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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling very very alone and worthless...beware it is a long very sad story but i'd appreciate advice

72 replies

allib · 08/10/2007 23:44

short version....together 7 years...after 5 got married...1 1/2 later found out dh having affair (let's just say v obviously)....tried to make it work...6 mnths later I called quits (he couldn't even delete her number, never mind stop the relationship...still had to stay in same house as dh but moved away May this year...things still sh**...now dh g'f is pregnant....feeling awful/worthless/life can't go on etc etc etc

OP posts:
madamez · 09/10/2007 00:06

Allib - I had my DS at 39 (a completley unplannned, surprise pregnancy but now a much loved boy) so 30 is not too old to have children.

Original poster
allib · 09/10/2007 00:07

thank you all. feeling so low. remembered that this place was sooo supportive of mc last year. no one to turn to.

i know in myself it will get better. but it's been over a year now and i still feel like every form of crap. today has made it worse. a whole new level of not feeling good enough and a failure

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 09/10/2007 00:10

you are not a failure hun, you knew that the relationship was bad and you got out.you need to realise that he will not treat her any differantly to you in the near future, and if you think that it's going to be happily ever after with a baby then you are soooo wrong.it will be worse for her, if he dicks her over then she will have a bond with him forever that she can never get away from.i know the mc was horrible but at leat you got to walk away with no ties

Original poster
allib · 09/10/2007 00:10

and as mad as it sounds...30 to me seems oo old to start again...i don't know what i'm doing...in anything...not happy in my work (i'm good at it and it's a decent wage but feels like i'm meant 4 something else)...not happy with my life...or lack thereof...i'm (honest!) a good person but i don;t know what it is i'm meant to do or be and don't know where to start

(sorry if this is a bit heavy. i just have no one i can speak to)

OP posts:
pneumalifenewname · 09/10/2007 00:10

No, no,no 30 is not too late at all. And if you do have children they will love you fat or thin unlike some aesthetically minded toss pot of a man. Sounds lie you need some positive self imagery there. I understand that skinny new boyfriend stealer woman has dented your self esteem but she is clearly NOT a thoroughly beuatifulperson.

Fawkeoff (XX thanks for asking) I'm feeling a lot LOT better thanks (allib, you listening to this?) Anti depressants and a better attitude are working well

fawkeoff · 09/10/2007 00:13

well why dont you set some new goals for your life....if you're not happy in your job then why dont you do a part time course either at home or college???
you will meet new people as well, and i second that you should go to the docs and speak about your depression.
don't let the bastards grind you down x

Original poster
allib · 09/10/2007 00:17

i don't know what i want anymore. i think the unintentional change in my life has shown how much i've lost of myself. i don't have any desire to do anything other than sleep. i'm not fulfilled at work but i have no idea what i want to do. i don't see any point in my life anymore but (don't worry) i have no intention of ending it.
as i said sorry if thats a bit heavy
i'm sick fed up of feeling like sh*t and everything being about them and "what happened". just want the pain to go away. and it isn't

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 09/10/2007 00:19

are you still in contact with him??? if you are that needs to stop hun, please take pneumas advice about help with the depression because you cannot move forwars if you have a constant grey cloud hanging over you x

pneumalifenewname · 09/10/2007 00:19

That's exactly how one can feel when clinically depressed.

Original poster
allib · 09/10/2007 00:22

yes still in contact. forgot to mention that too. i'm living in a house owned by him (not for much longer). thats how i found out the glorious new tonight. apparently he still loves me and i'm his best friend and he's made a mistake.

bit late.

OP posts:
creambunnie · 09/10/2007 00:22

Hiya - looks like we are both lonely and sad tonight!! Have just posted for advice myself re broken marriage.

Please see the doc hun as you may well benefit from doing a depression questionnaire thingy - a short course of antidepressants may help lift your mood - try going a short walk, a wee bit of exercise even though you don't feel like it hun.

I have enrolled on two evening class courses and enjoy them immensely - good to do something for yourself.

Like you my self esteem has been battered over the past years of my life but heh we are in control - we just need to realise it - we have more strength than we feel we have. Try to think of positives and to surround yourself with positive friends/family.

Lol xxx

fawkeoff · 09/10/2007 00:22

WTF!!!! so he is saying he wants to crawl back to you?????

pneumalifenewname · 09/10/2007 00:23

Yep big mistake - you just made a brilliant (ok not seeming so right now) new discovery - that he is a loser.

Hard to hear when you have feelings (I am a total hypocrite in this sense) for the guy but he is and you will see this eventually.

Original poster
allib · 09/10/2007 00:26

no. not even that simple. he loves me. he loves her too. he's realised he's made a huge mistake and wishes things could go back to "old us". that helps my head no end

thanks creambunnie

problem i have is - sad as it sounds - no friends! all my friends as such are to do with work ( i worked with him and her too, COMPLICATED) so not the best. and family nearby are his, who are all being v nice but not exactly the people i can speak to

i am sooooo sorry for sounding such a sadooooo

OP posts:
pneumalifenewname · 09/10/2007 00:29

But it really really is simple if you think about it. He wants his cake and to eat it. You don't need that. Find someone just for you who isn't after anything more than just you. God he is taking the piss.

Be brave, you have friends and will find even more without this weight around your neck.

fawkeoff · 09/10/2007 00:30

((((((((HUGE HUG))))))))
you are not the saddo hun...he is.
you know that things are never going to go back to the way things were because he couldnt keep it in his pants.do not be fooled by his bullshit and i know its hard to nor cave in

madamez · 09/10/2007 00:31

He's an abusive, manipulative fuckwit. He's a real predator - one of those men who only like women who are in some way vulnerable.
It does sound as though you are suffering from clinical depression, for which medication is a very good short term solution (it clears your head and helps you get up in the morning and MAKE CHANGES).
You can do a lot better than this. You can have a fab life without worrying about this silly bell end. What do you like doing in life? What things have you always enjoyed? (Bet several things you like are things you gave up because FUckface didn't want you to pursue them...)

fawkeoff · 09/10/2007 00:32

and so what if you dont have many RL friends, you will find that a lot of us are more reliable than rl friends....we wont tell you what you WANT to hear

pneumalifenewname · 09/10/2007 00:33

madamez is right - I was with one for 5 years. I have a baby with him but honestly, thank the lord you are going to get a chance to have that baby with someone better truly!

creambunnie · 09/10/2007 00:36

Its hard not to let our hearts rule our heads - but heh - you can't be blamed for having emotions.... if you didn't love him in the first place it wouldn't hurt so much and you wouldn't have the pain and especially the low self esteem.

I am in the same boat - need to think STRONG thoughts - POSITIVE images - take time to make yourself feel best you can - be it hairdo, makeup, clothes.... you DO have friends... just look at the replies you got on this link!!

Try to be kind to yourself - rest up and try distracting yourself - otherwise think of your best friend being in this situation - how would you advise and support her?? and then you see a way forward.

Love and hugs xxx

Original poster
allib · 09/10/2007 00:37

thank you all. i hope you all know how much it means to get some support. sometimes it is the kindness of strangers that means more than so called friends (don't EVEN start me....ok since I'm here...a so called friend kept meeting up with dh and meddling in "the drama" thinking no one would actually speak to each other. bloody game player)

Here people say it as it is. And that's why i came here. i think there is hope for me because I know it's wrong to feel as bad as i do. on my days off (work shifts 7 on 2 off) all i do is sleep and don;t see any point in anything. i just went on holiday on my own. i literally met no one. no friends or anything. and i was away 4 weeks. and it didn't bother me. i had no interest in speaking to anyone

that isn't right

i feel like EVERYTHING is pointless

OP posts:
arfishy · 09/10/2007 00:38

Allib - you sound depressed and you're going to find it hard to move on unless you see the doctor. I felt exactly the same when I had depression. Honestly, it was just like living in a fug of hopelessness.

Please go and see somebody. Get diagnosed if you do have depression and get some help.

After that you can try to move on and meet some people. Do a night class or an exercise class (that will also help lift your mood). If you are depressed you will find it very hard to motivate yourself to do that though, so please go and see somebody. Change jobs! What do you want to do? Now is a great time to think what you really want and go and get it.

30 is young. You have plenty of time to start a new life and meet a good man and have the life and baby you want.

Once you start to move on you'll feel good about yourself. You can watch the trainwreck of a life your ex has made for himself and be glad that you're not part of it.

fawkeoff · 09/10/2007 00:40

when can you move out of the house....IMO the sooner you sever all contact with this nob jockey the better, do you think you will see the doctor soon???

Original poster
allib · 09/10/2007 00:45

oh yeah

forgot another part of my story - ready with the violins - 2 yrs ago had a serious infection just after getting my appendix out and almost died. you'd think that would bring a couple together but no that was really the beginning of the "drifting apart" end

so there we have it

in the same unfulfilling job for almost 10 yrs (and it's a majorly griefy job)

failed marriage feels like i've totally wasted my 20's

mc

was severaly overweight (random kids used to sing "who ate all the pies" at me and my nickname at work - just recently found out was FAST - Fat Arse Small Tits. nice.)

almost died

and now feel like sh*t about everything and overweight again (although not the 5 stones i lost thankfully, maybe just one stone but feel like an elephant)

in a nutshell

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 09/10/2007 00:49

i really think you need to have counselling....you have underlying issues and even though the drama with that dhit head is the major one, you have underlying grief about your lost baby and anxieties about your weight