Caught DH snooping through my phone

[snoopyDH]

So a couple of nights ago I sent my DS a Snapchat before I went to bed then left my phone to go get ready for bed in the bathroom.

I come back and notice that a Snapchat call was made to one of my friends, I saw the time it was made and knew it wasn't me so asked my husband, he seemed to get angry but then denied it.
I wasn't mad, just kept saying that I knew it couldn't have been me and did he look at my phone. Again he kept denying it, telling me it was a glitch in my phone etc
I knew I wasn't crazy so I asked again, he finally admitted it.

Back story, I had a short emotional affair three years ago and he used to check my phone all the time, and recently I have been a bit withdrawn but I have explained my feelings to him and think I'm depressed (lockdown/isolation) and reassured him I'm not cheating again, it's just something I'm going through at the moment.

We had a bit of a row tonight before he went through my phone.
I have nothing to hide, I would never cheat on him again, but I understand to an extent why he wanted to check my phone but I am more so mad that he kept on denying it and refused to admit he did it.
Even after he admitted it he still wouldn't take responsibility for why he looked.

AIBU for being upset about it or because I have wronged in the past should I just suck it up?

I think if a partner has been unfaithful in the past then the trust will never return completely. That's why staying together is intolerable for most people. In that sense I can see why he snooped and in his shoes I'd do the same. However, he decided to stay with you and so YWNBU to tell him that if he wants to remain in the relationship he has to trust you and that looking at your phone is unacceptable/a dealbreaker.

Sorry OP but he must be feeling insecure. You need to try and put this right since you created the territory you are now in

Well it's the advice given to women all the time on here so I say a man deserves the same advice, if someone is suspicious, find proof.

I'd have a chat and asked if he has been able to move past your EA or not and ask whether it has become a deal breaker for him.

Ihave explained my feelings to him and think I'm depressed (lockdown/isolation) and reassured him I'm not cheating again

Well, you haven't reassured him, because he isn't feeling reassured. You cannot blame him and demand he trust you - you've hurt him, you've damaged him. It's your fault that he's now the sort of person who checks your phone.
YABU

As above.

Your word isn’t good enough.

And... he’s right, and logical, to feel that way.

He chose to stay with OP after the affair, if he can't forgive and trust her again then he should have left. He's not entitled to go through her phone indefinitely.

@MandosHatHair

He chose to stay with OP after the affair, if he can't forgive and trust her again then he should have left. He's not entitled to go through her phone indefinitely.

She did say she has given him cause to think something is wrong. If I thought my bloke was up to something I would check his phone. It's the obvious place to look really. Not that I have..not at all

I wouldn't trust you either. He shouldn't be snooping through your phone, and he probably should have left you a long time ago. His trust in you is gone and I highly doubt it's ever coming back. This isn't a healthy way for either of you to live.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable to be honest. I think you need to have a really good talk about how things are with your relationship. Use this as a warning that things aren't as well as they should be.

If you've had an affair he may never 100% trust you again.

Thanks, you are all right in a way.
I have said to him that I can understand why he might be suspicious but if he has any concerns to talk to me.
Even when I found out he'd snooped, I'm not so much mad about it, I can fully understand that he might never trust me again and I said that to him but he insists that he does trust me.
I mean clearly not, and that's ok, but he still insists he does 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just wished he'd spoken to me about it.

I think I'm more angry that he thinks I'm an idiot who was going to accept his 'phone glitch' excuse and him denying constantly that he didn't look when it was obvious that he had.
Just own it.

If you both are invested in making this relationship work, you need to go to counselling together. If you don't find a way to fix your trust and communication issues, this simply isn't going to work.

@snoopyDH

Thanks, you are all right in a way. I have said to him that I can understand why he might be suspicious but if he has any concerns to talk to me. Even when I found out he'd snooped, I'm not so much mad about it, I can fully understand that he might never trust me again and I said that to him but he insists that he does trust me. I mean clearly not, and that's ok, but he still insists he does 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just wished he'd spoken to me about it.

I think I'm more angry that he thinks I'm an idiot who was going to accept his 'phone glitch' excuse and him denying constantly that he didn't look when it was obvious that he had.
Just own it.

OP you do not have the right to be angry IMHO

“Just own it”

That’s a bit rich given the history - presumably you did the very opposite of owning your deceitful behaviour?

Can you not imagine that he would have felt ashamed to have been caught snooping and so denied it in panic and then doubled down?

@snoopyDH

Thanks, you are all right in a way. I have said to him that I can understand why he might be suspicious but if he has any concerns to talk to me. Even when I found out he'd snooped, I'm not so much mad about it, I can fully understand that he might never trust me again and I said that to him but he insists that he does trust me. I mean clearly not, and that's ok, but he still insists he does 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just wished he'd spoken to me about it.

I think I'm more angry that he thinks I'm an idiot who was going to accept his 'phone glitch' excuse and him denying constantly that he didn't look when it was obvious that he had.
Just own it.

To be fair to the guy, presumably when he "just spoke to you" during your emotional affair before you lied about it? Or minimised it? Or did you admit all immediately?

@Anordinarymum fair enough.
So I don't have a right to any of my own feelings? How long should I have no rights?
I can accept that he might not trust me but if that's the case then just admit it, so we can work on it.
Why constantly tell me he DOES trust me when his actions say otherwise?

[quote snoopyDH]@Anordinarymum fair enough.
So I don't have a right to any of my own feelings? How long should I have no rights?
I can accept that he might not trust me but if that's the case then just admit it, so we can work on it.
Why constantly tell me he DOES trust me when his actions say otherwise?[/quote]
Why does he have to say he trusts you ? There must be more to this OP

I agree that if a woman was suspicious of her DH on here , everyone would be saying it’s ok to snoop to find the answers they need . Esp if he had EAin the past . He was feeling concerned that he could see a familiar pattern ( you being withdrawn) and wanted to check .
In all honesty asking him to come to you to discuss his concerns is unrealistic, as most people will deny it .He shouldn’t have snooped but I understand why he did , and I would do the same

“ just admit it, so we can work on it.”

You seem to have little insight or sense of irony, OP.

[quote snoopyDH]@Anordinarymum fair enough.
So I don't have a right to any of my own feelings? How long should I have no rights?
I can accept that he might not trust me but if that's the case then just admit it, so we can work on it.
Why constantly tell me he DOES trust me when his actions say otherwise?[/quote]
That's silly. If he doesn't trust you, he should be ready to leave you - if the trust is still so broken (which it would be for many / most people) and yes he should 'own' that. But if you're also aware he feels that way and you can't live under what you consider to be scrutiny or find it suffocating, you should leave too. At the moment nobody is very happy are they?

He probably believes that he does trust you (most of the time) but occasionally he gets that niggly feeling like when you're acting in a way that reminds him of the past.

He might have been embarrassed to admit straight away that he felt insecure and worried you were up to something again.

He chose to stay with OP after the affair, if he can't forgive and trust her again then he should have left. He's not entitled to go through her phone indefinitely.
While I agree with what you're saying I don't think all responsibility lies with him to forgive or forget or else leave. If he can't forgive her and things like this occur then the OP can make the choice to end the relationship and leave.
They both have choices to end it!

Why does he have to say he trusts you ? There must be more to this OP

He doesn't have to say he trusts me, he just tells me of his own accord if it ever comes up, which it hasn't in over a year.

You seem to have little insight or sense of irony, OP.

I can see it comes across that way because I'm not putting every minute detail of our relationship, I guess I meant that if he insists on telling me that he trusts me then I'm going to believe him, if he doesn't trust me then tell me how he's feeling so I can work on whatever I need to, to help him feel reassured.
Whenever we've had these discussions (which is rare as we've been doing well) I will ask him if there's anything I can do to improve our relationship and he tells me that there's nothing as he's happy

Did you lie to his face / when questioned directly, the previous time when you actually were having an EA?

If so, I personally think the toxicity it causes becomes so unhealthy it's impossible for both parties to truly heal.

But maybe you confessed everything immediately when confronted or you told him yourself?

He probably believes that he does trust you (most of the time) but occasionally he gets that niggly feeling like when you're acting in a way that reminds him of the past.He might have been embarrassed to admit straight away that he felt insecure and worried you were up to something again.

Thankyou, I think you're absolutely correct.

if he doesn't trust me then tell me how he's feeling so I can work on whatever I need to, to help him feel reassured.

Have you ever looked into this yourself to see how people feel after their partners have done that to them?

They often feel shame or insecure or like they're not good enough or it might have happened because of something they're already insecure about or so on. There are loads of negative feeliings that people might not want to talk about or admit to.

I understand that by not communicating about it that that's not going to help either....but you should be able to understand what he might be feeling.

Also you said you can work on it, that's the thing about trust, when it's broken it can't fully be repaired, he might always feel this way.