I feel like my marriage has no future, or I have no future because of it

[Oona1981]

Hi,

I have read so many threads on this website over the last few years and I have scrolled the interest looking to figure out why I have such doubt about my marriage and whether my doubt is reasonable at all or whether I have become a crazy person since I married.

I've been married for five years and I have two small kids. My husband is a kind man and I married him because I reckoned kindness was the most important thing. He is handsome and really such a good person. But since I married I feel like the world I knew or saw as a world of possibilities is over and this life is going to be the same forever.

On the outside we have everything, two wonderful kids, a nice family home and a steady income. There are helath complications which I won't go into but they make life a bit hard and have caused a strain over the years.

But these aside, I have doubts about my marriage for really the last 4 years out of 5 and sometimes I wonder how I married at all.

We have no connection. Save for the admin of life and going through the motions. My husbadn doesn't seem to have any dreams or desires from life. He isn't curious about the world, or me really. He doesn't really have a lot to say about anything, a sort of steady as she goes and lets get through life. I think its making me depressed and lose hope for the life ahead of me. All the big decisions in the house are thought out and made by me. A lot of the life, spark and energy in the house has to be made by me. When we met I thought wow we are so on the same page, we're different but we seem to want the same. Or at least I thought that was a the case, but it seems to have turned out the he just went along with me and agreed with me. I never saw that at the time for what it was. He is so good, but for some reason I feel like he drains me. Our marriage is funtcional and the magic and goodness seems to have evapoiurated. I wonder is it me, have I become depressed but I don't so. I do my own thing, I sort of now live in my own world but its really hard. I have two beautiful children and I don't think I've got the spark I had to be the Mum I thought I would be and I don't know how I can change it. I don't want to hurt him, he doesnt have a bad bone in his body. I don't want to destroy my kids lives, they're so happy in the home. But our marriage feels like a fake and as that is what underpins my life, my life feels like its fake.

We are going to marriage counselling. It's good that we get to air stuff, as otherwise nothing would be said by him. He sort of lacks the backbone to assert himself. I'm so ashamed to write that. The problem with the counselling is that its becoming obvious to me that this is a personality issues and that fundamentally there are things you cannot change about a person. I feel so guilty for feeling this way.

Please someone help me with this. I feel so alone trying to figure this out. Am I crazy, are my expectations out of whack. Surely life is for living and not just going through the motions with a spouse who is like a helpful and obliging island.

THANK YOU

My previous relationship was exactly like this, no oomph to him, no spark, no ambition, he’d happily stay indoors all day every day playing playstation and not much more! The annoying thing was I knew he was an intelligent man but like someone else said, the emotional intelligence was non existent, I think some people just cannot live like that, I knew I certainly couldn’t it made me depressed and miserable and I had to get out because I was a shell of my former self. Along with all that sex was non existent, and that made things even worse.. he just didn’t fancy it. I can now say in all honesty I am SO much happier.

@lotsofpotsandpans

*In the kindest possible way, give yourself a shake, be grateful for what you have in your life already, and get on with finding fulfilling and entertaining things for yourself to do!*

No no no no no! This isn’t the 1950’s!

I’m in a similar situation OP but I’m pregnant and we’ve only been together for two years. So it’s definitely not just pressure from having kids or boredom after many years together.... it’s incompatibility. I feel like I’m loosing myself in this relationship, he’s such a good person, kind, caring, stable and laid back but no matter how hard I try conversation always leads to dead ends, we sit in silence in restaurants (unless I talk it’s so so draining having to be the one keeping conversations going), hardly ever laugh together, he isn’t curious about life, never asks questions, talks about emotions / feelings / fears / dreams and isn’t curious about me as a person either. I love to learn and grow as a person and he is just happy plodding along never questioning or reflecting on anything in life. I think it comes down to emotional intelligence and I think my DP has very a low EQ whereas I would say emotional intelligence is probably one of my strongest points.

You’re not asking for much, connection is the very foundation of any relationship. No we shouldn’t be relying on someone else to make us happy and fulfil every part of our lives but our relationships should still be fulfilling. It feels so much like a rejection every time you try to connect with someone and they find a way to shut the connection down, it’s damaging. It’s also emotional unavailability. I’ve never had this issue in previous relationships or friendships but as he was such a kind stable person I thought it was something I could overlook or would just develop in time. I don’t have the answers for you OP as I also the same difficult decision to make soon but all I know is that the thought of this being it for the rest of my life fills me with dread... my soul needs more and I can’t ignore that.

"I also the same difficult decision to make soon but all I know is that the thought of this being it for the rest of my life fills me with dread... my soul needs more and I can’t ignore that."

I think that's it, I know but really struggling to come to terms with the fact that this will be the way it is. I just know it in my gut. It fills me with dread too. Its a sort of lifelessness in all forms.

[quote lotsofpotsandpans]I found this video really insightful ...

[/quote] I am beginning to really despise 'nice' and polite, I just want honesty and the truth. Even now when our relationship is the pits I don't even get that, no matter how bad it has become, theres none, he's not aware that that is something worthwhile in a relationship or even necessary to survive.

You have a remarkably similar story to me. I guess we must be strong afterall!

I would definitely recommend counselling. Counselling and then lockdown (!) saved our marriage. It isn't all sudden fireworks and romcom clichés. But we started communicating. Properly and effectively. And it has made a huge difference.

And I've realised that marriage isn't all about romantic shared passions. But it is about understanding each other. He isn't wrong for not being passionate or lively. Maybe he is about some stuff and you don't know.

In a very similar position here and we are on the verge of separating. We’ve agreed to give it one more month.

Don’t let anyone belittle what you’re feeling.
It’s your life and your future, you have to live it and if you’re not happy then something needs to change. Maybe (hopefully) you will find a way forward but for me I now realise personality differences are not going to change and that’s a pretty big issue.

My boy is nearly 2 and it absolutely breaks my heart that he may now grow up in a broken family but it is even more important to me that he grows up in a happy home with love and affection and laughter. Staying together for children is not the right reason, even though instinctively if feels like it is - my parents should have separated at least 10 years before they did.

One thing I will say OP is I’ve had 2 marriages- 1st with a guy exactly as you describe your husband— I felt exactly as you did and we split in my Late 20s at my decision. He was so laid back he was horizontal. 2nd marriage 5 years later— complete opposite, exactly what you say you are missing— much more communicative, opinionated, argumentative even— for quite a lot of years I found it far more interesting and engaging— as I have got older I do care but to be honest now find it quite hard going, because added to this it now includes a lot of moaning - people do change OP , both you and partners. Someone one said to me that partners can be ‘right for you ‘ but that can be ‘right for now’ and now I am older I see what they were getting at

@yetmorecrap that’s really interesting to read. Do you feel you made the right choice though?

So sorry op - it’s horrible to have to leave. It sounds like you are just not compatible though and you can’t spend the next 40 years like that.

Good luck whatever you decide.

@running3 I certainly think your mind can play tricks and you think at the time you need something totally different. I don’t think long term with my ex would have worked, however on reflection I don’t think it was the laid back ness and a bit of a lack of ambition that was the issue, it was more of an intellectual mismatch. At the time I felt it was the lack of go but distance and different partners can make you realise it was actually something else altogether. Ambition and someone who is more dissatisfied with life in general can bring their own different issues-

@Oona1981I feel so much like this. So many of the things you say, and others are saying in reply, are word for word what I'm going through. I've done the counselling to ask if I'm going crazy, which they assure me I'm not, but I CANNOT move forward. I feel like I'm crumbling inside, but I have to plough on for everyone else's sake. I've just started reading Lady Chatterley's Lover, of all things, and it describes my feelings perfectly. I haven't got to the racy bit yet, but the description of Connie just feels like looking in a mirror. I feel empty and frustrated and almost like I'm dying inside, but I have responsibilities.....
I know that people end relationships and move on and are fine (after the inevitable horrible time) but I can't see how to get this for myself, without putting others through so much sadness.
If anyone has a magic wand.......please.........
Hope you work it out, OP x

I think this is an issue of energy levels. We don't realise this about ourselves sometimes. You might not realise how energetic you are because you've never been anyone else so how would you know?!

Someone could be a really amazing and interesting person, but unless they are enthusiastic, energetic and somewhat excitable, the process of spending time with them could be quite dull. You would never know they've just read an amazing book because they're not inclined to share it or elaborate. It actually takes quite a lot of energy to be emotional, enthusiastic and communicative. Some low energy introverts are not inlined towards communication and their medium-low energy makes them even less so. They can be too laid back for some.

I think you should read 'Why Him? Why Her? Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type' by Dr Helen Fisher. Don't take it too seriously - it;s just food for thought. You will find that you very much relate to the Explorer/Negotiator type, most likely.

I can also relate to much of what you are saying OP. It’s hard but I do think exacerbated by having young children who are fantastic but very draining at the same time. There’s simply little energy or time at the moment to do spontaneous stuff together and no support from family to aid that. We’ve recently completed an online marriage course which has been great. We still have a lot of work to do but it’s given me some hope that this can be worked out. The course is free and available here’s: themarriagecourse.org/

So an update from me. A few people have suggested my husbands behaviour leans towards that of someone with high functioning Aspergers. Anyone else been in this place? I have no idea what to think.

I think one of the main issues is energy actually. Like he is too lazy to share, he’s sort of admitted as much. That’s why I’m so terribly disappointed that he can’t be arsed trying.

OP why don't you make special time apart from family, just for the two of you to do something different. Something else apart from just living ? Marriage is exclusive to to people and keeping it that way requires effort and sometimes imagination which can get lost in the proces of everyday life.

Why not ? It's worth a try. Go swimming together or visit a museum or an attraction and make an effort to get ready and look forward to it as if it were a date ?

OP, I don't know about Aspergers and personally don't think that, but a correlation between my DH's behaviour and possibly a form of dyslexia/similar dysfunction has occurred to me. I genuinely sometimes think his brain doesn't imagine things or join the dots the same way as mine and doesn't push him to act. It's really difficult to explain but having spoken to him recently he genuinely doesn't see that certain things need to be done/are problematic, whereas I identify them immediately. I'm also more creative than him and this is where the initiative and love for exploring and variety in life stems from. He's not creative or artistic at all, he has no imagination like that.

I really do think his brain operates differently to mine and not just because he's a man.

I started some threads on this very same problem in 2011/12.

I was feeling very similar to what you're describing. My husband wasn't a bad man but we just were mismatched.

We split (amicably). We both quickly met new people who we are both still with.

I am much happier. I was prepared to be alone but honestly once we'd split I found I really did want to meet someone else.

It's a totally different dynamic. My current DH and I talk long into the night about whatever... he has a professional career, supports me in mine and my hobbies.

My children are teens now so we have time for each other. When I see my X I shudder at the thought of spending time with him. He has no depth or substance. He is a good man and a good dad but we're better apart.

We never had any arguments really. Just an awful plod of life.

I'm not advocating leaving. It's a big step but remember...

You can't 'change' the people around you but you can change the 'people' around you

Hello @Oona1981- i feel like we are in the same place. Just this morning I have said to my husband I just can't go on like this. I don't want a new partner I don't think anyone else is going to make me happy that is not why I want to separate. I can't stand to live the rest of my life like this. I know I could make an effort, book something, book a babysitter, make him a special meal but I just don't want to anymore. I've done all that and I'm so done. He doesn't care!
I am sick of instigated everything. It's a stalemate really. How on earth do you separate? I have no family support or friends I just don't know how to get out of this :(

I am bumping this. 6 months on, marraigr counselling and still no progress, stagnant. He is trying in his own way but it all feels so unnatural and not the way marraige should be.

I would say this to you, get out of that marriage now! I can tell you with a lot of certainty that things are not going to get better, only worse. With time, you will feel more and more unhappy and will resent your husband more and more. I see that there are many people here that are judging you, but that is not right. Only you know how you feel and what you need and if you are unhappy and your needs are not being met no reasoning will change that. It is not to say that your husband is a bad man or that you are a bad person for not appreciating him. Simply the two of you together, it does not work. I am telling you this based on my own experience. I have been with my husband for 26 years and most of them I wanted to leave him. I know this sound bad right? Well, you can only imagine how it feels. The more years go by the harder it is for me to really leave. Its like, how can I leave him now, after all these years? But I feel deeply unhappy and there are so many things that I want and need, and I know will not get if I stayed with him. One sentence keeps repeating over and over in my head:” I cannot grow old with this man”. And the thing is, I am already old, old to do so many things. But you are not. You are young and full of life and you owe it to yourself to make the best of it. So, go ahead and do it girl!!!

OP - are you in the UK? Or any other place that has been dealing with lockdowns and interruptions to normal life?
If yes - then I am not sure I’d be judging anyone at this point over the lack of energy/zest for life.
I think it’s unrealistic to expect huge change on that dimension from anyone at this time.
Mabt people are struggling with life energy these days. It’s been a relentless and draining year. So - just living and being focused on day to day is already a lot.
Also - are you sure that at this time - that your dreams of more exciting live isn’t escapism from what we have?

Anyway. My 2p is - survive through lockdown and wait until life turns to something more normal. There is a lot to be said for a supportive and solid partner in the times like we have now.
The life of excitement and fireworks isn’t really available to anyone right now.

When life starts getting back to normal - see how things are.

It sounds like you settled for this guy because he was "kind"

At the end of the day it sounds like you consciously settled for him.

Now he is being blamed for the personality traits that made you choose him in the first place.

Now you see him as weak-willed & agreeable & want a partner!

But this is the partner you chose.

I don't believe that children are happier in a single home with a loveless marriage as their role model for relationships

I tend to think most people who use staying for the kids as their reason are making excuses because in reality they want to keep the creature comforts of remaining in a marriage.

It sounds like you were never in love with this man & now shocked that you're feeling dissatisfied with various aspects of your life - but that was the decision you made!

You can't expect him to be someone he never was.

Just leave. Strive for some happiness.

I was in your situation a few years ago. It's been a long period of indecision but for the last year we have lived together, but have no relationship and are effectively separated, but not publicly yet.

I've never been so miserable and sad in all my life. Whatever unhappiness I thought I had is nothing compared to this. I don't know if it's the limbo state, lockdown or realisation that my life will soon be completely upside down. I just hope I feel a sense of relief when it's public and we live apart

I know just how you feel. It's awful. The journey apart however, should you take it, is so very difficult and full of conflicting emotions, and lots of tears

Hi, I just saw this (looking for similar stories to mine!), wondered how things are going / what did you decide to do..? I hope life had improved… clearly there are many of us bored out of our minds with spouses! will write more if this thread is still active..?