Lost and scared

[How321]

Hello, I’m at a complete loss at what to do, I was a stay at home parent for 6 years my partner is director of two large companies and I was also in a financially controlled relationship, constantly being accused of wasting her money and not getting house work done to her standards, I once tried to do some ironing in the Evening and she started shouting at me she could be doing that as she love ironing and I’m stopping her doing, it that was over two years ago and she’s not pick up iron once, I now have a part time job that my partner got me with school hours (so I can still look after the kids as she struggle with them) in her office where she belittles me she’s telling me I’m the worse person she’s every trained (whilst the manager is saying I’m one of the best and they don’t want to lose me) and over the weekend she decided to have a go, screaming at me and for the first time I stood up for myself tried to get our daughter away from her and she punched me in the face in front of both our children (they’re 5 and 6) I shout at her that’s she’s nothing more than an abuser and say I’m worried if she’ll hit me them the children could be next we need to leave the who time I’m trying to get my daughter away from her and she’s pulling at her lots of crying going on from kids, then we both take a moment to settle kids, now she’s made me leave the house which she owns and I’ve had to leave the kids there which doesn’t sit right with me there’s hardly been a day since they’ve been born where I haven’t read them a story and full bedtime routine whilst she’s downstairs on her phone, even though I have a job now I still do nearly all the looking after the kids, all the cleanly, cooking and laundry, I just want to know where I stand as it doesn’t sit right that I should leave I should surely be one to stay and look after the kids as normal, last time I let her put kids to bed she didn’t even brush there teeth from a legal standpoint can I take the kids with me so I know they’re looked after property as my main job and focus for last 7 years has been to raise my kids,

Please help

Don't know if you are male or female OP. If you're female contact your local DV organisation for help and support. If you're male contact the men's helpline: 0808 8010327

I would dial 101 and speak to them about the assault.

She sounds like a controlling bully. You would be better without her, maybe not financially, but you'll get by somehow. Try to start making plans to get out with the children, and away from her asap. As the pp has said, dial 101 so you start a record of the abuse.

I'd call the police if someone punched me in the face. Make a report of the domestic violence.
Then I'd file for divorce, asap. So that it is obvious this was the last straw. And site her physical attack as the cause of the divorce.

But...ok it might be because she is controlling but why did she need to find you a job? Couldn't you find one yourself? As for the housework...do you actually do some? It's just I'd be interested to hear her perspective. Because I'm curious if she would say you were a lazy, useless shiftless bastard and she was at the end of her tether with your attitude.

Not that that would excuse physical violence of course.

Either way, you clearly arent compatable. Divorce.
And dude, in future...theres this thing called punctuation xD

I would be calling the police, starting the separation process and applying for residence of the children.

She’s a nasty bully.

It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. She’s abusing you and you need to get yourself and the children away from her.

Your first point of call would be the police so the incident is logged and she can be dealt with!

I went to police and had to wait a week for an interview, then they wrote it all down said I’m out of the danger now so they’re satisfied I’m safe, so the rest like child custody is up to courts to decide, We’re not married, she refused to marry me cause she didn’t want to be like her mum who’s been married 5 times and she’s already been married once, I found a job working part time at a chip shop but she struggled looking after the kids and they’d still be up when I got home late on their iPads, so next thing I know she’s telling me she had a better job for me with better hours, I did all housework, washing, Cooking, even after I started working, I built a new kitchen cause she didn’t want to pay someone to do it (never done it before) and all she did was complain about how long it was talking cause the kids were doing her head in, she’s never once even got herself a drink just makes a sly comment about how parched she is, known for a long time relationship was toxic but what I feared would happen has happened I’m losing my kids,..,,!!!..,,.??!’ :p

Already spoke to solicitor they said they won’t want to move children from family home so she will get residency, dropped kids off and there was estate agent in there, she previously threatened to take mortgage penalties and move to where where parents live even though we moved away from there cause she’s said it was a terrible place to raise children.

Really? You went to the police because you were punched in the face and they told you you were now safe and that's the end of it?

Well you at least have evidence of the incident.

Next stop is to phone a Domestic Abuse organisation who can advise on where to go from here.

Download the Brightsky app and start keeping evidence of the abuse. Log everything, go back as far as you can, include witnesses and emails or texts. Tell your GP if you can. If you want to go for legal aid as it's abuse, then you'll need evidence.

Eee... mother being married 5 times...probably an indicator of borderline pd or similar running in her family.

I meant paragraphs btw. It's hard to read when it's all one big blob.

You obviously won't 'lose' the kids. If you do most of the work for them, chances are she won't want that to change. How ever else would she continue with her oh so important buisness woman role, if she has kids to watch? xD

I'd just get started on divorcing.
Whars the house situation? Joint owned? Would be great if you could get her to move out. Or sell up asap and move to a place if your own with space for the kids.

When did this happen OP? Where are you staying now? Have you made contact to discuss the children's childcare?

Just had to repair my jacket cos it split

One of her biggest fears is turning out like her mum multiple partners who she had to call dad.
Her actual dad was 15 and her mum was about 26 when she got pregnant with her, her mum also recently decided to get into a fist fight with her daughter in law.

I have spoken to her mum about the things my partner has said to me and all she says is she’s just like me the jealous type.

Unfortunately I don’t own the house all savings are in her name even both the cars we have are in her name (as she paid go them).

Good point about the paragraphs when I get on a typing toll what I leant in school goes out the window, trouble is she’s very spiteful (Even police officer I spoke to said she sounds very jealous) so is doing what ever she can to limit my time with them, we “discussed” What was gonna happen with kids it’s been decided that I’d pick them up from family home in morning before she goes to work drop them at school then when I finish pick them up keep them at my parents till she gets home from work then I have to drop them back,

She said I can have them overnight on occasion but not every week as my parents house is not their home.

What annoys me more is I know she’s not doing the normal things that need to be done with kids they tell me she’s not reading to them at bed time they get their iPads in bed, she made our daughter jam sandwiches and put an apple in her lunch, she’s doesn’t like those things so didn’t eat all day.

I agree with you that it would be amazing if I could just take them away and I know life would be awesome, I could look after them without all the pressure of Walking on eggshells, but life very rarely works out that well,

I’m at such a loss I’ve gone from being constantly being busy with kids to nothing but missing them,
she’s let me come round to collect my stuff and it’s only the things I moved in with 7 years ago as she feels she paid for everything in the house so none of it’s mine.

Maybe I am looking at this in the wrong way at least I’m out now and I can show my kids that it’s not acceptable to stay in a relationship like that, kids will always copy their parents and if they see me crying on a weekly basis whilst allowing someone to constantly talk to me like shit that to them will be normal and I don’t what too of normalise that shit they should know it’s wrong.

Minds all over the place,

Currently living at parents round the corner, they move here to help out with things, ie spoken to Edan lincs (End domestic violence now) and they’ve assigned me a case worker which has taken nearly 3 weeks and waiting in them to get back to me, don’t actually know what they’re going to do in limbo with everything,

Ok but tbf, your kid could have ate the jam sandwiches. Having to eat something you don't like is not a big deal. Nor is the tablets instead of bedtime stories. She is there mum and can do things differently with regards to raising them if she likes. Just because it's different to how you do things, doesn't mean it is wrong.

I think all you can do is speak to someone about getting a plan for who has the kids when in place. And as others have said, keep a note of any abuse or manipulations going forwards.

Make sure you are getting any benefits you are entitled to as well.

*their mum

I guess your right about her way of doing things, and I suppose in a way by me doing everything she’s now almost leaning to do things for the first time, will look into seeing what benefits I can get to help out.

I’ve started leaving my phone on record when I go to drop kids off now, just to be on safe side, only thing I’ve got her saying is that I can only have kids overnight occasionally and if she remembers she’ll get kids to ring me before bed, she did not remember and they’ve not rang me to say goodnight in two weeks no matter have many times I ask.

They stayed over for first time last night got about 4 messages saying make sure they ring me before bed.

You can check money and benefits at the Money Advice Service or Gingerbread who can not only help you work out money but give you more details about child contact and residency. They can't give legal advice but can direct you towards legal services.

However, you really need to contact a Domestic Abuse service for safety reasons. They'll do a risk assessment and help you work out a way of exiting the relationship. If she hits you again, immediately dial 999. Also look up the various injunctions which you can find here.

The Brightsky app can record both audio and video.

Yes speak to domestic abuse and see if they can help with a solicitor - or could your parents help out financially to get one.

The fact you are at your parents isn't a reason to not have the children with you or stay with you provided there is reasonable space.

She doesn't get to call all the shots here , take advice and support where you can.

@Bunnymumy

I'd call the police if someone punched me in the face. Make a report of the domestic violence. Then I'd file for divorce, asap. So that it is obvious this was the last straw. And site her physical attack as the cause of the divorce.

But...ok it might be because she is controlling but why did she need to find you a job? Couldn't you find one yourself? As for the housework...do you actually do some? It's just I'd be interested to hear her perspective. Because I'm curious if she would say you were a lazy, useless shiftless bastard and she was at the end of her tether with your attitude.

Not that that would excuse physical violence of course.

Either way, you clearly arent compatable. Divorce.
And dude, in future...theres this thing called punctuation xD

what an absolutely revolting post. How fucking dare you talk to someone who's just been assaulted by their partner like this? Implying that the partner might be in their rights to abuse the op????? What is wrong with you? Read your post back to yourself. Jesus fucking christ.

There was nothing wrong with her post

There is literally a sentence saying 'not that that would in anyway excuse physical violence of course'. Cool your jets and stop being a drama lama.

@How321

I guess your right about her way of doing things, and I suppose in a way by me doing everything she’s now almost leaning to do things for the first time, will look into seeing what benefits I can get to help out.

I’ve started leaving my phone on record when I go to drop kids off now, just to be on safe side, only thing I’ve got her saying is that I can only have kids overnight occasionally and if she remembers she’ll get kids to ring me before bed, she did not remember and they’ve not rang me to say goodnight in two weeks no matter have many times I ask.

They stayed over for first time last night got about 4 messages saying make sure they ring me before bed.

Op get legal advice, and not just from a solicitor who insists the kids will have to stay in the house that mum owns. Many women leave abusive men and retain primary caring responsibilities even if the man owns the home. You need to find a solicitor who isn't a sexist, basically.

You didn't deserve to be assaulted. You do need to start fighting for your children. Call in every resource you can think of, you can do this. I second preceding posters who advise you to contact domestic violence charities. All the best to you.

Just because it's different to how you do things, doesn't mean it is wrong.

It does actually. As OP explained she was physically abusive in front of the children and possibly grabbed one of the children too in the process.

This woman is a safeguarding risk to her children and OP needs to deal with that seriously. Men who do the same to women can end up with supervised contact only, so why shouldn't she?

You sound rather sexist and a tad bullish @Bunnymumy

Why are you taking my words out of context pp?
I said having a different lunchtime routine and bedtime routine to your partner isn't wrong. Not really sure wtf about that makes me sexist.

Of course smacking someone infront of your bloody child is wrong.