Ever ok to dump and ghost?

[GeekyGirl42]

I'm struggling to walk away from a 9 week relationship that has hit several red flags already. Last week I had to explain why I smiled at somone when we were out and about.

I'm under a lot of stress - my Mum, who abused me as a child, is behaving as though she has memory loss (but changes it all up when she sees a Dr or a social worker), and is abusing my step dad. We are waiting for the outcome of a CT scan for her. Have so many mixed feelings about all of that.

I've tried ending it twice, and twice I've been persuaded by him to give it another try. Spoke to him last night and he said he "expects credit" for accepting some of my boundaries for 4 days.

I'm wondering whether under these circumstances it would be dreadful to send a simple text along the lines of "Thanks for the fun times, but we clearly aren't compatible so I am ending this."

And then block. Everywhere.

It's best to tell the polite lie pp. These sorts become monsters to defend their ego so it's best to let them think either the issue is with you or that it is mutually beneficial for things to end.

@Marlena1

Absolutely 100% acceptable. If he's abusive you owe him nothing.

Where does it say he's abusive?

Yes of course it's acceptable. Maybe not for a marriage of 20 years but otherwise definitely.

Be prepared though. The one I dumped seemed to think he was owed something for being a 'nice' guy.

It really shook me up....be blunt and get it done asap.

Good luck.

I've done it. Didn't give a reason.

"I’ve thought about it some more and I am certain that I do not wish to continue in this relationship."

Is blocked everywhere. Blasted phone will let him leave voicemails. Already have one asking for a reason.

And now another one. 3 minutes apart. Only have space left for 1 more so I'll stick the phone on mute and let him fill my voicemail up.

Where does it say he's abusive?

I had to explain why I smiled at someone when we were out and about
he said he "expects credit" for accepting some of my boundaries

These are indicators that his behaviour will become more controlling over time.

You have been with this pathetic dickhead for five minutes and he is already treating you badly?

FFS, you owe him absolutely nothing. Dump and block. Today.

@JudyGemstone I don't think I should ever have to explain why I smiled at somone on a walk to the shops. Quite literally a normal smile. Lots of other things like that.

Oh wow, you had to justify why you SMILED at somebody.

That is absolutely intolerable and it would erode you to a husk.

How about ''we're not on the same page at all, it takes a while to figure that out. Good luck, geekygirl42

[quote GeekyGirl42]@JudyGemstone I don't think I should ever have to explain why I smiled at somone on a walk to the shops. Quite literally a normal smile. Lots of other things like that.[/quote]
He has given you the gift of a red flag that can ONLY be interpreted in one way.

Mine started ringing from withheld numbers too.

If it gets too much say you will go to the police.

Your message was fine. Well done

Could he turn up at your house?

Of course you shouldn't have you, not remotely suggesting he wasn't abusive, just that there was anything about abuse in your first post.

*have to

Well done!! 👏 👏

• wasn't anything

Fucks sake!

It absolutely terrified me. I shut down, froze. Have an ex who wouldn't let me leave the house in heels and questioned me about work colleagues (because in the end, work is the only place I could go).

All I could think was "Shit, I've done it again. How do I find people like that? Do I make people behave like that?"

@JudyGemstone

@GeekyGirl42 it can take a while to figure out how low somebody else's self-esteem is.

I was really drawn to somebody once, we'd both had similar childhoods (emotional neglect) and there was a real resonance when we met, we were really sparking off each other and it was amazing to begin with, the best rapport I've ever felt with a stranger. But within six weeks he was telling me what I thought. I would correct him and say 'no I do not think that' but he was taking it upon himself to give my words and my actions different interpretations than the ones I meant/felt/intended.

I ended it. He was devastated and lashed out BADly and told me he saw 'red flags' in me!

@WiserOlder projection is a wonderful thing

It’s not you OP but maybe you need to get some counselling or do the freedom programme to try and boost you and your self esteem so these men don’t target you.

Do you know about the shark cage analogy? www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Because of your abusive childhood and previous abusive relationship, you never got a decent shark cage. So you kinda have to rebuild it yourself, (with counselling maybe, the Freedom programme, etc).

Good news is, you've spotted this guy only 9 weeks in.

I did the freedom programme. It's muddy because I'm LGBT - normally I date women. This last one is trans (born female, identified as male). Abuse in LGBT relationships is thought be be more likely than in straight ones. There most definitely needs to be a freedom programme that is less gendered.

I see a therapist and it's definitely a work in progress. I get better and better.

Reaching out for help on here when gut doesn't feel right is new for me - before I would ignore how I feel and focus on the good bits of a relationship. Hoping to get to a place where I can just trust my gut feeling. This "relationship" should have been over weeks ago.

@GeekyGirl42

It absolutely terrified me. I shut down, froze. Have an ex who wouldn't let me leave the house in heels and questioned me about work colleagues (because in the end, work is the only place I could go).

All I could think was "Shit, I've done it again. How do I find people like that? Do I make people behave like that?"

I had an abusive relationship which I left about 14 years ago. I think that some of my wounds are similar to a narcissists wounds.

However, like many other women on mumsnet I have worked to understand narcissism and abuse and what abuse is, why I put up with it, how to spot it, what the wound from my childhood actually was (abandonment caused by scapegoating, stonewalling and emotional neglect). I've read books on those subjects. I've researched murray bowen family systems and I'm working (in an ongoing way) on enmeshed families, differentiation, being less reactionary etc ect

And the reason I mention this is because despite all of this there is still some sort of BAM I need to set this person straight visceral emotional reaction in me when I come across the same type of narcissist as my mother/x and they're throwing out drama baits to see who bites.

I am turned off by being treated badly now, so I am not even talking about narcs in one to one relationships, more just the narcs who are out there. They often seem to zone in on me and target me and scapegoat me (from the group). Because there is some sort of emotional recognition. On one level.