Can’t sleep, so sad and alone

[Perhapsr]

I’m lying here not able to sleep filled with fear and loneliness. I never ever thought I would be so far from settling down by now. The idea of having a family isn’t a reality anymore, at one time I would have loved three!

A friend recently commented that my chances of love and a family are pretty much over and thank god I have my career.

I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve dated and had relationships and it’s just not worked out. I’m so heartbroken. I feel old too, my back aches sometimes, I can see lines on my face. I’m not young.

I feel regret for not settling sooner when I had the chance. I wish I had. I’m so low about it now that it takes a lot of energy to even go on a date. I don’t want to be sat in bars I want to be home with a family. It’s not going to happen now.

I know a relationship and family isn’t everything and I know I could go it alone but it’s just not for me. I have had everything in life except for a loving man and family and I feel washed up and like that’s just not something that’s meant for me. I’m so sad. Not really asking anything I could just do with some support. IRL it’s full of people getting on with their family life and I couldn’t bear to ruin friends and siblings joy by putting this on them.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low. I notice you use the word settle a lot in your posts, the fact is that trying to do “family”even with someone you care about deeply is incredibly hard, settling can often cause immense pain and upset as well as strain highlights the cracks. I have felt lonelier in what ended up being destructive relationships than I ever have on my own.
It is possible to be a mother on your own, it is possible to meet a person to love at any decade of life...my Gran had my Mum aged 49, her only child. My Mum met her “the one” aged 58 and riddled with cancer, they had six joyful years together before she passed away.
Life is so damned short but it’s there to be grabbed, hard when we feel sad and alone but it is!!

Don’t give up in it. I get being sad, but double down. Force yourself out. All the cliche bullshit. But you have to do it just as you would if you were trying to fulfill any other goal. I thought I had the partner, marriage, family but after 15 years found out my exhusband was a serial cheater and now it is just me and the kids. Not the version of life I hoped for, but good. Maybe you end up with someone different from what you thought? Who knows. Things don’t always end up as we hoped but there are many wonderful versions of life. You are young. 38 in May? It’s September. May is a long way off. Don’t torture yourself, just force yourself out.

I had tears of feeling similar to you in my thirties.

I decided to do motherhood alone and then the pressure was off re a partner - I figured I then had years to find the right one.

If it’s your dream - look for ways to make it happen. Don’t give up x

Ps I am now 42 with a 3 year old and a husband.

*years of

Yes you might meet someone but I think realistically you need to assume you will not (and then it would be a bonus) You are wasting your lovely life just now by hankering after something that might never be. I too wanted the man (if not the kids so I accept that I am on a less strict timetable) and it just hasn’t happened.

What happens if in 5 years you are still in the same position but have spent 5 years just wishing things were different and not made the most of them?

I think maybe look at it differently. There are some things we want but can’t have. So let’s put them aside and think of plan b. Assuming that can’t happen, what DO you want. What amazing things can you achieve in the next few years that aren’t children?

Don’t pine away for what will not be. Take charge and control the things you can. Be proactive. Accepting that the whole picture I wanted of my life hasn’t happened has led me to a whole new world where there are other options. It may take some therapy. It will likely take tears. But what is the alternative?

Ps aware this sounds harsh but know it is coming from a place I understand and have deep sympathy for

Regret is a difficult thing... I went out with loads of guys before I got married at 40. Two serious contenders for family & marriage. I would have done well to marry to either man, financially & I would have had more kids for sure.
My DH & me thought we’d missed the boat on children, but I had our son at 44. Stranger things happen! Anyway, you just don’t know what will happen next in life...
The change came about for me when I stopped dating bad boys. And nice guys, who I just didn’t fancy. I know I was lucky to meet DH. But I was open to it. Is there anything that you can change that would bring love closer?

@BiblioX I’m so glad your mum met ‘the one’ before she passed. I’m sat here crying after reading through this post. It’s part gratitude for what I now have, sadness for how you’re feeling @Perhapsr and joy and hope that love can be found at any stage of life.

A good friend of mine is marrying her one at 50 next year. Yes kids have time restraints but you definitely have time. There’s a lot of scaremongering about having babies later in life. Yes it gets a bit harder and the risks are a little bit bigger but many people do it.

If not you could adopt or maybe you’ll meet someone with kids. Another friend of mine met her husband when his twin girls were 6 months. They call her mum and she says she doesn’t feel she missed out on having her own biological kids.

I would totally agree I felt more lonely at times in destructive relationships. Definitely don’t settle just to have a family. I myself decided if I didn’t find a partner I didn’t want to have a child alone but that certainly would be an option if you feel now is the time to do it. I would also add in that having a family is extremely hard. My baby is very young but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Much harder than I ever imagined. That said you could totally do it alone.

If I’ve learnt anything in the past few years it’s that life can change very quickly for anyone. Xx

You aren't alone, OP. I know so many women who refuse to settle for a guy who makes the minimum effort and instead focus on making their own happiness.

That's not to say you won't still meet someone, but you can still have kids and a busy, fun family life without them.

@GeorgiaGirl52 Love it.

@BiblioX Wow, so glad your mum found some happiness in her last years. What's the story behind Gran giving birth at 49?? Was it an accident?

Don’t give up on your dreams. Have you thought of having children alone?

A friend of mine fostered a 5 year old when she was in her mid forties and says it was the best thing she ever did. Some years later she net her husband. Things don’t always happen in the right order. Do think about other paths for having children if this is important to you.

Why long gone? I had my kids in my 40’s! I wasn’t married at your age. Why accept defeat!

You're definitely not too old. I met my DP at 39, and within 2 years he suggested we start trying for children. I'm now sat here with our newborn fast asleep on me (at almost 43 yo). It can happen to you too; there are a few comments here of similar stories.

I would suggest seeing your GP to check your fertility now so you know the situation for the future. We went through IVF to speed up the process because I had low AMH. We're considered old at 35, even though women are able to have children into their 50s & 60s, but there are things you can do to help your chances and improve the quality of your eggs. I read 'It Starts With the Egg' and I firmly believe this book is why I now have my DD. I took supplements recommended in the book for months leading up to IVF. You can start now to improve your odds for when you meet your future partner. Also there are books on being a mum later on in life and they talk about all the pros of being an older mum. I'll need to look up the book I read, but if you're interested I can post it later.

I'd also suggest putting yourself out there, if you're not already. I went on multiple dating sites and apps, and had hundreds of dates over the years. Would you believe that I met my DP on Tinder? I wrote in my profile that I was looking for love which helped avoid meeting men just looking for hook ups.

I'm certain there's the perfect guy for you out there, just be positive. Even if the dream of children doesn't happen, it's never too late to find your soulmate. And in case you want a support network now a PP mentioned Gateway Women -an online community for childless women. My friend can't have children and she receives great support from her new network of friends. You're not alone.

Good luck! x

37 pffft that's super young.
Anyway more practically - I have a (male) friend, nowt wrong with him but he moved out of our medium sized city to London to enlarge the dating pool we all suspect and he's now locked down with his serious long-term gf, so +1 for @WeNo's "get out there"

Completely agree with all of this @WeNo I wish I’d done more to protect my fertility before I met DH. Guess I thought what’s the point on some level. Then of course I met someone. After my two miscarriages I worried my single life and not looking after myself had caused it. Now I just think for me bad luck. I read: It starts with an egg and started implemented some changes. I don’t think those changes resulted in my son as I was already pregnant and didn’t know when I started. It’s certainly worth reading the book and doing all you can OP to protect your fertility so when/if the time comes you can hit the ground running. Xx

If having a child is just as important as having a family I would pursue that first with the ticking timebomb that is fertility in mind! At 37 you aren’t too old to conceive with donor sperm or you could look into adoption? Then you can take your time to look for the one! My friend is in a similar position, although a little younger, constantly dating to try and find a man to settle down and start a family with and finding it so draining.

Firstly can I say what others have said, it ain't over till it's over.

Recently a friend told me about a mutual who had never had a boyfriend at all during our 20s and early 30s. She met someone in her late 30s, they married and had twins soon after.

The point is, her husband isn't the type she always thought she wanted. He's a farmer not a dashing young lawyer but they have a lovely life. By all accounts they are very happy.

My DH is also different to my previous 'type' but we have a warm and supportive relationship and it works.

At the moment you have an image of the DH and life that you think you want. But it's not the only way. It's possible that you would be just as happy living a different life with a different type of man.

You say that finding a man to have a family with "isn't going to happen now". But how would you react if I said: "Go on 200 dates and it's inevitable you'll meet the man of your dreams."

Would you go on those 200 dates if your dream result was guaranteed?

While not everything in life is guaranteed, if you DO go on 200 dates you have the percentages on your side that you will meet the man of your dreams. So what's stopping you?

Hi OP. I feel that you have accepted defeat that it is over but there are still so many options and life still ahead for you.

In 2015 when I was 36 I left my husband suddenly and was homeless and £20k in debt. I had to sort out renting a room with a terrible credit rating and pick up again.

But I refused to think life was over. Gave myself small targets and worked towards them. Find a room, get my debt down, do things for me, go dating.

Maybe I was lucky but I met someone and I think with age behind me I had more confidence that said this relationship is great and let's move forward. 20 months after meeting we were living together and starting a family.

So please don't write off your chances now as you could be missing out on so much

I'm sorry you're felling this way OP, but with how many threads there are on here from women who settled for men who don't respect or value them, don't fulfil them, don't care about raising their children, etc. I honestly don't think I could ever advise someone to settle. Being in an unhappy relationship is much more lonesome than being alone ime

And in many of those cases the mother is a single mother anyway, she just has a man living in the house. Don't regret not settling, you deserve nothing less than someone who makes you happy and ultimately fulfils you. You're not too old for children to happen, please don't rule it out or despair

Consider motherhood on your own. Two friends of mine have done this and are very happy. One through adoption as a single parent and one using donor sperm.

I met someone when I was 39 and had two children at age 43 and 44. So it is possible, but you need to not be fixated on this being your one goal in life.

Consider:

Having a child on your own
Then you won't constantly be looking at everyone as a potential sperm donor
Look outwards at what you can do for others.
Volunteer, volunteer , volunteer.
Self pitying self absorption is not an attractive look. Someone will like you for what you are if you are....
Interesting
Easy going,
A good laugh,
Kind
Good at spelling
....alright not that last one, but try and relax, stop looking and build the life you would like on your own and you will find others keen to share it.

I feel for you. It might be worse at night because I wouldn't be surprised if your brain chemicals change throughout the day.

I'm most likely going to end my relationship in the next year. I don't see things improving. I'm in my mid-thirtees and can't believe how shit my life is right now. I feel my chance of having a house and children have been dashed along with finding a guy without significant baggage or children that will always be put before me (and quite rightly). I don't own a house, have no pets, no children, and now no job because of Covid.

Do you have many close friends? What's your relationship with your family like?