DP wants to meet up with his x-wife socially

[Domainian]

Been with DP 2 years. Him and his x-wife want to stay friends (they had a decade long relationship, no kids with dwindling desire for physical intimacy from her end, frustrations of not being able to conceive etc. They have always been amicable but never met socially since the split and now the divorce will be over soon, they’ve agreed to hang out socially.

She has a new partner too.

They have no kids and no obligations to tie themselves together and I thought with the divorce, it’d be a clean new start - as in, exchange pleasantries if seeing each other at mutual events or in street but not arranging to hang out together..

I don’t think anything romantic will go on but still seems a recipe for disaster. He still likes her and sometimes rules draws comparisons between me and her. The whole concept of them meeting regularly for the rest of their lives is uncomfortable to me, so much so that I don’t view this as a serious relationship anymore. I know he will still continue to help her out, fix things for her if she needed it (he did this whilst separated which was fine but looks like this will continue forever) - he lives fairly nearby to her and they both have keys to each other’s places (from when they were married)

Even people with kids often avoid hanging out socially with their ex so I’m a bit surprised at this and thinking through my options..

How would you all feel?

My mum had some great advice about ex’s. She said the ‘intimacy cycle’ worked like this: first you are strangers to each other, then friends, then lovers. If you truly want to go back to being friends, you need to go through a ‘strangers’ phase again first. Otherwise all you have to talk about is stuff related to being together romantically. You need to build up a life without them to change the dynamic, or you’ll just be stuck in an unhealthy old one.

I found this to be very true. I’m great mates with several ex’s, and always made sure there was a good long gap between breaking up and testing the waters for friendship. Sometimes years.

It’s also a policy that helps and shows respect for new partners on either side. They are allowed to feel a bit insecure about it, and be prioritised for a while.

Excellent post Girlzroolz

She was the one who lost the spark. He still likes her, runs over to help, compares you two, and now wants to hang out with her.

He is not over her and, therefore, is not truly emotionally available to you. His comparing you is utterly disrespectful.

Jump out of the triangle and walk away.

@Girlzroolz

My mum had some great advice about ex’s. She said the ‘intimacy cycle’ worked like this: first you are strangers to each other, then friends, then lovers. If you truly want to go back to being friends, you need to go through a ‘strangers’ phase again first. Otherwise all you have to talk about is stuff related to being together romantically. You need to build up a life without them to change the dynamic, or you’ll just be stuck in an unhealthy old one.

I found this to be very true. I’m great mates with several ex’s, and always made sure there was a good long gap between breaking up and testing the waters for friendship. Sometimes years.

It’s also a policy that helps and shows respect for new partners on either side. They are allowed to feel a bit insecure about it, and be prioritised for a while.

This is good for working out for yourself if you and your ex are capable of just being friends and after leaving everything in the past....but from a new partners perspective they won't know what's going on inside your heads and if it is all genuinely just friendship or not so new partners might not want to accept it either even after a long gap.

I put my foot down re this and DH has stopped seeing her but was annoying at the time!

Never ever

@moofolk

Comparing is a no no, but what's everyone's problem with somebody being friends with an ex?

Isn't it generally a good sign when seeing someone that their ex doesn't hate them?

If two people have been close for a really long time I think it's reasonable to continue to have some sort of relationship rather than cut them out of their lives. Especially if that is at the expectation of a new partner.

There's a difference between "not hating them" and being close friends to the point he's going round her house to fix things, admitted he likes her and is actively comparing the two of them.

You may be fine with this yourself but the vast majority of women wouldnt be, and for very good reason.

Just to correct, that I see you mentioned comparing is a "no no".

I think for most people there's a reasonable expectation of exclusivity between you and a partner. Of course both of you have your own friends but we can't pretend exes are the same as any other friend. It just isn't and there had to be boundaries.

*has

It does occur that you are the sex and possibly the rent a womb in thier relationship - intentionally or unintentionally

I’d have dumped him the first time he compared me to his ex.

That means she’s still his benchmark.

Nope.

I think they are still emotionally tied to each other. Who ultimately ended it?

If they wished to hang out occasionally socially but always in a group of friends, because they share the same friendship group and no one got “custody” as such, that would be one thing, but this is something very different entirely. This is much more one on one, and I’d personally be concerned one of them wanted the other back, and the other was enjoying the attention.