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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I will get that smoking gun if it kills me!!

39 replies

MiddleOfTheRide · 12/09/2020 23:24

I have been married for 20 years to the perfect man. Or so I though. He’s been looking up prostitutes, hook up sites, evidence of fake Snapchat, instagram, Facebook, emails. I could kick myself hard that I confronted him straight away. Of course he was only ever looking and I had it all wrong.
I have ‘given him another chance’. He is over the moon, I really believe he does actually loves me and didn’t want us to break up. But it’s all an act in my part.
He’s very well paid so my life, and more importantly, my kids live will be easier. But I have to be honest, my main motivation is for him to think the dust has settled and get back to his old ways. And I am watching and waiting. I’ve already found evidence he’s looking again. Is it wrong that I am excited to find the smoking gun. Then I’ll fucking shoot him with it. (When the kids exams are over)

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 12/09/2020 23:27

Why? I didn't think you were able to get any better outcome from a divorce that way.

Maybe wait on timing for the kids (if under a year or so to wait), but how does living like this help you?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/09/2020 23:27

What is a smoking gun?

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2020 23:28

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

What is a smoking gun?
Evidence.
BlueThistles · 12/09/2020 23:29

you have the evidence.. what more do you want? get a SHL and end this 🌺

slipperywhensparticus · 12/09/2020 23:29

Will it matter? When your kids turn 18 you lose your leverage anyway

Get it done now

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2020 23:30

I think if this is helping get you through staying as long as you need to for the kids op, then fine but don't let it take over your life or turn you neurotic.

O can understand it's easier than focusing on the pain of betrayal or the fear of what comes next, and it will be more satisfying to say "it's over and I know you did this" than to end it on "suspicions".
But it would be v easy for this to become the centre of your universe, every move he makes to be analysed and recorded by you , searching his pc etc to become a fixation

Just take care of you x

NewAutumnName · 12/09/2020 23:33

I am so sorry he has betrayed you. It hurts.

Leave him for your own sanity.

Good luck with everything

TorkTorkBam · 12/09/2020 23:33

Hard evidence will make fuck all difference in the divorce. That's not how divorce works.

You are fighting a shadow and for no reason.

Anordinarymum · 12/09/2020 23:34

OP What do you want from this ?

Do you want to leave him ?

Could you happily live alongside him but not as a partner any more?

You do not deserve to pay the price for his stupidity by being made poor. Make sure you are going to be financially OK. It sounds mercenary I know but you have done nothing wrong.

Look at your options is what I am saying

Spied · 12/09/2020 23:34

Use him for as long as you want to OP.
Then discard.

Haffdonga · 12/09/2020 23:35

Why? You know he's already done it. What do you gain from waiting for him to do it again? What difference does more evidence make except more hurt?

BillywilliamV · 12/09/2020 23:38

You only have one life, much healthier to just get out there and live it!

campeachy · 12/09/2020 23:41

If you want to hurt him like he's hurt you, get a SHL when he's least expecting (around now) and take him for all you can get.

He's not going to be as upset as you hope when he's caught again. And he'll be fine with his good income.

If you want to play him at his own game, then carry on as you are (like he is) but get your ducks in order, get a lawyer and then shoot the fucker with the divorce and a lawyer who has an truck load of other guns.

You've been horrifically betrayed OP. He's a shot. You'll be freer when you don't have to look at his face every day.

campeachy · 12/09/2020 23:42

*play him at his own game = putting your own interests front and centre of your life whilst pretending to do otherwise.

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/09/2020 23:44

You are fighting a shadow and for no reason

Agreed.

He would still like if you walked in on him with his cock stuck in someone else.

Seems like a huge waste of time when you can get a divorce settlement and child maintenance???

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2020 23:47

Just get away from him and move on. That’s the best revenge.

What exams are you talking about?

user1481840227 · 13/09/2020 05:35

That's really not healthy.
You should be concentrating on how you're going to build a future without him, not sitting in wait for the perfect piece of evidence that won't actually achieve anything!

Original poster
MiddleOfTheRide · 13/09/2020 08:16

Thank you for the replies. I think I really just wanted somewhere to share as I haven’t told a single person about any of this.
I’ve put myself in a really stupid position. I haven’t worked for the whole of our marriage and he deals with everything to do with money. Apart from a joint account where he puts money for bills and spending, I didn’t have a clue what we have.
Also emotionally I trusted him 100% and finding all this rocked me to the core.
I feel like I am safest here for the time being. I can work on myself in the ‘security’ of our life being back on track. But I kind of feel I have pressed the reset button on all of this shit and do what I should have done in the first place now that I am not in shock and coughing up every discovery.
I am getting details of everything financial I can lay my hands on, watching what he’s up to online, and I’m starting to feel stronger.
We still get on very well. I’m so sad he has done this to our family as (although this is now a sham for me) it feels so normal.
I know though that he thinks he has got away with it and probably feels very clever and that’s the one thing I most look forward to - proving I was right.
Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 13/09/2020 08:40

OP you do know that his actions won’t impact a divorce settlement. Fault does not equate to having to contribute more. So if that is your motivation, you’re just driving yourself crazy and dragging it out on yourself

If you’re waiting until the kids are more settled (exams over) or you’re getting your ducks in a row to ensure most equitable division of assets, then by all means you’re on the right track for waiting. Neither of these approaches though require you to get even more proof. You’re not doing yourself any good finding out about each instance. You’ll only be hurting yourself.

Keratinsmooth · 14/09/2020 14:17

Keep talking on here, you will get a lot support dvd advice from others.

How old are your DC?

Keratinsmooth · 14/09/2020 14:18

I understand you wanting proof, do this on your terms.

PinkMonkeyBird · 14/09/2020 15:10

Your kids will be totally fine if you split, so if you 'have a plan' to use the evidence then why not use the time constructively?

Use the time to get the finances sorted, get out there and gain some financial independence. Don't do it for the kids, do it for yourself!

IveGotFrills · 16/09/2020 14:58

How are you op?

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2020 15:03

Honestly it just sounds like a way to justify the fact you’re staying and not leaving him op. And you’re staying for the money. I think that’s your main motivation and not the smoking gun

You may as well be honest with yourself.

unmarkedbythat · 16/09/2020 15:21

Christ, OP, whilst I agree your H is a major arsehole who has behaved appallingly, I'm not sure your route won't end up hurting you more in the long run.

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