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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do....

32 replies

AnnaLoch · 15/09/2020 20:45

I admit I was wrong 100% earlier this year when during lockdown I had a very brief affair (am married with 3 DD's). I had many reasons for my actions and rightly or wrongly being cooped up in lockdown with my family bought the worst out in me.
Move on to now, my husband has been amazing with supporting me and allowing me back into the family as he understands why this happened (think lack of communication/affection/sex).
Unfortunately my 3 DD's know what happened and constantly treat me like a a toxic piece of shit. It has got to the point where even though DH is supportive I have been so worn down by my DD's negativity I am actually thinking it may be for the best if we separate.
I love my husband but actually feel emotionless right now if that makes sense?
Has any-one been in this position of having cheated, husband wants them back, but, you are not sure??

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 20:47

Oh dear. How old are your children and how did they find out about this?

Delbelleber · 15/09/2020 20:49

I'd leave. Sounds like that is what's best for everyone.
In a previous ltr I was at a point I felt like cheating but it wasn't something I wanted to do so I broke up with him and never looked back.

Katiefizz · 15/09/2020 20:55

This is a very hard one, although ultimately the first thing I would say that it is all very recent....I know you're exhausted with it but maybe some more time wouldn't do any harm. Also what age range are your DDs? How did they find out about it? and how do you see your future relationships with them if you stay with their father versus if you leave their father?

seensome · 15/09/2020 21:05

The relationship with your DD needs to be worked on regardless if whether you leave or not, if your husband forgives you and you can give it another go then go with that, your DD will slowly rebuild the relationship with you, leaving would drive more of a wedge I think.

category12 · 15/09/2020 21:19

Family therapy?

Your daughters may benefit from an opportunity to express their feelings and hopefully with the help of a counsellor, find constructive ways forward.

SoulofanAggron · 15/09/2020 21:23

Has any-one been in this position of having cheated, husband wants them back, but, you are not sure

It sounds like you're still not sure if your husband is the one for you. These things happen and if so you should separate from him.

Your DDs will come round. xx

TinyVictories · 15/09/2020 22:02

What are you unsure about? If you want to be with your DH? Or if it would be easier to split up? Your post suggests both as possible options, or some other issue?

Splitting up won't help your relationship with your DDs. They'll see it as mum breaking up the family. So you'll need to work through their feelings about the affair as well as their feelings about you splitting up the family. Because rightfully or wrongfully that's how they're going to see it. I think family counselling is a good idea. And maybe for yourself individually if you can afford it. You need to work out what you're feeling and what you really want, then work towards that.

Aerial2020 · 15/09/2020 22:07

If you leave and the damage is not fixed with your children, do not assume they will 'come round '. They need their mother and help making sense of this. Don't leave and leave them with all this hurt to deal with. That is not their responsibility and it will effect your future relationship with them.

Whatever you decide with your husband, please don't forget your children in this.

Original poster

AnnaLoch · 15/09/2020 22:23

Thank you for your replies. DD's are 20, 17 and 14
Unfortunately eldest discovered messages on my phone

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 15/09/2020 22:23

I can only imagine the hell you would have got on here if you were a man posting....anyway....

They are 2 separate issues.

Do you stay in the marriage
The relationship with your DDs

I wouldn't be heading to family therapy at the moment.

Do they still talk to you?
Have you apologised to them?

How they find out and what they know about the affair, including who the OM is will be factors in how they feel.

If they felt the marriage was good...this may increase their feelings of disdain.

If they saw their dad hurt and upset, that may also be relevant.

I recall a man whose wife cheated several years ago and he said their teenage DD had lost total respect for her DM.

She said her DM was a hypocrite and refused to take any instructions from her or listen to her, but she found out about the affair in a horrible way.

The OMs wife came to their house screaming and shouting to reveal the affair and she told the DD her DM was a homewrecking slut.

TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 22:27

Children don't turn against their mother that easily (Stately Homes thread is testament to how much we will put up with from parents).

There's more than this isn't there?

Original poster

AnnaLoch · 15/09/2020 22:33

No TTB what are you suggesting?

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 15/09/2020 22:33

I’m with @SandyY2K - sound advice.
Your children are angry and upset and are venting, which is understandable. Their lives have been turned upside down. It’ll take time to repair those relationships. No doubt you feel guilt, remorse and shame, so lots of feelings floating around.

TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 22:34

Is there more back story? Are they angry with you for other behaviours?

Original poster

AnnaLoch · 15/09/2020 22:36

No, I have bent over backwards and if anything spoilt them too much.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 15/09/2020 22:41

Do you want to be with your DH? It sounds like you don't really. It sounds a bit like you don't want the stress of the change or of being the bad guy.

SandyY2K · 15/09/2020 23:54

@TorkTorkBam

Children don't turn against their mother that easily (Stately Homes thread is testament to how much we will put up with from parents).

Just because the children in the stately homes thread don't turn against their mother, does not mean others won't and there doesn't need to be a back story.

Why would you think the SHT is representative of society at large. Everyone is different and will react differently in these situations.

Sometimes....children look up to their parents so much and feel incredibly let down when one is unfaithful.

Kids often see their parents as above mistakes and can struggle when their image of mum or dad isn't what they thought.

OP...you say you have bent over backwards for them and I'm sure you believe this to be the case, but their perception may be very different.

I have a friend who feels she does has sacrificed heaven and earth for her DD...but her DF is a friend of someone else I know and her feeling is so far from her DMs.. you wouldn't think they were talking about the same mother daughter relationship.

Your attitude following the exposure may also be contributing to their feelings. You pretty much seem to justify your affair and blame it on your DH without quite saying that ...then on top of that you blame lockdown...so if I'm being honest, based on what you've said you aren't entirely accepting or taking personal responsibility for your affair.

BaublesAndGlitter · 16/09/2020 00:17

My dad had an affair when I was 18 and when I found out I was so overwhelmed and confused by my feelings I was genuinely relentlessly horrible to him, and when they decided to work things out and he moved back home, I was then awful to both parents.

Think back to being that age, when you truly believe things are black and white and straight forward. I couldn't understand how my dad, who had always been lovely, could be the same person as the one who had done something so (in my mind) unforgivable. I missed him but was so angry and I couldn't handle my feelings. I said some awful things to him, ignored him when he spoke to me etc. Sometimes now I wonder how he stayed and put up with me.

It takes time. It's hard to see this side of your parents and their relationship, and your dc probably feel all the emotions your DH felt when the affair came out with the added part that you're their mum, the one whose limits they test because they know you're not going anywhere. You've shaken that and if you and your DH want to make this work, you need to stay put and talk to them. You don't have to let them treat you badly but you need to take on board the way you've hurt them too.

OldWomanSaysThis · 16/09/2020 00:28

It's weird to find out a parent is a liar and a cheater - and then to have it spun as a mistake, people aren't perfect, it's not black and white - and THEN to realize all of this blah blah about honesty, integrity, truth and character that children are taught was really nothing. It's just weird.

It's the whole Santa thing all over again.

Aerial2020 · 16/09/2020 09:00

@AnnaLoch

No, I have bent over backwards and if anything spoilt them too much.

But that isn't their fault. You can't expect them to behave how you want then to be when they are still quite young. They are developing and adapting to the news.

Aerial2020 · 16/09/2020 09:02

If a man and a father came here saying he had an affair and talking about his children how he had spoilt them, everyone would be calling him a bastard and that he had created this mess.

LilyLongJohn · 16/09/2020 09:10

I was 14 when I found out about my Mum's affair, she left the marital home for about 6 weeks and then reconciled with my Dad and moved back in. Tbh I hated her for a while, and I did treat her like shit, I'd go out of my way to be horrid to her, I'm now in my 40s and fairly horrified at my behaviour. However I was a hormonal teenager. My Mum simply grit her teeth and never once reacted to my toxic behaviour. I'd say our relationship started to improve in my early 20s and my parents have now been married nearly 50 years and still very happy

BraveGoldie · 16/09/2020 09:30

OP, your daughters' reaction is totally understandable. I also completely agree with others that ending the marriage won't make it better in any short term way. If you are linking the two (which you seem to be doing) then that sounds like you running away from the mess you have created.

Have you sat down with your DDs properly - individually - to talk about this? To listen to them? To give them the honesty about why this happened (they are old enough for that). I think you owe this to them. It's not enough to say 'it's between mummy and daddy and I'm sorry - let's move on' you have betrayed them too. You have put everything they treasure in jeopardy and deeply hurt one of the two people they love most in the world. And you are the second person - which is hugely destabilizing.

Once you have properly talked with them , listened, apologized, and told them what you commit to doing to never hurt them or their dad like this again, I think you can start to move forward and become firmer about bad behavior you get. At this point, it might also work to have your husband talk with them, to reassure them that he is getting over it and it would actually help HIM if they ease up. I would suggest working with each individually. They may well have separate issues, and more likely to be flexible when not grouped, and they deserve individual attention right now.

All of this, of course, is irrelevant if you are going to leave. If you are going to leave, then please please don't make reparative promises to your DDs.... then (in their eyes) shit on them all over again..... you need to work out first whether you are staying, then how to carry out your decision in the best way for them.

baileys6904 · 16/09/2020 10:05

They found the messages???? Were they the ones had to then break their dad's heart and tell him, or keep the secret?
I can only imagine the grief you'd be getting as a man posting this.

Katiefizz · 16/09/2020 10:42

While I agree your daughters behaviour is understandable I also think that there is never a good enough reason for abusive behaviour. What kind of behaviour are they exhibiting?

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