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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Problems with my brother

28 replies

fluffball888 · 19/09/2020 10:14

Hello everyone,
I do not understand my brother. We have not spoken for years . We fell out when our parents died and he was a very cruel uncaring person. The problem is every year without fail he sends me a birthday card. I am now extremely fed up with this, whenever I try to ring, email etc he does not respond yet continues to send a card with only his name at the bottom. I do not know if it is guilt of the way he broke my parents hearts or he is just doing it to annoy. What should I do? If I just put them in the bin it continues. Thank you so much for reading.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 19/09/2020 10:36

If he was bothered about you he would answer your emails or phone calls, so to me it looks like a lady bit of control

Just bin the cards without opening them

Sssloou · 19/09/2020 10:42

Its a cruel game of power and control from him. Don’t play it. He wants to provoke a reaction in you to make contact so that he can hurt you by ignoring - so don’t open the card, stop emailing, calling etc. Never respond.

Drop the rope.

He will probably then try another route - so suggest blocking and deleting his contact details. Never respond. Don’t look back.

Original poster
fluffball888 · 19/09/2020 11:30

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Also, thank you for the great advice. I think you are completely right in what you say. It is a cruel game of power. I had 8 miscarriages and ended up childless and desperately wanted to be an aunty to his four children but he never ever allowed me to see them yet continued to send this birthday card. I suppose deep down I wanted the chance to hold my nieces and nephews but now his card just cuts my soul and about a month or so before my birthday I start to feel so uncomfortable as I know what will be coming my way. Thank you, I am so grateful . I will never ever respond again . Drop the rope is a great expression. I will act on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffball888 · 19/09/2020 11:32

Thank you. I will do as you suggest. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 19/09/2020 11:55

Ahh you poor thing. He is cruel beyond cruel.

You have been his whipping boy for decades and he has likely taken pleasure in your tragedies.

Dedicate yourself to being compassionate to yourself and your losses and slowly and gently healing these deep wounds.

Is there someone who can intercept the card? Can you do a year of mindfulness and meditation so that your anxiety doesn’t rise in the month before your birthday?

Do you have emotionally nourishing, warm and radiant people in your life who show you kindness and respect - keep immersing yourself with them.

Appledaze · 19/09/2020 11:57

I had this exact thing happen with a member of family I had no contact with. It was clear that our relationship was over but every year, on my birthday, I received a hand delivered card. It spoiled my birthday, and it wasn't a act of love. For me, I felt it was because they could say " I sent a card to Apple for her birthday, but she still ignores me". I felt it was so they could control the narrative of our relationship to other people. Even though like you they made no effort at all with me, either before or after I went no contact. I eventually moved and maybe the new owners get it now. I'm just glad I don't.

Bin it without reading it. It's not for him to do this anymore. Xxx

Sssloou · 19/09/2020 12:14

Wow that’s v passive aggressive - they get to hurt you and still look innocent in plain sight.

A lesson I have learnt is that you can’t control or counteract their narrative to others - it’s an impossible double bind. You will go distracted trying to and look unhinged on a futile wild goose chase. Accept that and stand well back - anyone cares what they say doesn’t matter to you and anyone who matters to you won’t cant what they say about you. Drop that rope too.

LadyGAgain · 19/09/2020 12:22

Return to sender. Cross your address and write his.

Sssloou · 19/09/2020 12:32

@LadyGAgain - all of the online advice seems to say not to do this because it is still a reaction and they will love it.

Original poster
fluffball888 · 19/09/2020 12:56

Dear SSSloou
oh, you are so very kind. Thank you. Yes, I have been a whipping boy for years you are completely right. I am very fortunate , I have a lovely husband and I work with deaf children which I adore and have a close relationship with all my husbands family. Its just my only brother that is the problem. My husband will intercept the card-my birthday is next month so the dread is beginning to build. I saw someone who knows him and he told me he tells everyone what a good caring brother he is by always remembering my birthday!. I also agree not to send it back because you are right again , he will love it. I don't think he will ever stop sending this annual card so I will have to toughen up and face it. I cant thank you enough for your kind lovely words and such wonderful advice. Thank you, I am so gratefulx

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffball888 · 19/09/2020 12:59

Thank you Appledaze. I quite agree with your words. I never even thought of it as controlling the narrative but on refection that's exactly what it is. Lucky you moved to avoid it and I so glad it no longer upsets you. It was so kind of you to respond. Thank you and thank you for being so understanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffball888 · 19/09/2020 13:00

Thank you so much for writing , in fact I was going to return it, but maybe on refection regarding the other comments it is better to stay silent and then he doesn't know what I think. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/09/2020 13:03

Move house...... Wink
Just ignore it.

Appledaze · 19/09/2020 13:17

@fluffball888

My husband always said people would only listen to so many years of " why is she ignoring my birthday card?". Before they started to ask " why are you still sending them to her?". It has to end at some point.

In the meantime just don't react, it was so hard for me not to react because this person was well off and would put money in the card. I donated it to charity every year. Initially I tried to gain a receipt to prove I did it, it really became stressful for me.

Counselling helped, not just with the card, with the entire relationship breakdown. And like a PP said (which I also liked) just put down the rope. And maybe, I'm just thinking , I tried to just laugh when I got them, thinking "like clockwork, here you are!" For me, being hand delivered meant I didn't leave the house till after it came in case I saw them!

It's your birthday, it's nothing to do with him. Flowers

Sssloou · 19/09/2020 14:02

Wow that must feel like physically stalking in your own home.

Another important emotionally protective tactic is not to listen or engage with others about your DB - just instantly close them down - divert to another topic. You need to know NOTHING about his life. Don’t look at SM etc. Everything will hurt.

LadyGAgain · 19/09/2020 14:23

Ah fair point @Sssloou . I'd didn't know that.

AndNowItsHappeningInMine · 19/09/2020 14:40

He's reminding you that he exists.
He's poking you. Put it straight in the bi or return to sender.

Original poster
fluffball888 · 19/09/2020 15:43

Thank you all so much. How kind of you to write. I will take your wonderful advice and my husband will shred the next birthday card when it arrives and I will not respond by returning it. I will also stop peeking at his FB account to see my nephews and nieces, its so tempting to see how they are growing up and who they look like but now the account has been set at private so they must have known I was looking.I am glad really as it was very painful to look at them , you were so right again Ssloou it did hurt.
You have all been so kind and supportive. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

OP posts:
FunTimes2020 · 19/09/2020 16:31

What's a lovely woman you sound. You know you're going to receive this card you don't need to be filled with dread. Perhaps you could try and find a way to almost make a joke out of it between you and your lovely husband. But if that is too difficult then I suggest you have some counselling to help you put everything to do with him completely behind you. I feel so angry on your behalf that that horrible person is spoiling your birthday each year. Don't allow it! Flowers

Original poster
fluffball888 · 19/09/2020 17:51

Funtimes2020, oh thank you for your kind sweet words. I will really try this year to not dwell on the card and put it behind me. My husband is going to vet the mail and remove and shred it before I see it . To be honest I never even thought of counselling , but I think would like to try something like that. This has all been so painful for me. Thank you for your support and kindness. You are a lovely person x

OP posts:
FunTimes2020 · 19/09/2020 23:00

Ah OP Smile Please report back after your birthday and let's hope it's a happy one for you x

Shizzlestix · 19/09/2020 23:24

Id send him a note telling him to stop,, personally. He’s taking the piss.

ilikemethewayiam · 19/09/2020 23:44

I would definitely return to sender unopened so he knows you don’t want it.

Original poster
fluffball888 · 20/09/2020 07:35

Oh, thank you all so mmuch for your thoughts. I am so torn, I dearly want to write and ask him to stop but I do understand from other comments here that it is better to just bin it and not show show any reaction . Also he will probably show his children and say that I returned his kind gesture and I would look like an evil horrid person . Its really difficult . I think I will decide when I see it on the mat. I cannot thank you all enough for being so kind and helpful. To reach out to a total stranger and be so kind has really touched my heart. Thank you so very much x

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 20/09/2020 08:11

i had this exact thing happen with a member of family I had no contact with. It was clear that our relationship was over but every year, on my birthday, I received a hand delivered card. It spoiled my birthday, and it wasn't a act of love. For me, I felt it was because they could say " I sent a card to Apple for her birthday, but she still ignores me". I felt it was so they could control the narrative of our relationship to other people. Even though like you they made no effort at all with me, either before or after I went no contact.

I’ve had very similar happen, just that it’s posted, not hand-delivered, and you’re spot on, it’s to control the narrative. “I even sent her a birthday card every single year”. All that was ever written on mine was their name. It was entirely an act to control and upset. The way I dealt with it was to just bin the card, I said to myself that it wasn’t sent with genuine good wishes so I was not displaying it with those cards which were sent with good wishes. Funny thing was, when I had a significant birthday the sibling didn’t send a card at all, but the following year sent one again. Presumably the omission on my big birthday was designed to hurt further, but I actually only realised because another sibling asked if I’d received the usual one word card.

I would absolutely not return to sender or contact asking him to stop/ that’s playing right into his hands and he knows you’ve spent time thinking/been upset. That’s the reaction he wants. Treat the card with the disdain it deserves and bin it straightaway.