Emotional abuse - abusers view?

[goingtoseethesea]

After realising that my DH behaviour is sometimes abusive, i have done a lot if thinking and a lot of things from the past have come to mind where he was awful to me and day to day things that he does now that I still just don't understand.

Sometimes i think he does certain things on purpose and other times i think no it would be crazy.

I'm also certain that he does absolutely not see himself as abusive in any way and that he thinks i am to blame. So i wonder if he has a skewed view of relationship(s) and just doesn't see at all how he behaves is not nice? Does he in his mind think that he is completely right and i am wrong?
And I'm not talking about physical abuse.

As an example tonight he's been in a bad mood very obviously (moving things and smashing them down just a bit too hard, enough to make me flinch). Then dinner time he picks up the empty pot of chocolate mousse that DS just finished
DH 'what's this there some left!?' (less than half a teaspoon)
DS ' it was a bit too sweet'
DH 'so you just waste it?!' And throws it back to the table
DS picks it up to finish it, clearly upset
ME to DS 'you don't have to force yourself to finish it if it's too sweet
DH shouting 'CANT YOU JUST BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE!!'
Me 'why are you shouting'

Etc etc

Normally I would not encourage wasting food, with exception of sweets/desserts. I just don't think it's healthy to force kids to finish a dessert (usually they do anyway )
Normally i know better than to say anything opposing DH view but tonight it just cane out. Was i wrong?
I know he definitely thinks i was wrong and carried on making his point how i never back him up (not true) and actually said 'you do realise we are two different people?!'

I think he would want me never to disagree with anything but i think surely it's normal to disagree sometimes? We actually are two different people, it's normal, isn't it?
And just earlier today he disappeared with me in front of the kids about food

Sorry it's all too long and I'm rambling, but i think what I'm trying to understand is does he really do this stuff on purpose? Or is he just completely right in his mind and totally blind to the double standards??

• Disagreed not disappeared

Sorry for other spelling mistakes

The times where I have had to say, "You do realize we are two different people?" I was dealing with super-controlling, not nice people.

If you are on edge around him, something is very, very wrong.

Are you afraid of him? Do you walk on eggshells to keep the peace? Is your son afraid of him?

The example you give in your OP is enough reason to leave him.

Does he know it upsets you? If he does then he has awareness of the consequences of his actions and has chosen his abusive belief that he has the right to treat this way over the right that you have for you to be respected.

I wouldn't think too much about why he acts this way but more on why he doesn't care that it upsets you. I say this as someone who has suffered and went through the exact same thinking process. It only added to my confusion.

Do you think he wants to change (regardless whether his behaviour is concious or not)? Do you think he's capable?

Sounds familiar. My favourite line is 'there is a middle ground'. But apparently there isn't. Just him right and me wrong.

I don't understand why so many people have these traits? And lack the empathy to realise their effect?

I'm afraid I haven't found the answer. Good luck

@OldWomanSaysThis

The times where I have had to say, "You do realize we are two different people?" I was dealing with super-controlling, not nice people.

Well i was confused that he said it, because that's been my argument in the past! So i just said Yes to that

@Colourmeclear

Does he know it upsets you? If he does then he has awareness of the consequences of his actions and has chosen his abusive belief that he has the right to treat this way over the right that you have for you to be respected.

I wouldn't think too much about why he acts this way but more on why he doesn't care that it upsets you. I say this as someone who has suffered and went through the exact same thinking process. It only added to my confusion.

Do you think he wants to change (regardless whether his behaviour is concious or not)? Do you think he's capable?

I think when he's in that 'mode' he doesn't care about my feelings and is quite cold. I used to cry in the past, he ignored it. He probably thinks his 'upset' trumps mine

I do walk on eggshells at times. Even when things are ok , i have that feeling that I cannot fully relax as i never know if/when he might flip. I can sometimes sense it, he'll get quiet and then seemingly starts to look for conflict. When driving hd might drive aggressively, but find fault with orther drivers.
When at home it'll be me of the kids he'll be short with for no reason.
And i get that when feeling upset over something i might also sometimes be snappy but the difference is one can never call him on that.

The saddest part of your update is that you've stopped crying. I did that too because it is soul destroying when the person who should care for you most doesn't care at all. It was easier not to cry so I just shutdown. I wonder if that's the same for you.

What would it mean to you, if his behaviour wasn't deliberate? Wouldn't you still be on edge, still facing double standards and still hoping he would change?

I hope these questions aren't too on the nose and please don't feel like you need to respond. I know how confusing it can be and also painful to try and make sense of everything.

Colourmeclear sorry you've been through similar, hope your situation is better now.

I think if it's not deliberate then I would think there was hope it could change. Maybe.
Or perhaps it wouldn't change anything.

OP, please read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, a specialist in abusive men.
And then leave him.

Morning goingtoseethesea. How are you feeling today?

My situation is much better now. I struggled along with my ex until I realised that he had 0 compassion for me and that it was never going to change. I'm now in a relationship where I don't have to guess what my partner is thinking, we both treat eachother with generosity when we get things wrong. He has never made me cry in the 10 years we have been together and when I do cry for whatever reason, he's right beside me holding my hand.

I understand the need to have hope. It's such a powerful emotion. He might well have the capacity to change but does he want to? Has he spoken about what he needs to do to change? Not what you need to do (less nagging, annoy me less etc) but what HE needs to do?

How is he around other people? If he is lovely to everyone else then he has the capacity to change but he chooses not to with you. Only he can choose to change that.

I also recommend why does he do that. If you Google it there is a free version available online. I'd say to read it twice because the first time you might be overwhelmed and also read it bit by bit as it's a tough read.

Protect your children - get away from this man.

Treating a child like that is inforgiveable. Horrible, horrible man. Your poor son

Forcing children to eat something when they have eaten enough is just as wasteful as throwing it in the bin - but more psychologically damaging. He's setting him up for a lifetime of a distorted relationship with food.

I think you would parent entirely differently if this aresehole of a man was not around.

Colourmeclear so glad to hear you are in a lovely relationship now. It seems so unreal, like something out of sitcoms to imagine a relationship like you describe!
I'm ok now, today started pretty badly but right now ok.

I have actually read why does he do it? And it did open my eyes. There was so much that I recognised but i still doubt myself.
I am the kind of person that if i read about an illness i think i have it, so i worry that maybe all this is in my head. Other times I'm certain that it's not normal. I think it takes time to get there.

How old is your DS? Protect yourself and DC from this pathetic bully.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you with your abuser and importantly how can you be helped into leaving him?. Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear; you are all living in fear of this man.

How do you think your lives with him going forward will pan out?.

Why do you still doubt yourself?. What is there to doubt here; do you doubt the fact that he is abusive because you think that abuse is only physical?. That mindset was likely exploited further by him on you and it certainly works against you.

He is abusing you and your child too. This is bloody awful for you and your child, its no life for him either. Your son's home is not the sanctuary it should be . He will continue to abuse you and make your lives an utter misery.

Where is your real life support here?. You certainly need to contact Womens Aid or at the very least you need to go to Boots the chemist and seek help there.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of a relationship example did your parents show you?.

Usually people who make others feel bad just feel terrible themselves inside. It’s not an excuse or a reason to put up with it but it is true. If they were feeling well and happy in themselves they wouldn’t behave like that.

Read up on the F.O.G
Fear, Obligation and Guilt
Out of the FOG is a good book

The opening chapter of this book is a great read:
Power
amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

For more details:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@Lext

Sounds familiar. My favourite line is 'there is a middle ground'. But apparently there isn't. Just him right and me wrong.

I don't understand why so many people have these traits? And lack the empathy to realise their effect?

I'm afraid I haven't found the answer. Good luck

Oh Lext, I feel for you.

The answer is: Find someone considerate instead.

I am not joking!

I think he would want me never to disagree with anything but i think surely it's normal to disagree sometimes? We actually are two different people, it's normal, isn't it

The fact that you have this question goes hand in hand with the fact that you are not only choosing to stay in an abusive relationship, but are also trying to find a way to get your abuser off the hook.

It doesn't matter why he abuses. He's making you feel like shit, and you've stated that he doesn't care about your feelings, so you need to leave.

Stop relying on 'normal'. It doesn't matter what 'normal' is. There are no rules when it comes to emotional responses in relationships. Your emotional responses are the rules, for you. Everybody has a different set of emotional responses/rules. If you give the responsibility to deciding if something is 'normal', you remove your own agency to decide whether something makes you feel good/bad, and can end up in a relationship that makes you feel bad, for your own personal reasons, but with a good person. For example, when people first get together and one gets distressed because the other hasn't been in touch for a few days. Nobody is right or wrong, but emotional responses to the relationship should dictate whether or not the relationship is viable.

So. If you think your relationship is abusive (and I'd agree), leave him. Don't put it out to the world to decide if he's being 'normal', because if the world decides he is, then you being unhappy becomes an irrelevance to you.

Do you want being unhappy to be an irrelevance to you, like it is to him? Because if you think him not caring about your feelings is abusive, you are doing the same thing to yourself.

@Lext

Sounds familiar. My favourite line is 'there is a middle ground'. But apparently there isn't. Just him right and me wrong.

I don't understand why so many people have these traits? And lack the empathy to realise their effect?

I'm afraid I haven't found the answer. Good luck

I realised in counselling that I didn't actually want to understand my abuser. I don't want abuse to make sense to me. I don't want a mind and a heart that can make abuse fit into my logic.

We understand people who think in similar ways to us, and struggle to understand people who think very differently.

I'm very comfortable to simply accept that I will never understand how abuse is portrayed by an abuser in their own head.

Recognising this helped me make the enormous leap from 'If only I could understand, maybe I could make things better..?' to 'This situation looks insane to me; I have to remove myself from it.'

Decent people with good hearts and minds need to stay away from abusers. Even if you take away the fact that they abuse and that means their relationships will be unhealthy, it's a basic incompatibility of mind set.

It's an incompatibility I'm very happy to have, because now, I listen to it when it rings bells, and it's an excellent protection system.

Theres no excuse for it.

And the initial example you gave was him trying to exert control. Basically throwing a ranger and saying 'I'm in charge, obey me or be damned! You need to see I control you and the child and the child needs to see I control you!'.

Get out of there fast.

My ex behaved like this. He was eventually diagnosed with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) but it was really hard to get him diagnosed as he refused to believe that anything was wrong with him and that it was all mine and the DC's fault. Because he was also violent, which escalated over time, I had to divorce him.