How do you mother a girl? (V long !)

[OrmIrian]

Because I?ve come to the conclusion that I actually don?t know. I was looking at the toxic parents thread and it struck as chord with me. My mother didn?t really bother with me ? she loved me (I always knew that) but I was always aware that she was as much of a child, as vulnerable and insecure, as I was. She never played with me ? she did things like flashcards with me, she read to me, she took me out to places, she let me help her round the house, but she never ever got down on her knees and played. My older brother was quite difficult at times ? moody, very demanding, struggled at school, emotionally volatile ? I was 100% the opposite. My mum left me to get on with it, in order to deal with my brother?s problems. I always felt that she cared more for him than me but just accepted that was the case. Mum never shared girly stuff with me, I was more likely to learn how to give a sheep a worming treatment than apply make-up . She didn?t wear make-up or worry about clothes ? so I?ve tended to follow in her footsteps. Don?t draw attention to yourself being the most important thing. I now find it hard to have a natural loving relationship with her, it?s always been a bit false. She?s the last person in the world I?d tell something private. Even now I?m the one that lives nearby and sees them often, DB lives in N Wales and only comes down to see them 3 or 4 times a year. In spite of all her trying DB resents my mum and struggles to be civil to her .

Which is all water under the bridge ? until now I?ve realised that the same pattern is repeating itself. DS#1 has problems with school and is very emotionaly volatile. DH and I seem to spend a lot of energy sorting out his problems. DD is a ?good? child who does everything well and gets on with life so it?s very tempting to just let her get on with it. Things tend to be set to suit DS#1, DD tends to follow along. The situation is made harder because we also have a younger child who takes a lot of my time and attention. DD is now following so closely in my footsteps it?s frightening ? she refuses to wear dresses and hates pink! She tells me she wants to be a boy. She is always the one who helps out and takes charge of DS#2 if necessary. I do try to do special things, just with her, but DS#2 always wants to come too. DH finds him hard work so more often than not I end up with DD and DS#2. When we are together she chatters 10 to the dozen and seems to love it but she often ends up being disappointed with what we do, and ends up in tears over something or other. It?s all so complicated. She was in floods of tears over something last night and the only way I could calm her was to get into bed with her and cuddle her to sleep. Is that what she needs? She isn?t a cuddly child at all usually but is that just a reaction to the situation she finds her self in. I really don?t want to have the relationship with her as an adult that I have with my mother.

So how do you parent a girl? I don?t actually think that I know. I?ve been trying to parent all three of them the same but in that scenario DD misses out I think.

Damn those pesky question marks!!! They're meant to be '

Do you talk? Talking is key, I find. They often talk to you more when you're doing something together without all the others being there -- cooking, driving somewhere, even in the bath. Then you can get a handle on what kind of personality she is, and how she really feels or what she wants. My dd1 is very similar to me in personality, which is good in lots of ways as I can understand what makes her tick, but I do make a point of letting her know that she can be different from me and that's ok too.

Wanting to be different from your own mum is probably half the battle (I've had that too), but talking is probably 90% of the rest. Really. And it gets harder as they get closer to teenagerdom, so the earlier you start the better. Do you have any extra childcare help to give you a hand with your boys to free up some time for you?

Thanks frogs. No I don't. Only Dh and he works from 7am to about 6pm. And sometimes weekends. But I think I am going to have to insist that he lets DD and I spend more time alone together. He does it often enough with DS#1 - but that's partly because we both worry about him so much.

We do talk but I think I might be guilty of letting it wash over me. I'm always so frantically busy that I find it hard to switch off enough to listen. That is something that has to change.

How old is yr dd?

Just popping in to note the weird semantic quirk which makes "to mother" and "to father" totally different things. ("I fathered a child" vs. "I mothered a child" - hmm!)

Not that I'm any expert, but I do try to make special time for my middle child who is my eldest daughter,even if its a walk with the dog when my DH gets home, or a quick trip to the shops, cake baking and so on. I find it easier round special occasions, her birthday etc, as we can do clothes shopping or just go out and about, so that we can have chat time. Neither of my girls like pink, (which I am so glad about, I dunno how I would cope with girlie girls!) and I make sure she has frinds over regularly as lots of chat goes on over tea and they can be girlies together.
Just try for little and often, it may help.
And yes I gather things get harder at high school age, so go for it now!!!
Good luck.

It was only meant in the sense that as a woman my parenting will be 'mothering'. I did debate about using 'parenting' but decided that it wouldn't be sufficient for what I meant. I am concerned about my relationship with my DD, not DH's.

However I take your point.

cherrycake - I do those things. But if it's at home then DS#2 is always involved and tends to take over.

I think I will have to make time for things outside of the house.

can you make a semi regular slot to spend some one on one time? go out for breakfast or lunch, even the supermarket shop together, but try to do this with each of your DC? We try to spend time alone with each of our children, don't always succeed though, but friends with older children say it really helps build their relationships.

Agree with whoever it was that said as you are aware you want to do it differently to your mum means you have already won half the battle

Cinema, (dreadful bratz movie, DS2 may not fancy it!), ice skating, window shopping trips, trip to the ballet, swimming, leaf collecting, making it clear how dull it would be for DS2! Or have a 'rota' of one-to-one time, so they know they will all get some time with you?
Wish I had a magic wand for you!

panda - that is what DH does with our eldest. He sometimes does it with DD but not often. I am going to have to be a bit more demanding and make him have our youngest so that DD and I get sometime together. She goes riding on Saturday - I might take her out for a trip to our local garden centre to look at the pets and have some tea and cakes afterwards It's a start.

The thing that was really bothering me was what several people here have mentioned, that's it's harder when they are teenagers. I don't want to miss the boat.

8 is a funny age, OI -- they get odd little bouts of hormonal moodiness. But young enough to mean you've got the chance to make your relationship closer before hitting the whole teenagey thing.

I'll ask dd1 when she comes back from school what makes a difference to her. From my perspective, I think the fact that she feels understood and listened to are important -- I can usually tell when there's something up with her, and will try to extract it. She's not a pushy or demanding child, and often won't volunteer when she wants or needs something, so I spend quite a bit of time letting her know that it's okay to ask for things (not just material stuff), and the worst I can say is No, and I won't be cross with her for asking.

I also try really hard not to overburden her with childcare for ds and dd2. And to make it clear to her that I really appreciate the things she does do (she'll often bath dd2 and get her ready for bed, for example, or help ds with his homework -- and he tends to need quite a bit of help, so it's quite an undertaking). In return I'm quite generous with her in terms of privileges and money, on the basis that she's making quite an adult contribution to the running of the domestic setup. We also do have occasional days or afternoons out together, and if I have to eg. take her to the orthodontist or for a music exam, I'll often take her out to lunch afterwards. So a combination of letting her know that I value what she does and that I enjoy her company for its own sake. I think between 8 and 12 is a real shift towards a more adult relationship, and it's worth getting right at that age, as I suspect it's harder to pick up later.

FWIW, dd1 did the dressing like a boy thing for years, from about 7 onwards. By the time she was 10 she looked as if she'd just been pulled out of a skip most days. But I remember my mum giving me a massively hard time at a similar age about my choice of clothes, so I swore to myself I wouldn't repeat that with dd1, and stuck to it. Thinking back, she did quite often ask my opinion, and I do remember saying a lot, "Well, it's not my favourite thing, but you've got to wear it, and if you're happy that's fine." I also spent a lot of time talking through choices with her, eg. "Well, if they're teasing you about having hairy legs, you can either ignore it, or you can wear trousers or tights to cover it up, or we can do something about it. You have to decide which you want to do."

hth my mum was quite emphatically not a good mother, in general but to me in particular, and I've worked quite hard to not be in the same situation with my own dc. I think there are issues specific to girls, but probably also very variable according to the personality of the particular girl I suspect my issues with dd2 at the same age will be completely different!

With my DD I have found cuddles at bed time and just letting her get what she wants to say off her chest works well. She doesn't want or need this every night but when she does it seems to help. Also, it can be special time just for her as her DBs won't be there.

I think being aware of the problem is half the battle because you can make sure you make time for her.

Message withdrawn

Thanks frogs "my mum was quite emphatically not a good mother, in general but to me in particular" is something that I've only really started to understand about my mum. I love her dearly but not as a daughter should love her mother I think. And I'm terrified of being the same. So many of the things she did are also the things I've been doing. And it needs to stop.

What about a photo session together - go to a photo booth or take snaps of the two of you in the park and then put them in a frame or an album. Or start a scrapbook with her and put pictures and mementos in it of days out (eg receipts etc). It can be your special 'thing' together.

I'll look for that alittle one. Thankyou

taxing - that is scary! Bedtimes is one of the most fraught areas in our house. DS#1 isn't a great reader so I've got into the habit of still reading to him (he's 10). We both love it TBH. DS#2 has just started at school so he gets the old bedtime routine too. DD doesn't usually want me to read to her these days so she tends to get a quick kiss and a goodnight . Something else that needs looking at I think.

Funny how these things happen without you realising.

Like it scattercushion! I think she would too. Perhaps I'll get her one of those throwaway cameras for her to use as she wants when we have a day out.

Cuddles were the right thing, Omrian, you let her know that you cared, of course we all need that sometimes.

I identified with a lot of the OP except that my Dd (also in middle with demanding brothers) can be demanding in her own right despite a generally passive nature, does love pink and looking pretty -- this is bewildering as I am almost indifferent to style/looking good. I haven't tried to wear makeup in 20+ years. I can't help but wonder if some of Omrian's DD's behaviour is just hard-wired... maybe she is just a steady character, and really doesn't like pink!?

DD (6) says often recently that she wants me to show her how to be an adult. I reply that there are lots of ways to do it so she doesn't have to try to be exactly like me.

I do make a point of talking to DD about "girlie" things that DH and the DSs just don't "get". Like a MN thread will link to some shoes and I'll call DD over to talk about whether "we" like them or not, too. Also, I enjoy the few times a year when she needs clothes and we have a shopping day out, just the 2 of us. The day out is all about her, I don't look for anything for me as I barely care what I wear, but I am happy to support her in being interested in clothes, make-up, how her hair is, etc.

Visit to garden centre cafe after riding lesson Saturday sounds ideal, Omrian. You're just creating the opportunity for her to know she's special.

I agree that 8 is a funny age with girls. they seem to get upset easily.. almost like pre hormonal behaviour.

I agree that talking is good. And take opportunities to tell her how much you love her.. how proud you are of he.. how much that colour suits her, what a lovely picture she has done, can you put it on the wall in the kitchen/bedroom? Give quick, spontaneous cuddles as well as occasionally cuddling her to sleep... try to find time to read to her sometimes, not just her read to you.

I struggle too. DS2 has SN and is VERY high maintenance. DD (8) is used to getting on with things on her own and getting the short straw when it comes to attention. I try to compensate in little ways.

You sound like a good mother by the way.

Thankyou shiny Sadly I don't think that I am. I was until DS#2 arrived. I'm a good housekeeper, cook and general do-er, I'm good at my job, but not that hot as a mother But that is going to change.

I do tell her that I love her, that she is beautiful and clever and that she does wonderful drawings (she is all those things and then some!). But she doesn't seem to like that - maybe false modesty? Not wanting to be the centre of attention. She doesn't like me to read to her - that's part of the problem. If she did it would be an ideal oppurtunity to spend time with her. I'm so busy rushing about trying to do everything that i find it hard to sit still and just be, unless I have specific task to do. That is one of my problems that I need to tackle for her as well as for me.

Looks like you've answered your own question Orm.

Good luck, you'll (both) be fine