What does this mean?

[pignoramus]

Man at work, senior to me but a similar age. We have texted quite a bit, usually every week or so. Initially for work, then a few more friendly chats and then the last few weeks have been a bit more... flirty (but not every time).

We began texting in lockdown when both wfh. I've only been back in the office two days a week for the last couple of weeks so have only seen him in person about three times.

After a few drinks one evening I basically admitted to having always fancied him and he said the same. This is about a month ago.

Since then we have had a couple more flirty chats about how much we fancy each other however he never says anything when we see each other in person. He's friendly and chatty, the same as he was before lockdown but he hasn't initiated anything. What does this mean?!

All of our limited flirty chats have been late evening and now I am worried he doesn't really fancy me but has just been "going along" with it because he's drunk or bored!

Professional in the work situation and unprofessional out of it.

I think if he hasn't asked you out already then that's pretty weird. Sounds like he just wants to keep you as an option.

If it were a case of not wanting to date in the workplace then he wouldnt have continued flirting with you and mentioning that he likes you.

I think he wants to keep you on the back burner.

I'd avoid. Sounds like unnecessary drama waiting to happen.

@noego

Professional in the work situation and unprofessional out of it.

So how do we progress?!

@Bunnymumy

I think if he hasn't asked you out already then that's pretty weird. Sounds like he just wants to keep you as an option.

If it were a case of not wanting to date in the workplace then he wouldnt have continued flirting with you and mentioning that he likes you.

I think he wants to keep you on the back burner.

I'd avoid. Sounds like unnecessary drama waiting to happen.

Yes this is kind of what I am worried about... but I do really fancy him!

Ask him out. Make it clear you mean as a date. But if he ums and awws or makes excuses then don't be fannied about further.

Because he realises his wife wouldn't like it?

What's his home situation?

I'm not sure I would dare be the one to ask him on a date! I'd rather he asked. I'm worried he's not bothered now too so would be even more cringe!

Perhaps he's wise enough to know that workplace romances are a terrible idea.

If you don't ask you may never know. I'd just be blunt 'so are we going on a date then or what?'. His face within a few seconds after, will tell you all you need to know.

If you really are interested.

Tbh though, I think it's safe to assume he is a timewaster/messer-arounder/has a gf already as otherwise wtf is he dithering and not stating his intentions?

Why not ask him out? You were confident enough to say you’d always fancied him, it’s not much more of a leap to ask him out!
Maybe he wants you to make the first move because he is concerned about working together if you rejected him. It sounds like he wants to keep things professional at work which is a good thing.
Be brave!

He knows you fancy him so if he wanted to take things further he'd make a move. He may think you're attractive but he's just not that into you. Not worth making your job awkward over imo.

He's not married and doesn't have children. I honestly do think he is single but I suppose it's not beyond the scope that he has a girlfriend he has never mentioned. I am 27, he is 31. I think perhaps if it turns flirty again I will say something a bit like "are you going to take me out then?" But would be mortified to ask him to his face. What if he says no?! He's a lot more confident than me, I don't think he's waiting for me to ask.

@Avery7

He knows you fancy him so if he wanted to take things further he'd make a move. He may think you're attractive but he's just not that into you. Not worth making your job awkward over imo.

Yes now we are back in the office I can see how it could turn awkward and I am concerned about this where I wasn't when we had our first flirty chat from the comfort of our homes and having not seen each other for months. Perhaps he feels the same.

Just because he hasn't asked you out doesn't mean he's not interested. Men aren't born with some automatic confidence or skill to do this!

If he says no then you take it on the chin. Its 2020, have you never asked anyone out before? Worst thing that can happen hs he rejects you (and after saying he liked you then... that means he is a total wanker) and you don't have to be strung along anymore.

@Bunnymumy

If he says no then you take it on the chin. Its 2020, have you never asked anyone out before? Worst thing that can happen hs he rejects you (and after saying he liked you then... that means he is a total wanker) and you don't have to be strung along anymore.

No, I never have. I can see the benefit of knowing one way or the other but I'm not sure I wouldn't die of embarrassment if he said something really mean about how he didn't mean what he'd said and it was a bit of late night fun!

Does he strike you as a total knob?
Cause come on he'd have to be to say that. Most probably he'd just give you some guff about not wanting things to be awkward at work if it didnt work out. In which case you go 'fair enough, just figured there was no harm in asking' and you block his number and keep it cordial in the workplace from then on.

I think if you arent gonna find out asap then best to choose to end the flirting before it gets awkward. Suddenly become "very busy".

"Tbh though, I think it's safe to assume he is a timewaster/messer-arounder/has a gf already as otherwise wtf is he dithering and not stating his intentions?"

This.

DH and i met in the office as did a number of my friends so I don't think workplace romances are always a bad idea.

But to me there's something ungallant about his behaviour: you confessed to him that you've always fancied him - I think that was taking a significant step on your part. He may have replied by saying that he's always fancied you but it feels to me like the ball is in his court on suggesting a meet up and the fact that he hasn't suggests it doesn't work for him for some reason or another.

In my experience (admittedly speaking as a woman well into middle age who's been with the same partner for 20+ years), if you have to ask why a man is doing something, it's usually a sign that something's out of kilter.

I know we're in 2020 and it shouldn't be up to the man to ask you out but in my experience, if a man wants to take you out he would be making it clear, especially if he already knows that you fancy him.

You've already been the one to admit you like him first so leave it to him to take it further and if he doesn't then he obviously is not worth the effort.

I hope it's not the case but some people just like the flirt/ego boost!

*But to me there's something ungallant about his behaviour: you confessed to him that you've always fancied him - I think that was taking a significant step on your part. He may have replied by saying that he's always fancied you but it feels to me like the ball is in his court on suggesting a meet up and the fact that he hasn't suggests it doesn't work for him for some reason or another.

In my experience (admittedly speaking as a woman well into middle age who's been with the same partner for 20+ years), if you have to ask why a man is doing something, it's usually a sign that something's out of kilter.*

This is the gut feeling I have I think. He did say the first time we were flirting that "we will have to go out together" and I agreed but plans were never properly made.

Reading back this all does sound really negative now! I'd like to add he has said more than just that he fancied me back. He's told me he'd thought about kissing me before lockdown and thought I looked great in a particular dress I wore. He has gone out of his way to come and see me since we have been back in the office too. I think there has always been chemistry there

Well ask him out then, just go for it!
What would you rather do spend the next weeks and months thinking what if?!

Don't let this drag on if you're keen. You don't want to develop deeper feelings if he's only hoping for a bit of chat, not if you have to work together.

I broadly agree that if something feels like it's not going anywhere it usually isn't but as he's senior it could possibly be that he is hesitant to make a move on a slightly younger, junior colleague.

I would suggest you breezily but clearly ask him out on a date, just once. Suggest a day and time, not just a vague 'let's have drinks'. You could always add something about how you won't feel awkward if it's a 'no' (only as you work together). If he agrees, great (although I would prob hold off from anything physical for a bit), if he says no, umms and aahs or says yes but not that date then doesn't suggest another, that kind of thing, disengage from the flirting and look elsewhere.

I've not needed to message him for over a week so think I will avoid being first to send anything and not let it get overly flirty (no more confessions!) and see how he is in person next week when I see him again. If he seems flirty and keen I will try asking. Although I can't promise I won't wimp out of actually asking. I'll make an excuse for us to be alone together for a few minutes and gauge the atmosphere!