Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

[realist252]

My boyfriend of 18 months and I see each other twice a week, usually on a Wednesday evening and over the weekend. If, for whatever reason, i am not able to do a Wednesday, I let him know in advance so we can arrange another day because I want to see him and he is a priority for me. He, however, does not do the same.

As I was leaving his on Sunday, he told me he couldn't do Wednesday this week because he had made plans and suggested doing another day instead. I deliberately keep Wednesdays free for him and had plans every other evening this week so felt a bit put out by this as he obviously hadn't considered the fact that he wouldn't be able to see me when making his Wednesday plans with someone else. He even suggested that I rearrange my plans so that I can see him tomorrow rather than Wednesday. Errr why should I rearrange MY plans when he's the one who has messed up? It should be him rearranging his plans!

However, I have actually rearranged my plans so I can see him tomorrow purely so that I can talk to him about this as I didn't want to wait until the weekend to have the conversation (he doesn't know that yet). As I was rearranging my plans so that I could see him as he suggested, he said that he felt bad and that he'd just see me at the weekend which has made me feel like he doesn't really want to see me during the week anyway. However, my plans have now been rearranged and he is coming over, so I will be having a conversation with him.

The way he has behaved and not considered me makes feel like I'm not a priority or important to him, and that he couldn't really care less whether he sees me or not. If it's convenient for him - great, if not never mind. That's how it seems to me after Sunday anyway.

He has done this before and rearranged his Wednesday plans when it has transpired that I haven't been able to do another day during the week - so perhaps it is not the case that I am not a priority for him and that he just couldn't rearrange these plans - but I don't understand why he keeps doing it (it's not all that frequent but I do find it frustrating). I find it thoughtless and inconsiderate. Surely as soon as he makes plans for a Weds he should think 'that's that day I see realist252, I'd better let her know so we can arrange another evening to meet that week' - that's how the thought process goes in my head anyway. He doesn't do that, so it makes me feel like I am an afterthought.

I have never not felt like a priority before this happened on Sunday so perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion - I do have a tendency to do that.

Any thoughts?

I think I'm missing something here. From what I read, you always have alternative plans every other night of the week. For this week he can't do Wednesday. Therefore it's you that is the problem and not him.

@12309845653ghydrvj

Hi OP—me again, I’m on the first page and you responded to me there 😊

Something I saw a few years back on tv really stuck with me, and I think is a really helpful way to frame this: I think it was Dr Phil or something (😂) and is a bit dated as an example, but basically:

He asked the audience of women if they would have a postage stamp he could borrow. Half the audience pulled a pack out of their purse, thought “who wouldn’t have one instantly available??” And the other half said “what kind of person has these just permanently on them?”

You are a stamp carrier! So am I 😂 I would never cancel plans that are already in the diary, or be late, or not have everything prepped for a situation. But at least half the population consider a plan in the diary to be something that could be moved, and wouldn’t stress if you did it. Or would just casually message to say they’re late, and wouldn’t think anything of it.

Thank you for this, it made me smile! Such a great analogy and I agree, we just think about things differently. I notice this about other people too, I think I just need to accept that we have different ways of doing things and not take it personally

@User43210

I'm usually the first person to blow things out of proportion but I think that on this occasion, I would struggle.

It's not set in stone, you've changed it before, so it's not "taboo" to change the day. He did give you a little notice, would have probably hoped for you to have at least one day free and would have happily swapped for that day. He also doesn't do it often and usually rearranges to see you.

I think let him know you got upset, that you know you're being a bit unreasonable but you just wanted him to know, so maybe he could consider a little more notice in future.

But enjoy your time with him, sounds like you could have a good thing going on!

Thank you, I think we do have a good thing going on but I am quite an anxious person which has been heightened by other issues atm and in these instances I find myself on 'high alert' for any signs that he may not be committed to the relationship so that I can end it before he hurts me I think this is what is happening here.

I took everyone's advice into account and I have acknowledged that I probably was being unreasonable and just mentioned it in passing. I think I need to wait until this period of anxiety for me ends and look at the situation again - I may feel differently then.

I certainly wouldn't rearrange other plans if he's made plans on the day you normally see him. I know you're feeling anxious, but I think that comes across as needy. Better to back off a bit.

How much advance notice of Wednesday plans do you need @realist252 ?

He gave you 3 days - you probably need to discuss expectations as they're mismatched

I find myself on 'high alert' for any signs that he may not be committed to the relationship so that I can end it before he hurts me I think this is what is happening here

I understand , but this is not a healthy way to be in a relationship . It’s almost like you are looking for excuses to tell yourself he’s not right for you because ...xyz just di you can get the dumping in first .This isn’t fair , and it’s very likely he will end up giving up and leaving you to it .
Stop looking for red flags and just try and relax a bit

@rachielou10 I'm such an anxious person too, believe me. I would probably have gotten annoyed in that instance, as well. But from an outsider's perspective it certainly doesn't mean you're not a priority. It just means that's the one day of the week he booked other plans.

Glad you mentioned it but didn't dwell on it to him. He should be a bit more considerate and warn you next time if he knows it upsets you and you haven't had to fall out over it.

Best of luck in your relationship!!

[quote User43210]@rachielou10 I'm such an anxious person too, believe me. I would probably have gotten annoyed in that instance, as well. But from an outsider's perspective it certainly doesn't mean you're not a priority. It just means that's the one day of the week he booked other plans.

Glad you mentioned it but didn't dwell on it to him. He should be a bit more considerate and warn you next time if he knows it upsets you and you haven't had to fall out over it.

Best of luck in your relationship!! [/quote]
Sorry this was meant for @realist252