Constantly preferring the bad boy over the nice ones!

[Ribrabrob]

I’m dating with the view to settling down soon.

I’m quite lucky that I tend to get quite a lot of interest (absolutely not a stealth post - very average looking and also rather overweight!) so getting dates isn’t a problem, however the types of guys I like are.

I’ve dated very nice, honest, kind and caring men who make their intentions clear from the start. I do not find these men attractive or have any desire pursue a ‘proper’ relationship with them, despite a long term relationship being my aim. I’ve also dated guys who make it very clear from the start that they are a player - the type who only text at 11pm at night asking you to come over and never want to go anywhere. I find these men very attractive and find myself drawn to them and desperately wanting to be in a relationship with them. I also just naturally find them more attractive.

It’s come to my attention that I can’t keep wasting my time with these men because I’m not getting any younger and I do want to settle. However, I just find the nice guys so... boring. I don’t get excited to see them, but the players they could say jump and i would immediately say how high? despite being ashamed of myself inside.

I’m trying to work out where it stems from and I think it comes from the fact that I was in an 8 year relationship from the age of 16 with a typical nice guy - adored me, was kind, caring, considerate. But I just didn’t love him or have that raw burning passion for him - unlike the last waste of space player I recently dated who I can’t stop thinking about!

After those 8 years I made a promise to myself to never just settle. Sadly, I think I’m at a stage in my life where I do need to settle if I want a happy life.

Has anyone felt like this? What did you do? How do I start liking and appreciate the nice ones?

It’s well known that women fall harder for bad boys however much people want to deny it.

Bad boys are more attractive than nice ones. It’s probably got it’s roots in primal programming. A bad boy displays certain traits that a woman finds attractive when looking for a prospective mate......they’re more inclined to put themselves in danger, they’re physically and mentally fierce & alert, they’re up for hot sex, they’re not afraid to push boundaries to make things happen. Yeah they’re hot.

A bad boy displays certain traits that a woman finds attractive when looking for a prospective mate

Like STDs and sloppy seconds…..fucking irresistible that 😳😂

I was a bit like you OP till my 30s until I got so bored of the drama and heart break. It wasn't fun or exciting, being miserable and heartbroken all the time became really fucking monotonous. It's not thrilling it's just dire. I didn't trust my own judgement of men and stayed single for awhile. Ended up getting with my OH who is your archetypal nice guy. He is also intelligent, w read, articulate, really funny, lots of fun, sparkling company, caring, kind, loyal, generous. I've had so many more good times with him than all those dickheads.

Maybe you're sabotaging things a bit by mentally dividing guys into 'Nice but therefore boring' and 'Bad but therefore hot', even if you don't consciously mean to - I would say very few guys are totally one of the other, and maybe you're labelling some before you've really found out what they're like?

Sounds like subconsciously YOU might have a fear of emotional intimacy as these guys are v honest and make it crystal clear that this isn’t an option but this is actually attractive to you. Maybe they actually meet your needs and your desires?

@Ori82

It’s well known that women fall harder for bad boys however much people want to deny it.

Bad boys are more attractive than nice ones. It’s probably got it’s roots in primal programming. A bad boy displays certain traits that a woman finds attractive when looking for a prospective mate......they’re more inclined to put themselves in danger, they’re physically and mentally fierce & alert, they’re up for hot sex, they’re not afraid to push boundaries to make things happen. Yeah they’re hot.

I think the romanticised view of what bad boys is actually really rare in real life...sexy/dark/dangerous/hard to pin down and so on....but in reality these days when people talk about 'bad boys' they're talking about men who just treat women like crap and have no respect for them, they're never strong or dangerous or anything, I know around my area those men are the pathetic ones...and they're normally shit fathers too! There's actually nothing about them that would make them be seen as more attractive as a prospective mate!

I always went for the bad boys. Well, the ones who weren't necessarily bad but those who ultimately didn't have the personality that would be compatible long term with mine.
I've now met someone who is aillioniles away from my 'norm'. It is weird bit at the same time it's so lovely. I'm getting used to it. It does blindside me a bit and I do have to think about the whole thing often.
But
It's good. And I'm going with my gut instinct and ignoring the devil on my shoulder!

*a million

*miles

😂😂

Btw. I've name changed. Haven't posted in here for ages because ex used to stalk me on here!!

How lovely of all those critically replying from their high horses 👹! The OP is asking for advice for a very common problem that many women deal with and at least she’s aware of having an issue and wants to fix it unlike some!

You sound emotionally unavailable OP. You are choosing men who are also emotionally unavailable as I suspect that deep down you’re afraid of commitment. Even though you say you want a long term relationship maybe deep down you’re just not ready yet. Those relationships are intoxicating and very addictive and I think we all want what we can’t have to some extent. Working with a therapist to unpick things from your past will help and as others have said self helps books / videos is always a good place to start.

P.S Never settle either. I did this for someone who I thought was a ‘safe bet’ and it still ended in disappointment.

"You sound emotionally unavailable OP. You are choosing men who are also emotionally unavailable as I suspect that deep down you’re afraid of commitment. Even though you say you want a long term relationship maybe deep down you’re just not ready yet."

Yes - this sounds like a strong possibility. Have you considered this, OP? My DH went through something similar - during his 20s and early 30s, he had a series of intense but fairly short relationships (think 1-2 years, often living together). One day he was talking to a friend about how he was unlucky in love and she pointed that he always chose relationships which had a natural end date on them - three of his serious relationships were with non-UK-based women who were only in the country for a couple of years on each occasion.

Then he got together with a UK-based woman shortly before a planned move abroad... It was completely true. He and I got together a few years later (been 20+ years now).

I'd suggest just bining guys when they show themselves to be a twat.

When it comes to the 'booty call' late at night then just say no, you're not free. They/other's will be free at some other time too without you having to let yourself be used (which is what it is.)

If you bin ones when they're disrespectful, eventually you'll find one that both treats you decently and you find attractive.

Some really great advice on this thread, thank you. Some really interesting links and reads that I’m going to take some time to look into.

I really do want to make a change and that is why I started this thread. I know my behavior is silly, immature and damaging to myself and that’s why I want to stop it. It’s also very interesting that a lot of women find themselves in the same position I’m in. It’s very sad.

Regarding whether deep down I’m afraid of commitment - I suppose that really is a real possibility. I guess part of the reason i want (or at least, think I want) to settle down is because I feel a little bit of societal pressure because of age. I do think if age wasn’t a factor and I could have children at any age, then perhaps I wouldn’t be quite so keen to settle down now.

So yes, lots of things for me to think about and explore. Again, thank you all for the helpful advice.

It’s such a cliche, though, isn’t it, and sexist to lump men into one of two categories: nice but boring versus nasty but exciting? We view men with the Madonna/whore thing going on as misogynists who would be damaging to get involved with. Why is the same attitude from a woman construed as victim behaviour rather than villain behaviour?

The Madonna/whore complex is an entirely different thing!

There are plenty of men out there who will take the exciting girl or girl who treats them mean to keep them keen over the nice girl. Some love nice girls but plenty get bored.

The reason why I wouldn't consider it to be villain behaviour in this instance is if she's only going for bad guys then she's only hurting herself...if she was hurting the nice guys because she thinks they're boring and can get away with treating them badly because they're nice then she's a villain.

@Ribrabrob PP's have posted some great stuff. Basically though, it boils down to just not doing the thing. I mean, I used to end up with guys in marriages/relationships, or end up with guys who were just after one thing. Recently I blocked the guys who gave me that creepy/sleazy vibe.

I had a lot of therapy for various issues, but when it comes to dodgy men I think it can to an extent boil down to -just don't do it.

Just dont.

I have bipolar so that's different, I have to block the sleazeballs in advance so they're not around when my judgement is impaired. But the rest of the time I can just not get involved, steer clear.

@Closetbeanmuncher

A bad boy displays certain traits that a woman finds attractive when looking for a prospective mate

Like STDs and sloppy seconds…..fucking irresistible that 😳😂

Yes exactly 🤢

No idea what these women see in all these men who are probably riddled with STDs considering our ever rising alarming STD rates. Plus knowing they're sleazy and they've put it all about with different women...

Go back to your childhood. Were you always trying to get the attention and love of your family? Were you emotionally neglected and/or ignored?