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Original poster

Tired on 'date night's, AIBU?

57 replies

anditgoeson · 15/09/2020 12:14

My DP and I are both 40, we've been together for 3 years. We dont live together and have no plans too. We both have children from previous relationships who are quite young still and we dont want to disrupt them right now. We both work and have personal persuits that we are hopeful will turn into income generators so devote a lot of our spare time to them. As a result we dont see each other very often. On average we see each other about once a week, sometimes more but not often.

Due to this we do try and make our nights together special in some way, which has been lovely but I'm starting to feel the pressure of the expectations I feel he has placed on this time. Now that everything is up and running again I'm feeling tired and stressed and just want a cosy night when I see him, especially if its through the week. I dont really want to have to get 'date'ready ifyswim, and I dont want to stay up late or drink.

I feel bad about it because our time together is scarce but I cant help how I feel. I'm exhausted at the moment, I have 2 kids whom I have sole custody of (absent father) a demanding job, and I'm at Uni. I also do a lot for my parents so I'm on the go all of the time. I try my best to be upbeat and 'awake' but I cant help but fall asleep early and I can tell he's getting pissed off. I dont really know what the solution is, I've apologised for being tired and he says he understands but I know he's getting fed up of it.

I think it would be easier if I didnt feel like I had to 'perform', if I could stay in comfy clothes and just have a normal relax tv type evening but I know if I did that he would be disappointed. He always gets dressed up and ahem 'tidies' himself for a date so I in turn feel like I have to. He thinks it a shame to waste our night doing boring things but sometimes that all I feel up to. Aibu?And any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
anditgoeson · 15/09/2020 15:59

@Dontletitbeyou no it hasn't always been like this but definitely for the past year (with the exception of lockdown) it has been going this way and it at is most rigid/intense now than it's ever been.

He can be hard work at times anyway, he's quite am emotional intense person, but I definitely think he's worse since lockdown. I feel more like a vehicle for him to experience life through rather than I person atm.

I dont know whether it is just an side effect of lockdown and his limited life is making him be this way or maybe I'm feeling it more because I don't really have time for it right now.

He isnt a bad person but he can be quite selfish and he does not cope well with stress at all.

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 15/09/2020 16:08

Hmm, sounds like you might be seeing some red flags.
I was going to suggest you plan 50:50 and both commit to alternate planning something you yourself would like and something that the other would enjoy. And state that sex will happen when it happens but is not a part of the deal or planning.

Original poster
anditgoeson · 15/09/2020 17:23

@Sunshineandflipflops sounds like you have it right tone and that is where I would like to be.

I'm sorry about your Bf's poor health. That's how I feel. It's ok to be disappointed if you were hoping to have sex, especially when it's so rare and I have experienced that disappointment myself but I certainly wouldnt sulk or hang onto that feeling. And I definitely wouldnt make the other person feel bad about it.

I spoke to him and said I'm just too tired sometimes and he said that was ok and that 'sorted himself out' when he got home and 'it's my loss'. Dont really know how I feel about that comment tbh.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/09/2020 17:27

The sorting myself out when I got home comment is proper ick. You're not a wanksock.

Your first couple of posts I was kind of on the fence - I love going out and I love going out with my husband. If we only saw each other once a week I'd want to make it special too.

But the more you update, the more he sounds needy - like he can't be bothered to go out and make friends and stuff, so wants guaranteed sex and all his social needs to be met by you. That's not terribly attractive. Maybe it's just run its course?

Original poster
anditgoeson · 15/09/2020 17:33

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFricket isnt it though. He can be quite crude at times but this is bad even for him. It has definitely given me the ick.

OP posts:
Original poster
anditgoeson · 15/09/2020 17:34

And yep, not terribly attractive either. Both the comment and the attitude.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/09/2020 17:37

Anyone making you feel bad for not shagging them needs to go in the bin, to be honest.

Original poster
anditgoeson · 15/09/2020 17:45

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett hahaha, you sound like my friend she says this! Always makes me laugh. You've got a point tho!

OP posts:
SimonJT · 15/09/2020 18:01

Surely after the initial dating phase most of the things you do together is the ‘boring’ stuff.

Date night for us was always Thursday, zero attempts to dress nicely and we rarely did anything exciting. We’d normally play video games and then have a bath together, watch a film, read a book etc. Just ‘boring’ stuff you’d do on an average night if you lived together.

Now we live together I do tend to dress up for date night, but thats more because I like doing it and it makes me feel good, my boyfriend doesn’t care in the slightest what I wear. It isn’t expected, nor is sex, hes had surgery so thats off the menu for ages, even if it was just because one of us didn’t fancy it no one would whinge, sulk etc.

Original poster
anditgoeson · 15/09/2020 18:03

@SimonJT your date nights sound lovely!

Yep, does seem to be the general consensus so not feel so unreasonable now.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 15/09/2020 18:27

@SoulofanAggron

Have you told him how you feel? You have nothing to lose as if he won't let you child out when you need to he's not the man for you.

if we dont have sex he will be in a mood the next morning even though he tries to hide it.

This is not ok and you don't know that he's trying to hide it. It's at best pressurising when you don't feel up to it. More likely, it's manipulative/coercive. I would dump a man who does anything like this.

That's not necessarily true. If I was in that situation I would feel frustrated if I wanted to have sex and it didn't happen either and I only saw the person once a week. It's not a situation I would want to stay in for long tbh so I wouldn't be pressuring the other person into doing it...but i'm sure before I got fed up of it there would be times where I would be disappointed/frustrated and it would be impossible to hide...because that would be how I was feeling, not because I wanted to put pressure on him.

That doesn't mean the OP is wrong If she doesn't want sex then she shouldn't have sex...but it doesn't automatically make him the bad guy either!

pigcon1 · 15/09/2020 18:45

Have sex in the morning if fate night or before you go for supper - if that’s aim of date night don’t waste the moment.

I am so with you on the exhaustion levels.

newnameforthis123 · 15/09/2020 19:11

I spoke to him and said I'm just too tired sometimes and he said that was ok and that 'sorted himself out' when he got home and 'it's my loss'. Dont really know how I feel about that comment tbh.

I think you do... Icked out, not on the same page and not compatible. It's run its course OP, let this one go - he's not a good match long term.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 15/09/2020 19:21

So he wants/expects you to arrange his entertainment and Be his entertainmnet.
The sulking and comment about sorting himself out and your loss....ughhhh.
This one is not a keeper. After 3 years you should be comfortable enough with each other to be happy with a snuggle on the sofa and a bottle of wine on the nights you see each other. He's bloody hard work

Anydreamwilldo12 · 15/09/2020 19:23

What are the positive things about him/ your relationship? Are there any apart from similar limited availability?

Treacletoots · 15/09/2020 19:26

Let this one go OP. Any man who says 'your loss' at a missed opportunity to hop onto his golden cock needs to be shown the door, and pushed firmly through it. Ickkkkkk!

Suzi888 · 15/09/2020 19:32

It’s because you are literally constantly dating. It’s not really going anywhere is it? You both seem happy with that arrangement, but I can see why there’s pressure to ‘perform’ - in all departments!

Perhaps you need a break, just one week off to think about whether you really have time for a relationship right now. By 3 years most people have moved in together so the initial ‘dating’ has worn off and you naturally do just relax and veg out together.

All you can do is be honest with him I guess and say you’d like to stay in for once...

Eddielzzard · 15/09/2020 19:36

After 3 years you should def be able to settle down to a box set together in pj's and eat pizza. It sounds exhausting. And since you've got so much going on it's clear there's a mismatch in needs. He is looking to you to fulfil his social life and his once a week bonk. Way too much pressure.

So while he started out as being ideal in terms of availability, it's changed and isn't working anymore.

As for the coercive sex... that would put me right off.

snowgirl1 · 15/09/2020 19:54

My issue would be that, from what you say, he's the one who wants them to be special but you do most of the planning. WTF. Take it in turns to decide what to do/organise it.

Notcoolmum · 15/09/2020 20:11

The more you reveal the worse it sounds tbh. He isn't hiding his disappointment about not having sex very well clearly and the sorting himself out comment is unpleasant at best.

I admit that after lockdown I'm a bit bored of being in all the time and like to go out. Although my BF has just changed jobs and money is currently tight. We do a bit too much Netflix and chill but hopefully that will change. He certainly doesn't expect me to get dressed up for him or cook for him though!

Do you think this relationship has run its course?

thelegohooverer · 15/09/2020 20:30

I’m trying to figure out what you’re getting out of this relationship. Genuine question.

Dontletitbeyou · 16/09/2020 02:34

You just don’t sound happy , the more you write the worse he sounds . So he sorts himself out and it’s your loss ? Ugh , lovely .
Think there are plenty of guys out there who would be a better fit for you . There are a lot of guys who would be happy with meeting up once a week as they have busy lives themselves .

RantyAnty · 16/09/2020 03:55

Sounds like he's there for the free meal, entertainment and sex.

GarlicSoup · 16/09/2020 06:12

He sounds controlling and manipulative OP. Relationships shouldn’t be such hard work. LTB

FippertyGibbett · 16/09/2020 06:43

I really think you should take a step back and have a long hard think about having this man in your life.
He sounds quite unpleasant and as if he is using you.
Please think about how he enriches your life, if he does 💐

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