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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In-laws drinking

31 replies

Hellothere19999 · 14/09/2020 11:16

Just looking for some advice.... my in-laws drink a lot which never really used to bother me but I now have an 10mo and I very rarely drink so I’m starting to find their behaviour quite shocking but not sure what to do. Last weekend they drank 3 bottles of wine between them at lunch and then carried on with either large wines or pints and then drove the 40 minute drive home (on the motorway). I know they are basically alcoholics and I find it so shocking that they drive in that state, with their family in the car. I will not be letting them spend much time alone with my daughter. How would you tackle this? I.e if they ask to have her overnight? I don’t mind them having her for a day as when sober and capable they are quite nice people. But the thought of them drink driving with her terrifies me.

OP posts:
Amber0685 · 14/09/2020 11:27

Gosh that is a lot. What does your OH say? I agree about no overnights. They would also likely be over the limit the next day. Do they only drink at weekends?

Teedeepie · 14/09/2020 11:27

I would be calling the police as soon as they pulled off the driveway or out of the car park. My cousin was killed many years back by a drunk driver and I would not be party to nor condone this behaviour. You know it’s happening, do something about it!!!

I also would never leave them alone with my child.

SoddingWeddings · 14/09/2020 11:30

I can't believe anyone would let someone drive after consuming that much alcohol. Shame on you all.

Call the police next time, or stage an intervention.

You need to challenge them over this behaviour. Who on earth was in the car with them this time. You? Your child?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 14/09/2020 11:30

The thing is daytime will likely see them still over the limit from the night before.. Imo your dd should never be alone with them.
Yanbu to stop unsupervised contact.
Imo neglectful of you to do otherwise..

mindutopia · 14/09/2020 11:46

I think you have to separate out the issues here. Sharing several bottles of wine plus a bit more over the course of several hours and a meal at Sunday lunch, not such a big deal. Some people like a drink. I would say that wouldn't be particularly unusual behaviour in our extended family. But the issue here is the drink driving. They should either book a taxi home, one of them stay sober to drive, stay over the night or offer to host so they don't have to drink.

The other issue is whether this is a thing that happens daily or on occasion at family gatherings. I would say dh and I enjoy a drink. We have certainly shared several bottles of wine over the course of lunch/dinner and a few hours while looking after our own children and are perfectly able to parent just fine. I don't subscribe to this ideal that you should never drink in charge of your children, and I certainly don't know anyone who abides by that. But there is a difference between lots of drinking at Sunday lunch, or Friday dinner, or a wedding or quiet night at home just the two of them, and it being a daily thing. If they will be drinking to excess with your small dc with them overnight because they can't stop for even a day, then that's an issue. Or if they are drinking from 11am every day, that's an issue. I wouldn't allow overnight or unsupervised contact if that's the case. That said, even my otherwise sensible like a drink (but not alcoholics) family never had my dc overnight until at least between 2-6 years because well, they're probably better off at home with us anyway, so I think you have plenty of time still to consider what is safe and appropriate.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 14/09/2020 11:51

What would I tackle it?

  1. Tell dh that he needs to speak to his parents about their drink driving.
  2. Don't invite them to your house again if they can only get there by driving.
  3. Don't let them ever have your child. They have shown such ridiculous recklessness by driving after drinking what they did at your house that you can never ever trust them. Never. There is no one in the world who doesn't know that driving after drinking that much is illegal and fucking murderous.
AFitOfTheVapours · 14/09/2020 12:39

OP, re the drink driving, there is only thing you do: report them the moment they leave. Every time it happens (you can do it anonymously via crime stoppers, if necessary). If you feel like that’s being disloyal to your dh, forget it. As you know they are doing it, you have an overriding moral and legal obligation to report it. NEVER let anyone make you feel guilty about that. On the contrary, you should be proud of yourself.

If you think they are drinking like that every/most days and are likely to not think twice about doing it whilst having your dc/night before, no, I wouldn’t let my dc in that environment either.

Good luck

FelicityPike · 14/09/2020 12:45

@Teedeepie

I would be calling the police as soon as they pulled off the driveway or out of the car park. My cousin was killed many years back by a drunk driver and I would not be party to nor condone this behaviour. You know it’s happening, do something about it!!!

I also would never leave them alone with my child.

Absolutely I would be phoning the police. People like this sicken me to be honest.
AriettyHomily · 14/09/2020 12:48

The drinking well it is what it is.

Getting behind the wheel of a car? I'd be calling the police without a second thought.

Lockdownseperation · 14/09/2020 12:52

I’m with the others on taking note of their reg number and calling the police.

ZarasHouse · 14/09/2020 13:10

The fear and dread you feel thinking about what might happen to your DC? That's the risk your ILs are to everyone else on their road, and their kids. What they are doing is criminal. Would you let criminals look after your child? Whether it's day time or not is irrelevant, these are people incapable of safeguarding even the most obvious of safety issues. I would not trust them with a child

ZarasHouse · 14/09/2020 13:13

Unfortunately I have no say whether people like this are on the road risking my child's life. Please intervene on everybody else's behalf, and do everything within your power to stop these people driving home drunk, even if it means involving the law

Thisisnotnormal69 · 14/09/2020 13:16

What does your DH say about it? Would he want your child in their care?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/09/2020 13:20

I would just tell them straight, actually I would get their son to tell them straight why they weren't having my child alone. Why sugar coat it.
As for the drink driving, I think I would have reported them as soon as they left. O would have definitely told them they couldn't drive in that state.
When you say you can't breve they drive with their family in the car like that, what do you mean? Who is in the car with them?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 14/09/2020 13:21

I reported my own dh for drink driving.. Would have done the same to his dps if they had been drinking..

Winecheesesleep · 14/09/2020 13:30

I agree with others, I'd call the police to report them, that's shocking.

Original poster
Hellothere19999 · 14/09/2020 13:31

Thank you everyone for your replies! I have thought about reporting it anonymously but I know FIL would then be unemployed and has issues with depression - also couldn’t do it and not tell DP. They usually don’t drink AS much as that but often do drink n drive. I have spoke to DP and he is going to talk to them.... if it happens again I will be saying something but I know they will get defensive. Not that that matters, id rather offend them than let people be hurt or killed. I know I should have said something yesterday and I wish I had as the regret of not saying something feels much worse. I feel very guilty as it scares me a lot tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellothere19999 · 14/09/2020 13:34

In the car was both parents and two of their sons. I feel really awful now I know I have to report them/say something

OP posts:
Heffalooomia · 14/09/2020 13:39

If you tackle them and then report them they know it was you
I'd probably report them and never ever trust them

Thewiseoneincognito · 14/09/2020 13:43

Call the police on them. You will feel far worse if they kill someone and you didn’t report them. Drink drivers are frankly the scum of the earth in my view and deserve no sympathy. Keep them away from you 10mo too. Vile alcoholics 🤮

Original poster
Hellothere19999 · 14/09/2020 13:45

@Heffalooomia would they know they had been reported tho or would it seem like a standard police stop?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 14/09/2020 13:47

It doesn't matter if they know it was you. As pp said, if they kill someone/their children, YOU would be partly to blame for having stayed quiet and you would feel terrible.

Mischance · 14/09/2020 13:53
  1. Get some breathalysers - car shops have them as you have to have them in France etc.
  2. Get them to take the breathalyser test before they leave your house.
  3. If they refuse, contact the police.
  4. I am not the least moved by FIL's depression (he will be, if he is drinking that much) nor the fact that he might lose his job - that is just tough shit. The safety of the public is the only consideration here.
  5. Never leave your child with them, day or night - and certainly never ever let her go in their car.

I had an alcoholic MIL - it was very difficult. Thankfully she did not drive; and I did not leave the children with her.

You have not said much about your DH's role in all this. He needs to step up to the plate.

Please do not let this situation just drift - lives are at stake.

Heffalooomia · 14/09/2020 13:56

I'm not sure what the police do in response to a report of driving under the influence, I suspect they will need some sort of 'probable cause' in order to pull over a driver?

Teedeepie · 14/09/2020 13:59

He would lose his job and it might cause depression. ....I couldn’t give a shit. My cousin and two others lost there life the night a drunk driver got behind the wheel and lived to tell the tale. Get your priorities right!!! And no the police would not disclose they had been tipped off. And quite frankly if my in laws accused me of shopping them for drink driving I would hold my head up high and own it without an ounce of guilt or remorse!

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