So ashamed of myself for these thoughts.

[Heytheredelilax]

I'm not happy in my relationship anymore. Is to possible to love someone and think they are the kindest, sweetest person but just not feel in love anymore. I think my partner is the kindest soul. He's a wonderful dad. But he can be so dull. I feel like he's trapped in a paranoid world. He is so obsessed with conspiracies and I can't say anything about schools closing, or coronavirus without him saying it's because they want us to beg for a vaccine. He seems to talk about two topics. Work or this. We haven't had sex for over a year. In the last few months he's started walking past me and requesting a kiss. But I find it really irritating as the kids are around and I don't feel like that about him after a year of him choosing the sofa or the spare bed over our bed. We've honestly started living seperate Lives. It's rare for us to spend an evening together. It's sad really. I do think we lost our way abit after our second child was born. Two things are so important to me and they are laughter/fun and interesting conversation. These are the things I am really missing. I don't feel alive anymore.

I have done absolutely nothing wrong. But my friend has told me this week someone has been paying me compliments to her. I have had vibes from him. If he sees me he will go out of his way to talk to me. He will find something to call across to me. Then he smiles. Holds my gaze. If he's on the phone he will still put his hand up and give me a big smile. But we only know eachother from passing in the street and him knowing my friend. He does seem to be letting me know he finds me attractive. It makes me feel good and it's so lovely to hear a compliment. I have never had a man talk to another women about me like that. I'm usually the women being told these things about other women.

This last couple of weeks I've been thinking about this guy. I've thought about what if he makes more of a move. What if he gives me his number one day. What will I do? I've been really dreamy about him, but what scares me the most is I've never cheated and I fear not being able to resist anything he offers me. I don't mean sex! If he gives me his number I feel like id want to contact him. Which is awful awful awful.

My mind is literally in a mess. I still can't believe he's been telling another women about me. I've seen his friends stare at me too.

Reasons I never see myself with anyone else

My beautiful children. I'd never want to ruin their lives.
I have no freedom as a full time mum anyway.
This is going to sound ridiculous but my hormones/ periods make me so up and down. There are parts of the month I am just not who I was in my twenties. I have mild anxiety now. I just don't see how I could ever feel safe with anyone else.

I would really really upset my family. My partner's family. I would loose absolutely everyone around me if I ended my current relationship. They would be disgusted with me.

I don't work as my choice was to stay home until youngest is 4. Childcare would have stung us. So I can't be independent and just leave a realtionship.

Last night I woke up feeling like my conscience had shouted at me in my sleep. I suddenly sat up and all the thoughts were at the front of my head. You are a horrible person. You should t even consider what it would be like to be with someone else. Your poor kids. How could you put yourself before them. I struggled to sleep afterwards.

What is actually going on with me. Ive never felt this way in my life and I think cheating is disgusting. I can't just get to know another man.

Please don't call me horrible. I don't want these feelings. But I would appreciate any experiences and how I should deal with this. Thanks. X

These really are three separate issues - your relationship with your partner; the attention from a man who is, let'sface it, a complete stranger to you and could be anyone or anything; and your fear about what other people will think..

Your relationship with your partner sounds like it is either over or in serious need of attention. Is the current situation something you feel could be overcome? Or is it beyond that? Does it need to end.

This man, all that he has really done so far (if you really dont know each other) has assessed you in the "would i/wouldn't I fuck her?" sense and decided that he would. Which is fine - that's how many people get together if they havent known each other as friends for a while beforehand! But he really needs to be parked for a while. However, your interest in him does somewhat force you to address the situation with your partner.

And finally, don't worry about what your friends and families think. This is your life and not theirs. You shouldn't stay in your current relationship because it would inconvenience or upset others.

Put your fears of what other people will think aside - everyone worries about the extended relationships and it usually isn't as bad as you fear! And decide what you actually want from your current relationship and act on that. That way, if this other man does ever give you his number etc then you will be free (or not) to respond appropriately.

FWIW, I would have nothing to do with a man who made a move on me while I was already in a relationship regardless of how I felt about that relationship. Esp if he had no idea.

@Heytheredelilax - no one is punished for their thoughts. If that were the case we would all be in court!! We can only be judged on what we DO.
I think you’ve shown tremendous honesty and self awareness in seeking to explore this now rather than after you’ve already crossed a line.
So - the issue is not that you are bad but that you are bored, struggling to feel passion and joy and feel desired and inspired in your relationship. You can try to fix this. Why not start by talking things through with DH - the things you need - and most of all - to feel connected. And just put his conspiracy theories off limits. They don’t come from any reputable source and he can share them when they do!

Please don't be ashamed of your thoughts. Your thoughts are you , and they are trying to help you come to a stage where you are happier and more settled. I think as a PP has said, your marriage is in a lot of difficulty. You said he chose the spare bed and the sofa over your bed? How did this come to be? You haven't had sex in over a year and you don't like kissing him?

You’re not horrible. How you feel is how you feel, what you’re doing now is the right thing - questioning why these feelings are coming up. Lots of people don’t bother to do that and just run with the new thing! Which you obviously know would be a big mistake.

It’s worrying how many people have been getting into conspiracies especially since Covid. It’s hard to explain how wearying it is to have someone going on about them all the time unless you’ve experienced it. I’m not surprised it’s boring you and I imagine frustrating you too.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to connect intellectually at all. And if you have been moving separate lives as well it’s no wonder you feel distant from your partner. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Not necessarily that you’ve been having thoughts about this other guy, but the lack of connection?

How old is your youngest now?

Thanks everyone. I have talked to him and he agreed he needs to be less boring and stop fixating on them. He said people telling him to stop watching them pushes him further.

I think he became friends with the sofa when the kids were younger. He falls asleep watching Tele/conspiracies on his phone. Kids mainly sleep in their own beds now.

The thing is because we've not been passionate for so long I just don't see him sexually anymore. It's like I feel nothing. I have no desire to kiss him because he's so dull now and the laughter etc is gone. It's all about kids, housework, work for him, aches and pains, conspiracies. Also he never gets up and gets on. He works in the week but never wants to be productive away from work. He does abit of stuff around the house but usually he's just watching old episodes of crappy programs all weekend. I've tried encouraging him to go out more and stuff but he isn't bothered about it.

New guy is a stranger. Absolutely no doubt about it. But one that's noticed me and it's just absolutely lovely that the little conversations we have had have come across to him so well. I don't think guys usually show feelings like this. I mean I know he could have told his mates he would give me one. Maybe his comments are not very respectful behind my back. But my friend said he was saying I was really nice and really lovely. It was definitely nice to hear. Especially as he goes out of his way to speak to me and he does seem to lock onto me.

I think I worry what family will think as they will think my partner's perfect. Which is true until it comes to the relationship stuff. I can't exactly tell my parents he hasn't shagged me for over a year and i have no desire to snog him anymore. I can't really explain to them he doesn't make me feel alive anymore and bores me to death. Because it does make me sound a bitch. But it's true.

I am trying to switch off to everything because there's no evidence this new man could be good for me and the only way to find out would be more conversations etc. Which is wrong and cruel to the man I live with. It would absolutely have to be him that approaches me further and I don't think he will deep down. Life isn't a fairytale after all.

I am worried I'm convincing myself he could be my soulmate or someone who will think I'm perfect as I am. But I know that's all in my head.

What a mess. Not felt this way for many years.

My little boy will be three in December. My daughter is 6 in January x

As others have said, you have some quite serious problems in your relationship but they have perhaps not yet got to the stage of being completely insoluble.

Does your DH know how you feel about his dullness and lack of intimacy?

You need to sit him down and have a serious talk. Maybe you could suggest spending at least one evening a week together doing something that you can do together, even if it's only having dinner at home after the kids have gone to bed?

And I think both if you should make an effort to revive the intimate side of your relationship, lack of sex is corrosive in an LTR, it tends to magnify other problems. Maybe his crude attempts to kiss you are an indication that he feels the lack of intimacy as well? It is very unusual for a guy of his age not to want sex, men generally have a physical need for release.

Having young DC is a difficult time in any LTR, hope you can work things out!

I can't exactly tell my parents he hasn't shagged me for over a year and i have no desire to snog him anymore. I can't really explain to them he doesn't make me feel alive anymore and bores me to death.

Tbh, I think if they start sticking their noses in and offering opinions where they are not required, then this is exactly what you should do.

If they don't want to hear it, they can keep their thoughts to themselves too!

Most people re sensible enough to know that they dont know the ins and outs of someone else's relationship.

And if any of their options come from them wanting to save face, then they are no concern of yours either.

You are not a bad person. You are bored in your marriage because your husband has stopped trying and become a 90 year old man. It’s only natural you would be excited by the thought of a new man you are a human being this is how affairs start I think. You need to address the problems in your marriage first. If he won’t change then can you see yourself settling for this life until your kids are 18 ? It’s a long time to be unhappy and life is short. Think long and hard about what you want in life and don’t worry about what others think. It’s your life your decision. Good luck x

Oh have an affair with the other guy! Might just give you the jolt you need. H won’t know

Maybe you are fixating on this other guy as a concept more than a person. Like you’re seeing him as an escape from the marriage because you aren’t happy anymore.

Why do you think your family would be ‘disgusted’ if you ended the marriage? Many people leave unhappy relationships, and it is preferable to staying in a relationship with someone you find boring and who doesn’t fulfill you.

OP. I think you are fixating on someone else because you are unhappy generally, it’s a distraction thing. I know because many many years ago in a marriage that sounds similar to yours, I did the same thing. It didn’t end well OP, I indulged myself then pulled back, other man didn’t like it and made sure my ExH knew and 2 years later although we didn’t split i left and had a divorce on my hands as I couldn’t cope with how nasty my exH became towards me (don’t blame him) . If you genuinely want to stay in the marriage then start working on it and ignore the other bloke, if you don’t feel the same and don’t think you ever will, then it’s best to be honest and get out— the longer you drag it on the harder it gets.

Do you think you might be bored of your partner, because you're bored of your life generally? If you're expecting scintillating conversation, what are you bringing to the table?

Being a SAHM isn't for everyone. Maybe you would benefit from going back to work earlier than planned. While childcare is expensive, it's short-term pain for long-term gain, and the mental health benefits of getting out of the house and feeling productive in a different way might well outweigh the financial impact. Even if you're working essentially to pay childcare now, in the long-term it's better for your career prospects and pension provision.

The other bloke is a red herring and a fantasy. He's a symptom.

It's worth trying relationship counselling, i would have thought, see if you can get back on track.

Thanks for the replies. Maybe he is a distraction. It's just he's in my head and I can't push him back out. I really do want to. I know I'm being too hopeful that life will become happier.

Good question what do I bring to the table. I try to talk about a variety of things. But oh will twist it onto a conspiracy, bill gates thing or data collection. If I am enjoying a film, he will be like oh Meryl streep is part of the problem. Tom hanks is a pedo. If I talk about the total family (rarely haha) it's oh the queen's a reptile. If I talk about the future he's like aghhhh 5g, control, cashless society. If I talk about vaccines he's like ahhhh they are going to plant microchips in us. If I watch Russell Howard, Gogglebox etc and someone says something light and he thinks it's not accurate to his conspiracies, he's like ugh she's stupid, she's dumb and I've gone of him.

I like to talk more about what's in our Box and our world. So I'm craving someone to tell me something new. To make me laugh. To share their stories with me. I'm so sick of this dull paranoid life he's leading.

He also never suggests anything. I always am the one who says the fences need painting. The kitchen needs painting. Let's go out. Let's buy this. The kids would like this for Christmas. Of it was down to him nothing would ever be done.

Its not really about working. I've got a busy year ahead in regards to getting my son potty trained.getting him a nursery place. Getting back to normal after this crazy year. I need to be around to get my kid to school and stuff Aswel so it's best I'm home now.

I think by trying to kiss me he is trying to acknowledge things. But who wants a passionate snog whilst your partner pops to the kitchen and your hoovering and the kids are on the floor playing. It should be about the moment. A film and a cuddle etc. I just feel after all these months it's just dwindled away. He never came to bed.

He's not a dirty smelly bloke but he is getting lazier with showers/getting changed as he's working here alot. Which also puts me off. Ive also told him he would feel much more energised if he scheduled a shower in at a set time each day. He's just so happy to slob about.

Maybe we can sort it and I've got fixated on someone who really isn't going to solve my problems. I just allowed myself to wonder whether I deserved an opportunity to feel those things again. What if he could be someone I have an amazing time with.

But then it will always come back to my children.

My parents would be disgusted at me for getting involved with another man because my partner in their eyes is perfect. Which is probably is to them. I don't think they'd accept the new guy if it somehow became something.

I agree I feel this is how affairs start. Only I have no real confirmation. So unless he approaches me nothing will be done. Even then I would always be honest with my partner first. I could not sneak about. I just want him to understand that I have needs and feelings. The future ahead looks boring at the moment. I'm trying to be positive but if I could leave I probably would which is awful.id be happy on my own at times.

If your marriage is going down the pan, it really is about working. You're going to need to support yourself.

You're passively contemplating an affair.

Your husband does sound obsessed and unpleasant to be around.

So yes, it's about getting yourself sorted out so you can be independent when the shit hits the fan.

He's not my husband by the way. Not married

Oh, then even more so about needing to be able to support yourself.

You can’t concern yourself over what your parents and others think of your partner. They don’t live with him and only see snippets of what he is like. He sounds like a total bore, has he always been like this with the conspiracies, etc or just during Covid?
I think as others have said you need to get some independence so work towards finding a job when your youngest is at nursery/school.
Talk to your partner about things needing to change and be honest about not wanting to kiss him when you are doing housework and the children are around.
Maybe you can get some spark back if you both put the effort in but it can’t be a one sided thing.
This other guy is probably just a pleasant distraction, but who is to say he isn’t a bore as well! Steer clear and concentrate on this relationship. If nothing changes after a year I think you need to separate.

Absolutely agree. This new guy likely won't even contact me. I just meant more if he did I'd be curious. I think id want to chat to him. Not have sex or anything. But get to know him on a conversation levels etc. But that isn't acceptable either.

I will be getting work as soon as the kids are settled and I can do something around them. But it's never going to be a miracle amount as I am going to be needing to pick them up and care for them around it.

He's always been mildly suspicious. He's your typical believer that the twin towers was a government thing. The planes were fake. The people were not on the planes etc. He has got alot worse in covid. But I think he's been getting obsessed for a couple of years now. His dad told him the other week to stop watching the shit. He said that made him watch them even more.

It's just difficult to want to sleep with someone or enjoy an evening with someone who can't get out of dull mode. He really needs to lighten up. I'm worried that I won't ever see him that way again though. It's been really unattractive seeing him like this.

He is an amazing dad though. I will give him that. I just feel torn between wasting my life and doing what's best for them. It would be so unsettling for them.

Where's your mum? You need to have a proper, long, wise conversation with someone who's completely on your side, preferably someone older who has been in a long relationship. You could do it through counseling, but I bet you would rather have a hug at the same time as working it all out. If your mum is around, would she fit the bill.

My mum's not affectionate in the slightest unfortunately. She would be useless at a heart to heart.

Living with someone you're not attracted to romantically is a recipe for disaster ime.

I tried to make it work on a "housemates", "co-parenting" basis, believing that was best for my son. It wasn't.

If your partner is to the point where he believes the lizard people thing, I would honestly say he needs help with his MH.

What are you going to do when he starts teaching your children that Covid doesn't exist and the world is run by the Illuminati?

If your mum won't support you getting out of an unhappy relationship, then - this sounds brutal, sorry - what use is she? What does she bring to your life, that would be outweighed by the happiness you'd feel in leaving your H? She sounds very old fashioned - has she taught you that once you're married, that's it and you just have to put up with whatever shit your partner gives you?

Forget the other man. He's irrelevant. If you think of him, think only that it's proof that you are still desirable and can have another relationship, if you choose to.

Your partner is obsessed with conspiracy theories and you are obsessed with this other man.

It just sounds like your relationship has fizzled.

@Heytheredelilax

My mum's not affectionate in the slightest unfortunately. She would be useless at a heart to heart.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you have someone you can confide in - guess it is important to choose wisely.

You’re fixated on this man became you are so bored! The fact you are able to talk to your partner makes me think you can work on things. I normally say - walk away if you’re not happy but I dont think you’re even giving sex a chance. Get your kids babysat, get dressed up, have a few drinks, sexy undies and seduce him. You might reconnect physically which might bring some fun back generally. Try and watch things that interest you both and try and work on things. He sounds like a good man and we all get in a rut from Time to time xx