I feel like my marriage has no future, or I have no future because of it

[Oona1981]

Hi,

I have read so many threads on this website over the last few years and I have scrolled the interest looking to figure out why I have such doubt about my marriage and whether my doubt is reasonable at all or whether I have become a crazy person since I married.

I've been married for five years and I have two small kids. My husband is a kind man and I married him because I reckoned kindness was the most important thing. He is handsome and really such a good person. But since I married I feel like the world I knew or saw as a world of possibilities is over and this life is going to be the same forever.

On the outside we have everything, two wonderful kids, a nice family home and a steady income. There are helath complications which I won't go into but they make life a bit hard and have caused a strain over the years.

But these aside, I have doubts about my marriage for really the last 4 years out of 5 and sometimes I wonder how I married at all.

We have no connection. Save for the admin of life and going through the motions. My husbadn doesn't seem to have any dreams or desires from life. He isn't curious about the world, or me really. He doesn't really have a lot to say about anything, a sort of steady as she goes and lets get through life. I think its making me depressed and lose hope for the life ahead of me. All the big decisions in the house are thought out and made by me. A lot of the life, spark and energy in the house has to be made by me. When we met I thought wow we are so on the same page, we're different but we seem to want the same. Or at least I thought that was a the case, but it seems to have turned out the he just went along with me and agreed with me. I never saw that at the time for what it was. He is so good, but for some reason I feel like he drains me. Our marriage is funtcional and the magic and goodness seems to have evapoiurated. I wonder is it me, have I become depressed but I don't so. I do my own thing, I sort of now live in my own world but its really hard. I have two beautiful children and I don't think I've got the spark I had to be the Mum I thought I would be and I don't know how I can change it. I don't want to hurt him, he doesnt have a bad bone in his body. I don't want to destroy my kids lives, they're so happy in the home. But our marriage feels like a fake and as that is what underpins my life, my life feels like its fake.

We are going to marriage counselling. It's good that we get to air stuff, as otherwise nothing would be said by him. He sort of lacks the backbone to assert himself. I'm so ashamed to write that. The problem with the counselling is that its becoming obvious to me that this is a personality issues and that fundamentally there are things you cannot change about a person. I feel so guilty for feeling this way.

Please someone help me with this. I feel so alone trying to figure this out. Am I crazy, are my expectations out of whack. Surely life is for living and not just going through the motions with a spouse who is like a helpful and obliging island.

THANK YOU

Just to add, as I have read a few other posts that are similar.

We never laugh together. I think my son desperately tries to make us laugh. I love a laugh and I really miss conversation and laughing. Not that I expect it all the time.

I think I've recently become distant myself as I have lost hope and I am unintentionally keeping him at a distance. It's like I've lost faith in it all and I don't know how to change it.

I read your post and couldn’t help notice the similarities in my own relationship.

My husband is also very kind and obliging. I misinterpreted this in the beginning and didn’t notice that the energy he displayed was actually agreement.

I often fantasise about a more exciting life and I endlessly mull this over but I have a couple of thing that stop me ending it.

Firstly, I have a child from a previous marriage and ‘blending’ families is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.

I would not be prepared to meet somebody new and introduce them into my children’s life, especially now that I have two more young children.

I have been a single parent before and I found it horrifically lonely. I have good friends which did help but overall only a distraction.

So when I weigh up whether leaving is the right thing to do, I always ask myself if I am ready to leave my marriage and face being a single parent for the foreseeable and would this make me happier?

I’m not certain that one day the answer will still be no but for now I know that my children and I would not be happier in a single parent household.

On a side note, I sometimes fantasise about having an affair. I hate to admit that and I absolutely wouldn’t but sometimes I just need that escapism.

I been where you are OP. This relationship will drain you of your free spirited soul.
I am very similar to you in personality. I used to have a very people oriented job, whereby I would meet people from all walks of life. I loved connecting and conversating about all manner of things, but particularly liked those willing to dig deep and be philisophical and thought provoking. I love to travel and see new things, cram as much knowledge and experience in before I die.
I managed to connect better in half an hour with people at work than years with my ex. He just sened to lack that depth.
I would try and start a thought provoking conversation and he would contribute the bare minimum in agreement. At first I thought the lack of interest and communication was to do with my worth as a person. I started to doubt whether perhaps I was boring. I'd been told so many times by other people that I was interesting and that they were so pleased they'd met me. I'd go home to him and feel that I wasn't worth the effort and I lost a lot of confidence and began yo drink quite heavily as I felt so lonely and insecure.
I was a shell of my former bubbly, curious self, as I ended up trying to bring myself down to his level. And bring me down it did, it left me feeling empty, lonely, bored and resentful. Anytime I brought it up I was told this was our life with kids and I should appreciate it. That when we were older we could go off and see other places. I'd we went out for dinner, I would start conversations about life, people, politics and he would feebly comment on the building next door. I was early thirties and was that couple who ended up sat in silence, stabbing their steaks in resentment.
I stayed like this for a while but eventually decided to start doing my own thing. He just couldn't keep up with me. He didn't want to. He wanted an easy life and I was the naggy Bitch that prevented him from having that. It very nearly killed my passion for life, in some ways the damage is irreversible as I now second guess myself about things I never would have before I met him. I should be taken hers on our first date when it was like getting blood out of a stone and I ended up watching the cars go by.
Get out now, this will kill your spirit in the most painful way possible and that would be such a shame.

What you are describing OP is quite typical. I have seen it a lot in the friends around me, but possibly a little later in the marriage cycle.
Most around me seem to be quite busy with the small kids and don’t have time/energy for the thoughts of ‘is that all what life is’...

The at I see it - it’s a mix of midlife crisis that women also get; and some unrealistic expectations of the marriage that the society seems to have developed. People seem to expect their spouse to be their all and fulfil their all needs - emotional, financial, companionship, friendship, entertainment, excitement, sexual... It’s a lot of pressure to find that one person who can be it all. And mostly - no one is.
Ester Perel writes about it quite well, and it really resonated with me when I first saw it.

So - obviously it’s your life and you only get to live once. And of course you can and should make your choices. But don’t just act on some general sense of mild life dissatisfaction, and expectation that your happiness has to come externally, from your partner.
It may be that you and him have different temperament and and aren’t equally curios about new experiences and doing things. However - why is it that you feel that you have to do that with him? It’s quite healthy in relationships to have own hobbies and interests.

In general - I’d say all relationships change with time. All have positives and negatives. Obviously - if negatives (times you are unhappy) outweigh the positives - it’s time to make a change. But then again - think about what life would be as a single mother, or as a dating single mother, or as a potentially a blended family.
Only you will know how these various considerations come out in relation to your life.

As a separate note - in your place I’d also have some counselling on my own. Just to really understand what you are feeling and why.
Currently you seem to think all the issues in your life is because your H is this or that way. And I think some self reflection can also be useful.

There are a few things in your posts that might be worth further exploration. It seems to me that you are the 'good' one, the spark, the free spirit, something out of a Carla Lane sitcom and he is the kind but boring drain on your energy, sucking all the life and happiness out of you like a beige vampire.

I would check out the Karpman Drama Triangle and see if there's any resonance and then I would put the focus back on myself and see where that gets me. It's very common for people to divorce because of their shattered expectations, only to find themselves in yet another suburban set up repeating the same pattern.

Part of the reason for that is because they think other people are responsible for their happiness. They're not, you are. Your husband isn't responsible for your 'meh' feelings. Couple's counselling seems to be focused on him, like you're just sitting there, inwardly rolling your eyes at every boring sentence he utters. He's not a cymbal clapping monkey, there to keep you entertained.

I also recommend counselling for yourself before you give up on the marriage.

@Tiny2018 oh my god. You have summed up so perfectly what i am going through.

@username501

There are a few things in your posts that might be worth further exploration. It seems to me that you are the 'good' one, the spark, the free spirit, something out of a Carla Lane sitcom and he is the kind but boring drain on your energy, sucking all the life and happiness out of you like a beige vampire.

I would check out the Karpman Drama Triangle and see if there's any resonance and then I would put the focus back on myself and see where that gets me. It's very common for people to divorce because of their shattered expectations, only to find themselves in yet another suburban set up repeating the same pattern.

Part of the reason for that is because they think other people are responsible for their happiness. They're not, you are. Your husband isn't responsible for your 'meh' feelings. Couple's counselling seems to be focused on him, like you're just sitting there, inwardly rolling your eyes at every boring sentence he utters. He's not a cymbal clapping monkey, there to keep you entertained.

I also recommend counselling for yourself before you give up on the marriage.

Exactly this.

OP from your posts, you've shifted all the negative onto him and portrayed yourself as the 'good' one. Being a kind, lovely man is worth its weight in gold, especially considering the types of men out there. Easy to take for granted what we already have. SO many people would kill for your situation to have a "helpful and obliging" husband.

If the main issue is boredom, to be honest you're making a mountain out of a mole hill and it's completely nuts to end your marriage and permanently break up your children's home because of it.

Even if you don't fancy yourself to be boring, you will have your own negative characteristics that he is putting up with. On top of that, one person's "boredom" is another person's interest.

This weird modern notion that a spouse is a product or a machine to provide entertainment at all times throughout the entire lifetime of a marriage, rather than a human being, causes no end of unnecessary unhappiness. In the kindest possible way, give yourself a shake, be grateful for what you have in your life already, and get on with finding fulfilling and entertaining things for yourself to do!

You're also at a stage where child rearing is very time consuming, and can take over a relationship. Things are very likely to improve in their own time, and taking regular time now to do things with him independently of the children will also help.

Just re read your post, including not having the spark for kids bit. Sounds like you're making your husband the scapegoat of your own issues and disappointments to be honest. Perhaps your relationship with him previously offered a distraction from your own internal issues but now it's no longer offering this distraction so you're now projecting your problems and unhappiness onto him. You may find unfairly blaming him will actually create problems in your relationship that weren't there in first place.

Rather than couples counselling, you should go for counselling on your own to work out the root cause of your issues and your boredom. It's possible that some of your own issues are also related to your childhood.

Hmm,. I agree you see him as the issue when in fact you’re bored, unfulfilled and the relationship is effectively over. You don’t have to stay with him because he’s nice for goodness sake.

You need to make a decision. It’s only going to get worse till resentment feeds in. A divorce does mot ruin a child’s life, not if the parents are aMicable. Better two happy parents than one unhappy and the other going along with it

Move on, maybe you can co parent well and find people you’re more compatible with

Actually I would agree if you’ve lost the spark for parent hood as well maybe this is more about your unhappiness with your life, it’s not actually about your family

Do you work? Have an independent social life?

I don't agree that OP has painted her OH as the bad one and herself as the good one.
OP I think you've fallen out of love.
Or perhaps you are depressed.
Either way you sound lonely in your marriage.

He sounds like a good egg but you're not feeling it.
Wrt not feeling spark as a mum, I can empathise. I am a single mum. It often feels like a lot of grind even if I wouldn't have it any other way. It's exhausting, "spark" as a mum is lacking here too.

@Seagrassorchid

I read your post and couldn’t help notice the similarities in my own relationship.

My husband is also very kind and obliging. I misinterpreted this in the beginning and didn’t notice that the energy he displayed was actually agreement.

I often fantasise about a more exciting life and I endlessly mull this over but I have a couple of thing that stop me ending it.

Firstly, I have a child from a previous marriage and ‘blending’ families is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.

I would not be prepared to meet somebody new and introduce them into my children’s life, especially now that I have two more young children.

I have been a single parent before and I found it horrifically lonely. I have good friends which did help but overall only a distraction.

So when I weigh up whether leaving is the right thing to do, I always ask myself if I am ready to leave my marriage and face being a single parent for the foreseeable and would this make me happier?

I’m not certain that one day the answer will still be no but for now I know that my children and I would not be happier in a single parent household.

On a side note, I sometimes fantasise about having an affair. I hate to admit that and I absolutely wouldn’t but sometimes I just need that escapism.

Thank you for your response. You are right my children would not be happier in a single parent household. That is what is keeping me here. Funny the affair thing doesn't appeal to me at all, I would be too warped with guilt if I went that way.

"I misinterpreted this in the beginning and didn’t notice that the energy he displayed was actually agreement." - This is it in a nutshell. There is zero traction. He just does what he is told, and when I say that he wants to be told. I want a partner.

@Tiny2018

I been where you are OP. This relationship will drain you of your free spirited soul. I am very similar to you in personality. I used to have a very people oriented job, whereby I would meet people from all walks of life. I loved connecting and conversating about all manner of things, but particularly liked those willing to dig deep and be philisophical and thought provoking. I love to travel and see new things, cram as much knowledge and experience in before I die. I managed to connect better in half an hour with people at work than years with my ex. He just sened to lack that depth. I would try and start a thought provoking conversation and he would contribute the bare minimum in agreement. At first I thought the lack of interest and communication was to do with my worth as a person. I started to doubt whether perhaps I was boring. I'd been told so many times by other people that I was interesting and that they were so pleased they'd met me. I'd go home to him and feel that I wasn't worth the effort and I lost a lot of confidence and began yo drink quite heavily as I felt so lonely and insecure. I was a shell of my former bubbly, curious self, as I ended up trying to bring myself down to his level. And bring me down it did, it left me feeling empty, lonely, bored and resentful. Anytime I brought it up I was told this was our life with kids and I should appreciate it. That when we were older we could go off and see other places. I'd we went out for dinner, I would start conversations about life, people, politics and he would feebly comment on the building next door. I was early thirties and was that couple who ended up sat in silence, stabbing their steaks in resentment. I stayed like this for a while but eventually decided to start doing my own thing. He just couldn't keep up with me. He didn't want to. He wanted an easy life and I was the naggy Bitch that prevented him from having that. It very nearly killed my passion for life, in some ways the damage is irreversible as I now second guess myself about things I never would have before I met him. I should be taken hers on our first date when it was like getting blood out of a stone and I ended up watching the cars go by. Get out now, this will kill your spirit in the most painful way possible and that would be such a shame.

Thanks to you too for responding to me. It's funny its just not something you can discuss with people you know as effectively you are short selling him and as much as I am unhappy and certain (important) needs are not being met - I couldn't set out and speak badly of him or in a derogatory way.

So I guess yes I am free spirited. And he isn't at all. I knew he was more conservative and steady, but I didn't realise it was to such an extent, I think we would balance eachother out. But the thing is it is a general approach to life. How can two people build a life if you see the world in such different (or polar) opposite ways. He wants to go through the motions and and of course I want to do things right but I want the magic in life occasionally, or at least a chat or a giggle every now and then to sustain us. The lack of this is driving us apart.

Like you say I can feel more of a connection with more people but the more we get to know each other the lack of connection becomes glaringly obvious. But in saying all of that his intentions are good but we are just worlds apart and like he just cannot connection, like he doesn't have the lever. I get energy from chatting to people, I also like quiet time but it is bringing me down. Everything is literal and practical (which has value I know) but its life an entire layer of life is just gone. A layer I thought my children would grow up in. Are you guys still together?

@MMmomDD

What you are describing OP is quite typical. I have seen it a lot in the friends around me, but possibly a little later in the marriage cycle. Most around me seem to be quite busy with the small kids and don’t have time/energy for the thoughts of ‘is that all what life is’...

The at I see it - it’s a mix of midlife crisis that women also get; and some unrealistic expectations of the marriage that the society seems to have developed. People seem to expect their spouse to be their all and fulfil their all needs - emotional, financial, companionship, friendship, entertainment, excitement, sexual... It’s a lot of pressure to find that one person who can be it all. And mostly - no one is.
Ester Perel writes about it quite well, and it really resonated with me when I first saw it.

So - obviously it’s your life and you only get to live once. And of course you can and should make your choices. But don’t just act on some general sense of mild life dissatisfaction, and expectation that your happiness has to come externally, from your partner.
It may be that you and him have different temperament and and aren’t equally curios about new experiences and doing things. However - why is it that you feel that you have to do that with him? It’s quite healthy in relationships to have own hobbies and interests.

In general - I’d say all relationships change with time. All have positives and negatives. Obviously - if negatives (times you are unhappy) outweigh the positives - it’s time to make a change. But then again - think about what life would be as a single mother, or as a dating single mother, or as a potentially a blended family.
Only you will know how these various considerations come out in relation to your life.

As a separate note - in your place I’d also have some counselling on my own. Just to really understand what you are feeling and why.
Currently you seem to think all the issues in your life is because your H is this or that way. And I think some self reflection can also be useful.

Hey thanks. That is what it feels like, we aren't worn out late 30's - I feel like we are beyond middled aged and something in me tells me it was stay like this. I cannot seem to shake it up at all and I know he is just happy (albeit inexpressively so) with things as they are in a general sense, if they are good or bad. I totally hear you in respect of expecting so much from one person. But I seem to have cut my life line for the things I love the most. People and a person and being interested and wanting to share something instead of living in parallel, what is the point of marraige then?

I know I have to be happy within myself. I of course have baggage like the next person and I am only too aware of it. But I am open about it and chat about that even, that's life. I am very curious about life, that and my desire to engage with people is I figure where I get my energy and passion to live, and I mean in a day to day way. I don't expect fireworks. I guess I feel like at what at least some of it with him. Not live in a planet flat with him and constantly have to outside my home to feel alive.

I dread the thoughts or harming our kids in any way. But surely seeing two parents stumble along obliging eachother and being polite isn't enough. My own parents were far from perfect but you could see the love. I don't think there was any in his parents marraige and so its normal for him. To functionally co-exist and simply get through it.

I go to counselling. About a year after we married I felt so insecure and was riddled with self doubt t such a degree I though I was losing it. I questioned it all so much that I thought I must have a problem. And yes like I said I have my issues, I know them and I am so open about them but also I'm okay with them. I know I am probably so hard to live with sometimes but isnt everyone. I just want a pulse in my marraige thats all. It feel like it just flatlines along.

God I sound like such a miserable person! I'm not I promise!!

@LilyWater

Just re read your post, including not having the spark for kids bit. Sounds like you're making your husband the scapegoat of your own issues and disappointments to be honest. Perhaps your relationship with him previously offered a distraction from your own internal issues but now it's no longer offering this distraction so you're now projecting your problems and unhappiness onto him. You may find unfairly blaming him will actually create problems in your relationship that weren't there in first place.

Rather than couples counselling, you should go for counselling on your own to work out the root cause of your issues and your boredom. It's possible that some of your own issues are also related to your childhood.

Hey thanks Lilywater I appreciate the comments. Like I said in my previous comment I do go to counselling. I have been through so much shit in my life a lot of helping others. My parents tirelessly for 20 year and my husband for health reasons. I have bent over backwards to do right by him. But really is it too much to ask to have someone who will occasionally give you a comforting hug and make you laugh. I have fun with others elsewhere and feel energy and part of the world. But with him, as much as I do care about him, he is lovely man who has his own needs, which don't seem to run that deep. I'm a good mum, a put so much effort into our home to make it as warm and comfortable as I can, I work hard, I have good friends. Its just I didn't expect my marraige to be the shallowest part of my life.

@Bluntness100

Hmm,. I agree you see him as the issue when in fact you’re bored, unfulfilled and the relationship is effectively over. You don’t have to stay with him because he’s nice for goodness sake.

You need to make a decision. It’s only going to get worse till resentment feeds in. A divorce does mot ruin a child’s life, not if the parents are aMicable. Better two happy parents than one unhappy and the other going along with it

Move on, maybe you can co parent well and find people you’re more compatible with

I do need to make a decision. I thought or I hoped everything I felt was a phase and it would pass and we'd work through it - but it's not going anywhere. So yeah that why I'm here cause I can't figure out how ot move along with a decision. I can't bear taking his kids away from him.

@Bluntness100

Actually I would agree if you’ve lost the spark for parent hood as well maybe this is more about your unhappiness with your life, it’s not actually about your family

Do you work? Have an independent social life?

Thanks - I don't think I've lost my spark with them. I just thought we could share bit of spark with them. That there would be a bit of a sense of togetherness.

Yeah I work. I enjoy it. We are on a fairly equal footing my husband and I in that sense. I have tried to be as flexible for the the kids and the household over the last few years, I worked for myself, it was tough but it has worked out well. And re friend I have really good friends and love meeting new ones. I have on occaision pulled back from them as when the undercurrent of your life is so unsteady it makes you lose your sense of self a bit.

@IDontBelong

I don't agree that OP has painted her OH as the bad one and herself as the good one. OP I think you've fallen out of love. Or perhaps you are depressed. Either way you sound lonely in your marriage. He sounds like a good egg but you're not feeling it. Wrt not feeling spark as a mum, I can empathise. I am a single mum. It often feels like a lot of grind even if I wouldn't have it any other way. It's exhausting, "spark" as a mum is lacking here too.

And bingo - I think you are right.

I have fallen out of love and I think it happened so fast that I couldn't make sense of it. And I am gutted for me and him. I kind of can't believe it. We've been through some tough stuff that ripped the joy away pretty early and may be exposed some things that would otherwise take a while longer to notice. HE IS A REALLY GOOD EGG.

"a lot of grind even if I wouldn't have it any other way" - I can imagine it is such a hard grind - but I've never been afraid of that, but I can imagine its tough sometimes. May be I was just not cut for marraige and I got myself all wrong. Sometimes I am driving in the car with the kids in the back and its just me and its feels like the world is the right colour again.

I know it sounds like from this comment and all my others that the answer is obvious - but how do you break someones heart and hurt the kids.

Surely there are so many people in my position that make it work? Is it just developing tolerance and acceptance - I am just trying to weigh up the costs for everyone not just me.

How old are your children? I read somewhere that the first 5 years of parenthood are so challenging, this is the period where many marriages/partnerships fail. Life can be pretty relentless in those early years but can improve as your children grow and you can relax a bit as parents and as individuals.

OP, my marriage is similar and a lot of what you wrote has resonated with me.

I currently don't know if this is IT but I'm staying in it because he's a good egg, he will be a good dad, I'm mid-30s and we have a history of multiple baby loss, so getting out of the marriage now would be a bad idea. In a nutshell that's where I am.

My thoughts right now are that I'm the only person responsible for my own happiness. Is it DH that makes me unhappy? Or are there things in my life that are missing and my own attitude to life that has changed because of the difficult things that I've experienced in the last few years? My conclusion now seems to be that my lust for life is gone largely because of those difficulties and that perhaps the mixture of grief, anxiety, sadness, depression (maybe? - I'm not diagnosed) are the main reason. Which means that without DH, I wouldn't necessarily feel better.

I also think because he is a follower and he's passive, I feel run to the ground sometimes, as you say, everything is on me. But that's not new, I felt this way for years. Is it sufficient to divorce? Probably not. It is a reason to do stuff on your own, though. You don't always have to be a camel carrying him and dragging him up. Do things for you, and for you only.

It's also midlife crisis, definitely. I need variety in life and new experiences which I'm not getting much of unless I come up with an idea and arrange it all. Lockdown and this pandemic have exacerbated this feeling - be mindful of that.

To sum up, I think I have fallen out of love, but love is a complicated thing. It might return. I don't think DH is a bad man, but as you say we are different personalities. We can't change that. I think the key is to see how you complement each other, how his actions and behaviours build you up, including how they allow you to get this freedom and new experiences you crave on your own. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. And this is also a form of partnership that can work very well.

Having said that, if you're after a partner with a similar level of initiative and engagement to you then it's not him. Maybe in time you'll meet someone more suitable for you. But don't forget that what we imagine as our perfect match often isn't that, so I'd be cautious with running wild with that. It is true what they say, grass is always greener and all that.

If you're deeply unhappy and don't see the future working out, leave. If you're frustrated and bored, ask yourself why exactly you're feeling like this before making any decisions. Think if you'd actually be happier with someone more similar to you or if you'd be clashing.

In the kindest possible way, give yourself a shake, be grateful for what you have in your life already, and get on with finding fulfilling and entertaining things for yourself to do!

No no no no no! This isn’t the 1950’s!

I’m in a similar situation OP but I’m pregnant and we’ve only been together for two years. So it’s definitely not just pressure from having kids or boredom after many years together.... it’s incompatibility. I feel like I’m loosing myself in this relationship, he’s such a good person, kind, caring, stable and laid back but no matter how hard I try conversation always leads to dead ends, we sit in silence in restaurants (unless I talk it’s so so draining having to be the one keeping conversations going), hardly ever laugh together, he isn’t curious about life, never asks questions, talks about emotions / feelings / fears / dreams and isn’t curious about me as a person either. I love to learn and grow as a person and he is just happy plodding along never questioning or reflecting on anything in life. I think it comes down to emotional intelligence and I think my DP has very a low EQ whereas I would say emotional intelligence is probably one of my strongest points.

You’re not asking for much, connection is the very foundation of any relationship. No we shouldn’t be relying on someone else to make us happy and fulfil every part of our lives but our relationships should still be fulfilling. It feels so much like a rejection every time you try to connect with someone and they find a way to shut the connection down, it’s damaging. It’s also emotional unavailability. I’ve never had this issue in previous relationships or friendships but as he was such a kind stable person I thought it was something I could overlook or would just develop in time. I don’t have the answers for you OP as I also the same difficult decision to make soon but all I know is that the thought of this being it for the rest of my life fills me with dread... my soul needs more and I can’t ignore that.

I found this video really insightful ...

I think half of the issue are communication skills. If he was a better communicator then you would feel acknowledged and understood, whereas if he's silent it drives you away from him and gives rise to all the negative thoughts and emotions. I literally had to explain to my DH that what he does is selfish and leaves me to face all the mental load of life for myself and for him on my own. I felt misunderstood not acknowledged, not appreciated, often as I was the worrier and the exaggerating party. Partnership is about sharing experiences good and bad, and there was no proper sharing really. This to me proves that the meaning of partnership varies between people. I need him to meet my emotional needs and be an active participant there, express himself more and acknowledge my feelings and worries. He was always participating in a physical sense in everything we do, but to me this is nearly irrelevant. I would do the same with or without him but I feel happiest when I have the emotional support. Deep inside I think I am much better at planning and organising and generally I'm more into seeking new experiences, so actually does he have to be the same? Or would it annoy the hell out of me that things aren't done "my way"? Or don't go in "my direction"? I think the latter if I'm completely honest. This is where I'd be cautious with assessing compatibility. As I get older, I am beginning to understand that compatibility in a marriage has a different and deeper meaning to what I thought. Firstly, you need to identify what you really need. Secondly, you need to communicate that to him in a way he understands. You'll most likely find that your husband gets out of the way for his love of an easy life. He sounds like a classic conflict avoider and people pleaser too. My DH is exactly that, happy go lucky chap, problems will hopefully sort themselves out, he's breezing through life in a way which I thought was surfing on my wave. What I didn't understand when I felt this way was that his behaviour was aimed at allowing me to create this wave in the first place as his perception was that this was what I needed. He thinks I'm stronger than him, I am more driven, and he accepted that. I had to learn to see this from his perspective and appreciate him fir what he does, what he doesn't do and who he is. He had to learn to understand that I am not always that strong, driven person and that I need his arm in this relationship to talk about things openly. This took a very honest conversation about our feelings.

I am also pretty sure if your DH is as you've described, he isn't boring. He's probably quiet about the things that he's into or he put them to one side for some reason (why? Was it to accommodate you/kids?). Maybe it would be worth you exploring this so that you'll see he's an interesting person in his own right, just different to you. At the moment you're negative about him because the connection is missing. There is one magic advice to this - communicate, communicate, communicate. Then you'll understand what's most important to each of you and you'll compromise on other things. That to me is the key to a happy marriage and true compatibility.

Is it this?
"Friends".

xkcd.com/513/

Hello OP
I'm in a very similar relationship. On the surface life is 'perfect' my oh is soooo unbelievable kind, nice and generous. He is a great father and pitches in. Essentially we make quite a good team and function well together.....but! He let's life happen to him. He doesnt care about anything really. He has no ambition or desires. He seems so miserable all the time and just goes through the motions. We are not affectionate and I resent him so much 😬. Weve gone with out sex for 2 years before now and that is fine with him! Everything we've a achieved is because I drove it, suggested it, dreamed it, planned it. He went along with it. I feel like I could be any girl. Hes ended up with me but I could be anyone he is that passive. He refuses to get counselling. He wont go to the doctor. I dont know why I stay 😔. He is so nice and kind but it's horrible to be in a relationship where the other person doesnt care not even about themselves 😨