Feeling anxious and depressed after leaving narcissistic DH

[Feelingoldfedup]

It took me a lot of courage to leave DH after 20 years, 2 dc age 6 and 12. 17 years of the relationship/marriage he was all me me me after 3 years of love bombing. Puts himself first, doesn’t help with DC, had an affair pre DC which I should of taken as warning sign and should have left then. 2 children later, lots of councelling and I finally left at the start of lockdown as I couldn’t face lockdown with him. DC think he isn’t here because of lockdown and work they see him every Saturday he comes round to the house, so I still need to tell them we are separating. Ex DH is sleeping on his friends sofa, is totally miserable and wants to come back. It took me 10 years to be brave enough to do this. But part of me is feeling lonely, depressed, sad that I am 39 and wish I had someone to spend old age with, I know that might come but I will have to start dating etc again and I just feel old depressed and fed up with life. I want to be part of a family, my family, and am starting to feel useless DH is better than this. 12 year old is getting to the teen years and she has started to have a bad attitude to me, 6 year old is still very demanding although he is very loving. I’m sitting here lonely while kids watch tv after dinner, I miss cooking family meals and having another adult to talk too. I’ve got antidepressants but so far they are not helping. I miss him, even though he took little interest in me or the dc. We did have some good memories though over the 20 years and I just keep crying thinking I’ve made a massive mistake. Councellor has said to remember the cheating, the control etc. But I keep thinking of the nice time’s and feel like I have ruined DC lives.

Honestly I wish someone had stopped me going back the first time - tbh I can see now that I was just under so much pressure from everyone and I eventually caved when I saw something my 5yo ds had written in his hw book 'I wish my mum and dad would get back together' broke my heart honestly.

But looking back I should have stayed strong and not given in again because it was a HUGE mistake. Just for perspective when I did finally get out for good the same ds said to me that he wished I had left a long time ago and that staying with his dad had 'ruined the first 10 years of his life' (he was very angry about his dad and this was manifested in occasionally taking it out on me which I rode out - he's fine now)

So the bottom line is - don't cave to the guilt - kids aren't meant to know what's good for them long term, they just feel scared of change.

They will respond to the situation based on what you do - if you are confident and happy and clear with your decision then they will react positively too. It's very hard - good luck x

Whenever he sees DC my anxiety levels go through the roof

You need to keep tapping into YOUR body sensations and emotions around him - not what HE does or says (EVERYTHING is a manipulation - know that) - concentrate on YOU. This is your body telling you he is unsafe, unpredictable, dangerous etc. Listen to it. Act on it.

Then sense check that against the long long list of incidents / behaviours. Often we forget some of them - that was our coping mechanism when we we with them - but list them out one by one and you can then see in the cold light of day the consolidated and totality of his behaviours. These have injured you - so minimise exposure to him because he is a constant threat - that’s what the anxiety is - hyper vigilance waiting/wondering what his next mood / manoeuvre will dictate or trap.

The nightmares are important. This is PTSD.
This is what he has done to your mind and body.

You are at a crunch point now that’s why you feel stressed - it’s coming to a head - he has been bleating, begging and manipulating for 6 months - the kids don’t yet know - you haven’t yet see a lawyer - so it’s all at risk of falling back into reverse.

Listen to everyone who went back - you will just have another decade of hell and your DCs will suffer.

You are at a cross roads. You need to take some actions:

See a lawyer - initiate proceedings.

Let your DH know and expect his behaviour to erupt - so get emotionally and physically protected beforehand.

Change the process if him being in the house with the DCs. It is up to him to make suitable arrangements. This is not appropriate for your DCs or sustainable for you.

Tell your DCs - they already know.
Don’t feel guilty.

Look at filling your time with training / college / skills courses / hobbies / connecting with other adults socially.

Look to have gentle fun rituals with just the 3 of you - pancakes for Sunday brunch, walk to a market / park on Sat, cooking together, watching a TV series together. These are simple peaceful activities that will bring you all comfort.

Well done on getting him out of the house. That was a monumental achievement - chapter 1. Chapter 2 needs a few actions and formalities put in place as mentioned above (lawyer, telling him, telling the DCs) - alongside planning and looking forward to a much more emotionally balanced, nourishing and joyous life.