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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can’t sleep, so sad and alone

50 replies

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 03:56

I’m lying here not able to sleep filled with fear and loneliness. I never ever thought I would be so far from settling down by now. The idea of having a family isn’t a reality anymore, at one time I would have loved three!

A friend recently commented that my chances of love and a family are pretty much over and thank god I have my career.

I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve dated and had relationships and it’s just not worked out. I’m so heartbroken. I feel old too, my back aches sometimes, I can see lines on my face. I’m not young.

I feel regret for not settling sooner when I had the chance. I wish I had. I’m so low about it now that it takes a lot of energy to even go on a date. I don’t want to be sat in bars I want to be home with a family. It’s not going to happen now.

I know a relationship and family isn’t everything and I know I could go it alone but it’s just not for me. I have had everything in life except for a loving man and family and I feel washed up and like that’s just not something that’s meant for me. I’m so sad. Not really asking anything I could just do with some support. IRL it’s full of people getting on with their family life and I couldn’t bear to ruin friends and siblings joy by putting this on them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 03:57

That should say three kids...not there families. I’d have been more than happy with just the one family...

OP posts:

Quillink · 15/09/2020 04:02

I'm sorry you feel so low and sad. Do you feel like this all the time or is it worse at night? Have you talked to anyone IRL? Would counseling help?

Quillink · 15/09/2020 04:04

Gateway Women supports women who are childless by circumstance.

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 04:08

Always horrendous at night. The day is better. I have counselling and cope mostly but I’m so sad I would have done anything to have had my own husband and family. I literally have everything else in life and would swap any or all of it for a family and someone to climb into bed with and wake up with every day.

OP posts:

Igmum · 15/09/2020 04:10

Sending hugs . Please try to talk to someone IRL and remember there's always someone here for a handhold on the Mumsnet boards

Igmum · 15/09/2020 04:11

Cross post - so glad you have counselling and hope it helps

hypochondriaceveywhere · 15/09/2020 04:14

How old are you OP?

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 04:21

Thank you. Sounds dramatic but when I wake up like this I am filled with fear regret and overwhelming loneliness that I can’t bear. I’m 37, 38 in May. Even if I met someone tomorrow the chances of a family, let alone 3 kids, are almost non existent. Idea of a wedding and then a family certainly long gone.

OP posts:

pollylocketpickedapocket · 15/09/2020 04:23

Would you consider motherhood alone?

Quillink · 15/09/2020 04:25

It sounds like you're grieving. I'm very glad that you have counseling. So many women are in the same position, even if this isn't reflected in your circles.

Bellagio40 · 15/09/2020 04:26

Your chances are not necessarily non-existent OP. I got married at 37, had my first child at 39 and my second at 42.

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 04:27

Every night I just feel masses of regret that I didn’t just settle down when I could have. It’s so lonely. I have everything else in life and yet a relationship is one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, I would trade all of what I have for a happy marriage. I know I need to accept it as that’s part of my struggle. It’s just hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 04:29

bellagio I’m 37 and haven’t even met anyone though. I’ve not even met one person I’ve really liked enough to continue seeing in the last few months.

OP posts:

Inthetropics · 15/09/2020 04:32

Hi, OP. I've lived many years trying to cope with loneliness. Last year i met my partner and we will be getting married next year. I'm lesbian and will probably not be able to have children. I came here to say that sometimes (most times, in my opinion) we don't get to have it all, but we get to have a few of the things we wanted.

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 04:35

Thanks inthetropics

I probably sound like woe is me here but why haven’t I had one of these things..a partner to settle with even, let alone a married or family... those are the things that matter most to me. Maybe I should be grateful for my career and the fact I can more or less do as I please financially. It’s far down the list of things I would choose first though. In some ways it makes me feel lonelier as it all seems such a waste

OP posts:

Quillink · 15/09/2020 04:36

We cross posted OP. At 37 there are still plenty of doors open. Although it's totally understandable that you are grieving what might have been by now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2020 04:36

@Perhapsr

I think you're being over harsh on yourself here.

I know I'm not the "norm" but I met DH when I was 35, it was a long distance relationship for the first 3 years, got married at 39, had DS1 at 40 and Ds2 at 45.

Your life is not over yet.

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 04:37

Maybe but it’s unlikely isn’t it. I know others are in my boat but all of my friends and family are very much in other boats. It’s so hard and I feel I need to face up to this reality for me and it fills me with fear especially at night.

OP posts:

Inthetropics · 15/09/2020 04:38

Sorry, pressed post by acident. Well, i was saying that you may not get it all but that you'll probably get to live a few bits and piecee of what you had hoped. It's been like that for me and most of my friends. Some get the lovely family but have no money. I am now enjoying life with my partner, have a mostly great job but my health is not that good and children probably won't be happening. I know how it feels being alone and feeling like you could give it all up for a family because i've felt it. Bur i do believe that things change and life usually has a few surprises in store for us.

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 04:40

inthetropics thank you for your kind words.i guess there is truth in that. I wish I could shake this fear.

All these posts are incredible to read when in this state and this horrible time of the morning. Thank you.

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/09/2020 04:41

When I was still single at 33, I adopted my first child. At 37, I adopted my second. At 50, my third came along. Never found my "soulmate" or even a "bedmate" but I have three wonderful children and two grandchildren and two affectionate dogs to snuggle with at night. And I had a career that was satisfying if not financially rewarding.
Decide what you want and go after it.

Original poster

Perhapsr · 15/09/2020 04:46

It sounds silly but I always had this image of driving in francs with my husband and child, to some average resort where we got lost on the way but it was just lots of fun. I think it relates to a childhood memory of my own. I always thought I would have had these things by now.

OP posts:

Catconfusion · 15/09/2020 05:17

Hey @Perhapsr I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low. This could have been written by me at your age. Honestly I never would have thought I’d have a family. I’d just come out of an abusive relationship. Before that I’d spent a lot of my early 30s on my own. I just couldn’t seem to meet the right person. I literally went on hundreds of dates. I felt so alone and such a failure.

When I was 38 I met the most amazing man. Honestly never met anyone so kind and loving. We were married 8 months later. Sadly we had two miscarriages but then our beautiful baby boy at age 40. I’m up cuddling him right now and crying because I know too well the pain you describe. He’s 5 months old and I’m 41 years old. We will try again for our second very soon.

Things can move very quickly when you meet someone in your late 30s. Please don’t give up hope. Try to live your life as happily as you can (know that’s hard) and if a family is what you want, it’ll happen for you. You sound like a really smart and lovely women. Dating is tough but there is someone out there for you. Kind loving men do exist who want a family too.

The tipping point for me was when I accepted my lot whatever happened. I stayed positive and focused on other things. That’s when I met my husband. You deserve to be happy whatever that might look like.

I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you all the luck in the world! Xx

Sarahandco · 15/09/2020 05:48

Yes you still have time! You should think of the next five years - if you were to meet someone within the next two years, I am sure you could have a chance at a family. 3 is ambitious for anyone!

You said you are 38 next May - that is almost halfway through next year! you are not being positive -

popcornlover · 15/09/2020 05:55

You can take opportunity to do something amazing with your life - don’t you have other dreams too? Don’t shrink, do something to make people think “I wish I could do that, but I am tied to my husband and kids and spend my life tidying up after them.”

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