Because I?ve come to the conclusion that I actually don?t know. I was looking at the toxic parents thread and it struck as chord with me. My mother didn?t really bother with me ? she loved me (I always knew that) but I was always aware that she was as much of a child, as vulnerable and insecure, as I was. She never played with me ? she did things like flashcards with me, she read to me, she took me out to places, she let me help her round the house, but she never ever got down on her knees and played. My older brother was quite difficult at times ? moody, very demanding, struggled at school, emotionally volatile ? I was 100% the opposite. My mum left me to get on with it, in order to deal with my brother?s problems. I always felt that she cared more for him than me but just accepted that was the case. Mum never shared girly stuff with me, I was more likely to learn how to give a sheep a worming treatment than apply make-up . She didn?t wear make-up or worry about clothes ? so I?ve tended to follow in her footsteps. Don?t draw attention to yourself being the most important thing. I now find it hard to have a natural loving relationship with her, it?s always been a bit false. She?s the last person in the world I?d tell something private. Even now I?m the one that lives nearby and sees them often, DB lives in N Wales and only comes down to see them 3 or 4 times a year. In spite of all her trying DB resents my mum and struggles to be civil to her .
Which is all water under the bridge ? until now I?ve realised that the same pattern is repeating itself. DS#1 has problems with school and is very emotionaly volatile. DH and I seem to spend a lot of energy sorting out his problems. DD is a ?good? child who does everything well and gets on with life so it?s very tempting to just let her get on with it. Things tend to be set to suit DS#1, DD tends to follow along. The situation is made harder because we also have a younger child who takes a lot of my time and attention. DD is now following so closely in my footsteps it?s frightening ? she refuses to wear dresses and hates pink! She tells me she wants to be a boy. She is always the one who helps out and takes charge of DS#2 if necessary. I do try to do special things, just with her, but DS#2 always wants to come too. DH finds him hard work so more often than not I end up with DD and DS#2. When we are together she chatters 10 to the dozen and seems to love it but she often ends up being disappointed with what we do, and ends up in tears over something or other. It?s all so complicated. She was in floods of tears over something last night and the only way I could calm her was to get into bed with her and cuddle her to sleep. Is that what she needs? She isn?t a cuddly child at all usually but is that just a reaction to the situation she finds her self in. I really don?t want to have the relationship with her as an adult that I have with my mother.
So how do you parent a girl? I don?t actually think that I know. I?ve been trying to parent all three of them the same but in that scenario DD misses out I think.