Constantly preferring the bad boy over the nice ones!

[Ribrabrob]

I’m dating with the view to settling down soon.

I’m quite lucky that I tend to get quite a lot of interest (absolutely not a stealth post - very average looking and also rather overweight!) so getting dates isn’t a problem, however the types of guys I like are.

I’ve dated very nice, honest, kind and caring men who make their intentions clear from the start. I do not find these men attractive or have any desire pursue a ‘proper’ relationship with them, despite a long term relationship being my aim. I’ve also dated guys who make it very clear from the start that they are a player - the type who only text at 11pm at night asking you to come over and never want to go anywhere. I find these men very attractive and find myself drawn to them and desperately wanting to be in a relationship with them. I also just naturally find them more attractive.

It’s come to my attention that I can’t keep wasting my time with these men because I’m not getting any younger and I do want to settle. However, I just find the nice guys so... boring. I don’t get excited to see them, but the players they could say jump and i would immediately say how high? despite being ashamed of myself inside.

I’m trying to work out where it stems from and I think it comes from the fact that I was in an 8 year relationship from the age of 16 with a typical nice guy - adored me, was kind, caring, considerate. But I just didn’t love him or have that raw burning passion for him - unlike the last waste of space player I recently dated who I can’t stop thinking about!

After those 8 years I made a promise to myself to never just settle. Sadly, I think I’m at a stage in my life where I do need to settle if I want a happy life.

Has anyone felt like this? What did you do? How do I start liking and appreciate the nice ones?

You've wanted what you will never really have. I think its more common amongst blokes and quite often why once they have DTD they disappear as there's nothing really appealing thereafter (knowing things would never really turn to anything further).

You talk about needing to settle to be happy. That seems to be the crux of it. Identifying what you really want and what youre prepared to accept I suppose but it works both ways and a lot of blokes will be wary I'd expect.

Are you looking to start a family?

Grow up! You sound like you're 14.

Its probay just that you have not met the right middle ground yet.

I was shocked to find a lovely fellow recently, really respectful and dependable. But he just didn't do anything for me. I wish he did. But nope. But the reason was that I just didn't fancy him. It had nothing to do with him being nice.

You have to have the whole package: they fancy you, you fancy them, they are decent. 2 out of 3 isnt enough.

But I actually take some good from it in knowing that there are nice men out there. And that clearly I attract them too, not just assholes.

You just have to keep looking. And in the mean time, ignore those who make it clear they arent decent human beings.

You'll get the full whack in time.

Oh dear god 😬

What exactly attracts you to them? What do they offer that you don't otherwise have? They're exciting? But why exactly? Just because they're hard to get? Is that the only thing that sparks "passion"? Are they any fun when you're actually spending time with them?

Sounds like you have low self worth. Jumping at a booty call like that's all you're worth, knowing that you're being used. Then turning down people who do value you because you don't value yourself. It might help to work on your self esteem.

@username501

Sounds like you have low self worth. Jumping at a booty call like that's all you're worth, knowing that you're being used. Then turning down people who do value you because you don't value yourself. It might help to work on your self esteem.

I think it's this too. Your childhood also has a huge impact on your future relationships. Ask yourself: What was your parents' relationship like? Did you have a stable, loving father figure? Did you witness or experience any abuse?

Counselling can really help. You're not going to be able to adjust to good men unless you work on your own self esteem and the root cause of your issues.

There are also some really good self help videos on YouTube, plus self help books, which are a way to start

E.g.

This is a really good one which includes actions you can start doing

I know how you’re feeling OP. No advice but I’m hurt and in pain at the moment for the same reason. Thinking of you and hoping for more and better for both of us.

Do you think it's that you don't feel you deserve to be treated well or that you have a fantasy of being The One to tame a bad boy?

Until you understand your monivation, you're going to struggle.

Tbh, life is pretty dull. Work, kids, housework, it isn't exactly thrilling 😁 but that doesn't mean it can't be nice. Drama is exhausting. There's a lot to be said for quiet happiness.

Counselling. So you can understand why you're drawn to something that is not helping you reach your life goals and is affecting your self image eg you said sometimes you feel ashamed. Counselling and a break from dating until you've done a few months of it at least, it'll be worth it.

Find a middle ground, automatically shut out the ones calling you over theirs at 11pm don't even entertain the idea of meeting someone unless they can go on a proper date with you, you call the shots.
There will be eventually a man that you fancy with the morals your looking for but it means holding your guard up a bit and be ready to turn down some that don't match up.

Come and join us on the dating thread on here.

We discuss issues like this a lot.

Also look on reddit at Female Dating Strategy, its about your self worth and what you want and how to date to get nice men rather than men who just use you.
Its about setting your boundaries high.

Maybe you're just not quite ready to settle down yet OP.

Maybe you're committment phobic yourself.

Or maybe you just haven't met the right one yet. You will know when you do.

Perhaps you should do some counselling or other work on yourself to find out why you're going for unsuitable guys - it's like a form of self-harm.

I think you’ve probably got unhealed parts of your self that craves the attention and drama that comes with somebody who isn’t available. It’s not that the nice guys are boring but maybe you’re not ready for a secure man who knows what he wants.

I was like that fifteen years ago. I allowed myself to be treated really badly - always available to someone who never went on dates. In hindsight I did not believe I should be treated better. My self esteem was on the floor. I was happy with whatever crumbs I was thrown and yet always remained hopeful he would realise he really did care for me and we’d live happily ever after. I did not have any self respect and he certainly didn’t respect me either.

A booty call with a player might be thrilling now but being sat at home with a baby wondering if you're being cheated on when your OH goes out won't be much fun. Think long term OP. You need a guy who respects you.

When you're dating what are you going into it looking for? If you want a long term relationship, it's perhaps more almost about "interviewing" for a potential life partner, rather than dating looking for that flirty spark, which is what you can do when you're younger/not looking to settle down yet, and sometimes it develops into the kind of serious longer term potential thing, sometimes not.

What are your long term goals? How do you envisage your life with the long term relationship you want? Maybe just start making some of those goals happen and maybe you'll meet someone doing those things?

Also this website is really good :) She has loads of great posts.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/mr-unavailable-adapted/

Don’t worry, after 40 any tolerance for Playa type shit fades fast. At 18 I would have been thrilled with an 11pm call, at 45 I’d probably be calling the police
Sounds like you have some unresolved issues.
Have a look at female dating strategy, you don’t have to agree with all of it, but sounds like it would be helpful for you.

How do you measure how attracted you are to someone? Is it how much you fancy them? Is it how much you like them? Is it because they give you 'butterflies in your tummy'? Are you misreading your own feelings/body? I have a friend who is like you, she always goes for the bad boy, because she wants to feel 'butterflies' but after the first couple of dates, it's not a sign of attraction, it's a sign of anxiety.

You can't seriously tell me that you think guys who treat you like a cum dumpster and will fuck anything with a pulse are hot!?? 🤢🤢

You can have nice and hot in the same person....yes caller it's a thing 🤦

You're either very young or........

You might find it helpful to read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. She explains how addictive the drama of dysfunctional relationships can be and how the healthy, nurturing love supplied by an emotionally healthy and caring man can seem boring at first. It really isn’t. I think there’s something incredibly romantic about going through the daily grind with someone day in day out and still loving them and finding them interesting. But it can take a while to work that out.