Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

[realist252]

My boyfriend of 18 months and I see each other twice a week, usually on a Wednesday evening and over the weekend. If, for whatever reason, i am not able to do a Wednesday, I let him know in advance so we can arrange another day because I want to see him and he is a priority for me. He, however, does not do the same.

As I was leaving his on Sunday, he told me he couldn't do Wednesday this week because he had made plans and suggested doing another day instead. I deliberately keep Wednesdays free for him and had plans every other evening this week so felt a bit put out by this as he obviously hadn't considered the fact that he wouldn't be able to see me when making his Wednesday plans with someone else. He even suggested that I rearrange my plans so that I can see him tomorrow rather than Wednesday. Errr why should I rearrange MY plans when he's the one who has messed up? It should be him rearranging his plans!

However, I have actually rearranged my plans so I can see him tomorrow purely so that I can talk to him about this as I didn't want to wait until the weekend to have the conversation (he doesn't know that yet). As I was rearranging my plans so that I could see him as he suggested, he said that he felt bad and that he'd just see me at the weekend which has made me feel like he doesn't really want to see me during the week anyway. However, my plans have now been rearranged and he is coming over, so I will be having a conversation with him.

The way he has behaved and not considered me makes feel like I'm not a priority or important to him, and that he couldn't really care less whether he sees me or not. If it's convenient for him - great, if not never mind. That's how it seems to me after Sunday anyway.

He has done this before and rearranged his Wednesday plans when it has transpired that I haven't been able to do another day during the week - so perhaps it is not the case that I am not a priority for him and that he just couldn't rearrange these plans - but I don't understand why he keeps doing it (it's not all that frequent but I do find it frustrating). I find it thoughtless and inconsiderate. Surely as soon as he makes plans for a Weds he should think 'that's that day I see realist252, I'd better let her know so we can arrange another evening to meet that week' - that's how the thought process goes in my head anyway. He doesn't do that, so it makes me feel like I am an afterthought.

I have never not felt like a priority before this happened on Sunday so perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion - I do have a tendency to do that.

Any thoughts?

I wouldn't make a big issue as you'll end up sounding a bit needy and inflexible, which means you can be a bit of a PITA

I'd be a bit breezy, just say no problem will see you at the weekend, (or could he even come to you after his night out)? Being rigid isn't really helpful or accommodating, being aloof (not mardy) and he'll be less likely to get the hump and also more likely to come running to find out why you don't want to see him mid week - 'sorry got plans, the weekend is fine' and you'll appear less needy, which isn't an attractive trait

It all sounds like a work appointment and very rigid. Don't you ever do anything spontaneous?

I'd relax, let it go.

You are definitely making a mountain out of a molehill and are being slightly weird about Wednesdays. Something else came up, maybe he didn’t have a choice in the day e.g. work dinner, somebody’s last minute birthday outing. He gave you plenty of notice, what do you need, a month? Your rigidity over Wednesdays is just the weirdest thing ever.

Blimey op you sound like hard work 🥺😳

Woah, chill out. So he has plans one Wednesday, it may be unavoidable ie friends birthday. Its not like he sprung it on you the day before.

I'll probably be lambasted here for 'game-playing' but here goes ..

There's no point having a discussion about this. Of course there's a time and a place for a discussion like if he'd done something wrong or did this often or gave you no notice, but this isn't it and you'll just appear needy and he'll feel hemmed in.

You need to pull back a little (time wise) and see how he responds. Be nice about it, but be unavailable on a Wednesday or even a weekend, don't be quite so accommodating, but whatever you do, do not mention to him you are doing this on purpose. Just say something like oh I'm sorry, I can't I've got 'xyz' on, that's a shame I really wanted to see each other.

The way he reacts will show you a lot about how he feels about you. If you are just a convenience it won't bother him. If you aren't then he will sense and make more effort.

I know it's difficult if we want to talk about things all the time, even quite minor things, but trust me - unless he's being actually disrespectful or hurtful - pick your battles, especially this relatively early on.

Agree with PP, pull away a bit. Do more for yourself and distract yourself from this. Act like you’re not bothered about seeing him ( by genuinely making plans to do things that make you happy/improve your life - even if it’s just painting your toenails or cleaning out your sock drawer - don’t tell him the minutae though). Stay mysterious / intriguing.

Eg my friend went to visit her mum who was staying in a town near us for the weekend. She told her BF, she was having a weekend in X town. That was all. All she did was sit around and drink tea, eat cake and chat with her mum and her mum’s 70 year old friends! Answered his texts, but kept it short and factual as she was distracted by the nice time she was having.

BF didn’t know this and was very keen to catch up the next week. He was so worried she had had a great time without needing him

Give your BF some FOMO by investing your time in other ways and soon he’ll come running when he thinks your priorities are elsewhere. Then HE will want to talk about it with you.

Then you can decide - if this the guy you want? Is he worth it?

I think I will just make the point that going forward I would like more notice and leave it at that

I am in the position of the BF in a similar situation and was thinking of posting my own thread as I am feeling a bit “hemmed in” for want of a better phrase.

This thread has made me feel like I’m not so unreasonable as he makes me feel.

Just because he is a bit disorganised (like me) doesn’t like him disrespectful or that he is not committed to the relationship.

Gosh - I’d say you’re overthinking this. You sound quite inflexible.He’s given you notice, just not as much as you’d like.

I’d agree with other PPs. Try to relax a bit.

Mountain out of a molehill yes.

So you meet every weekend and also every Wednesday you’re both free. Sounds fine.

I would just be unavailable on other nights if you want to keep to Wednesdays, the penny will drop after a while

Do you do a paid activity together each Wednesday, is that why there’s little flexibility around nights?

Most people utilise a little flexibility in their lives to accommodate different things that happen.

You do seem very rigid and Inflexible I wonder if he’s just a more flexible and go with the flow. If so this has no impact on how committed he is.

What if he didnt have a weeks notice for the upcoming wednesday plans?

Say if on a monday he gets a call from his old mate Bill, who moved away and now lives in australia, but is back for a few days, is in the area and has a few hours to catch up on wednesday. Would you expect him to say, 'no Bill, thats the night i see my girlfriend, ill have to catch up with you next year...' Or would you expect him to say 'yeah that would be great, not seen you in forever!' And then let you know that your wednesday with hom would need to be rescheduled?

Obviously above is a made up situation but if hes only done it twice (?) In 18 months i imagine its not minor plans hes cancelling for.

I have my own life too - should I just sit around and keep my evenings free on the offchance he can't do a Wednesday? My week wouldn't have been packed if he had told me in advance.

He did tell you in advance, he told you 3 days before . Does everything have to be set in stone for you? No leeway at all? You sound quite controlling.

Hi @realist252
This happened a few times with me while my partner and I had a long distance relationship. He would commit himself to different things weekend after weekend, pushing the weekend he was meant to spend with me further and further back, where as I would always make sure to plan around him as we obviously didn’t see each other very often.

After a pretty frank conversation about what he prioritise in life it sorted itself out and he stepped up.

Some people don't prioritise relationships in their life, and that is fine, but you deserve to know if he is one of these people so you can decide if you want to be with him.

My bet is that he just didn't think about it at the time and after a chat with him you'll feel he understands more.
You don't deserve to feel like an afterthought at all, but he won't know you feel like that until you've spoken to him.

It could be a friend he doesn't see often, who can only make this Wednesday. Nothing wrong with him doing that.

It's not like he isn't letting you know and is doing it at the last minute or anything.

You do sound quite intense and prescriptive OP, he may just be more chilled out than you rather than him being the type who thinks his time is more valuable than yours.

You're 18 months in living an hour apart and doing a one weekday, plus weekend thing as a set in stone plan - maybe it's time to take a step together and talk about moving in together, see if you're on the same page about that - are you thinking in 6 months? 12 months? Or is it not something you / he want?

I think it's probably about the right time for a conversation like that about the future because it's so prescriptive at the moment that agreements, set rules and logistics are taking the fun out of things I imagine.

When you have such a regimented pattern of seeing each other (twice a week on specific days), I think any little deviation from the norm can seem overly meaningful. It is a pity he didn’t try to rearrange. Would you like to see him more? Is there a bigger issue in that you want your lives to be more integrated at this point? I think at the 18 month mark, if you’re not spending more than two days a week together, it does look like more of a casual thing because that allows you to keep your lives quite separate. It’s understandable you’d want more really.

Hi OP—me again, I’m on the first page and you responded to me there 😊

Something I saw a few years back on tv really stuck with me, and I think is a really helpful way to frame this: I think it was Dr Phil or something (😂) and is a bit dated as an example, but basically:

He asked the audience of women if they would have a postage stamp he could borrow. Half the audience pulled a pack out of their purse, thought “who wouldn’t have one instantly available??” And the other half said “what kind of person has these just permanently on them?”

You are a stamp carrier! So am I 😂 I would never cancel plans that are already in the diary, or be late, or not have everything prepped for a situation. But at least half the population consider a plan in the diary to be something that could be moved, and wouldn’t stress if you did it. Or would just casually message to say they’re late, and wouldn’t think anything of it.

REALLY do not take it as any evidence of how he feels about the relationship. I can guarantee you he will be genuinely confused!!! And as the replies here suggest, a lot of people would feel the same!

It's good to be flexible and not think of seeing each other as a duty.

I would just tell him that you miss him on the weeks you can't see each other as planned so if possible to give each other as much notice as possible so the other can change plans.

That way, you're gently bringing it up but in a nice way and not in a way that would make him feel hemmed in.

Why do you have to meet on a weds? Is itna club you go to or childcare that means you can't see each other on a different week day?

I get what you are saying OP - it's not so much cancelling the occasional Wednesday that's the issue, but he should let you know straight away so you might be able to arrange a different night together instead.
Def pull back a bit, be less available and his reaction will tell you what you need to know.

I agree with the majority. I think you’re overreacting and that you need to relax.

Please ignore those who advised you to end things because you’re not a priority - there’s absolutely no evidence for that and you could be ditching a good man for no reason.

I'm usually the first person to blow things out of proportion but I think that on this occasion, I would struggle.

It's not set in stone, you've changed it before, so it's not "taboo" to change the day. He did give you a little notice, would have probably hoped for you to have at least one day free and would have happily swapped for that day. He also doesn't do it often and usually rearranges to see you.

I think let him know you got upset, that you know you're being a bit unreasonable but you just wanted him to know, so maybe he could consider a little more notice in future.

But enjoy your time with him, sounds like you could have a good thing going on!