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Original poster

Ex and contact with children

35 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 16/09/2020 23:45

My ex has contact every other weekend for the day, no over nights, he will see them for the day take them out and bring them back, that’s it every 2 weeks, this was his choice. He does not call to speak to them at all during the 2 weeks, is this normal? Does your ex contact the children during the time he doesn’t have contact? They are not babies/toddler so old enough to have a conversation about their day etc?

OP posts:
Appleofmyeye05 · 19/09/2020 10:10

He’s slacking I. His parental duties.

The kids will realise this soon and may not even want to speak to him

Livelovebehappy · 19/09/2020 10:19

He’s just going through the motions of the minimum expected from him. Just enough to show his DCs and family/friends that he is maintaining some sort of contact. It’s sad but unfortunately if this is the way he is then he won’t change as clearly doesn’t have the self-awareness to see that his DCs require more of an input from their DF in between the times he sees them.

safeordangerous · 19/09/2020 10:33

How long have you been separated and how difficult was it?

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 19/09/2020 12:56

Yes it was a bad break up he left me when I was pregnant, but we’ve been split up 3 years now. He went through a period of no contact then got in contact again asking to see them but only wants to see them twice a month for the day. No overnights. It would be one thing if he was taking them for the weekend every other fortnight but it’s just the day. He may ask me a few times how they are but he doesn’t ask to speak to them or video call them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 19/09/2020 13:04

And that’s what I feel like I feel like he is doing the bare minimum just to ease guilt and look like he sees them but 2 weeks between visits is a very long time especially when there is no contact in between. And it feels so much longer for a child

OP posts:
Festivalgirl83 · 19/09/2020 13:15

That's very limited time. Why wont he have them overnight on those weekends? You are entitled to some free time for yourself too.

My ex has kids regularly but in between he never asks how they are or video call etc which my current DP does with his DC

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 19/09/2020 13:42

I wouldn’t mind if he had regular contact, he can’t take them over night as he lives in a house share but surely he should make up for that by seeing them more often but I don’t want to make him see them more often when he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
Elieza · 19/09/2020 14:00

So he gets them for three or four hours once a fortnight?

He’s got a cushy number there. No hard stuff. No having to stay in every night in the week (I know that’s not particularly relevant during CV but that’s not the point).

Do you know he lives in a house share for sure?

Could be that he’s not told his latest burd that he has kids and says he’s going to the golf course once a fortnight?

I’d be pushing for once a week tbh. Until he gets his own pad.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 19/09/2020 14:03

I don’t know much about his living situation as he is 2 hours away but that is a possibility, he claims he is renting a room from a friend. He doesn’t see why I have an issue with his lack of interest, it’s so bad that my son has made up an imaginary dad.

OP posts:
Elieza · 19/09/2020 14:22

Poor little boy. Tell the feckless father that and see if it provokes a response.

If he’s sharing he should be ok with you coming over perhaps as a one off to bring dc to see him? If not you could consider why not. Inclined to think he has someone he doesn’t want you to know about. And them to not know about you and dc but I could be wrong and he’s just a lazy shit.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 19/09/2020 14:37

Should also add he only takes them to the local park, or shopping then some food and home, doesn’t take them anywhere else he has asked for suggestions in the past because “he doesn’t know my area” but everything I suggested he claimed was too far.

OP posts:
ReginaaPhalange · 19/09/2020 14:41

My DH isn't allowed to contact his DC when it's not his weekend to have them. DC mum even asked him why he needs to contact DC when it's not his weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 19/09/2020 14:50

My ex used to see the dc every Saturday for about 6 hours. He's seen them 3 times since lockdown started. He never contacts them between contacts, if they are lucky he replies to their texts to him. (They are teens)

SandyY2K · 19/09/2020 15:14

He's really not much of a dad is he. Your DS will hardly know him as a person and vice versa.

Do you have any contact with your Ex's family at all?

safeordangerous · 19/09/2020 15:15

@Givemeabreak88

Yes it was a bad break up he left me when I was pregnant, but we’ve been split up 3 years now. He went through a period of no contact then got in contact again asking to see them but only wants to see them twice a month for the day. No overnights. It would be one thing if he was taking them for the weekend every other fortnight but it’s just the day. He may ask me a few times how they are but he doesn’t ask to speak to them or video call them.
Three years on you would have expected things to settle. If he's renting a room / house share then that I suppose explains it a little if it's genuinely difficult for him to have kids for a longer period of time. How old are the kids? From experience a call now and then with thr kids isnt great when you don't get on with ex. I do it if Im not going to see kids for a few days (say not see them on a weekend) but its not that enjoyable and no comparison to time with them.
Blueskytoday06 · 19/09/2020 15:21

Disney dad!!!

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 19/09/2020 16:32

They are 10 8 and 6 and we also have a 3 year old but I imagine she wouldn’t be included In the phone call, I get the room situation but I struggle to have sympathy because I haven’t had a single night off since we broke up and hardly ever likely to as he is unlikely to ever get his own place, so he will probably never have them overnight. He’s a total Disney dad as he sees them has a fun day out then off for another 2 weeks, I deal with all the hard work. They obviously miss him and would like more contact otherwise they wouldn’t make up an imaginary dad Sad

OP posts:
safeordangerous · 19/09/2020 17:04

@Givemeabreak88

They are 10 8 and 6 and we also have a 3 year old but I imagine she wouldn’t be included In the phone call, I get the room situation but I struggle to have sympathy because I haven’t had a single night off since we broke up and hardly ever likely to as he is unlikely to ever get his own place, so he will probably never have them overnight. He’s a total Disney dad as he sees them has a fun day out then off for another 2 weeks, I deal with all the hard work. They obviously miss him and would like more contact otherwise they wouldn’t make up an imaginary dad Sad
Could he have the kids at yours? That would give you the break but I realise that may not be practical for a number of reasons. I'm not defending your ex but I also don't know enough to be critical. Leaving the family home and finding somewhere to have four kids is hard (I know as I've had to do it). I'm a bit fortunate as I can rent for a bit less than I would on the open market for a 3 bedroom house. But I know for many its not possible financially especially if they still have commitments to the old family home
Elieza · 19/09/2020 17:06

He isn’t much of. Disney dd either tbh, a he doesn’t spoil them or take them to fun places that are now open. Disappointing that he cares about the children he created so very little.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 19/09/2020 17:22

No he doesn’t take them fun places just the park on the corner, near the house, like I said I’ve suggested places but everything is too far there is always a reason why he can’t take them anywhere, he left me I should add it wasn’t a case of me leaving him, he can’t have them at mine as I have no where I can go.

OP posts:
Ilovegreentomatoes · 19/09/2020 17:52

That's hard op do you have family that can babysit so you can have a night out sometimes?

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 19/09/2020 18:04

Ilovegreentomatoes No sadly no family that can manage 4, my mum may have 1 or 2 of them sometimes but she is in her late 60s and disabled so she can’t manage all of them at a time or overnights

OP posts:
safeordangerous · 19/09/2020 18:30

@Givemeabreak88

No he doesn’t take them fun places just the park on the corner, near the house, like I said I’ve suggested places but everything is too far there is always a reason why he can’t take them anywhere, he left me I should add it wasn’t a case of me leaving him, he can’t have them at mine as I have no where I can go.
He left you. Sorry OP he's a nob. Feel for you.
Delbelleber · 19/09/2020 23:15

What happens if they call him? I mean just thinking if it was my kids they would phone their dad if they wanted to speak to him and he would talk to them... But my kids are always getting calls from their dad so maybe its different.

changing35 · 20/09/2020 08:08

My ex is exactly like this. Not normal per se. But normal for a lot of us to have to put up with. It’s frustrating and I feel very very resentful of him because of it

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