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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Compliments... why did he say this?

40 replies

QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 09:53

I've posted before about my boyfriend who never pays me compliments.

I've kind of got used to the no compliments thing. I'm not needy - I took the lack of them to mean that he wasn't attracted to me and considered ending it but, because of lockdown and the limitations, I've just gone along with the relationship. We bubbled and the company has been nice. We get on, I'm more relaxed around him and, tbh, I know what I look like and I really dont need 'validation' from him that I'm acceptable. He treats me with respect and we definitely take care of each other.

But something happened the other day that really stumped me.

We've been together for very nearly a year and in that time he's rarely said anything nice or complimentary to me (he's told I look nice a few times when I've made a particular effort but that's all). He doesnt criticise me, just no compliments.

Due to covid, my professional workplace have introduced a mandatory, uniform of leggings, trainers, polo shirt and hoody. It's not an attractive look and is certainly not a look he finds attractive! He's very stylish and likes elegant and well put together women. I'm not that at the best of times 😬

He picked me up from work the other day for the first time and I hadn't had time to change so I was wearing this. I had no make up on (i rarely wear it and never to work), my hair was unruly because I'd left for work with it wet and I looked haggard because I'd had little sleep over the past week. Plus I burnt my lip on hot cheese the other day and now have a really attractive scabby blister to show for it...

Anyway, for the first time in our entire relationship, during the evening he leant over kissed me and told me I looked "really pretty today".

I didn't. I'm fairly confident in my appearance but in no way did I look anything other than dreadful! For the first time, i actually felt really embarrassed and self conscious about the way I looked when i was with him.

I thanked him and joked about it being down to my new work look. But now I'm beginning to overthink it and can't for the life of me fathom why, after so many months of saying nothing, he told me I liked 'really pretty' when I objectively looked the worst i ever have in his presence Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 09:55

*looked

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 13/09/2020 09:58

Ask him?

Arrivederla · 13/09/2020 09:58

Ask him!

Pebblexox · 13/09/2020 09:59

Just ask him.

BabyLlamaZen · 13/09/2020 10:00

If you've been together that long surely you can say "how come you complimented me today after nothing for a year?"

Brianna83 · 13/09/2020 10:02

So you've posted before because he doesn't pay you any compliments (I've presumed this is along the lines of "why doesn't he pay me compliments" but I stand to be corrected) and now he pays you a compliment and you're not happy about that either?

Maybe you looked utterly awful and he thought you needed a pick me up? Maybe you had an inner radiance that he hadn't seen before? Maybe he's found your previous posts about wanting more compliments?

Sorry op but it sounds a lot like hard work to me.

GoldfishParade · 13/09/2020 10:05

I'm really torn on this.

On the one hand, the romantic in me wants to say that it's really touching because despite how you felt you looked, clearly to him you must have looked very pretty, and that's sweet.

On the other hand, you're being objective: we all know when we look like shit. You had a scab on your lip and in your own words looked "haggard", so even if you were movie star beautiful, you're hardly going to look prettier than when you've made a little effort, or even just unmade up and in your pyjamas after a shower.

I think my curiosity would get the better of me and I'd ask him outright.

Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:08

I know... but I don't want to ask him. I thought about that but I didn't want to make a big deal about it or draw attention to it really.

Part of me hopes it was just because he appreciated the fact I hadn't made any sort of effort and felt comfortable enough with him not to do so.

Part of me worries that it was just to ensure sex that night (although that's clearly never been dependent on him complimenting me before).

If he hadn't kissed me, I'd have thought it was a bit of a piss take.

When I initially told him I planned to get changed, because i didnt want to be with him in my work clothes, he asked me what I meant and seemed a bit put out. I just explained that I meant the covid risk and he seemed reassured by that. I thought that was a bit odd too.

I am aware I'm overthinking it.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:09

GoldfishParade

That's pretty much the size of it.

OP posts:
Florencex · 13/09/2020 10:09

My first thought (nearing in mind your own assessment of how you looked) was that maybe he was being sarcastic, although I don’t mean in a bad way, I mean in a jokey way. My DH has resembled Hagrid at times during lockdown / WFH and I might say something like “mmm you look gorgeous today.”

Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:11

now he pays you a compliment and you're not happy about that either?

It was the timing and circumstances of it that I found odd.

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 13/09/2020 10:12

My other half loves it when I don't wear makeup and in my comfies even though I much prefer my makeup on etc. And I've heard loads of situations where women get chatted up more when they look scruffy or sweaty out running etc. I would ask him!

It's definitely an issue that he never compliments you though.

DemiBourbon · 13/09/2020 10:12

Maybe he thought you might be feeling self conscious about the way you looked that day (scabby lip, not your usual dress etc.) and thought he’d try to boost your confidence? I wouldn’t look too much into it tbh.

Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:13

Florencex

I interpreted it similarly at the time which is why I made a joke about it in return but his tone wasn't in anyway sarcastic. It was quite genuine and matter of fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:16

Maybe he thought you might be feeling self conscious about the way you looked that day (scabby lip, not your usual dress etc.) and thought he’d try to boost your confidence? I wouldn’t look too much into it tbh.

That would.make sense if he'd ever said it before. But its the first time he's ever said it.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:18

It's definitely an issue that he never compliments you though.

I don't know... it's only really an issue now because we went out for a drink with some friends a couple of weeks ago and she told me I looked lovely.

I didn't know how to respond so i was really awkward! I realised it was the first time I'd heard something nice about myself in the past 6 months when lockdown started!

OP posts:
Sunnydaysstillhere · 13/09/2020 10:19

Maybe he had just missed you and wanted to show it? Maybe you looked more at ease /relaxed being in work mode and he found that attractive - especially if you are a bit nervy which it seems so.

Bufferingkisses · 13/09/2020 10:22

Maybe he just thought you looked pretty? Pretty is not the same as well dressed or nice make up or whatever it's just eye of the beholder, you look nice to me. Seriously, chill.

Hermanfromguesswho · 13/09/2020 10:22

I wonder whether you’ve misinterpreted what he prefers/likes and you are always wearing smart clothes, lots of make up etc. He saw you looking relaxed and natural and liked it! Perhaps the dressing up and putting on make up makes you act more unsure of yourself or less relaxed and he just really liked the natural relaxed you that was shining through! Would explain why he reacted to you getting changed too...

TheGirlWithAPrince · 13/09/2020 10:29

My husband prefers me with little makeup and in relaxed clothing as its different and he likes my hair in an unruly mess

Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:29

Hermanfromguesswho

Definitely not misinterpreted what he likes and I dont try to fulfill it either.

I don't really wear make up and, when I do, it's a bit of foundation, mascara and tinted lip gloss. I know he likes heels and 'chic' and stylish but I dress much like I did as a teen in little floral dresses, tights, docs and cardigans.

I was definitely not more relaxed in my work stuff! Grin

Pretty is not the same as well dressed or nice make up or whatever

That's a fair comment.

I was just surprised he'd chosen the first time I looked utterly dreadful to pay me the first compliment.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:32

My husband prefers me with little makeup and in relaxed clothing as its different and he likes my hair in an unruly mess

If i thought this were the case with him, I wouldn't question it. But this is how I often am... I'm not a well put together woman and I'm not preoccupied with prettifying myself. So for me to think I looked bad shows just how bad it was Wink

OP posts:
SquirrelFan · 13/09/2020 10:35

Maybe it's down to colour - your work uniform may be more flattering than the colours you normally prefer?

Original poster
QuietSunday · 13/09/2020 10:37

It's black. And was slightly grubby from being at work all day.

I looked pasty and haggard... and scabby Grin

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 13/09/2020 10:39

The thing that strikes me most of all is how un-relaxed you are with this person and, after a year, you clearly don't have a lot of faith in expecting niceness/support from them.

That's not a criticism by the way. More a 'trust your instincts' thing. There's a huge coldness I'm getting from your post which, to me, says you actually might not like a lot of things about him.