Tired on 'date night's, AIBU?

[anditgoeson]

My DP and I are both 40, we've been together for 3 years. We dont live together and have no plans too. We both have children from previous relationships who are quite young still and we dont want to disrupt them right now. We both work and have personal persuits that we are hopeful will turn into income generators so devote a lot of our spare time to them. As a result we dont see each other very often. On average we see each other about once a week, sometimes more but not often.

Due to this we do try and make our nights together special in some way, which has been lovely but I'm starting to feel the pressure of the expectations I feel he has placed on this time. Now that everything is up and running again I'm feeling tired and stressed and just want a cosy night when I see him, especially if its through the week. I dont really want to have to get 'date'ready ifyswim, and I dont want to stay up late or drink.

I feel bad about it because our time together is scarce but I cant help how I feel. I'm exhausted at the moment, I have 2 kids whom I have sole custody of (absent father) a demanding job, and I'm at Uni. I also do a lot for my parents so I'm on the go all of the time. I try my best to be upbeat and 'awake' but I cant help but fall asleep early and I can tell he's getting pissed off. I dont really know what the solution is, I've apologised for being tired and he says he understands but I know he's getting fed up of it.

I think it would be easier if I didnt feel like I had to 'perform', if I could stay in comfy clothes and just have a normal relax tv type evening but I know if I did that he would be disappointed. He always gets dressed up and ahem 'tidies' himself for a date so I in turn feel like I have to. He thinks it a shame to waste our night doing boring things but sometimes that all I feel up to. Aibu?And any advice?

I’d tell him I need a break. It’s too much of a routine with little in it for you. Doing the same thing week after week isn’t fun.
It’s ok to sort himself out but to say “your loss” is punishing.
Think about your needs first and what you want.

Sounds like it is all about the sex for him. Pretend you have an infection so sex is off the table for a month. I think things will become very clear very soon.

Thanks for all your comments I'm consider them all, and I am thinking about what has been said.

I am fed up of the routine and I am just really really tired and a relationship is hard when it keeps going at a dating pace. I do just need to talk to him and explain how I feel and I do think his comments were gross and I will talk to him about this too.

He's actually great to talk to about most things but to be honest there isnt a lot of support there and I do think I need that from a relationship. It's hard to give support when you both have so much going on.

I agree that in reality that by now we should be living together and that would make it easier but its definitely not going to happen and I have been thinking how sustainable this will be in the long term.

I think I do need a break at the moment until I can get used to being in a routine again at least, I think in these type of situations you have to be mature about seeing each other when you dont live together and accept that it may not happen very often and that it may not be 'special' everytime either.

We never really spend anytime together at the weekends which is when I am more available and more rested and I have brought this up to him. He has spent the occasional day with me and the kids but he is just in a mood and complains about one thing or another and I personally think it's because the attention isnt on him.

I struggle with assertiveness so this is something I need to work on, I plan on doing this and I will try a different way and if it doesnt improve after doing this I do think I will need to have a think about the value of the whole thing and whether it's going to work out.

Why should you be living together by now?

Just because a lot of couples do, doesnt make it right for everyone.

Depending on your history you might not want to, i left a 17yr emotionally abusive marriage just over 2 years ago and love living on my own (with my grown up kids) and wont live with a man ever again.
Luckily my boyfriend feels the same so the plan is to just see each other regularly including staying over but we wont be merging households.

He sounds shocking - passive aggressive, disrespectful, derogatory, manipulative, demanding, lazy, moody, sulky, makes you do all the heavy lifting, not emotionally supportive - selfish.

Everything hinges solely on him getting his cock wet once a week.

You are his weekly booty call / fuck buddy. He doesn’t want to waste time getting to know your DCs, spending relaxed time with you, supporting you - because he just wants his efficient mid - week sexual discharge appointment.

This is not a relationship which should be based on kindness and respect.

The minimum amount of time he spends with you in “date” mode / on fake best behaviour allows him to uphold his mask...any extra time you would see that he is passive aggressive, derogatory, disrespectful etc etc

What is his RS history and why did they end - wonder if it is because he was passive aggressive, derogatory, disrespectful etc

Anyone deserves much much more than this. What have your past relationships been like? I am guessing unequal and abusive?

You have denied and repressed your own basic relationship needs here and tolerated his shit behaviours for far too long.

It doesn't sound like a relationship, it sound like you're fuck buddies. Only meeting for sex (which is what it sounds like, as you say he expects it and is moody if you don't), and you're expected to dress up, and be shaved and in nice lingerie by the sounds of it! No actual intimacy with each other at all - he won't even go to the toilet in your house. I know you say the limited availability suits you, but are you sure the fact you don't see each other much means that to him it isn't a real relationship? As it sounds like a friends with benefits scenario to me

It does sound like it's all on his terms. A break in seeing him sounds like a good idea so you get a feel as to whether he is bringing value into your life. Currently it sounds like he's another burden.

I've been seeing my BF for over a year. I have teenagers. He has a younger child he sees EOW. We see each other on average once a week and once over the weekend. We are in regular contact over message through the day and probably speak on the phone most days. It's a mix of Netflix and chill and going out. We chat through problems in our lives and offer support. I feel he enriches my life. And I hope he feels the same.