Not in love with DP anymore.

[troubleinparadise56]

Been with DP for 6 years. Lots going on in that time -- 3 house moves, 2 children. Kids are now 3.5 and 16m. Our eldest was recently diagnosed with ASD.

DP is a good man, brilliant partner and father. Kids adore him. When he's not in work, everything is 'divide and conquer' so we both pitch in with what needs to be done regarding children/house/etc. Lovely house in a nice area, financially okay, wonderful children. So in essence, I should be happy. But I'm miserable and want to leave.

I've tried talking to DP. He adores me and never wants us to split. We have plans to get married eventually. But I don't know what I want. We just plod along going through the motions. I can't bare any physical contact right now, I don't even respond when he tells me he loves me I DO love him, I just don't know if I'm in love with him.

I will add, a lot of this is down to me. I'm quite a big introvert so Ive found lockdown tough with him WFH and two kids under my feet all the time. I make time for myself (yoga, reading, drawing, etc) but it's still not the same. I've started cutting myself off from people and not making an effort with friendships (some with good reason). The thing is though, I know I'm not depressed. I've suffered with depression and panic attacks in the past. I just feel trapped.

I can't leave. I'm a SAHM. Work is out of the question right now due to young kids, especially DS. He wouldn't cope with childcare beyond a couple of hours. Plus all the therapies/services involved for his care needs. DP earns enough for us to have a comfortable life. He doesn't begrudge me being a SAHM at all as he knows it's in our sons best interest. DS also needs the familiarity of home. I can't afford my own flat, can't live with my parents. DS needs his home. He also dotes on his dad.

We're just muddling along. We obviously can't go on dates etc as can't have DS for long. It still doesn't stop this desire to bundle my kids up and leave.

We can't afford counselling. DP just asks what he can do to make this better. But I don't know. I don't know what the answer is, so don't know how to fix this. There's this huge disconnected between us but sometimes I don't even want to try to fix it.

Bump

Well you could start by not using the words
‘My kids’ exceptionally disrespectful to your dh.

Maybe you should just leave, he sounds like someone who deserves to be loved and desired and doesn't waste his life on someone who is half out the door.

And maybe you are better off single with 50/50 custody

You say you're not depressed but you are intentionally cutting yourself off from people and you've found lockdown tough ... It can be exhausting as an introvert always being surrounded by people. Added to that your son recently bring diagnosed with ASD and all the stress that will have predated that diagnosis I am not surprised that you are struggling a bit. Depression can present itself differently , it certainly sounds like you are struggling a bit and I wouldn't discount this because it feels differently to the past.

It would be a big mistake to give up your relationship without working really hard on it, you say you can't afford relationship counselling but I wouldn't discount this option until you have truly made the effort. Email local therapists asking for reduced rates, or maybe the option of only going to a couple of sessions a months. Or look into books and apps in working on your relationship. You need to start putting the effort in, sincerely, with the expectation of improving things substantially.

I completely understand what it's like to need your own space and alone time, and after a build up of that it's just so hard for me to function.
Having a child with autism is very very hard work, it could be that everything is just getting on top of you.
Don't make any decisions now. Try and spend some time thinking about what would make life easier, what you want from life in general, where you see yourself in three, five, ten years.

But if you are going to leave, it will be easier to do that while the children are small and two homes becomes their normal.

@Wherearemymarbles
Super helpful once I said 'my kids'. My partner adores OUR children and they love him so much. Our son is very attached to his dad. I've tried talking to him, he just asks what he can do to fix it but I don't know. Part of me does want to leave but it's not so simple. Where the hell can I take the children, one with ASD, with no money?? The only 'income' I get is carers allowance. DP is very much 'our money' but I obviously wouldn't use that to get my own place. Can't move in with family and no chance of social housing here. Like I said, he knows how I feel but doesn't want me to leave. He wants us to be together forever.

Thank to the actual helpful replies.
The children are wonderful and even DS is a happy little boy so we manage. I try to be the best mum I can be but on top of that, I have to be SALT, OT, emotional punching bag, go through constant meeting and assessment while we fight for getting him support for school. As well as my youngest who is beautiful but busy. I then try to carve time out for myself. I have nothing left to give for my relationship anymore. I will look at counselling.

We sleep separately, we don't have sex or any intimacy because I can't right now. I've tried to tell him he should find someone else but he recoils at the idea. He deserves better, I know that.

As for friendships, some have just run their course, others have screwed me over. I'm not someone who's really needed many friends. I'd rather go for a walk or read, than chat to friends. I prefer spending time alone, always been the same. Theres only one friendships I truly value which I do make an effort to maintain as she's important to me but even she doesn't know how I really feel. Lockdown has just amplified how much I prefer my own company or solo hobbies.

I obviously won't make any rash decisions and I know full well I'd regret leaving him but right now, I don't want to be with anyone.

I don't have any helpful suggestions I'm afraid, but just wanted to say that response about you being 'exceptionally disrespectful' to your DH by saying 'my kids' was ridiculous nonsense. Just ignore.

Relate is means tested.. it's a sliding scale depending on your income. At least find out the cost.

You sound depressed, I have felt similarly about my marriage and when I look back over that period I see how unhappy I was and am very very relieved I didn’t leave. Things between me and DH were shaken by having children. When they are young it’s all consuming and very very hard to find time for intimacy and connection. Don’t do anything rash. Get happy, get exercising and some counselling and then look at your marriage.

Being the mother of a special needs child at any time is hard but being so in lockdown is 100x that! I'm right here with you but with years of experience as my adult son is now 20. I kind of wish I had some trivial problems I see posted on here but I have to remember the grass isn't always greener! Anyhow, I think you're exhausted and overwhelmed and you shouldn't neglect yourself. I think this is acute stress and perhaps best not to make any major relationship changes in the middle of this absurd situation. TBH one of the best things ga I've done for my own mental health was to work part time a large part of my son's life so I could be out with adults and have child free time-I worked weekends and nights. I now work FT weekends and a single weekday. Perhaps if lockdown lessens you can attend a parents of special needs children support group or even an online one? Can you at least carve out time to go for a walk or someplace for a few hours each week?
Best of luck!

It sounds awful, but could you just be terribly bored? And fed up of feeling accountable for fulfilling other people's wants and needs? Hence why you have pragmatically ditched some of the deadwood (crap friends) and are now looking closer to home (DP)
It could be that family life is the problem, not DP himself. Can family life be made more rewarding somehow??
No answers but it could be that DP could be an ally rather than the enemy.

Theres only one friendships I truly value which I do make an effort to maintain as she's important to me but even she doesn't know how I really feel.

I would talk to your friend. You'd feel better for it.

I'm the same with needing space to breathe. So, after co-habiting a couple of times, I've now decided I will never live with anyone.

Sex is the same- CBA right now for various reasons. Some of it feels like a chore/pressure when in a relationship.

Not that it makes any difference, but I have autistic traits- is it something you've considered?

I think you'd feel better if you somehow separate. Even with the kids you'd have more space to breathe.

Everyone will have felt the emotion a little, but not everyone has it to the same extent.

It's also stuff from my childhood, a father who had a bad temper so I don't like to live at the mercy of other's moods.

I’ve always found MN posters seem to frown upon anyone wanting to leave a relationship when “just” falling out of love. I assume this is because they’ve been in a seemingly happy relationships and been left because their DP feel out of love with them otherwise I can’t understand the reasoning behind it.

You don’t sound depressed! But I’m sure feeling trapped isn’t exactly helping the way you feel in general.
Your feelings are valid and falling out of love is more than a good enough reason to end a relationship that you’re no longer happy in.

I don’t have a magic answer for you for how you can make it work with two DC and especially with one having SN but I don’t think it’s fair on either of you if you feel this way.

I hope you find the happiness you deserve

I think it is really hard when your kids are small, I remember my partner describing it as "unrelenting drudgery", and we had two NT children and no lockdown to contend with. Is there any way you could get a break, even for just an afternoon? I found that making the effort to go out alone together made us remember that we did actually like each other! Not so easy at the moment though. It sounds to me like life is just really hard and there's not much room left for your relationship. Which might be fine. As ours got older, life got a bit easier and we were able to enjoy each other a bit more again.

I've been with my dh for over 20 years . I'll admit that in times past I've completely disliked him and have made plans in my head to leave .
But I've worked through those feelings and they pass .
I'm not saying you need to do that , but do you think your feelings could be because of other areas of your life are lacking in some way ?

Unless you have your eyes on another bloke perhaps you should stay where you are. Relationships don’t have to be all fireworks. It’s pretty normal when kids are under 10 to have the relationship play second or third fiddle and intimacy to disappear. I doubt your husband would get much out of you leaving either unless he is interested in someone else and it doesn’t sound like it is.

Maybe you should agree to temporarily try living as friendly coparents and if your relationship reignites, great. If not, and one of you wants a deeper relationship, you can cross that bridge then.

You could be me, OP, so much is the same. Sending because it's an awful situation.

I've recently had counselling to try and get things straight in my head - it has been more helpful than I expected and there's a couple of things I'm trying to improve my own mental health in the hopes of saving our marriage.

I'm reading a couple of books - Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay and one on active listening (which I've forgotten the title of). They're both helpful in their different ways - maybe they will help you too.

Leave.

He deserves to be loved.

"DP is a good man, brilliant partner and father. Kids adore him. When he's not in work, everything is 'divide and conquer' so we both pitch in with what needs to be done regarding children/house/etc. Lovely house in a nice area, financially okay, wonderful children. So in essence, I should be happy. But I'm miserable and want to leave"

OP..... please read that again.

And then tell us.... what exactly does what you want Look like?

What do you want from your DP?

What do you want from your life without him?

What is it about his absence that will make your life better? Easier?

Op,

I really feel for you.

You possibly see a long challenging road ahead of you are you are wrecked from the past 6 months.

Hell, I have the greatest of sympathy for woman coping with young children.

Exhausting enough without lockdown.

You may not be depressed but you sound low.

I don't blame you.
Life with small children can be wearing and trying to give them all they need.

You can just feel totally wiped at the end of the day.

I get that you are feeling trapped and probably very dissatisfied with where life has taken you.

I do think counselling might help.

Certainly doing it on your own would be very tough if you have had such great support from your husband.

Despite him being a great man, you are allowed to feel fed up.

Bear with me here. Could you go away for a few days alone?

My thinking is this. You owe it to everyone to know where they stand. You, because you matter. Your DP because he’s thinking he’s got a happy ending and a wedding in the horizon and you aren’t. And your children because if you need to split, it’s better to do it and manage it carefully. You won’t always be able to avoid change for them.

But you also sound exhausted. I’m extroverted and lockdown almost killed me. I can go and see people now... you’re still suffering. You need time.

So could you book three days in a hotel? Spend the first two unwinding by yourself; and the third one thinking about things? Then you might have a path forward. You might feel differently but know that you need to build in time for yourself. Or you might feel the same, and therefore know what you need to do.

You can wish you were happy and try to be content with your lot as much as you like; but if you’re not; you’ll never trick your mind. You all deserve to be happy, you and DH.

I think when life gets stressful with kids, lockdown, whatever, relationships change and you can forget what you liked about each other. You don't have quality time together and there's very little of the fun you have had in the past.

There are things you can't change, like the kids themselves and their needs, and things that you feel you can maybe change, so perhaps it's too easy to focus on the latter I.e. to think that leaving DP is the answer when actually it's about looking at ways to have good times again and maybe, especially if you're a SAHM, have times away from the whole family.

In other words, it could be that there are ways you could make this better, with or without counselling, and that by leaving you could make things a whole lot worse. So I do think it wouldn't be wise to make any hasty decisions. You could be depressed as had been suggested - nothing seems fun or good when you feel like that. And long term relationships can often have their ups and downs.

I've been experiencing similar thoughts and j thank you just sound knackered. It's no surprise you're feeling the lack of love for your partner. Is there any possibility to you getting a babysitter and going out for dinner? Just some alone time to laugh and joke with no pressure for it to go further? I think in general it does get easier once your youngest is older than three. And lockdown is a crazy factor to throw into the mix. I bet you're just feeling touched out. If this were me, and it kind of is, I would wait it out and see how you feel in a year or so. Try and find some time to reconnect with your partner and why you fell in love - away from the kids. Try and be intimate - hold hands, cuddle. I hope you find the love again

I think life is getting on top of you and more than anything you need a break. Can you go off for a day or overnight for a pamper with a close friend? You need breathing space .

I agree with PP. It really doesn't sound like your partner is the problem but that you are so busy looking after two tinies, including one with ASD, and running your household, that you have entirely lost yourself. Even without the additional strains of lockdown and ASD, the early years of child-rearing are very tough on relationships and I don't know that many people feel particularly romantic about their partners during this time. They spend most of their time tag-teaming and exhausted.

I also agree with a PP that you may benefit hugely from getting at least a part-time job or something that allows you a bit of regular child-free time with adults.

It is unsustainable for you to be the only carer for your 3 yo - what you are feeling demonstrates that. There must be other people who can help out even if you have to involve some paid childcare.

The bottom line is that you've run yourself ragged for too long and have nothing left to give. But from what you say, it really doesn't sound like leaving your partner would fix that.

Could you find some ways to carve some time out for yourself so you can rediscover yourself as a person? Ask your partner to support you in that. If he can afford for you to be an SAHM, he can afford to pay for some childcare so that you can have a break including possibly even having a little part-time job.

falling out of love is more than a good enough reason to end a relationship that you’re no longer happy in

Sorry @suncloudsandrain, but IMP no it isn't. Because people don't just go "POP! Whoops! Oh dear, I've fallen out of love for no reason!" If we did, no-one would ever have a long-term relationship, period.

There will be a reason and the least the OP owes the poor guy is time spent working out what that is, and doing some soul-searching, if only to give some rationale/peace of mind if she does choose to leave.

I can think of nothing worse than someone leaving "because it just happened". I wouldn't be able to trust anyone again - because no matter how hard I tried to be a good partner, how great our chemistry was or much effort we made to communicate one day that person could wake up and think "ew, sorry, no not for me, see ya!" I mean, why even bother making a commitment? What happens if "POP! Oh, hello I love you again!" a year later??

Sorry, love doesn't work that way for me. YMMV