Ever ok to dump and ghost?

[GeekyGirl42]

I'm struggling to walk away from a 9 week relationship that has hit several red flags already. Last week I had to explain why I smiled at somone when we were out and about.

I'm under a lot of stress - my Mum, who abused me as a child, is behaving as though she has memory loss (but changes it all up when she sees a Dr or a social worker), and is abusing my step dad. We are waiting for the outcome of a CT scan for her. Have so many mixed feelings about all of that.

I've tried ending it twice, and twice I've been persuaded by him to give it another try. Spoke to him last night and he said he "expects credit" for accepting some of my boundaries for 4 days.

I'm wondering whether under these circumstances it would be dreadful to send a simple text along the lines of "Thanks for the fun times, but we clearly aren't compatible so I am ending this."

And then block. Everywhere.

You've given him a reason! It wasn't right for you. Stay strong.

@category12 that shark cage analogy is amazing!! Thank you so much for sharing it. I'be bookmarked it on my phone, gonna keep reading it and will send to my therapist.

As pp said 'because I dont want to' is reason enough to give for ending things. You don't owe any explanations. Especially for just a 2 month thing.

@WiserOlder "what the wound from my childhood actually was (abandonment caused by scapegoating, stonewalling and emotional neglect)"

Very similar here. I'm learning about my step dad from his children. He and I have so much in common and is actually quite good for me to see that - he is a great guy and I'm sure lots of women would find him a catch. If I can see what he's doing with Mum and think "he needs to value himself more", it helps me to spot that in myself.

Yeh, my own dad is bit weak, a total enabler. I can see he wasn't a brave character on his own, so he values the strength that he and my mum have as a unit more highly than most men. Even though my mum is NEVER WRONG.

Because most men, most people are braver than he is. because of sexism in society, in terms of perceived strength of a couple, women get more perceived strength from being one half of a couple. A man in their corner etc.... But in my Dad's case he is taking his strength from being one half of a couple. And my mother does not back down. EVER. She is never wrong. Her road or no road.

But my Dad came over to my house to give out to me for ''hurting mum'' after she had blithely glossed over decades of calling me paranoid. When I said ''stop. this stops now. I am not paranoid or emotional and this narrative stops now'' she got up on the cross, hurt and angry :-/ and has not spoken to me for 5 months! Her choice to not talk to me but I'm held responsible for the rift.

I'm up to my eyes in family dynamics atm. It's interesting. It's draining. I wish I'd figured all of this out before I went out with the first arsehole, and the second, and the third you gorra larf as cilla would say

Oh gosh, the number of times my step dad had a go at me for hurting mum. He sings a different tune now this has escalated. Currently Mum isn't speaking to me because I'm "difficult" but he is speaking to me, which annoys her.

Can't imagine ever being annoyed at a partner for supporting my daughter the way he does me 🤷‍♀️

Wow, that's brave of him to not do what she says and speak to you.
My Dad is not allowed to forgive me.

I know, it's hard to imagine, if my daughter told me I"d hurt her, I'd think, oh! that wasn't my intention! can we fix this.

I wouldn't THROW myself right up on to the cross and seize the role of the wounded one!

Absolutely!!

Frankly I think step dad only taking the risk because he needs the two way support we share.

My therapist often describes my Mum's behaviour as "bizzare"

she got up on the cross
what a great way of putting it ....I can just picture her 'look at me everyone I'm being crucified aren't I'
😁🤭

Wow, stay strong. I'm in therapy too right now. 60 per fortnight. I can't really afford it but at the same time, I'll cut back on haircuts and clothes I think.

I'm finding Jerry Wise videos on youtube very useful atm. Jerry Wise, how to resist the role of scapegoat. Wow. Watched it 3 times.
Also 'Calmness is everything'.

He has loads of good ones.

Weird thing is, my Dad used to tell me that his Dad blamed him for everything even after he left home. Like, he was 17 and at boarding school and apparently if his Dad couldn't find the scissors, he'd blame my Dad. My Dad used to half laugh at that. But he stood by and let me branded paranoid and many other labels. Difficult. ''silly'' which is my mum's middle class faux reasonable and faux calm way of implying i'm unhinged and she's stoically enduring it!

@Heffalooomia

she got up on the cross what a great way of putting it ....I can just picture her 'look at me everyone I'm being crucified aren't I' 😁🤭

I'm turning every thread in to a discussion about family dynamics! I need to log off and go out for a walk don't I !?!

Family dynamics can be very relevant to dynamics in other relationships!

@JudyGemstone having to explain herself for looking at someone and also not taking no for an answer when she tried to end things is abuse and not a good sign so early on.

9 weeks is barely a relationship

Just get it over and done with then do some counselling before dating again so you avoid all these horrible men.

He's just called from "No caller id" demanding I explain why and telling me he's not a bad person. Told him he can show me that by respecting my boundary and leaving me alone. Also said I would contact the police if he does this again.

@GeekyGirl42 good for you for recognising the red flags and acting on them. 💐

Funny how he felt the need to go 'I'm not a bad person' (like'oh shit, she has tweaked that I'm a bad person!' Lol). I think they have that moment of realisation about themselves, briefly, when we see it. Pity it doesn't last.

Good on ya for setting him straight. Hopefully he will stay away now. Don't be surprised if he doesnt though. Or starts a smear campaign.

Exactly what mine did.

If he Carries on you now need to call the police

I think it's going to be ok. My phone has been quiet all evening and I went to unfriend on Facebook (I blocked messenger) to find he'd already done it.