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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So sad, house separation advice

55 replies

DeeDee20 · 17/09/2020 08:18

I can’t believe I’m writting this, it looks like my relationship of 5 years is coming to an end. We bought a house 9 months ago, how does separation work with this?
He sold his flat and put 100% of the deposit down to buy this house and we have a joint mortage. My salary (I earn more) helped with the purchase. He’s adamant he wants me to leave and tbh I’m so upset I would just leave but how does it work with a joint mortage, I doubt the lender will allow him to take on the mortage alone? He has debt and not a great job to repay it all? Has anyone been through anything similar?
Thank you.

OP posts:
CuntyMcBollocks · 21/09/2020 13:14

He sound like a prize bellend. It seems to me as though he wants you to move out so he can move his new girlfriend in, but you will still be stuck having to pay the mortgage as your name is on the deeds. Go and see a solicitor ASAP and also talk to your mortgage provider to see what advice they can offer. Fingers crossed for you OP

Original poster
DeeDee20 · 21/09/2020 13:50

He put down the full deposit, he sold his previous flat and with my salary we got a mortgage.
He’s adamant he’s not going to sell it and doesn’t want to pay for solicitors etc. Just wants me to leave but I darent until my name is off incase he does anything. What do I do with this.

OP posts:
Catsarelush · 21/09/2020 14:10

You will have to see a solicitor who can advise you what to do.

Original poster
DeeDee20 · 21/09/2020 15:50

Thank you. How much are solicitors for this?

OP posts:
Inaseagull · 21/09/2020 16:06

Have you called the mortgage company yet?

Igotmyholiday · 21/09/2020 16:13

About 15 years ago, something similar happened to me, it cost about £600 then to get the house put into my sole name, I took over the mortgage. If I were you, I would stay in the home as if you leave there were be no incentive for your ex to progress with the process

Original poster
DeeDee20 · 21/09/2020 16:53

Not yet. I’m so worried they will do something if he can’t afford the payments alone. Like I’ll be trapped there. Solicitors are so expensive and especially if he saying he’s not budging at all

OP posts:
hobbyhobby · 21/09/2020 17:24

You need to see a solicitor. Some do half hour free advice. There’s also a legal section on mumsnet. Don’t sign anything or agree to anything at all until you’ve had legal advice.

hobbyhobby · 21/09/2020 17:26

Can you afford to pay for 1 hour of advice somewhere? Should be about £200. Put it on your credit card if you have to! You must get advice. Or go to citizens advice but I’d advise emailing half a dozen solicitors in your area and see who and what you can get. Google “divorce, mortgage” plus your town and see who comes up. Email 6 of them now

Original poster
DeeDee20 · 21/09/2020 22:49

Thank you all, so so much.
He’s now telling me that he can afford everything if I just leave and not tell the lender...it’s in his best interest as he doesn’t want the house sold. When it’s due for remortgage he said he will do it in his name!
I don’t trust him on this..

OP posts:
TheWho67 · 21/09/2020 23:24

If you are both down on the mortgage and he doesn't pay then you will be responsible. The mortgage lenders could refuse to take your name off if he can't afford it on his own. The house could be repossessed if it's not sold. Defo get a solicitors advise and/or talk to the mortgage lenders. You may have to cut your losses and walk away with nothing. He must be mad to think you'd keep your name on the mortgage and walk away with nothing. You wont be able to move on. Get the legal advise and present him with the facts.

cyclemania · 21/09/2020 23:26

@DeeDee20 are you mad? Your dot dot dot shows you are contemplating doing as he asks. You have had really good advice from a solicitor on here what you should do, why have t you cared already? Think of the cost of a solicitor now vs. the cost of him defaulting on the mortgage and it becoming your liability.

I’m sorry to say that the first thought I had was that you roped you in to buy this house jointly with no intention of staying with you. I believed he used you for your salary to get offered the mortgage. And you still let him turn you over further!

What he needs is a short, sharp, shock in the form of reality. Why are you complying with him dictating the ‘what’s happening next’? Serious;y, threads like this enrage me as a scumbag is turning you over and you are letting him. Where is your self respect?

timeisnotaline · 21/09/2020 23:32

Everyone has told you what to do. I don’t know why your ex thinks you will give him the house you bought together while you stay liable. Get that solicitors letter and tell him in very simple terms the only way you are leaving is if you are off the mortgage and suitably compensated. It doesn’t sound like you have said this to him.

AnnaFour · 21/09/2020 23:33

I second the suspicion he wants you to leave and thinks he can get this other woman to move in and contribute otherwise why would he be so adamant he can pay for it?

I don’t have legal knowledge to add to what you’ve been told already but based on all the info up thread don’t leave. I’m sorry this is happening have you friends and family to talk to about this?

redastherose · 21/09/2020 23:52

Do not leave, I know it's difficult but you need legal advice. Borrow the money if you have to but get advice. You will be liable to pay all of the mortgage if he doesn't pay (joint and several liability) so you need to get your name off the mortgage and property. You won't be able to buy again while you are on the mortgage there as well. From this point on tell him the relationship is over, set up a separate bedroom, do nothing for him, no buying food, no cleaning up etc etc. Get in touch with the Bank and tell them that you are separated and ask them whether they would agree to him taking over the mortgage and property alone. If the answer is no you need to sell the property and you will need a court order to do that if he refuses to cooperate. However, it is likely that he will see sense if the bank refuse to allow him to take over the mortgage alone. Are sure that you document all payments you make towards the mortgage, keep a spreadsheet showing what you have paid and when.

redastherose · 21/09/2020 23:53

Sorry that last sentence should have started with 'Make sure'

SandyY2K · 22/09/2020 00:08

Why does he think you should just leave a house you jointly own and are liable for?

While the mortgage is in your name you can't get another mortgage, so tell him you want your name off the mortgage before you leave.

If he defaults on payments, it affects your credit rating and you need to tell him you're not going to let that happen...hence you want to be released from the mortgage.

The cynic in me says he used you to buy the house.

Don't let him bully you out of there and if he wants to message a million women...let him do so...he's already gone down another path, so he stuff him.

Original poster
DeeDee20 · 22/09/2020 08:13

Thank you all.
I know I’m going round in circles, I haven’t spoken to anyone about this and just feel overwhelmed. This platform has been a huge help to me to even just vent, so thank you for listening and commenting. X

OP posts:
Techway · 22/09/2020 08:43

Op, appreciate you are heartbroken as well as prospect of this legal challenge but you need to take charge.

Firstly read the post at 10:04 by honeylulu.

Second, take one step today. He is trying to confuse you so you just leave however this could cost you ££ in the future.

Solicitors advice would be best but if really can't afford it then take the steps yourself. Courts have a process for self representation and there is online guidance.

Mortgage company won't do anything as it is in their interests to get the mortgage paid. Just inform them of the situation and take it from there.

What is his income vs mortgage needed?

Original poster
DeeDee20 · 22/09/2020 08:58

I’m 100% not leaving until my name is removed. I will ask for help financially too for this. The mortage is £825 and I’m not sure of his wage, he got made redundant becAuse of Covid and now works at a supermarket part time. He also has £300 loan a month to pay. Maybe he could just cover it.
I guess if he refuses to hand over the lender is bank details a solicitor will have to be involved. How long does the process take to get taken off a mortgage if he can take it over?
Yes I am completly devistated by this all and struggling so thank you all for your patience. I WILL get there x

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 22/09/2020 09:03

I know you're in terrible shock right now, faced as you are with losing your home and relationship but seriously, please re-read the advice on here and take it.

I honestly think like other PPs have mentioned, that your BF is doing a number on you. You've already had some excellent steps outlined to you by a legal professional. If you don't start taking some steps towards protecting your own interests, you're going to find yourself up shit creek.

Once you start equipping yourself with solid information on your options you will start to feel more in control of the situation. Solicitors fees are high, avg £100-200 per hour, and they charge for each phone call, letter etc so it would be a waste of money to use them for basic info that you can find out on your own. Save that expense for the tricky stuff.

PegasusReturns · 22/09/2020 09:07

You’ve had some really good advice on here.

If you’re happy for him to buy you out (don’t worry about whether he can afford it - the bank can deal with that). Tell him he needs to move to get the mortgage in his name.

He can call the bank today and get ball rolling. You are NOT moving out until that is finalised. If he’s as skint as you imply then it’ll take less than a day or two for bank to confirm they won’t lend to him.

At that point he has two options: allows you to take on mortgage OR allows house to be sold.

One step at a time, but get him to call bank today.

Original poster
DeeDee20 · 22/09/2020 09:19

Will do!
I can and will do this!
Thank you xx

OP posts:
Wilma55 · 22/09/2020 09:23

Are you in a union at work? They might offer a legal advice line.

Techway · 22/09/2020 09:34

it's not so much his income but affordability, multiple of annual, so what amount did you borrow?

From what you say he thinks he can afford the monthly amount due to ow moving in BUT to be taken off the mortgage he needs to earn the correct multiple of salary..completely different calculation and from what you say highly unlikely. The banks cannot lend on the basis he will get a lodger, he has to show he have reliable income himself.

So if he earns 10k and mortgage 100k that is 10X his income so unaffordable.

He has to get someone with similar income profile to you to become joint.

I feel for you as no doubt in your mind he has changed overnight but this is the real person, he just hid who he was. A few of us have been there and can relate to it. Just know he will repeat what he did to you with any new woman. Good decent men don't act like this.

Don't agree to anything, do your research and take steps to protect yourself...put yourself first as that is what he is doing.