Lots of things going on&not sure if it's normal or just me.

[babayjane67]

Hi
Been with my partner for 13 yrs,known him for 15.
We have an 11 yr old dd together &I have 2 adult DDS from my marriage,plus 2 grandchildren.
Lots of things going on over the years but not sure if it's just me or not.might be just petty stuff.
He works full time,I work 2 part time jobs at DDS school.
Hes said back last yr about me doing more hours so that he can do less,when dd was at secondary,which she now is.which I'm not happy about as he does nothing to help with the housework.wont even wash up on a working day,only on a day off.if I ask him to,he gets quite funny with me&acts like I've asked him to cut off his right arm! On a Sunday,we haven't had a roast lunch for few months now as he never wants one when I say about it.the only reason is because he's gotta wash it up! We've always done it that way on a Sun&my elder kids used to do it when they lived at home.i cook it&he/they washed&wiped it up.now though it's always no I don't fancy a roast&he will pk something that's easy to wash up or that he can leave to me the next morning.so I know if I take on something with more hrs&he does less, housework will still be left to me.
Things only get done if it's something HE wants to do,house/garden wise&I'm expected to help with doing it but if it's something I say wants/needs doing it doesn't get done or I've gotta go on about it for weeks before he does do it.
He never really discusses anything with me,he just decides that's what's gonna be done&tells me rather than asks me about it.
Communication is awful between us,always has been.ive tried to talk to him about it numerous times but nothing changes.he either says hes too tired to talk or he goes straight on the defensive &turns it straight back on me! We end up arguing&nothing gets resolved.ive suggested counselling but he said no!
Things hes told me about in the past,when the subjects come up again&I mention what he said,he denies he ever said it&gets quite nasty about it.
He puts things across in such a way when he's talking alot of the time that it sounds like he's having a go or being sarcastic etc.im constantly saying to him it's not what u say but how u say it!
He's never grateful for anything.hardly ever says please or thankyou for anything.its got a bit better but not much.my 2 adult daughter's gave up buying him Christmas or birthday presents because he was always so bloody ungrateful& oh thankyou sooo much in a sarcastic stupid way.
He can bring the atmosphere down when he comes in.more so in the past than now.used to be terrible!
We never have a date night or anything like that.he never wants to spend any time with me,just me unless it's shopping but never wants to go out anywhere just with me.even on my 50th birthday,we both had the day off as I had a hosp app,I don't drive so he took me in&I said we could go for a nice pub meal somewhere after.he said don't u think DD would like to come with us??!! So we ended up just coming home&doing nothing til she came home from school.he hardly spoke to me,just sat on the laptop playing poker.
When we first got together he told me he liked a certain comedy show that was on at the time,same as me,I loved it! Then he admitted couple of yrs ago when I brought it up how great it was etc trying to make conversation,that he hated it really!
Also we went to the theater at the beginning with 2 of my friends,a couple,&I thought great he loves the theatre as much as me&could see us going to more shows.wrong again! He only went because he liked that show.was never interested in seeing any others I asked about going to see.
I don't know I'm probably rambling on now sorry.i can probably think of more but this has ended up being a long post.
Is it just me?is it just petty stuff?

I live very near to where I work anyway just a 15 min walk away&DDS secondary is a 3 min walk.
At the moment I earn under £500 a month so wouldn't be able to pay all the bills&pay off what's left of our debts.
DD is attached to him though.
I don't know if I will be happier or not to be honest.

Better to be on your own than to be badly accompanied.

Staying in a poor relationship for the sake of the child is never a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. The way things are going she will end up choosing a man just like her dad here. Is this really what you want her to learn about relationships?. It’s no legacy to leave her.

She’s not as attached to him as you think she is. Her elder sisters cannot stand this man and for good reason. She wont be devastated if you leave him and why use that word too?. You still cannot use her as a reason to stay with him and she won’t say thanks mum to you either.

Some people too use the children as a reason to stay in poor relationships because they are too afraid to move on with their own lives. Does that apply to you?

You’d be more like to travel to this arboretum for a start!

Also she may not necessarily leave home when she is 17: she may choose to study locally or go to college or work.

She will be very upset I know she will.we lost my mum in Feb&it hit her very hard.shes had OCD since&is being treated with a therapist weekly to help her.
Breaking up with her dad may make her alot worse.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

She’s not as attached to him as you think she is. Her elder sisters cannot stand this man and for good reason. She wont be devastated if you leave him and why use that word too?. You still cannot use her as a reason to stay with him and she won’t say thanks mum to you either.

Some people too use the children as a reason to stay in poor relationships because they are too afraid to move on with their own lives. Does that apply to you?

This. I was the child watching a relationship like this. They stayed together "for me". Told me that when he finally left when I was 18 just before I went off to uni.

A series of fucked up relationships for me followed as I had no healthy relationship modelling. Including abusive relationships.

You're not doing her as much of a favour as you think you are by staying with him. Not long term, I promise you that.

If she was 18 and moving out, would you leave him?

If the answer is yes then I believe you should still do so now.

Living in this environment is unhealthy for a child. You'll say she doesn't realise but she isn't seeing a healthy happy relationship.

She will think this is a bar for a relationship - tension, lack of healthy affection and emotional distance. Walking on eggshells. Conceding to someone. The man being able to dictate family time. She is more likely to replicate the relationship the longer you stay and the next year or so is the most shaping time for her future relationships IMO, going into her teens.

I had OCD as a teen too op and for me it came from not a loss of control exactly...but from a toxic environment (though, mostly this was the highschool for me). I think we often say it was loss of control and stress that brought about OCD but actually, thinking on it, it was oppression. Suffering it and seeing others suffer it. Inability to escape it.

I suspect her ocd may indeed get worse for a time what with the stress of leaving...but ultimately, being away from an environment where her mother is miserable (and where, her dad may also be using her as a tool to further her mums feelings of alienation) will ultimately be better for her.

OCD makes you hyper sensitive to your environment and its stressors. If you create an environment where you are happy and calm, things may improve for her too.

Of course, they may not. The thing is that with ocd, if it is not one thing, it is another. But there will be plenty of those throughout life, you cannot let her OCD control not only her but you also.

My siblings and I went through quite a tumultuous time before I was twelve (I’m the eldest of three). Our parents separated, then dad does not long after. My mum’s boyfriend moved in, with his son, then they nearly broke up. He cheated on her a few years later and she threw him out.

Through ALL of it I only ever wanted what would make mum and dad happy. They were quite open and honest about the state of their relationship and then when they had new partners. I understood that they were people in their own right and had their own feelings and needs.

My point is, your daughter may not be as devastated as you think, and she’s old enough to know that you are a person in your own right who deserves happiness too.

*dad died that should have said. Autocunt.

Newname I really don't know.
As I said it does worry me about what it's gonna be like when she leaves home or even just spends more time with her mates etc.
The OCD only started after mum died.dr thinks it's definitely linked to my mums death.

@babayjane67

She will be very upset I know she will.we lost my mum in Feb&it hit her very hard.shes had OCD since&is being treated with a therapist weekly to help her. Breaking up with her dad may make her alot worse.

Luckily you already have her in therapy. Talk to her therapist and tell him/her about the impending separation. the therapist can be a big help getting her through the changes. However, I suspect that she may not be as upset as you think. Don't use her as an excuse not to make changes. Right now she thinks that being miserable in a relationship is normal because her mom is miserable. Do you really want her to be in the kind of relationship you are in?

Could you not sit down and have a talk with your daughter OP? Ask her directly how she feels about it. She might see this as her chance to get stuff off her chest and she might be happy that you are going to call it a day?

Separating doesn't have to be traumatic. It can be managed to a degree surely? It's not like she won't have him in her life.

Georgia yes talking to her therapist about it sounds a good idea.ahpuld it be in front of DD though? I sit in with her on each session so far as she wants me to.she finds it hard to talk to anyone about anything in-depth so always looks toe to answer for her/help her with the answer or what to say.i encourage to say what she wants/how she feels rather than me saying it for her as that's what it's all about.shes still quite a young coming up 12 yr old.still loves playing with her dolls,playing games in her tablet,Lol dolls etc.shes not yet into clothes,make up etc so not very worldly wise yet or very good at expressing her opinions or how she feels.so I'm not sure asking her about her opinion on her dad&I breaking up will be a good idea to be honest.