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Original poster

DP wants to meet up with his x-wife socially

37 replies

Domainian · 16/09/2020 22:21

Been with DP 2 years. Him and his x-wife want to stay friends (they had a decade long relationship, no kids with dwindling desire for physical intimacy from her end, frustrations of not being able to conceive etc. They have always been amicable but never met socially since the split and now the divorce will be over soon, they’ve agreed to hang out socially.

She has a new partner too.

They have no kids and no obligations to tie themselves together and I thought with the divorce, it’d be a clean new start - as in, exchange pleasantries if seeing each other at mutual events or in street but not arranging to hang out together..

I don’t think anything romantic will go on but still seems a recipe for disaster. He still likes her and sometimes rules draws comparisons between me and her. The whole concept of them meeting regularly for the rest of their lives is uncomfortable to me, so much so that I don’t view this as a serious relationship anymore. I know he will still continue to help her out, fix things for her if she needed it (he did this whilst separated which was fine but looks like this will continue forever) - he lives fairly nearby to her and they both have keys to each other’s places (from when they were married)

Even people with kids often avoid hanging out socially with their ex so I’m a bit surprised at this and thinking through my options..

How would you all feel?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 16/09/2020 22:29

I’d hope the door hit him on the butt on his way out..
No way I would put up with that, it’s everything apart from the sex! I’d have to say, it’s me or her. I wonder how her partner feels Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2020 22:30

I’d feel deeply unimpressed. And I’d be walking away. Sorry, it’s way too enmeshed and weird.

onlinelinda · 16/09/2020 22:36

No.

TwentyViginti · 16/09/2020 22:38

He compares the two of you? For that alone I'd end it. He's trying to set up a competition here.

Lollypop4 · 16/09/2020 22:38

I would not be ok with that!
As you said, mutual gatherings I would understand but there isnt really any need for anything else

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/09/2020 22:43

Nah, don't stand for that.

Weetabixandcrumpets · 16/09/2020 22:44

It sounds like you are the 'sex' part of the relationship and she is still the rest Hmm.

Yes, men and women can be 'just' friends, yes some people are close to their exes blah blah blah ...but just no.

KatherineJaneway · 16/09/2020 22:45

I wouldn't accept it.

Redshoeblueshoe · 16/09/2020 22:47

My XH was like that. If mumsnet had been around then I hoped I would have listened when people said LTB.

Azerothi · 16/09/2020 22:48

It doesn't sound as though you live with your boyfriend, is that right? Do you live quite a long way from them both if it is the case that you don't live together?

SwimSwim · 16/09/2020 22:50

No, that's not good. I had this with an ex and very similar situation, (10yrs married, no kids, struggles to conceive too) and I repeatedly heard "we're just friends". Fast forward a few years of it (yes, I was a pushover) and he blurts out after a pregnancy scare that he wants to be with her. She had never wanted to split apparently and remained single, so it differs from your story that way. I had many people tell me this wasn't right and he wore me down. Never again will I go against my instincts like that. Please trust your gut here.

JustSaying101 · 16/09/2020 22:51

Nope. Simple as that.

seensome · 16/09/2020 22:53

Nope leave them to it.

TheBlueStocking · 16/09/2020 22:53

I wouldn't be fussed.

Viviennemary · 16/09/2020 22:55

Red card for this one I'm afraid. That is just do not on. Leave them to it and find somebody else would be my advise.

Viviennemary · 16/09/2020 22:55

Advice.

tinyvulture · 16/09/2020 23:04

Going against the grain here, but I still see my ex-husband socially from time to time. We have a child together but we will also get a babysitter and have drinks independently on occasion. Why wouldn’t we? I love him like a brother. No sexual or romantic interest any more on either of our parts (if there was we would still be together). But we are friends, yes. Always will be. I make this clear to new partners from the get-go, to be fair. If it makes them feel insecure, they aren’t obliged to be with me....... My most recent ex boyfriend was good mates with his ex wife too - in fact I became very close to her myself. It was never a problem!

Nomorepies · 16/09/2020 23:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/09/2020 23:09

Simon Cowell seems to get away with it.. but for me if it is done its done..

I would also walk away.

Lozzerbmc · 16/09/2020 23:12

Oh dear they are not over each other...

Divebar · 16/09/2020 23:14

Why is he fixing things for her? Surely if she needs a “ man about the house” for DIY purposes she would ask her own partner?

LilyWater · 16/09/2020 23:15

Suggest to him that you will also meet up with recent exes of yours socially?

Men often do not tolerate what they expect women to put up with.

Seriously though, why? Just don't understand people like this, surely they are capable of making friends who are not their exes.

Why does he need to be going round fixing things when she has her own partner??

More to the point, why on earth are you still with a man who clearly still loves his ex and openly compares the two of you (which must be running down your own self esteem). Are you not supposed to be in an exclusive relationship?? Leave him and find someone who values YOU above, and to the complete exclusion, of all others and not someone who sees you as just a nice addition to the preferred ex.

Redshoeblueshoe · 16/09/2020 23:28

It's the comparing that is awful.

hobbyhobby · 16/09/2020 23:28

It would be a no for me

moofolk · 16/09/2020 23:43

Comparing is a no no, but what's everyone's problem with somebody being friends with an ex?

Isn't it generally a good sign when seeing someone that their ex doesn't hate them?

If two people have been close for a really long time I think it's reasonable to continue to have some sort of relationship rather than cut them out of their lives. Especially if that is at the expectation of a new partner.