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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I accept him moving on?

41 replies

Jazzy87 · 17/09/2020 20:49

My husband left me 3 weeks ago, stating he was unhappy, transpires there was someone else involved. That has ended already and he's now dating someone that he met on tinder.
I am so desperately sad and I cannot move past this. He has done/said such awful things to me, I don't want him back, too much has happened for us to work through this.
I just wanted him to take some time and not did not expect him to be seeing someone else already.
We've been together for 12 years and have 2 beautiful children. They are the only reason I'm getting out of bed. How do I get past this and live my life?

OP posts:
BlueJay99 · 17/09/2020 20:53

How awful. That sounds really, really hard.
I suppose it's the rejection that stings the most.

Try not to focus on what he's doing. Concentrate on who you are, how you are and the happy life that can be ahead of you. It's very early days yet.

TorkTorkBam · 17/09/2020 20:55

It has only been three weeks! Give yourself a break. Have some wallowing and some fury for a while. Calmly moving on will come later.

category12 · 17/09/2020 20:59

He's a lousy cheat and he had disengaged emotionally out of the relationship long before you knew it, sorry.

In the long run, you'll be fine and you'll move on. Give yourself time. Mourn the relationship. Feel your feelings.

If you're feeling very low, go and see the GP and see what support is available, whether medication or counselling or whatnot. Be gentle with yourself.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 17/09/2020 21:20

I just cannot get the idea of him with someone else out of my head. Why does he get to skip off into the sunset with someone else when he's completely destroyed our family. He's just walked away from everything, he's staying in his mum's spare room living out of a bag. Everything else is left to me and I have no idea how to deal with this.
A month ago I had no idea any of this was going to happen. We were a happy family. How can this happen so quickly 😔

OP posts:
Lalaloveyou2020 · 17/09/2020 21:30

Oh god. Living in his mums now, will probably last years. Walked out on his family. Tinder dating like it's a real relationship.

Look. It doesn't sound like it now, but in one, two, and even twenty years time, you will have won. You will have kept your dignity, kept your self respect, kept your family. Your ex will either be living with someone so stupid you'll pity him or be that man who is eyeing up 19 year old in mcdonalds while the 19 year olds laugh at his expense. There is nothing more depressing than a man who doesn't realise his age. Let him enjoy his second jaunt into his 20s, complete with financial and housing insecurity, while you focus on you and your children.

The manopause is real.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 17/09/2020 21:40

Is there any way to get rid of the anger? I can't stand feeling like this. I would do anything to just wake up and not care anymore.

OP posts:
fuandylp · 17/09/2020 21:44

I think anger is good for a while so I wouldn't try to get rid of it just yet. It's part of the grief process.
It will go away by itself eventually.
And then at some point you won't give a flying fuck about this prick any more. It takes a lot of time though.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 17/09/2020 21:47

@Jazzy87

Is there any way to get rid of the anger? I can't stand feeling like this. I would do anything to just wake up and not care anymore.
Many of us have been there . It is the worst feeling in the world and you are playing catch up currently . There is just something about men that makes it easier for them to prioritise THEIR happiness and to cut off from their previous life. They write it all in their head . I would advise you to get from Amazon the book "Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal". You may not be able to appreciate it all fully right now but in time you will get it and its messages . There is also a website . For now it's just enough to get through each day . I know how awful it is and it will not always feel like this . Make sure that you protect any joint financial assets you have e.g Saving account etc - get them frozen.
category12 · 17/09/2020 21:50

The anger is uncomfortable but use it as energy for now - it's a good thing, it's normal, it's healthy. It's very early days.

Katiefizz · 17/09/2020 22:04

Anger is natural in this situation. I like teal swans video on anger.... maybe it could help?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 17/09/2020 22:04

He is out on a date now. I know he didn't have to tell me, I asked him. Why can't I stop torturing myself Angry why do I want to know when it's obviously going to hurt. I just don't know how my life has turned out this way 😭

OP posts:
DeliaOwens · 17/09/2020 22:07

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. What a huge shock.

I would say you should allow yourself to feel ALL the emotions, but not to live in your emotions, if you know what I mean.

You need to get all you sh1t together for your children. Keep it cool but reach out for help if you can as doing the patenting solo won't give you time for you. I used to run, because I needed to be tired, physically tired, to be able to sleep but also (and this pathetic) so I could cry alone and out loud.
You won't believe this now but, you will find your new normal and there will come a day where he is not consuming your thoughts.

Many of us have been along this, or a similar path. Keep coming back with comments, questions, or just to vent. It will keep you sane.

Look around you and accept your new reality. Once you do this, it's easier to make a plan to move forward and you DO have to move forward.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 17/09/2020 22:20

I wish that I never had to see him again. But the reality is I work long hours and he needs to do his share of childcare. He will be here in the morning to take the kids to school whilst I go to work and I feel sick knowing that he's with her right now and that he will be in our family home in a matter of hours.
My mind is consumed by this and I can't think of anything else. Once the children are in bed it's like all consuming loneliness. I have never felt so empty or worthless.

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 17/09/2020 23:57

Harsh as it sounds you need to keep busy, make plans with your friends and start a new life. Easier said than done I know. Why not visit the Doctor and explain how low you are feeling? You need to focus on rebuilding your self esteem and kick him to the kerb. He is obviously a shallow loser with no morals. Be strong and move on x

wishing3 · 18/09/2020 00:00

My heart goes out to you. Trust that you will be happy again, and for now keep plodding through. These feelings won’t last for ever. Cry on those who love you and let them look after you. Flowers

hobbyhobby · 18/09/2020 00:47

Reach out to people around you. Ring people for a chat. Make some plans

toiletpaper · 18/09/2020 00:58

I left my ex because I wasn't happy anymore and he tortured himself over it, asking who I was with and if I had met someone etc. He was really bad for about 2-3 months, it's coming up to two years now and he's so much better. You'll get there OP it just takes time.

Somethingkindaoooo · 18/09/2020 01:12

Honestly

Its hard now but in a few years, you'll be amazed you ever married such an ass.

neverdoingthatagain100 · 18/09/2020 06:37

I know it's often said but 'be kind to yourself' is such a good phrase sometimes.
See the gp for help. Medical and possibly counselling (if it's possible at the mo.)
Seek help from all friends and family, I hope that you have got some support. Ask for help with the jobs that are overwhelming you.
Try and find a bit of time to wallow, it's grief and there is a process, this will not go away quickly and your recovery will take time, but remember that you will recover!!
Find a box set that you can watch, you need to get hooked into something (dynasty was mine! I watched it in a fog but it took my mind off the pain and stopped me thinking it all out in my head)
Is he doing the childcare in your house? If so that's very painful, someone more experienced in that area can advise on what to do about that.
You have my sympathy. Sending a big handhold, you are not alone and you WILL get over this. 💐

Mama2Cubs · 18/09/2020 06:54

I’m going through this myself at the moment but a few weeks further ahead and I know exactly how you feel. We’ll get there I am sure. If a person has the capability to make us feel like this...they are surely not worth our tears and love.

Original poster
Jazzy87 · 18/09/2020 07:17

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I've just left for work, he came over and was asking if I'm ok. Said I was very quiet. Of course I'm not ok, I am as far from ok as I can be right now! But I made myself not ask him about his date, I know the answer anyway. Why torture myself by giving him the gratification to tell me about it! I need to only speak to him about the children, nothing else. I'm so sorry to anyone else going through this situation xx

OP posts:
hobbyhobby · 18/09/2020 07:24

How awful that you need to see him in your home and how completely deluded is he to ask if you’re ok! Of course you’re not.

ukgift2016 · 18/09/2020 07:27

Men can be vile creatures. Anything for sex.

VickySunshine · 18/09/2020 08:40

There is plenty of advice on-line and numerous books on how to cope with the break-up of a relatiosnhip/marriage. It's a kind of bereavement and you have to go through a number of stages until you emerge out the otherside ready to throw back the curtains and feel the sun on your face. But it takes time. It's a process. The thing to remember is you will get over this and you will find a contented life again. Be kind to yourself and focus on yourself. A friend of mine found exercise helped. If you can get somebody to look after the kids then find something that gets you moving. Again, do a little research so you don't over do it initially. The release of BDNF and endorphins into the blood stream are the reasons exercise makes us feel so good. The somewhat scary part is that they have a very similar and addictive behavior like morphine, heroine or nicotine. The only difference? Well, it’s actually good for us. Good luck. It does get better.

buttcrackmcheese · 18/09/2020 08:47

I'm 3 months down the line from the same thing. I'm so much happier because now I can see that my life can only improve whereas he's stuck living in a single bedroom at his parents house. The other woman is also no longer interested since I contacted her and told her some home truths about him. Lost weight, got a new job, cut and dyed my hair completely different to the way I've looked for years. Just try to think about yourself and your kids. He doesn't matter anymore.

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