Feeling anxious and depressed after leaving narcissistic DH

[Feelingoldfedup]

It took me a lot of courage to leave DH after 20 years, 2 dc age 6 and 12. 17 years of the relationship/marriage he was all me me me after 3 years of love bombing. Puts himself first, doesn’t help with DC, had an affair pre DC which I should of taken as warning sign and should have left then. 2 children later, lots of councelling and I finally left at the start of lockdown as I couldn’t face lockdown with him. DC think he isn’t here because of lockdown and work they see him every Saturday he comes round to the house, so I still need to tell them we are separating. Ex DH is sleeping on his friends sofa, is totally miserable and wants to come back. It took me 10 years to be brave enough to do this. But part of me is feeling lonely, depressed, sad that I am 39 and wish I had someone to spend old age with, I know that might come but I will have to start dating etc again and I just feel old depressed and fed up with life. I want to be part of a family, my family, and am starting to feel useless DH is better than this. 12 year old is getting to the teen years and she has started to have a bad attitude to me, 6 year old is still very demanding although he is very loving. I’m sitting here lonely while kids watch tv after dinner, I miss cooking family meals and having another adult to talk too. I’ve got antidepressants but so far they are not helping. I miss him, even though he took little interest in me or the dc. We did have some good memories though over the 20 years and I just keep crying thinking I’ve made a massive mistake. Councellor has said to remember the cheating, the control etc. But I keep thinking of the nice time’s and feel like I have ruined DC lives.

I also feel anxious every time I see/speak to him as he is angry at loosing his home/daily seeing of the DC.

Firstly, well done for leaving. Secondly, you have done right by your children in doing so. If you had stayed, it would make them think that it is ok for men to treat their partners like that. In leaving, you are protecting them not only from witnessing their mother being treated coldly and her goodness taken advantage of, but also from growing up thinking that this is normal and in turn, ending up in similar relationships.

I would suggest continuing to learn about narcissists. You really need to learn as much as possible and let it sink in that there is no 'good and bad' to your ex. There is only the bad. The rest, was all part of a bad persons manipulation.

You are free now. And it will be hard and at times lonely. But it will pass. It will get easier. Know that you have done right by your children. Even if they are too young to see this now.

You say he is angry at losing his home. If you are in the marital home, I suggest selling and moving to your own place asap. That way he wont feel he has rights to come back into your life, uninvited.

The more separation you can get from him, the easier things will become.

Thank you so much for the reply I am feeling so lonely right now and do not have many people to reach out to in real life who understand.

That’s a good suggestion to keep learning about narcissists. He keeps being nice to me and I’m scared it is pulling me back in. I am also missing the future that I had hoped for rather than the one we actually had and I know that’s common in narcissistic relationships.

I am still in the marital home, he is still paying the full mortgage, keeps offering me money etc. Which is totally different to before he was financially abusive. I have been long term unemployed due to a health condition.

I know it would be difficult for me to get a property as with rentals I would be on universal credit and I would not be able to get a mortgage by myself.

I hate that I came to depend on him. I feel useless by myself. I am doing everything I can, councelling, anti depressants but still feel like maybe what I gave up is better than what I have now. I still have to speak to him about DC and he is less amicable now and makes me anxious.

Look at this with fresh eyes, he’s being nice because he wants back to his easy life, if you let him back he’ll just be the same old arsehole that does fuck all and treats you like shit.
Be honest with your kids, look for a job, get a hobby, stop making life about him.

If he succeeds in hoovering you back, you'll be back to square one - possibly worse, as he'll need to revenge himself.

The limbo you're in isn't helping - you need to tell the children and you need to start a divorce.

Don’t leave the house without speaking to a lawyer first

I think taking little steps towards independence might help you feel more in control of things.

I'm not sure how mortgages and that work but could you maybe speak to a solicitor about it? Becsuse if you could sell and get some money back from the sale then you could use that money to rent elsewhere.

I suppose you would also get a settlement in divorce.

Also, you should look into child maintenance payments. That way you will not be relying on what he is no doubt presenting as benevolent handouts, but instead, payments you are officially entitled to.

Start looking into ways of supporting yourself like that as otherwise it is really only a ticking time bomb until he gets fed up pretending to be mr nice guy and starts withholding money again in order to control you.

You need to be thinking 2 steps ahead of him. See him as an opposing general who is renound for never showing mercy. Who will take any kindness or compromise as weakness - and who aims to crush you. And take any and all necessary steps to protect yourself.

Right now you have a lull. Take this opportunity to get legal advice and shore up your defences.

If you need quick money, is there anything you could sell in the house? Ebay it.

I would recommend melanie tonia evans on youtube. She does good videos in narcissists.

Especially read up on narcissistic hoovering tactics (things they do and say to get you back). So that you can prepare against that.

OP I was in your position when I managed to get rid of my abusive ex the first time (successfully managed it the second time 7 years later!) I got back with him and pretty much instantly regretted it.

Don't go back to him. Let yourself grieve for a while but don't believe those rose tinted spectacles - your mind plays tricks on you when you're getting over someone where you start only remembering the good things but it's false.

You've done the right thing

SBTLove that’s actually good advice, maybe if I had a hobby I would be less focused on him. I am looking for work it’s just hard to find something that can accommodate hospital appointments time off etc but I would love to find something even if it’s only a day or two a week to start off with. I am on the list for an operation though so I’m hopeful things will improve in the future

category12 I’m not sure why I am so scared of telling the children, I guess maybe it’s because he wants to come back so it makes me the bad one who is upsetting everybody

notthetoothfairy my councellor has suggested speaking to a lawyer, I am a bit worried about the cost though, I literally have no savings.

bunnymumy thank you I will look her up on YouTube!

originaldiv thank you. This is what seems to be happening I just keep thinking of the good times and feel like I’ve made a massive mistake as I’m still miserable in this half life of still having him in my life but not as part of the family. It actually feels worse I think. And more stressful. Whenever he sees DC my anxiety levels go through the roof

Could you speak with the job centre? If you refuse any further money from your partner, perhaps you could sign on. Seen as you are looking for work and he has moved out of your household. Might be worth asking at least.

You can also get a single person discount on council taxt if you are now the only adult in the home.

You need to grieve. The thing with narcs. They arent always bad. My ex treated me like crap. Always did his own thing and he was his only priority. I try hard to remember how he made feel. You know that feeling in your stomach when you are in trouble. The person you love should never make you feel like that

I tolerated a lot of poor behaviour in the name of family. And the only thing that keeps me in this position is I don't want my dd to think this is what she should expected in a relationship. I learnt from my mother and I'm breaking the cycle now.

I miss him and the good times. But they were in frequent. I miss how my future looked. And I hate the shared Christmas and birthday.

But this is for the best. The children and I deserve better.

Hang in there.

ynicornsarereal72 wow that is so similar to my situation. I hadn’t even thought of the feeling in my stomach when I’m in trouble but I know that so well. Like if I had spoke to the male neighbour or came home from work late, the look of anger I knew I would come back to with the indirect questioning like do anything interesting after work if I was 30 minutes late.

That sums it up so well, he isn’t always bad. I miss that part of him that could be nice sometimes. And if I acted how he liked he could be really nice and sometimes I think I should have just done that. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t be the loving wife he wanted because I didn’t trust him. I always had my barriers up just in case he was cheating again or wasting money on god knows what again leaving the family short.

My ex always did his own thing too and was his only priority, Even above the dc.

I am also sad about the thought of a shared Christmas this year. It makes me feel really sad.

My oldest is a DD and I’m worried the damage of all of this will affect her later on

bunnymumy thank you, I hadn’t thought of the job centre. I have already claimed the single person council tax so that a bit of a help. I have managed not to ask ex for any money. I got my weekly shop down to £40 this week I would rather budget to an inch of my life than have to ask him for money

The being nice is hoovering to get you back, the abuse will worsen if you let him back.

randommess I will look up hoovering, I guess this is what is happening, part of me wants to believe he has changed but it’s so inconsistent I know that he hasn’t.

It is very hard. I have 50% custody of my DS (13) and it breaks my heart saying goodbye to him. (He is fine!). My STBX also manages to look sad and a bit pathetic and I feel horribly guilty.

I have a list of all the unacceptable behaviour to remind me. I have also got a new job and am studying for a degree. Sometimes I have to be very brave and feel very out of my depth, but 18 months on, it is getting easier. Be brave. You've got this.

weetabixandcrumpets that is a brilliant idea to have a list of all the unacceptable behaviour. I think mine would be an essay!

At the moment DH sees the DC in the home as I don’t think where he is staying is suitable for them to visit and I also don’t trust him as he has an inability to put them first. I don’t know how long he will go along with this, I will be truly scared when he has them alone. He would rather answer his phone than watch youngest by the road, or leave them in a unlocked car and do a supermarket shop, or forget to feed them at a meal time etc

I was up lots with nightmares about ex DH last night. I hate how I feel I hope it gets better. Why does leaving feel worse when it’s the right thing to do?

Possibly because when you were with him he controlled the highs and lows so life was a rollercoaster. But now your body feels like it is freefalling. It'll take time for it to recognise that there wont be anymore rollercoaster as you are back in solid ground. Well, sorta.

Uncertainty, I suppose. But uncertainty about what is to come is better than certainty that your future will be controlled, your days spent miserable and your freedoms taken away.

The nightmares are also probably a warning that you arent out of the woods yet.

It feels like I’m maybe in the hardest part, he is desperate to come back, I have loads of guilt that I’ve ruined his happy life, everything feels so hard and scary. But you are right the future with him would be awful, my whole life would be controlled.

You havent ruined his happiness as his sort are never happy with anything or anyone. The exception being the glee they get from stepping on you. That seems to make them pretty happy.

You've not taken away his happiness, you've taken away his victim.

Besides, someone else's happiness should not come at the expense of your safety, basic human rights and freedoms, or right to be happy yourself. Let alone when that someone is a complete and utter shit.