Compliments... why did he say this?

[QuietSunday]

I've posted before about my boyfriend who never pays me compliments.

I've kind of got used to the no compliments thing. I'm not needy - I took the lack of them to mean that he wasn't attracted to me and considered ending it but, because of lockdown and the limitations, I've just gone along with the relationship. We bubbled and the company has been nice. We get on, I'm more relaxed around him and, tbh, I know what I look like and I really dont need 'validation' from him that I'm acceptable. He treats me with respect and we definitely take care of each other.

But something happened the other day that really stumped me.

We've been together for very nearly a year and in that time he's rarely said anything nice or complimentary to me (he's told I look nice a few times when I've made a particular effort but that's all). He doesnt criticise me, just no compliments.

Due to covid, my professional workplace have introduced a mandatory, uniform of leggings, trainers, polo shirt and hoody. It's not an attractive look and is certainly not a look he finds attractive! He's very stylish and likes elegant and well put together women. I'm not that at the best of times 😬

He picked me up from work the other day for the first time and I hadn't had time to change so I was wearing this. I had no make up on (i rarely wear it and never to work), my hair was unruly because I'd left for work with it wet and I looked haggard because I'd had little sleep over the past week. Plus I burnt my lip on hot cheese the other day and now have a really attractive scabby blister to show for it...

Anyway, for the first time in our entire relationship, during the evening he leant over kissed me and told me I looked "really pretty today".

I didn't. I'm fairly confident in my appearance but in no way did I look anything other than dreadful! For the first time, i actually felt really embarrassed and self conscious about the way I looked when i was with him.

I thanked him and joked about it being down to my new work look. But now I'm beginning to overthink it and can't for the life of me fathom why, after so many months of saying nothing, he told me I liked 'really pretty' when I objectively looked the worst i ever have in his presence

FizzyGreenWater

Tbh, he's very supportive. And he's very kind and respectful. He just doesn't say nice things to me.

@FizzyGreenWater

That's really insightful. I agree with you. Also OP reading between the lines, your comments about bot being stylish like him, dressing like when you were a teenager, etc, all make me wonder if this relationship isn't actually dragging your self esteem down a little.

I wasn't very relaxed with him for a while. Since I accepted that it's just the way he is, it's bothered me less.

It just surprised me to hear it when he said it. Esp given it wasnt really warranted!

@FizzyGreenWater

Agree with this, I was also thinking that a year is quite a long time to be so focused on not getting compliments and then getting compliments. You seem very unsure of yourself in the relationship.

reading between the lines, your comments about bot being stylish like him, dressing like when you were a teenager, etc, all make me wonder if this relationship isn't actually dragging your self esteem down a little.

I dont know. All i was really trying to convey is that I haven't tried to mould myself into what I think he wants. I'm quite comfortable with how I dress.

If anything, i feel my self esteem is ok because I rely on myself and what I think rather than trying to please him. The lack of compliments thing bothered me initially because I interpreted it as a lack of attraction. But now I've accepted it's just not something he does.

It just surprised me that it came out of the blue amd was totally 'undeserved'.

Florencex

It's been a while since I was focused on it. Like I say, it doesn't bother me now. It just surprised me that he chose that point to say anything.

It's not like I'm anticipating or hoping or waiting for compliments. They're not a feature of the relationship and that's fine. Which is why it seems odd.

There could be lots of reasons for this, some due to you and some due to him.

1. He gives you intermittent reinforcement because he wants to keep you uncertain and off balance.

1. He just doesn’t get the whole needing to feel desirable thing so doesn’t regularly compliment you for that reason, but on this occasion just felt the impulse to say it.

1. He intuits the fact that you have a need to feel desirable and he finds it off putting so he doesn’t indulge it, but this time you weren’t making any effort to be desirable whatsoever and he thinks you’re more desirable when not trying.

1. Linked to number 1: He complimented you when you were at your east desirable because he feels insecure when you look hot, so when you look hot he worries that you’ll find somebody better.

Perhaps he just had a rush of affection/love when he saw you and just said what he did as a way of expressing that.

Does he ever actually say that he loves you?

My DP once came into the bathroom to get something when I was on the toilet naked and he suddenly kissed me, saying I looked beautiful . Sometimes I look at DP and, because I love him deeply, his face just looks so handsome! Even if he's grubby or tired. It might have been a sudden realisation that he has deep feelings for you, and it came out in a compliment when you least expected it.

Whatisthisfuckery

Those are pretty much the conclusions i have drawn. I never fish for compliments though.
I've never asked him if he thinks I look nice or sought reassurance over anything. That's not really in my nature.

Does he ever actually say that he loves you?

No. Neither of us have said it. We clearly care about each other though. And, over the last two weekends, he'ss driven me all over the place looking for a new car. Including spending far more time than i have researching them for me. I'm assuming he wouldnt do that for everyone..?

DrFoxtrot

That made me laugh. It would be nice to think that was the reason.

Does he compliment any other aspect of you, e.g. saying you're clever, funny, kind etc?

I wonder if he's trying to unbalance you, it certainly has done anyway

Catapultme

Not really. He makes statements of fact but I don't know if they're intended as compliments.

So he comments positively on the fact I'm intelligent and I know he wouldn't be with me if I weren't. He always tells me he's enjoyed meals I've cooked. He's commented on the fact I'm obviously a good parent based on how my children are. He thanks me and acknowledges if I've been considerate or kind towards him or others. That type of thing. He acknowledges me but doesnt compliment. If that makes sense. There's no warmth in it and they're not intended to 'flatter' me. They're just, as he sees it, factual observations.

But likewise, I would never say, "oh I'm terrible at X" or "I look awful today" or whatever in order to gain reassurance or flattery and I never have done.

He's just asked me what I did to my lip. I told him and he said he hadn't noticed before. Clearly it doesn't look as bad as I thought!

I don't think he's trying to unbalance me but, you're right, it has.

Nust because it was so out of the blue and seemed so unlikely!

Now see this would worry me

You make an effort and he’s not bothered but you in your scruffy work outfit with burnt lip and suddenly he’s all nice Mm

I’d be concerned that he’s moulding you and trying to ruin your self confidence trying to turn you into a non confident woman who has to ‘rely’ on him
Watch out for comments like ‘you don’t need make up’ and ‘but I like Grey hair‘
‘ no one else will want you’

Tread carefully op

See I’m not usually slow to say when I think a man is behaving out of order, but it sounds to me like he’s just not the lovey dovey shower you with flattery type.

I’d just stay vigilant to red flags if I were you OP. Not in a constantly worrying trying to catch him out kind of way, just a being alive to the dynamics of your relationship kind of way, like we all should. Follow your gut if you thnk something is off.

Deeds are important, not words, so if he’s otherwise a decent partner, and it sounds like he is, then just enjoy it. It would be more worrying if he was showering you with flattery and gifts TBH, because that is unsettling in itself.

I think it's cute. One of my exs much preferred me without make up and hair pulled back. He said he saw the me others didn't see.