Help me respond to my narcissistic father

[otterbaby]

Hi all, I'd love a bit of input here.

A quick background - my parents split when I was a year old as my father started heavily abusing drugs. My mother raised me as a single parent for a few years and then she met my step-dad when I was about 5. He has been my father figure every since. As a child, I had arranged visits with my dad (and my brother, 1 year older) once he was clean. Without going into loads of detail, he's a master at guilt-tripping, manipulation and is a complete narcissist. Everything is "woe is me, your mother turned you against me, blah blah" although my mother always stayed completely neutral, even when I would come home crying because he told 9 year old me that he didn't like the birthday gift I got him and I should return it.

About 8 years ago, decided to go completely NC after he sent me an awful email full of ridiculous accusations about my mother. Completely out of the blue, it even made me wonder if he was using again. Over the last 7 or so years, he's sent maybe 3-4 emails to me (random one sentence "hellos" or a 5 word happy birthday message, etc.).

I'm due my first baby in 3 weeks. I made the decision not to contact him about this. He has no part of my life and I don't need him in my daughter's life. Somehow he has found out (I suspect a distant cousin has told him) and he sent me an email asking if it was true. Obviously he starts and ends the email by saying how he's sent me emails but I never responded, my brother never speaks to him, usual guilt trip business.

My response so far is:
Yes, that’s right. I’m due next month. To be completely honest, we haven’t had much of a relationship for the past 10 years and I didn’t think the news of me having a baby would change that.

I don't know what else to say. I don't want to engage with him. I don't want to say "I hope you're well" because that'll start the inevitable "no I'm not, can't find any work, my life is awful, etc."

Anybody with experience with a narcissistic parent who can help? I'm annoyed because I live a very happy, fulfilling life and then he sends me a shitty email and it just completely pulls the threads apart 😔

Who are you sending that too? Your distant cousin? Your wording doesn't sound like it's going to your dad...?

Dont reply at all to your dad.

OP, I'm sorry you've had such a shitty relationship with your dad.

I agree, there's little to be said.

I feel your response is adequate and outlines your feelings. There is little point of engagement because you know where this will lead.

Send just that response and see what you get back. Do you want a relationship with him? Will it improve anything about your life if you do?

It sounds like you have an excellent 'Dad' in your Step-Father so you aren't missing out by not having this man in your life. It's his loss.

OP first before you pen any kind of response, have a think about where you want to go from here.

Just sit with those feelings, hopefully in a place with few distractions and just allow feelings to flow.

Do you want low contact with him? That may include birthday or Christmas cards, the occasional check in text.

Do you want to maintain some kind of relationship? He may meet the new baby (congratulations), you might have a coffee with him once or twice a year.

Do you want to go completely no contact? If so, don't bother with a response and block his email and phone number.

You're allowed to maintain no contact with him if that's what you want. You're allowed to put yourself and your mental health first. It's not selfish to have boundaries.

Feel free to block him. He'll never change.

Good luck

You chose to go NC with him.
Keep it that way.
No good will come of responding to him so don't do it.
Keep your calm peaceful life without him in it.
YOU made the decision. Don't be swayed.
You owe him NOTHING!!!!

Why would you reply? You're just opening yourself up to him. Why is this time different after 8 years of NC?

Don't respond.

Just don't respond! Why on earth would you?

You have gone no contact already. Please continue to protect yourself - and your future child - from this man.

(I would also block his email.)

Responding is by its very nature engaging with him regardless of what you do or don't write. So stay in control and don't respond.

I am nc with my dm. She sent the usual woe is me messages. I just told her I was sorry we were unable to have the statutory dm /dd relationship but I didn't feel it was appropriate to have her in my /dc lives.
She left us alone.
As a teen she had tried to contact dd behind my back. Quick mention of solicitors saw the end of that.
In your shoes - I am also nc with my df - I doubt I would rely at all. Now more than ever he needs keeping away from you. Emotions (and hormones) will be running wild for you post birth. The image of him a second chance (as a dgf) may well run through your mind. I offered my df one and he screwed that (and my dc) up also.
Stay strong op.

You're all right - I don't even know why I'm considering responding to him. I have no interest in rekindling a relationship or introducing him to my daughter.

It frustrates me beyond belief that I can let an email from him affect me this much. I don't give him a single thought ever, and now I'm sitting here bloody stressing when I have better things to think about.

Blocking his email is a good idea too. I don't know why I never have before.

Probably need to see a therapist about this someday

You are at quite a vulnerable (though wonderful) time in your life (congratulations) and will have another person to love and look after very soon.

If it was difficult to deal with your father in the past it is likely to be even more so just now.

If you want to have an ongoing connection with your Dad - you could reply.

If you don't want this (and perhaps want to protect your baby from his future behaviour) then don't reply.

I'd block him everywhere.

You're human. Don't be so hard on yourself.

That person who told your dad is a flying monkey and should be ignored by you too.

I hope you have not as yet sent a response to your dad. No response no matter how carefully worded will help you.

Do not respond to your dad. No good whatsoever will come of doing so. What he is doing here is trying to hoover you; hoovering is done by narcissists as an attempt to regain power and control over their victim in this case you. He should be blocked from being able to contact you in any way; even emails are triggering and send you downhill mentally.

He has not changed in all those years and he is showing no respect for any boundary you care to have in that he persists in writing despite your no contact position.

Your as yet unborn child needs protecting from him. If he is too toxic/batshit/difficult or otherwise abusive for YOU to deal with, it is the same deal for your child too.

Don't let your child near him.

You bringing new life into the world did not fundamentally change your abusive parent into a loving family member. But adult children of narcissists (ACONs) like you seem to show a natural affinity for believing in this work of fiction. We have always wanted our parent to be loving to us, and now we want our parent to be a loving grandparent. What we want and what we end up with are two very different things. Where we usually get tripped up is our failure to recognize the adaptability of the narcissist to changing circumstances.

I would suggest you find a BACP registered therapist and someone at that who has vast experience of narcissistic family structures. This person should also have NO familial bias about keeping families together. You need to also find someone who fits in with your approach.

Do also read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and consider also posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

It's that dilemma of wanting to respond and tell him exactly why this is all his fault - but knowing that it won't get me anywhere. I need to remember that phrase "would you rather be right or be happy?"

@AttilaTheMeerkat it breaks my heart to think of my child having to endure what I did throughout my childhood. I couldn't live with myself if I exposed her to that just for the sake of letting him feel like he gets to play grandad.

I'm so glad I wrote in about this - I know I shouldn't need the validation but it definitely makes the decision to ignore him much easier.

I do think having dc makes you consider whether your nc status was too harsh. Images of a different life scenario runs through your mind. The wondering how a dp could allow their relationship with their dc to come to such a state -
I am at peace with my df being very lacking. His loss. He has nobody but his vicious dw. Punishment enough imo!

No contact is the only way. Don't respond. Block him. There is no point in responding to a narc, they live in their own warped reality, they can't even conceive they were at fault. His reply to your accusations will only make you angrier and unhappy. It's really difficult to do because you a good person with normal healthy values but having got rid of a narc this year by going nc I wish I'd found the guts to do it sooner.

@Sunnydaysstillhere absolutely. I haven't even met my baby but the thought of not having a relationship with her for the rest of my life is unfathomable.

There's only one response to a narcissist.
Silence .
Unfortunately they never change nor care .
Good luck with your baby I wouldn't let him have anything to do with ye now tbh 🤗

My Dad was a textbook Narc, I finally had the courage to cut him off completely when I was pg with my first child. I decided that while I could choose to deal with his crap I wasn’t going to inflict it on any children I had.
I didn’t go and visit him when he was dying (again - but actually genuinely that time) and didn’t go to the funeral. No regrets at all
You can’t win with a Narc, the only thing to do is not play

@otterbaby

Hi all, I'd love a bit of input here.

A quick background - my parents split when I was a year old as my father started heavily abusing drugs. My mother raised me as a single parent for a few years and then she met my step-dad when I was about 5. He has been my father figure every since. As a child, I had arranged visits with my dad (and my brother, 1 year older) once he was clean. Without going into loads of detail, he's a master at guilt-tripping, manipulation and is a complete narcissist. Everything is "woe is me, your mother turned you against me, blah blah" although my mother always stayed completely neutral, even when I would come home crying because he told 9 year old me that he didn't like the birthday gift I got him and I should return it.

About 8 years ago, decided to go completely NC after he sent me an awful email full of ridiculous accusations about my mother. Completely out of the blue, it even made me wonder if he was using again. Over the last 7 or so years, he's sent maybe 3-4 emails to me (random one sentence "hellos" or a 5 word happy birthday message, etc.).

I'm due my first baby in 3 weeks. I made the decision not to contact him about this. He has no part of my life and I don't need him in my daughter's life. Somehow he has found out (I suspect a distant cousin has told him) and he sent me an email asking if it was true. Obviously he starts and ends the email by saying how he's sent me emails but I never responded, my brother never speaks to him, usual guilt trip business.

My response so far is:
Yes, that’s right. I’m due next month. To be completely honest, we haven’t had much of a relationship for the past 10 years and I didn’t think the news of me having a baby would change that.

I don't know what else to say. I don't want to engage with him. I don't want to say "I hope you're well" because that'll start the inevitable "no I'm not, can't find any work, my life is awful, etc."

Anybody with experience with a narcissistic parent who can help? I'm annoyed because I live a very happy, fulfilling life and then he sends me a shitty email and it just completely pulls the threads apart 😔

I wouldn't even reply to be honest, relax as your baby is here soon so don't stress yourself with me. My mother is a narcissist also but I can't cut her out of my life for a long time, so keep him cut off.

There is no point in responding to a narc, they live in their own warped reality, they can't even conceive they were at fault.

This is so true. My ex still can't accept any blame for me leaving with the DC. He was abusive to us, and the DC (late teens) decided on NC, their own choice. I'm also NC.

One DC sent an email listing why they weren't happy with him, and he replied to brush it all aside and ranted about "me me me" without even bothering to address the DC's point. I only found out about the email exchange a couple of months after it took place. The DC said they actually felt better, they could see it wasn't them, it was him.

OP, you went NC for a reason. Having a baby is no reason to break that NC. You've already identified that you'll likely get a rant back that's also "me me me", so don't bother replying.