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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In laws

28 replies

ChrisTophat1070 · 18/09/2020 07:11

Need rational advice or just thoughts. My wife and I are moving house to be closer to her family, they live on the other side of the city, which is Belfast so literally 10 minutes away. But it's just too far for them to all see each other apparently so we have to move. I'm completely fine with the move as I want my wife to happy more than anything else. I'd move to the moon with her if she asked. My worry is that shes told me itll be great, as her parents can call round "every day". I like both her parents but 2 years ago we had them stay with us for 8 weeks while their house was being renovated. It was the definition of a good deed gone wrong on my part because they literally destroyed our home. They were messy, her dad broke nearly all our cups, plates and glasses, their dog peed and dumped all over our upstairs carpet every night, (it took over 10 shampoos to get the smell out), her dad broke our loft ladder and hatch, trashed our bedroom which we'd given up to them, and then the day they went home they left while we were at work, without saying a word and left us with no electric on the meter. Theres too much more to mention. It was like supervising playgroup. My wife thinks it's great they'll be bear enough to just walk in anytime they like but it makes my blood run cold thinking about it. Anytime I try to talk to my wife about it it turns into a fight and I back down. How do I deal with this. They are nice people but I dont want them in my house every single day or I'll have a breakdown. Any thoughts or musings would be great. Also tell me if I'm being standoffish. Thanks muchly

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 18/09/2020 07:21

Why is a 10 minute journey so onerous for them?
We live 150 miles away from family and manage perfectly well.

Original poster

ChrisTophat1070 · 18/09/2020 07:27

I thought that myself tbh. For my with to go see them its 2 buses, which can take over an hour and a half. But they have a car! It's very one sided

OP posts:

JoanJosephJim · 18/09/2020 07:42

@ChrisTophat1070 I would request that your post is moved to the relationships board (it is about all kinds of relationships, ie brothers, parents, not just romantic relationships)

I think you would be crazy to move, sorry. It is all on their terms and they clearly have no respect for your house or possessions. I think your wife needs to explore why she doesn't see that it all appears to be you two doing the running around. I wonder if she is stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) this is why you need to be on the relationships board. How did she feel about her parents 8 week stay? Does she have a different outlook on it?

To have your post moved, just hit the "report" button on your own post.

Original poster

ChrisTophat1070 · 18/09/2020 07:44

Hi thanks for advice. What do I do after report? This is my first day

OP posts:

JoanJosephJim · 19/09/2020 07:52

Sorry @ChrisTophat1070 only just seen this, MNHQ (Mumsnet Head Quarters) will move the thread over for you when you report it and would email you to say it has happened, or you can just copy the original post and paste it into a new thread on the relationships board which is under "Body and Soul".

This board is a bit off the beaten track and this is definitely a relationships issue.

FippertyGibbett · 19/09/2020 07:58

You say you’re ‘completely fine with the move’, but you’re not are you ?
You try to talk about it and she turns it into a fight and you back down.
You either put up and shut up, or you’re going to have to put your foot down.

seven201 · 19/09/2020 08:02

No way would I move. As a compromise could you help your wife learn to drive so she can drive the 10mins? 10mins in a taxi shouldn't cost a lot? I appreciate my ideas might not be affordable.

I would absolutely hate to see my in laws or anyone pop in every day!

Sunflower1970 · 20/09/2020 00:15

Think you need to man up and have a constructive conversation with your wife. You are married to her and dont want her family invading your space every day. It’s not healthy or normal . If she can’t see your point of view then maybe your relationship has issues that you cannot ignore

Pessismistic · 20/09/2020 00:21

Sorry no but that is unbelievable you move to please them what about u? Why do they need to visit everyday why doesn't ur wife visit them if she wants to see them everyday why not mention inlaws sometimes put pressure on relationships and you don't want that how would she feel if shoes on other feet!

Pebblexox · 20/09/2020 00:24

I wouldn't be moving for the sake of cutting down a 10 minute journey. Why are you moving?!

katy1213 · 20/09/2020 00:40

They don't sound like nice people.

AlwaysCheddar · 20/09/2020 05:54

Sod that. I’d say no.

Chr1sTophat1070 · 20/09/2020 06:19

@JoanJosephJim thanks I copied and pasted to relationship board, then lost it all somehow lol I'm still finding my feet. Thanks for all other replies too, I'm just trying to gauge a female point of view on this situation I think

avidteadrinker · 20/09/2020 07:20

You say it’s one sided so maybe that will continue if you move, and it will mean your wife goes to theirs but it just won’t take her so long.
Or don’t move and just buy her driving lessons, it’s a good compromise surely!

Chr1sTophat1070 · 20/09/2020 07:49

Yeah that's a good compromise to me but not to her, her uncle is a driving instructor and has told her he'll teach her but shes got zero interest. When I had our last car I offered to drive her down so any times but she was always trying to get me to go in and stay for hours So I stopped offering

Blurp · 20/09/2020 08:00

It sounds as if your wife needs to break away from her parents a bit. Why the need to see them every day? Especially when they're so disrespectful of you both (are they messy in their own home? Does FIL break his own stuff or just other people's?)? It doesn't sound like an overly healthy set up.

Moving closer to them sounds like a bad idea, certainly at the moment. Your wife needs to realise that you and her are a family unit now, and that boundaries need to be put in place with her parents for everyone's benefit.

Ginfordinner · 20/09/2020 08:05

So, the only reason she doesn't drive is because she doesn't want to learn? I wouldn't be rushing to move anyway, but you would have thought it might have given her the incentive to learn.

Sssloou · 20/09/2020 08:08

Do you have DCs or are you planning any?
Does she work?

Just wondering if she sees her DPs as childcare option?

Chr1sTophat1070 · 20/09/2020 08:23

@Blurp yes he's atrocious in his own home, thinks its hysterical. He's a bit childish tbh
@Sssloou I have an 11 year old from a previous person and we have talked about expanding our pack. We were waiting until the world had settled down a little first
@Ginfordinner I couldnt agree more

Chr1sTophat1070 · 20/09/2020 08:24

Should also add that when my copy and paste post disappeared I deleted my profile and set up a new one. My username is slightly different cause I couldnt use my old one

Blurp · 20/09/2020 10:36

They all sound a bit childish, to be honest. Probably perfectly nice people, but why the need to see each other every day? Do they all work? If so, how do they have time to see each other that much? When do you and your wife get time to yourselves?

Your wife needs to understand that moving has to be a joint decision between you and her. She doesn't get to decide where and how you live. If you move, it needs to be made clear that her parents are not allowed to just "drop in" at any time.

Chr1sTophat1070 · 20/09/2020 10:48

No her parents are both unemployed, so they've got all the time in the world to see her. Plus my wife works in Belfast and never goes to see them

AnxMummy10 · 20/09/2020 11:37

I think you really need to speak up and put in some firm boundaries.
If you dont, it's only a matter of time that your relationship with your wife will be destroyed....and they will be living in your home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2020 11:43

Have you not as yet put this proposed move on hold?.

What if any progress has been made here since your last very recent thread?.

TheTeenageYears · 20/09/2020 11:57

I wouldn't want to move in your shoes and think it's important you find a way to agree on this somehow rather than having one of you feel the other has 'won' at the other persons expense - it doesn't bode well for the future.

From what you have said @Chr1sTophat1070 saying it's a 10 minute journey isn't strictly true and if you throw that around at home your DW will almost certainly object. It's a ten minute drive but as your DW doesn't drive it takes her well over an hour on 2 buses in order to make the journey independently and she is at the mercy of public transport restrictions which are often an issue. It's a 10 minute drive for her parents to come to see her but have you ever made them feel unwelcome or said to DW that you don't really want them around? Is the ten minute drive always ten minutes or is that at 2am with no traffic? If it's one side of a city to another traffic can be a huge barrier to getting in the car. How much of an issue is her not driving generally in your relationship and does she have good reason for not wanting to drive? Maybe she sees moving and being able to walk to see them as a real positive to her life. It would mean she could be in control and could pop in regularly maybe just for a cup of tea rather than an extended visit.

I have major frustrations with a DM who doesn't drive and have been through the feelings of frustration at having her come over for the whole day to justify the much longer than it would take to drive bus journey or not wanting to make my life with 2 DC busier by running her around instead of having her restricted to public transport.

How much have you talked about the move and have you been completely open about how you feel? Has she acknowledged that they trashed the house when they stayed and you struggle to want to be around people with such little regard for someone else's home?

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