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Relationships

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Original poster

Doting aunt-to-be - but difficult relationship w/ sister-in-law

76 replies

Nunette · 13/09/2020 20:30

My first niece or nephew is due next month and I am thrilled! I've always wanted to be an aunt.

Unfortunately while I'm close to my brother and he comes over to see his nieces regularly (I have a 1 & a 3 year old), my sister-in-law and I don't get along. No one's fault, really, we are just not compatible. We've even had the occasional fight in the past. I'd say we are cordial now. I'd love for us to try and be closer, especially for the sake of my daughters as she's their only aunt and we have a very small family (my husband has no living relatives except his grandmother who is very old), but she's holding off, and she has that right.

But I desperately don't want our incompatibility to affect my relationship with my niece or nephew. I would love to babysit, I would love to spoil them, and I would love for the cousins to be close. But if the pregnancy is anything to go by, this won't be easy. Of course it's been more difficult to stay in touch with covid, so it is not so strange we have seen SIL only once in the past 8 months, but she's also, for example, refused to accept any of the (pre-loved & new) stuff I offered her.

My brother - who is in a difficult position here - says we will make it work, and that it is also important to him that our families stay close. But I am very worried about this. What advice would you give me?

OP posts:

MillyMollyFarmer · 13/09/2020 20:35

My advice would be to remember that it is her right not to want to be close with you, and for you not to be close to her baby. You obviously would love it, but other than continue to be nice and offer help etc there isn’t much you can do about it. Don’t put your brother in a hard situation, his wife has to come first. Forcing things like this through guilt or even subtle manipulation rarely works out well.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/09/2020 20:44

My advice would be listen, and bite your tongue.
Most people when criticised will go on the defensive. If you can actually acknowledge your part in the relationship breakdown and change things to meet half way then there might be a chance. And if you don't agree, then smile nod and say nothing.

It does sound like you're being full on, maybe try giving them a bit of space.

And recognise it's a positive your brother still seems to speak to you and have a decent relationship with you despite your differences with your SiL. I'd back off when the baby is born then see them through him when they are older. Dont pressurise them to see you when the baby is young and they're adjusting to parenthood and dont compare yourself to her siblings (eg complain her sister saw the baby first or sees more of them) as this stuff doesn't matter, and who spends the most on he baby or sees them most when they are little, doesnt have a bearing on who they are closest to in the long term.

My favourite and closest auntie and uncle live in different countries to me and did when I was young. They didnt spend much time with me when I was a baby. They never bought us birthday presents etc. But they played with us and made us laugh and listened to us when we were older children

luckylavender · 13/09/2020 20:58

Maybe she didn't want pre-loved family stuff. I didn't when I was pregnant & it didn't go down well. You do seem a little full on about your role as an auntie & it's her baby not yours.

Iggypoppie · 13/09/2020 21:14

I'm in a similar position with my own DSis. My DD is an only child and I wish she could see her 4 cousins more but my DSis and I don't get on.

Hard as it may be I'd assume minimal contact- perhaps birthdays and xmas etc. Maybe in a few years time she'll come round. When the kids are older they might be able to make their own arrangements.

The best way to proceed is slowly, with minimal expectations.

Pbbananabagel · 13/09/2020 21:18

Maybe send her some flowers when baby is born with a note that congratulates her specifically and let her know that you are here for her and baby if and when she needs anything. Try to see it as an opportunity to start afresh, because becoming a parent is a massive transformation and she will not be quite the same person after. You may find more common ground than before and be able to forge a better relationship. Give her space and focus on being a great sister in law rather than a great Aunty at first and then see what happens

Mum4Fergus · 13/09/2020 21:26

Your post is all about you and what you want. Your SIL is an adult and capable of making her own choices...you have to accept that they do not have to include you.

Figgygal · 13/09/2020 21:28

You coming across a bit intense there op
I’d step back before you look too keen and strain relationships even further

SandyY2K · 13/09/2020 22:24

I have to say if I was your SIL, I'd feel a bit ticked off that your motivation to have a relationship with me only is based on me having a baby.....it would show me you have no genuine interest in me and I'm more likely to pull away from you.

Does your SIL have nieces or nephews? If she does...depending on their age, she may not feel the need to have her child be close to yours.

Your best chance IMO... is the nature of your relationship with your DB...in terms of how close you are.

I'm very close to my siblings... and my nieces and nephews...which means our DC are also very close.

My DH is nowhere near as close to his siblings...meaning they're not close to our DC.

Perhaps when you visit after the baby is here... you could get a gift for her as well as the baby and maybe offer her the kind of support you would have liked as a new mum.

That way...you show that your care about her..not just that she's the vessel who brought your niece or nephew into the world.

espressoontap · 13/09/2020 23:15

Back off and give them space. It's not all about you.

mammmamia · 13/09/2020 23:27

Agree with others to give them space but you may find your relationship improves when she’s had a child. Children are the great leveller after all and I think can make a difference to previously tricky relationships.

mammmamia · 13/09/2020 23:29

That said, I cannot understand people who don’t care about cousins getting to know each other. I’m close to my cousins and in life it’s great to know there are people other than your siblings who’ve got your back, so I’ve always made a big effort to get my DC together with their cousins, both on my side and DH’s. you can’t have too many cousins!

Original poster

Nunette · 13/09/2020 23:45

Thanks for the advice so far! Some of it is very helpful.

Just to clarify:

SIL and I have known each other for almost 20 years, and she's been with my brother for 15 years. Classic childhood sweethearts. She's very close to my mum and dad as well. My brother and SIL will be my children's legal guardians if anything happens to us as appointed in our will. She is far more to me than the vessel who is bringing my nephew / niece into the world; we have a lot of history. Unfortunately a lot of it isn't great. We've both been dicks at one point or another. I'd love to be more friendly, but she isn't interested, and as I said, that is her right.

SIL has no other nieces or nephews. She does have a sister who she is very close to. She also has many good friends, some with children, so yes, I imagine her kid will have plenty of playmates.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nunette · 13/09/2020 23:54

I'm not sure what gives the impression here that I haven't given SIL space or am all over them? In the past two years, I've seen her perhaps 8 hours in total, always in larger company. I've messaged her privately once to congratulate her, and once to ask how she's doing.

My brother and I talk roughly once a week - not a scheduled thing, just whenever we have something to share - so his initiative as often as mine. Mostly non-family stuff (we work in the same field so).

OP posts:

Itisbetter · 13/09/2020 23:55

But you don’t get on? How can you expect to be offered a part of her child’s life. Do your children have this sort of relationship with her?

Original poster

Nunette · 14/09/2020 00:08

But you don’t get on? How can you expect to be offered a part of her child’s life. Do your children have this sort of relationship with her?

Not yet, to my regret. I am hoping it may get better as they get older and they can more easily spend time with her away from me. They have no other aunt, and I want them to feel like they're part of a loving family. I would love for them to be close, despite me not getting on with her.

OP posts:

DoesThisMakeSence · 14/09/2020 00:21

What have the fights actually been about?
Have they ever got physical?
Its great that you can see in time your children will find it easier to have a closer relationship with her away from you but until they are older- its difficult just now.
So its really just the same in reverse, right now it will be hard for you to see the baby without her but the older baby gets it may get easier

DillyDilly · 14/09/2020 00:25

I suppose she’s not really their aunt, it’s your brother that’s the link. This woman may not want to develop a close relationship with your children.

Original poster

Nunette · 14/09/2020 00:32

What have the fights actually been about?
Have they ever got physical?

Don't want to be too recognisable - she might already recognise herself. Most of it boils down to personality clashes. She is not a bad person. Neither am I (I would say that, though ).

Never been about anything serious, and it never got physical. One ugly name-calling shouting match a few years back - lots of pent up frustration. We did apologise to one another after that one.

OP posts:

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 14/09/2020 00:35

Don't be the source of all child rearing knowledge. My db's ex thought she had one over on me because she'd had her dc first. I didn't want to do things her way and she took it as an insult.

DoesThisMakeSence · 14/09/2020 00:41

Well thats great then!
If its just silly/immature issues that are not actually a big deal, then its never to late to start making the effort at building bridges. Maybe this little one might bring you both closer together.
Just dont come on too strong. But also dont get sucked into the position of alway being the giver i know i contradicted myself there
My fingers are crossed for you

MillyMollyFarmer · 14/09/2020 07:03

I'm not sure what gives the impression here that I haven't given SIL space or am all over them?

It’s the way you phrased your post... you’re going to be an aunt, you’re going to have a niece or nephew, you want a certain kind of relationship... you are not having a baby, your brother and his wife are. What kind of relationship ends up happening, will be largely decided by them. What you want for their child isn’t relevant. I’m always amazed when someone announces a pregnancy, at the ability of some to make it all about them.

Itisbetter · 14/09/2020 07:18

They have no other aunt, and I want them to feel like they're part of a loving family. but they aren’t. You don’t get on.

SalterWatcher · 14/09/2020 07:36

Ahh this is sad OP I get it - but issue is pregnancy isn't the right time to bring up these things cos hormones are running high.

Just give things time when the new baby is here there might be more family occasions etc and you might have more opportunities to get together.

Don't offer things anymore that are pre-loved just buy a main gift when baby is born - it will take time to repair whatever has happened - hoping the new baby will bring you all closer

Original poster

Nunette · 14/09/2020 08:11

but they aren’t. You don’t get on.

My daughters are individuals. I fully expect them to develop loving relationships with all sorts of people I might not get on with. Are your parents friends with everyone you love?

And I don't hate my SIL. I care about her and wish her all the best. I love her even - she's my brother's wife and they're a fantastic couple, and I've known her since we were kids. We're just incompatible as friends.

I’m always amazed when someone announces a pregnancy, at the ability of some to make it all about them.

What a strange thing to say. Of course this topic is about me and my feelings mostly. It is my topic. I can't report on what my SIL wants because I don't know. We don't talk beyond small talk, and I don't talk about her behind her back with anyone else. My brother, as I said in my OP, also hopes for a close relationship between the cousins. I know the pregnancy doesn't revolve around me.

OP posts:

AlmondsAndChocolate · 14/09/2020 08:13

I wouldn't try to change your relationship with your SIL. I'd try and keep it distanced but cordial, as it seems to be at the moment. Your SIL won't have a personality transplant once the baby is born, so things are unlikely to improve. If anything, they are likely to get worse - in my experience, children highlight incompatibilities between adults. I would try to build up a good relationship with your niece/nephew via your brother. It would be a shame if your DC didn't have a relationship with their cousin because their mothers don't get on. It happens a lot and I think it's really sad when adults take away the chance to build independent relationships from their children.

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