So ashamed of myself for these thoughts.

[Heytheredelilax]

I'm not happy in my relationship anymore. Is to possible to love someone and think they are the kindest, sweetest person but just not feel in love anymore. I think my partner is the kindest soul. He's a wonderful dad. But he can be so dull. I feel like he's trapped in a paranoid world. He is so obsessed with conspiracies and I can't say anything about schools closing, or coronavirus without him saying it's because they want us to beg for a vaccine. He seems to talk about two topics. Work or this. We haven't had sex for over a year. In the last few months he's started walking past me and requesting a kiss. But I find it really irritating as the kids are around and I don't feel like that about him after a year of him choosing the sofa or the spare bed over our bed. We've honestly started living seperate Lives. It's rare for us to spend an evening together. It's sad really. I do think we lost our way abit after our second child was born. Two things are so important to me and they are laughter/fun and interesting conversation. These are the things I am really missing. I don't feel alive anymore.

I have done absolutely nothing wrong. But my friend has told me this week someone has been paying me compliments to her. I have had vibes from him. If he sees me he will go out of his way to talk to me. He will find something to call across to me. Then he smiles. Holds my gaze. If he's on the phone he will still put his hand up and give me a big smile. But we only know eachother from passing in the street and him knowing my friend. He does seem to be letting me know he finds me attractive. It makes me feel good and it's so lovely to hear a compliment. I have never had a man talk to another women about me like that. I'm usually the women being told these things about other women.

This last couple of weeks I've been thinking about this guy. I've thought about what if he makes more of a move. What if he gives me his number one day. What will I do? I've been really dreamy about him, but what scares me the most is I've never cheated and I fear not being able to resist anything he offers me. I don't mean sex! If he gives me his number I feel like id want to contact him. Which is awful awful awful.

My mind is literally in a mess. I still can't believe he's been telling another women about me. I've seen his friends stare at me too.

Reasons I never see myself with anyone else

My beautiful children. I'd never want to ruin their lives.
I have no freedom as a full time mum anyway.
This is going to sound ridiculous but my hormones/ periods make me so up and down. There are parts of the month I am just not who I was in my twenties. I have mild anxiety now. I just don't see how I could ever feel safe with anyone else.

I would really really upset my family. My partner's family. I would loose absolutely everyone around me if I ended my current relationship. They would be disgusted with me.

I don't work as my choice was to stay home until youngest is 4. Childcare would have stung us. So I can't be independent and just leave a realtionship.

Last night I woke up feeling like my conscience had shouted at me in my sleep. I suddenly sat up and all the thoughts were at the front of my head. You are a horrible person. You should t even consider what it would be like to be with someone else. Your poor kids. How could you put yourself before them. I struggled to sleep afterwards.

What is actually going on with me. Ive never felt this way in my life and I think cheating is disgusting. I can't just get to know another man.

Please don't call me horrible. I don't want these feelings. But I would appreciate any experiences and how I should deal with this. Thanks. X

I think an honest conversation with your partner would be helpful; you feel the spark has gone and you no longer feel like you have much on common. Tell him this. You need to recapture why you fell in love with him in the first place. The spark can come back-but it will take work from both of you. Tell him that you find conspiracy theories a complete turn off. Sure, he can be interested in them-but he doesn't have to inflict these on you in every conversation. I would suggest a date night every week (maybe at home at the moment!) where you take it in turns to organise a film night/games night/cook a meal or whatever-no work, kids or conspiracy talk. The sexual tension and attraction might come back over time but dont go at it like a sledgehammer-start in small ways, small compliments (which he needs to do as well!), flirting, texting. If the spark is just dulled rather than gone forever and both of you put in the effort, things will progress from there to kisses etc. Tell him you need him to make an effort-be explicit, dont leave it vague. Tell him you will make an effort too-what does he need from you? It works both ways.
He cant be blind to the fact the spark has gone. He should want to work on that with you as well. The man you mentioned reminds you of the feeling of someone being interested in you and having a spark or draw towards someone. Don't feel terrible about it-but use that energy to see if you can get that back with your husband. If you cant get it back, then it would be fairer to both of you to split and for you to be able to find that with someone else.

You seem understandably bored and tbf, so does he, and now you are both nit picking. I completely understand.
If he is basically a good man, then it is worth a bit of effort and you both owe that to the kids.
So before thoughts of handsome strangers (and trust me, they all get boring eventually) have a conversation. Not an accusatory list of faults. Think about what you actually want, don’t be vague and think about what you can do also. You both need to make some changes but it definitely can be good again.

Thank you for the replies. We had a conversation recently. I started it and explained I felt like we were more like friends. I told him the conspiracy thing had taken over his brain. He acknowledged he needed to change that. But he won't be able to. He's obsessed and when people disagree it bothers him. So I think he will hide it from me and continue watching it and stuff. If he has to see the world in such a shitty way he's just going to continue being a negative bore. He even said the other week we will be killed in 2030. When I said so you don't think our kids will grow up. He basically didn't Deny it. I think that made it even worse.

I don't see him as someone I want to get dirty with. Because it's hard to want to get off over a man who doesn't light you up.

I am so far from perfect myself. But I think I am a flexible person. I like action films. I also like comedies. I love the beach. But I also love the woods. I can talk about a huge variety of things. I'm very interested in health and social care. Before the kids I worked in pharmacy but I've doneend of life care too. I like decor and would love projects in the garden/home. But it's hard because he's got no go in him. He never tells me what he wants/likes. He never wants to get stuck in and help.

He cut abit of the tree down yesterday though. Miracle but that was after two months of me pestering him. Today his shoulders ache. His back aches. Hes moping around in his clothes from yesterday that he slept in too. I told him first thing this morning. Go for a bath. Use some olbas to relax. He's currently out in the garden still unwashed raking up the mess from yesterday that he didn't do. He really needs to get some routine with showers and things.

I think in a week or two the new guy will be forgotten about. He's just temporary I'm sure. Like a lesson I guess! I don't truly know what he's thinking after all. Wasted energy.

Thanks for all your messages and advice. I've taken them all into account. I know the problem is the closeness and things in common has changed as we have got older. I think if I still feel like this in a few months it will be time to tell him I want to just be friends. It's awful feeling so empty. I'm 31 I should have a sex life and I should be able to laugh and have equal conversations.

To me the getting bored wouldn't be so much of an issue - it happens and is something you can work on. My DH irritates me with constant updates on news of covid but at least he is grounded in reality. I'd worry about a man who is obsessed with conspiracy theories and has no energy for everyday life. Is he depressed? Losing touch with reality? Perhaps it's his mental health you need to look at.

He had depression last year. But it was due to a work issue. He had some therapy. Felt happy and weaned of them. He says he's happy now. He has always had this streak in him. He's a sensitive soul. He was badly bullied as a teenager too. He's a lovely looking chap but just was bullied for no reason. So yeah he has definitely had times of struggle. I'm always there and I always care. I've talked him through many things over the years. Hopefully given him strength and support.

Over lockdown his cousin has also gone down this route too. Her Facebook is full of it. I honestly have never seen this side to her. I find it hard to listen to. He has slipped up today again. Said his sister (a Dr) annoys him because she trusts it all too much. I said stop it to him. I said you are banned from talking about conspiracies. He said I'm not banned I'm just toning it down abit!

I guess I'm being selfish. I have got to stop thinking that anything good can come out of talking to another man. It will only cause damage. I'm sure he's not some sort of magical soul mate that's appeared in my life to save me. Nice idea though.

He had antidepressants that should say and therapy.