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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to handle...

38 replies

Lively12344 · 13/09/2020 19:44

I'm from a very stable family and not sure how to handle this situation. I am in a relatively new relationship where I've happily become stepmum to a beautiful 7YO.

Yesterday we were planning a family day out and my partner didn't like any of my suggestions. I asked him to think of ideas instead.He couldn't think of anywhere and said let's just go out anyway. On the road he told me to think of somewhere, to which I said I couldn't think of any more ideas.

Let's just say he went crazy. He was screaming at me, saying I cause all my own stress and repeatedly screamed at me that I'm just a c**t. I was horrified and so upset. I tried to keep my tears hidden but can't believe he did this. I've never seen anyone treat the person they love like this. He apologised but I am still so hurt and shocked by this. Not least that it was in front of his daughter. I don't know how to feel, if I'm overreacting by being so deeply hurt by it, etc etc. I admit I'm having a tough time of late but is this something I should brush off?

Any advice welcome x

OP posts:
lonelySam · 13/09/2020 19:46

Leave him. It will never get better. If it's a new relationship then you are not losing much.

SuzieCarmichael · 13/09/2020 19:48

D
U
M
P

N
O
W

Save yourself a world of heartache.

loonietoon · 13/09/2020 19:49

I've just left a man who was similar to this. Called all sorts of names in front of the kids. It will get worse - believe me! Leave now !

AmandaHoldensLips · 13/09/2020 19:52

ARSEHOLE ALERT

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2020 19:52

That would be it for me, and it sure as hell better spell the end for you, too. The mask has slipped and this is who he really is. It is only going to get worse from here.

Do not have a conversation or listen to any of his bullshit. End it, block him and move on.

redastherose · 13/09/2020 19:53

Definitely leave him, why would you stay with someone who screamed at you and called up you a cunt. You didn't do anything and you were treated appalling. Don't accept his apologies, he's done it once he'll do it again and he doesn't even mind treating you badly in front of his daughter.

TwentyViginti · 13/09/2020 19:53

Get rid. Sounds like one of those men with kids who get with a woman so she'll do the parenting. He's testing how far he can abuse and control you. Why did his relationship with his daughter's mother fail?

It's concerning you are in a relatively new relationship yet call yourself stepmum.

NotaWickedStepMum55 · 13/09/2020 19:53

I am so sorry for you. He has started yelling at you quite early on in your relationship. You are not used to being yelled at. You have every right NOT to be yelled at.

If you want to keep this relationship going, just tell him how you felt when he yelled at you and that the next time it happens you are gone. And stick to your guns. If he wants to control his temper, he will. If he doesn't or can't then you know what you have to do

VictoriaBun · 13/09/2020 19:53

He sounds like he is not worth the trouble .
But I also not call myself a step mum to a child in a new relationship

FippertyGibbett · 13/09/2020 19:54

Poor child, having to witness that situation.
Why would you want to stay with that, and why would you want your own children to grow up with that.

dollypartonscoat · 13/09/2020 19:54

Step mum? Confused

He abused you in front of his 7 year old daughter. He'll never change. Dump

Midnightsky1 · 13/09/2020 19:54

Good job you found out now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 19:54

How relatively new is this relationship?.

Leave now and do not ever go back to him. His apology is meaningless and he deserves no second chance. This is all on him and this is who he is. He is at the very least verbally abusive and you're now seeing this dark side to him. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

There is NO future for you in this relationship. He probably just wanted a female figure also to look after his child because he cannot be all that bothered.

winterchills · 13/09/2020 19:56

Leave now. It will never get any better me I'm talking from past experience.

Oryxx · 13/09/2020 19:56

He’s shown you who his is. End the relationship now for your own safety. This will only get worse.

Oryxx · 13/09/2020 19:56

*he is.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 13/09/2020 19:59

Good Lord. That is no way to treat a person. He either does not respect you, or has no self-regulation - either way, that's no good. If you 'brush off' being called a cunt to your face in front of a child, you are colluding in the view that you deserve it and potentially setting that child up to believe it too.

I would never accept this. You really shouldn't - it's awful. I'm so sad for you. He's not the man you thought he was ☹️

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2020 19:59

All he cares about is his own self and his image to the outside world. You are and mean nothing to him. He has no empathy for you whatsoever. Talking to such a man about how you feel is a complete waste of time and really about as effective as peeing in the ocean. He has no better nature and he knows how you feel. He does not care.

He does not likely act like this towards other people in the outside world; such abuse was reserved for his ex also. Such men hate women, all of them and now you as his current partner are his line of fire. It will remain so as long as you remain with him. Do not put yourself through this any more.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 13/09/2020 20:02

I am usually very Hmmwith the LTB mob- who seem happy to end a relationship for the slightest reason.. but this is not right OP.

There are a gazillion threads on here about how long to wait until you meet the children.. and the answer is always something ridiculous like a year.

I always argue against this because in my opinion I do not think you can know a partner WITH children UNTIL you have seen how he behaves WITH children. It's easy when it's just you two adults .. but how does he parent, how does he behave under a bit of stress .. how does he treat YOU in front of them.

ONLY after you have witnessed his behaviour with kids involved can you really know what kind of person he is.

Now you have your answer. Nasty. Verbally abusive , terrible parent who wants to put all the childcare choices and 'headspace' on you .. and gets angry and deeply inappropriate in front of his child when you don't 'perform' as he expects.

Dump dump dump.
You deserve a decent man.

oohmama · 13/09/2020 20:04

RUN, leave him
Right now
literally just block his number or something
It will get so much worse

And whatever you do, do not, I repeat DO NOT have a kid with him

YoBeaches · 13/09/2020 20:32

Gosh the poor child. I wonder if she saw this with her mum too.

You have to end it and walk away. And if I had the clout I'd contact the ex and tell her why so she has a view of how he is behaving when he has dd.

(Though reading your post I've made a wild assumption that there is an ex and he doesn't have full custody of dd)

crunchiebabe · 13/09/2020 20:35

Run away .... fast ..
He has shown you the real him... believe him.
It's not you , it's him.
If you don't leave now ... this will go on and on. You will start to doubt your own sanity.
Keep your head up high and walk , please .
You deserve better.
There are no circumstances under which that kind behaviour is acceptable.
His poor child

funnylittlefloozie · 13/09/2020 20:39

He is foul. Walk away. You absolutely do not need this nonsense in your life.

cakeandchampagne · 13/09/2020 20:41

It is not okay for anyone to treat you like that.
You can get help and get out of this relationship before he gets worse.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 13/09/2020 20:45

That poor child having such an abusive foul mouthed father. Definitely dump him, he's a horrible twat.

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