Caught DH snooping through my phone

[snoopyDH]

So a couple of nights ago I sent my DS a Snapchat before I went to bed then left my phone to go get ready for bed in the bathroom.

I come back and notice that a Snapchat call was made to one of my friends, I saw the time it was made and knew it wasn't me so asked my husband, he seemed to get angry but then denied it.
I wasn't mad, just kept saying that I knew it couldn't have been me and did he look at my phone. Again he kept denying it, telling me it was a glitch in my phone etc
I knew I wasn't crazy so I asked again, he finally admitted it.

Back story, I had a short emotional affair three years ago and he used to check my phone all the time, and recently I have been a bit withdrawn but I have explained my feelings to him and think I'm depressed (lockdown/isolation) and reassured him I'm not cheating again, it's just something I'm going through at the moment.

We had a bit of a row tonight before he went through my phone.
I have nothing to hide, I would never cheat on him again, but I understand to an extent why he wanted to check my phone but I am more so mad that he kept on denying it and refused to admit he did it.
Even after he admitted it he still wouldn't take responsibility for why he looked.

AIBU for being upset about it or because I have wronged in the past should I just suck it up?

I think you have to put yourself in his shoes to understand why he lies about trusting you and about snooping OP. He probably hates what the distrust is turning him into, hates that he's been reduced to snooping and wants it to be true when he says he trusts you so much he almost believes it himself. You don't sound like you've really understood what you've done to him and your relationship, if you had you wouldn't be angry, you'd be doing everything you could to reassure him. Everything he's doing comes from the pain and insecurity you've caused so it's on you to fix it and you've no right to be angry with him for it, sorry.

"So I don't have a right to any of my own feelings? How long should I have no rights?"

My guess is he says he trusts you because (1) he desperately wants to trust you but desperately does not want to feel like the completely betrayed idiot he felt when you were having your emotional affair; and/or (2) he knows from third parties or some life experience the whole world of pain it will be for him (and maybe; maybe??) you if he walks out and divorces you - so he says and tries to "trust" you.

But somewhere the communication between you is not and has not been sufficiently adequate for him to genuinely and sincerely feel like he really trusts you again so he can relax and walk past your phone (which you were sending snapchats on in your bathroom?) and say "meh - I dont need to look at that").

And having been betrayed myself the answer to your above quote in my opinion is you have to own the responsibility of you working to make him trust you again for as very long as it takes - it might be for the rest of your relationship (however long that is before he walks our - or you walk out because you decide he is just too paranoid for you to live with any more) - but to be clear - the responsibility for rebuilding trust lies primarily with you on an indefinite basis.

The only caveat to that would be if there was a really fundamental reason why you had the emotional affair in the first place (for example domestic violence by him to you - or he had an affair first and your emotional affair was a revenge affair etc) and in these types of circumstances neither of you should be with the other one by now anyway.

as per user's above post:

"Have you ever looked into this yourself to see how people feel after their partners have done that to them?

They often feel shame or insecure or like they're not good enough or it might have happened because of something they're already insecure about or so on. There are loads of negative feeliings that people might not want to talk about or admit to"

If you are betrayed, invariably you feel like an UTTER MUG.
You feel stupid, your self confidence is seriously dented and not on a short term basis, you feel like an idiot. If third parties (family or friends) find out you feel ashamed that this happened to you.

You can spend a lot of time thinking "what did I do to deserve or cause this" or "was I or am i not good enough for my partner".

It is not (in a lot of cases) just a matter of "time is a great healer" or "its all water under the bridge" or "that was so long ago just get over it already".

Sorry but it sounds like you telling him he must come to you and just tell you his feelings if he feels insecure is just not working for him.
He does not feel safe enough to do that with you by the sounds of it?

Going against the grain here, an 'emotional affair' is not an affair. He didn't have to stay and MN knows damn well the advice offered is usually "if you stay you won't ever trust him and you'll push him away with your paranoia"

No I don't think it's something you should just accept cause 'you were bad' neither do I think you should be expected to crawl on your belly and have no privacy for the rest of this relationship. It's degrading and dehumanising when an abuser goes through your phone because you have no right to privacy and they decide you can't be trusted and surprisingly it's just the same when someone ignores your right to privacy because they've decided you can't be trusted.

I've said this before on threads, I'd be saying bye bye if someone went through my phone, If I was cheating or not being my partner is not the same as having access to my life, some of my people have shit going on they wouldn't want a third party knowing about. It's all on my phone.

If he doesnt trust you he goes.

Mandos

"He's not entitled to go through her phone indefinitely."

The word "entitled" is not quite right here.

But yes, in a way I really hope that OP's partner packs a suitcase and leaves OP tonight.

It sounds like it is causing him ongoing distress and it sounds like OP doesn't really want to be in the relationship anyway.

lil

oh no.

an "emotional affair" is definitely an affair.

Are you really saying that unless they actually have sex then its not an affair and anything goes???

Sorry but it sounds like you telling him he must come to you and just tell you his feelings if he feels insecure is just not working for him

There it is, it's not working. You don't have to carry someone else's issues and it will leave you miserable if you try and appease him, he wants access to everything which IS unreasonable.

@Bubblebu Without physical shit what you're talking about is? There is no description of what the "affair" involved.
If he thinks he's got the right to go through someone elses phone and then get angry when challenged he is not a poor boy in need of sympathy.

FWIW I hope you manage to shed the depression. It's a shame you don't have his support.

@lilmishap

Going against the grain here, an 'emotional affair' is not an affair.

What complete and utter bullshit. An emotional affair can be even more damaging than a physical one. An emotional affair is a an all-encompassing betrayal, and you are betrayed at the deepest level an intimate relationship can have. A sexual affair can be merely a physical one with zero emotional involvement. Emotional affairs often continue on for months or longer, during which the one cheated upon has been deceived and lied to endless times. The one engaging in the affair becomes distant and often neglects their family. The damage is immense. I have read that half of emotional affairs do turn physical, so they are a very slippery slope.

Not an affair, my arse.

"access to everything"

nope

There is a BIG difference between a phone which contains validly confidential WORK correspondence involving third parties where the third parties would be totally entitled to expect that spouses etc were not a part to their personal information (in which case get a separate work phone and make sure your partner / spouse has total confidence in your professional integrity and that you were not using that phone for anything else etc)

and
personal snapchats with family members, or personal snapchats with friends, or personal snapchats with ...... errmm

there is a clear distinction in the above situation.

But yes I reiterate. It sounds like the OP does not want to put the effort in to understand and/or rebuild the trust - so I really hope the OP's partner sees that soon and leaves the OP as soon as he can do so.

lil

original post says:

"Back story, I had a short emotional affair three years ago"

now i might have missed more graphic details of what an emotional affair here involved later in the thread

But my understanding of an emotional affair is that although it might not involve sex it certainly does involve confiding sensitive and emotional details and feelings otherwise reserved to a faithful monogomous relationship.

And you might disagree and think the above is just fine to do but in my mind it is infidelity - it is one foot the door.
And OP's partner clearly thinks OP might do that again.

When he found out you were having an emotional affair, did you admit it straight away? How long did you hide it from him? How many times did you have to make up reasons to cover your activity? He probably felt just as stupid back then as you do now. I hope you can both work through it but I think you need to prioritise his feelings more than you are doing now.

I don’t think secretly looking at someone’s phone is right and I couldn’t do it ... but probably many people who have been cheated on held the same view before they were betrayed and loss of trust caused them to act in ways they normally wouldn’t.

The EAs I’ve heard about (and I don’t know if this is a common theme) involved elements of betrayal that wouldn’t feature in one night stands...like people discussing their home life and maybe even their poor oblivious DP’s with whoever they are cheating with. So in addition to the disloyalty I feel AE are an invasion of the privacy for whoever is being cheated on. At the very least the AP is privy to private details of the relationship in that they know it isn’t an honest one. It must be very difficult to feel safe and private at home after that.

Three years ago? This is still a live issue. It also very much depends on how your EA was discovered and what happened afterwards as to really how to sort this out.

Have you had any counselling as a couple?

He has spotted the same signs you displayed during your EA and it has triggered him. I was similar with my ex after his affair to the point that I realised I couldn't really trust him properly and needed to leave him.

I didn't tell him about the affair, he discovered it and I told him everything.

We've had a talk and he is still insisting he trusts me and it was just a stupid mistake on his behalf.
I've said it's ok if he doesn't and I understand his point of view and tried to have a conversation around what I can do to help him feel reassured and he still told me that there's nothing I need to do as he trusts me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh and yes we've had marriage counselling after the affair happened but we have just agreed that we should go back

@snoopyDH

I didn't tell him about the affair, he discovered it and I told him everything.

We've had a talk and he is still insisting he trusts me and it was just a stupid mistake on his behalf.
I've said it's ok if he doesn't and I understand his point of view and tried to have a conversation around what I can do to help him feel reassured and he still told me that there's nothing I need to do as he trusts me 🤷🏻‍♀️

He obviously doesn't trust you 100%. Can't say I blame him. As another poster above said, maybe your behaviour is causing him some doubts - can you not understand this?

You had an EA, he found out. There probably isn't anything you can do to reassure him, maybe the trust cannot be regained. If this is the case, what will you do now?

I think you should suggest separation counselling as opposed to marriage counselling because its been three years you asked him for support with your depression his response is to assume your having an affair and make a call on your Snapchat (who did he call?) deny deny deny again and eventually reluctantly admit it

This isnt a healthy response to a depressed spouse

I think I'm more angry that he thinks I'm an idiot who was going to accept his 'phone glitch' excuse and him denying constantly that he didn't look when it was obvious that he had. Just own it.

This makes my toes curl in embarrassment for you.

Really? I mean REALLY?!

Did you think he was an idiot who would accept your explanations for being late home/hiding your phone messages and denying constantly etc etc... or was that different? Oh no, guess what, it wasn't, because instead of 'owning it', he had to find evidence of your affair for himself and confront you.

No, it can't be the case that you're 'never allowed' to have your own feelings, and both partners always need to have rights.

Just a little less absolutely mind-blowing hypocrisy and a little tiny smidgen of self-awareness wouldn't go amiss, that's all.

Bottom line: I would think that if you're going to stay together then yes, every now and again, when he lets slip to you in ways like this that he doesn't 100% trust you no matter what assurances he gives you and yes, there will be times when he checks up on you... your job will be to very kindly and quietly look the other way. Because those are the consequences. Starting to fling yourself righteously around peeping about 'owning it' just make you look like a hypocritical twat, so stop.

And then one day, maybe a loooong time in the future, if you can have the grace to do this, and look the other way and just quite simply and quietly understand his unease, time and time again... one day he will find he doesn't need to look any more.

@lilmishap

Going against the grain here, an 'emotional affair' is not an affair. He didn't have to stay and MN knows damn well the advice offered is usually "if you stay you won't ever trust him and you'll push him away with your paranoia"

No I don't think it's something you should just accept cause 'you were bad' neither do I think you should be expected to crawl on your belly and have no privacy for the rest of this relationship. It's degrading and dehumanising when an abuser goes through your phone because you have no right to privacy and they decide you can't be trusted and surprisingly it's just the same when someone ignores your right to privacy because they've decided you can't be trusted.

I've said this before on threads, I'd be saying bye bye if someone went through my phone, If I was cheating or not being my partner is not the same as having access to my life, some of my people have shit going on they wouldn't want a third party knowing about. It's all on my phone.

If he doesnt trust you he goes.

Honestly!

If I was with someone who had an EA it would be byebye

I think you need to think of it from his point of view a bit more. I am where he is and it is the hardest thing in the world to try and get over someone lying and cheating to you especially when you have caught them out.

To be honest - he may trust you a lot of the time but it may never be ALL of the time. You have caused his insecurity, it doesn't take much for someone to have a wobble - a low day, a bit of stress. He's not talking to you about it because he probably thought he was able to trust you and then wham on a bad day the suspicious thoughts come back - just human nature.

Be honest though, if he did talk to you and say I want to check your phone every day , what would your reply be? Would you say yes sure, that's fine or would it make you angry? that is no way to live is it for him or you? but the reality is that he doesn't trust you fully 100% and he may never trust you 100% - that's the stark reality. You did what you did and you can't change the past.

Re-assuring him is the only way but it may never be enough for him - you've given him this battle - you either step up and help him through it or you resign yourself to the fact that he will have wobbles occasionally.

It's a horrible situation to be in - and one that can drive the other person crazy. I feel for him, people who have affairs have NO idea how much emotional damage they cause to the other person. You are now seeing what it has done to him - help him - and see how it goes - maybe suggest he gets counselling (with or without you) if he can't get there the best thing may be to split up and give him the freedom to be with someone he can trust 100% which will allow you to meet someone you have a chance of being faithful to.

I didn't tell him about the affair, he discovered it and I told him everything

Look he will either be thinking that you are still lying about the affair not being physical, or that it had not yet turned physical as you were caught out before you slept with the other guy. The day he discovered you cheated is the day that your marriage died, to recover you need to realise that you are building a new marriage and building trust as if this was day one and honestly OP all I read in your replies is a lot of minimisation and defensiveness with little emphathy and understanding for your husband. I think separate counseling for a while for you both before any joint counseling is needed for you both to be given the space to figure out how to go forward.

He probably does believe when he thinks rationally that you are committed to him and your relationship. It can just take a little while for our conscious thoughts to be reflected in our feelings, over which we have far less control. I’d let it slide, be the bigger person and focus on showing him that you are 100% committed. If you both want to move on, together, you will get to the point where what happened truly is ancient history. And on the upside, he looked at your phone, he found nothing of concern, and gave you the chance to tell him again how invested you are in your future. I think you have to be the bigger person and shrug this off.

And having been betrayed myself the answer to your above quote in my opinion is you have to own the responsibility of you working to make him trust you again for as very long as it takes - it might be for the rest of your relationship (however long that is before he walks our - or you walk out because you decide he is just too paranoid for you to live with any more) - but to be clear - the responsibility for rebuilding trust lies primarily with you on an indefinite basis. no, this is unfair and unreasonable.

He decided to go back, that was his decision. And while the OP needed to rebuild his trust her past doesn’t give him the implicit right to spend the rest of their lives holding her to account for that. If he can’t live with it then he should leave.

And it seems very clear he’s playing games. Snooping through her phone, and when she asks time and time again how she can make the relationship better he says that he’s happy with things the way they are. Sounds more like he’s happy with the thought of having her just where he wants her, totally controlling what she does, watching her every move while at the same time telling her there’s nothing wrong and that he’s happy. Yeah, obviously happy being able to hold this indiscretion against her for as long as he sees fit.

And yes, I would say this about a woman as well.