I will get that smoking gun if it kills me!!

[MiddleOfTheRide]

I have been married for 20 years to the perfect man. Or so I though. He’s been looking up prostitutes, hook up sites, evidence of fake Snapchat, instagram, Facebook, emails. I could kick myself hard that I confronted him straight away. Of course he was only ever looking and I had it all wrong.
I have ‘given him another chance’. He is over the moon, I really believe he does actually loves me and didn’t want us to break up. But it’s all an act in my part.
He’s very well paid so my life, and more importantly, my kids live will be easier. But I have to be honest, my main motivation is for him to think the dust has settled and get back to his old ways. And I am watching and waiting. I’ve already found evidence he’s looking again. Is it wrong that I am excited to find the smoking gun. Then I’ll fucking shoot him with it. (When the kids exams are over)

If you do end up divorcing you will need to support yourself financially. Any lasting financial payments can be reduced/stopped after a year for you. You'd still have the CMS for the kids (although I'm not sure who you're "family" is).

So my number one job would be retraining now ready for if the shit hits the fan.

I'd open an online-only bank account in a totally different bank and start siphoning of funds (little be little) aiming for 6 months rent and living costs.

Then I'd see a few of the best lawyers I could find and see how the land really lies.

I'd be getting on the financial information I could find - mortgage, investments, pensions, salary assets etc - and I'd want all that before I was the lawyers.

Thank you again for the replies. I have read through and thought very carefully about my motive for this.
The pp who said I am staying for money is probably right in a respect. I sound so naive but I just totally trusted him to do the right thing by us. I have never earned a penny or arranged a single financial thing. We agreed at the start I would look after everything to do with the kids and house and it’s worked well until now. I just buy shopping knowing he’s put money in and that’s the extent of my financial involvement. He works, the kids get looked after and everyone is happy. Until this juggernaut hit my life.
So in this respect yes I am scared to be single.
We are mid forties. The ‘kids’ are teenagers, one doing gcse this year, the other has a levels this year.
I think the main thing though is finding proof for my sanity. People who have been a victim of gaslighting will hopefully understand this. You find something and they admit to what they have to. “Only looking - I would never do that to you”
Then you find something else “must have been a link” then something else “you’re seeing things that aren’t there. I’m getting worried about you now. You know I would never do this” then something else “look I’m getting fed up with this now, you should maybe see someone”
Then you end up crying with sheer frustration. You know what you have seen but surely he wouldn’t make you out to be mad. Maybe you are mad?
I really need to find my smoking gun so I have something concrete to prove to myself I was right, and he has done all of this to me.
Assuming I am not mad that is. It’s horrible.
Sorry, that was long and I feel so pathetic.

I think the main thing though is finding proof for my sanity. People who have been a victim of gaslighting will hopefully understand this. You find something and they admit to what they have to.

If he's a gaslighter there will never be proof that he will accept. Never. You could show him CCTV of him having sex with someone in front of the TV news with the time and date on and he would still find a way to tell you that wasn't him, wasn't then, you're mad...

If you need to prove it to yourself- you already have. You already know what he does, who he is.

Well that's full on gaslighting on top of everything else. No wonder you're all over the place.

I really wouldn't try to play some long head game on this. It'll only confuse you and make you crazy. Is there a way to see a solicitor without him knowing where the money went? You somehow need to find a way to get out of this in as straightforward a manner as possible.

@MiddleOfTheRide

Thank you again for the replies. I have read through and thought very carefully about my motive for this. The pp who said I am staying for money is probably right in a respect. I sound so naive but I just totally trusted him to do the right thing by us. I have never earned a penny or arranged a single financial thing. We agreed at the start I would look after everything to do with the kids and house and it’s worked well until now. I just buy shopping knowing he’s put money in and that’s the extent of my financial involvement. He works, the kids get looked after and everyone is happy. Until this juggernaut hit my life. So in this respect yes I am scared to be single. We are mid forties. The ‘kids’ are teenagers, one doing gcse this year, the other has a levels this year. I think the main thing though is finding proof for my sanity. People who have been a victim of gaslighting will hopefully understand this. You find something and they admit to what they have to. “Only looking - I would never do that to you” Then you find something else “must have been a link” then something else “you’re seeing things that aren’t there. I’m getting worried about you now. You know I would never do this” then something else “look I’m getting fed up with this now, you should maybe see someone” Then you end up crying with sheer frustration. You know what you have seen but surely he wouldn’t make you out to be mad. Maybe you are mad? I really need to find my smoking gun so I have something concrete to prove to myself I was right, and he has done all of this to me. Assuming I am not mad that is. It’s horrible. Sorry, that was long and I feel so pathetic.

I 100% identify with what you've set out in the later part of your message about gaslighting.

I have cried many times through this sheer frustration you describe. I've continually made matters worse for myself by searching for - and finding - more 'evidence' for which he always has an answer. I made the mistake of confiding in someone in RL who initially was very shocked at some of the bits I told her. I say initially because, after she'd confronted him about it, she came back to me telling me 100% he was innocent, and it made me feel like I was losing my mind.
Please don't feel pathetic.
Do you feel strong enough to ask him how he would feel if he'd found these bits of evidence on your device?

What a slimeball.
Can I just urge you not to let your lives become ruled by this, though. 'Staying for the kids' isn't always as simple as it might seem. They may pick up on a change in atmosphere, which could well be more unsettling than a separation. Take it from someone who knows!
My parents chose to wait until our exams were over before separating, but I'm talking a few years, and it just wasn't a nice household to be in.
If you know you want to leave, give yourself and the kids the best possible chance of settling as soon as possible, and sort things out now.
Other than anything else, as much as you might not be thinking about dating anyone else at the moment, the longer you're with this guy, the more you might miss out on your 'happy ever after', if that makes sense.

@MiddleOfTheRide I understand why you want that proof, how much you need it and why, but @unmarkedbythat is right you'll never get it. And even if you did, if he couldn't find any other way to twist it it would become your fault. The only time Ive come close to getting an apology/admission of guilt from DH he said, sorry BUT actually not sorry. It was apparently all my fault because of the way I treat him. He could be having sex right in front of you and it would still be your fault because as far as he was concerned you made him do it. And you'd end up questioning yourself again wondering if he was right.

It’s important that you have identified financial security as your main goal.

See a lawyer to identify at what point it becomes counterproductive to this goal. If you wait out too long you will lose CM at your DCs ages - but you a half way house might be to get to exams next June. If this was your timeframe to leave - you would need to do and also could do a significant amount of leg work to get yourself in a better position (legal stuff, re training).

Redirect your anger / negative energy from the futile pursuit of getting a gaslighter to apologise/feel remorse - towards busy positive productive activities that will support your new life (and hit him where it really hurts in his pocket - IMHO the earlier you divorce the better for you financially)

However keep your powder dry to keep your advantage. See a an expensive top lawyer (some will run a tab if there are obvious assets) - see this as a return on investment.

Get emotional support via a therapist to carry you through.

I was the same op. So I completely understand why you need rock solid proof. I spent weeks trying to find something that couldn't be explained away, or couldn't say 'I was just looking, we're just friends', I did eventually find out and the relief was incredible, I wasn't going mad, I wasn't seeing things that weren't there.

I was going to reply individually but I lose my text every time I try to scroll up.
To the posters who have been through gaslighting, I’m sorry you have been there but it’s such a relief to know people understand how I feel.
I can barely function through anxiety some days (although it’s slowly getting better). sometimes just going to Sainsbury’s makes me feel ill, which is probably why I can’t think about doing life by myself.
I think other pp have a valid point that I don’t have long left before the kids are adults so I should look for what I can get now.
I think I am going to confide in my friend and ask her to come to see a solicitor with me. I suppose I could set a deadline of when my youngest exams are over. If I find my proof by then great, if not then I know I won’t be putting myself through this hell Indefinitely.
Also if I tell my friend it will become more real.
Thank you all so much for your advice. I don’t feel so alone now, and it’s made me see that I need to consider more than finding proof (although I would love to!).
I will phone my friend in a minute. I’m shaking already!

I got one sentence in and burst out crying. She’s coming over now.

I think you’ve got to put your big girl knickers on and sort your shit out for yourself. And I say this kindly as I’ve just gone through it.

Exdh managed to get away with so much shit because I didn’t have ‘concrete’ proof. There was an accusation off some one he was going to see prositutes whilst I was pregnant. He swore blind he hadn’t, cried blah blah and I got passed it because I wasn’t ready to leave. Although I knew at the back of my mind it was probably true. We can ignore lots of things when it suits us. But this will gnaw away at everything - the rot as set in. Start preparing for your exit.

Your never going to smacked across the face with the truth - well you’ve already caught him searching for prostitutes. Do you really need to see them having sex? Your DH is a deceiver - so was my ex. Nothing is true not even your life when you live with a deceiver.

Ring up a solicitor and ask for advice. Open up a online bank account ( some are really easy to open) and start putting bits of money away if you can.

Start looking for work or training. Have a look at what you’d be entitled to if you needed to go on UC.

The book ‘Too good to leave too bad to stay’
Is a really good book. I really recommend it.

That’s a brilliant thing to have done.

It makes it reality and takes you out of your gaslighting / FOG / smoke and mirrors world that you in inhabit with your DH.

Looking for the proof keeps you stumbling around - getting obsessed and consumed - wasting value time, energy, headspace and emotions - and you will never get satisfaction - even if you walked in on him shagging he would literally say - it’s not how it looks - it was an accident - this is the first time - it’s your fault ...... because he believes in his own deluded, selfish lies and entitlement.

Wishing you comfort and focus.

I’m glad you’re getting real life support.

I understand needing proof - for whatever reason. For me, I think it was because I wanted to prove that he was a liar.

I never had my proof - only a fuckton of circumstantial evidence. Even the text message booking an appointment with a prostitute - “but I never went through with it, I promise.”

Then, one day I found more of that sort of thing - though actually from a couple of years previously, old phone.

He started on with, “I never actually...” and I just said (and more importantly felt) “don’t you realise that doesn’t matter? Looking I’d enough.”

And I divorced him.
I can’t tell you how free I felt, no longer creeping around looking for the smoking gun, or thinking about it.