Not in love with DP anymore.

[troubleinparadise56]

Been with DP for 6 years. Lots going on in that time -- 3 house moves, 2 children. Kids are now 3.5 and 16m. Our eldest was recently diagnosed with ASD.

DP is a good man, brilliant partner and father. Kids adore him. When he's not in work, everything is 'divide and conquer' so we both pitch in with what needs to be done regarding children/house/etc. Lovely house in a nice area, financially okay, wonderful children. So in essence, I should be happy. But I'm miserable and want to leave.

I've tried talking to DP. He adores me and never wants us to split. We have plans to get married eventually. But I don't know what I want. We just plod along going through the motions. I can't bare any physical contact right now, I don't even respond when he tells me he loves me I DO love him, I just don't know if I'm in love with him.

I will add, a lot of this is down to me. I'm quite a big introvert so Ive found lockdown tough with him WFH and two kids under my feet all the time. I make time for myself (yoga, reading, drawing, etc) but it's still not the same. I've started cutting myself off from people and not making an effort with friendships (some with good reason). The thing is though, I know I'm not depressed. I've suffered with depression and panic attacks in the past. I just feel trapped.

I can't leave. I'm a SAHM. Work is out of the question right now due to young kids, especially DS. He wouldn't cope with childcare beyond a couple of hours. Plus all the therapies/services involved for his care needs. DP earns enough for us to have a comfortable life. He doesn't begrudge me being a SAHM at all as he knows it's in our sons best interest. DS also needs the familiarity of home. I can't afford my own flat, can't live with my parents. DS needs his home. He also dotes on his dad.

We're just muddling along. We obviously can't go on dates etc as can't have DS for long. It still doesn't stop this desire to bundle my kids up and leave.

We can't afford counselling. DP just asks what he can do to make this better. But I don't know. I don't know what the answer is, so don't know how to fix this. There's this huge disconnected between us but sometimes I don't even want to try to fix it.

Been physically apart must be very upsetting for your other half.
Hormones, generally tired, may just be wearing you down, check all these things out.
I found to my horror last June ( I have mild bi polar) that I got post menopasal hormonal depression, I have good life, nice home, reasonable job and great friends.
I had aching legs, cried all the time too, and could see no reason for it.
It took me months to get the right meds and now I’m ok.
These things could be you, get all the tests and checks

Given that you say you don't want to leave, and wouldn't as the children adore their father and he is a good husband, you may need to focus on seeing the positives of the situation and maybe get some counselling on your own? I'm really not saying suck it up; its just that as you have made the decision I do think maybe you can choose to focus on the benefits it brings rather than always thinking what if. Feeling bored and dissatisfied must be horrible - could you maybe carve out more time for yourself, learn a new skill, take some time just for you? I hope you feel better soon

Seems like a complex situation.

How often do you get time to totally leave the house all by yourself, and go for a walk or similar?

You partner sounds like an excellent parent, a good person to co-parent with, but in your head, is there something extra that you are yearning for that he doesn't have? Some quality you miss?

This isn't about ticking other people's boxes about what they would love in a partner/ What do YOU want from an ideal partner? What do think would make you happy?

@Cautious42

falling out of love is more than a good enough reason to end a relationship that you’re no longer happy in

Sorry @suncloudsandrain, but IMP no it isn't. Because people don't just go "POP! Whoops! Oh dear, I've fallen out of love for no reason!" If we did, no-one would ever have a long-term relationship, period.

There will be a reason and the least the OP owes the poor guy is time spent working out what that is, and doing some soul-searching, if only to give some rationale/peace of mind if she does choose to leave.

I can think of nothing worse than someone leaving "because it just happened". I wouldn't be able to trust anyone again - because no matter how hard I tried to be a good partner, how great our chemistry was or much effort we made to communicate one day that person could wake up and think "ew, sorry, no not for me, see ya!" I mean, why even bother making a commitment? What happens if "POP! Oh, hello I love you again!" a year later??

Sorry, love doesn't work that way for me. YMMV

Sorry @suncloudsandrain*, but IMP no it isn't. Because people don't just go "POP! Whoops! Oh dear, I've fallen out of love for no reason!" If we did, no-one would ever have a long-term relationship, period.8

That's true. People fall out of love either because the person they are with is not the person who they thought they were (they simply didn't know them well enough at the beginning), or the person they used to love has changed in some negative way for them. Sometimes people are put through enormous pressure through difficult life circumstance or bereavement that would make it tough for any couple, but yes, I agree that people don't simply fall out of love with someone for no reason. The other explanation is that depression or stress can really squash people's positive feelings and make life seem very grey in general.

It still doesn't stop this desire to bundle my kids up and leave.
I live alone and still sometimes get the feeling of wanting to escape to somewhere else/a different life/a different personality. Is it definitely your dp that you want to escape, and not yourself, your responsibilities, or something else entirely?

How did you feel pre-lockdown OP? Were these feelings there then or just during/since? I ask because I've had an absolutely out of character reaction to a certain situation over the last few months, despite not really thinking my MH was being affected by the pandemic. It's done very strange things to me, I still wouldn't say I've felt depressed but I very definitely haven't been myself so if this has only started since Covid it might be worth giving a bit more thought to the MH side of things before you make any major decisions.

I've posted before on this but am taking the liberty of doing so again.

Dear OP - I really don't think the problem is your OP. Your Username - Troubleinparadise - and references to not being "in love" with your H any more do make me wonder whether you have unrealistic expectations from your life as a co-parent. I agree with the PP who said that not being "in love" (a somewhat starry romantic state) is not a reason to break up a family. I don't think many parents of young children feel particularly romantic and in love with their partner - their connection may be more earnest and profound as a result of having children together but in reality the focus is so much on the young children that during that phase most co-parents are just tag teaming and collapsing exhausted when they have the chance. They may enjoy their companionship but romantic feelings are very low down the list of expectations. They can return when the load lightens up, btw. But right now - they are very deeply buried for most people.

The fact is that you have taken on way more than anyone person can sustainably handle for an extended period of time and you need relief from that load. You've exhausted your resources. It wouldn't matter who your co-parent is in these circumstances - I'm sure you wouldn't be feeling romantic about them. But you do need your H to help you re-organise the load so that it is bearable for you. You have lost yourself under the weight of it all and it is no longer bearable for you (it wouldn't be for anyone - you've done an amazing job so far). Given what you say about your partner, it seems way more likely that it is the situation which needs to change - not your partner.

You sound as though you are describing symptoms and not causes. You don’t seem to know or be able to articulate what the underlying reasons for your happiness are so it’s little wonder that your DH can’t help you improve the situation. You describe a perfectly kind and supportive partner but you seem to fantasise about living apart on less money, with less daily support and what will amount to more stress, less social engagement and less opportunity or energy to improve your life.

I suggest you do a bit more honest and deeper excavation to get to the bottom of your dissatisfaction with your life before you say or do something that will burn a bridge you regret.

I can sympathise with your post. I think love changes over time, especially after having children. I would describe the love between my DP and I more as a sibling type love. We rarely have physical contact, and we bicker a lot. But I’d say that strong love - being ‘in love’ has transferred over to my children. I want to give them the best I possibly can, so I prioritise this love over my need for intimacy/emotional connection etc. It’s hard, and maybe I’ve got it wrong - but my DP is a great dad, financially supportive so I can be a sahm, and a good man.

Did you have these feelings before lockdown? If not then I say get counseling and see if you can work through it. Maybe once you’re not together day in and day out your feelings will change.

I do understand however as I need a LOT of me time and if I was in a live in relationship right now with someone who was home all day with me I’d be ready to lose my mind. It would definitely make me crabby and feel suffocated but I would hang in there til things got back to “normal” before making any rash decisions.

It’s MN law that the first reply on a thread is nearly always the least helpful and the lowest intelligence.

You don’t have to stay in a relationship you’re not happy in, for any reason.

@Dery

I've posted before on this but am taking the liberty of doing so again.

Dear OP - I really don't think the problem is your OP. Your Username - Troubleinparadise - and references to not being "in love" with your H any more do make me wonder whether you have unrealistic expectations from your life as a co-parent. I agree with the PP who said that not being "in love" (a somewhat starry romantic state) is not a reason to break up a family. I don't think many parents of young children feel particularly romantic and in love with their partner - their connection may be more earnest and profound as a result of having children together but in reality the focus is so much on the young children that during that phase most co-parents are just tag teaming and collapsing exhausted when they have the chance. They may enjoy their companionship but romantic feelings are very low down the list of expectations. They can return when the load lightens up, btw. But right now - they are very deeply buried for most people.

The fact is that you have taken on way more than anyone person can sustainably handle for an extended period of time and you need relief from that load. You've exhausted your resources. It wouldn't matter who your co-parent is in these circumstances - I'm sure you wouldn't be feeling romantic about them. But you do need your H to help you re-organise the load so that it is bearable for you. You have lost yourself under the weight of it all and it is no longer bearable for you (it wouldn't be for anyone - you've done an amazing job so far). Given what you say about your partner, it seems way more likely that it is the situation which needs to change - not your partner.

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