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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't feel content anymore

33 replies

Amie45fhfh · 12/09/2020 11:36

I have a sweet oh. Been together 8 years. We have two children. He has never broke my heart. He doesn't cheat or lie. He's a great dad. He will do anything for me in many ways. He's done nothing wrong. But sometimes I feel I'm lacking in what I crave and it's all on me, I know that. The truth is I'm just fed up. We've been stuck together for 6 months. But he's different to me. He's too invested in the people at the top. The intentions of the government. He's so focused on control and us being watched all the time. It's made him rather dull. He's also just happy to work all day and then just slob around all weekend and all evening. Always achy. Always got a back ache. Always tired. Yet he won't sleep in the evenings until gone midnight. He chooses to watch stuff when the kids are asleep.

Ive always been abit of a clown in my spare time. I am very capable of being serious. Being a good listener. Talking about loads of stuff. But I don't like to be serious constantly. I like a giggle. I like someone who sings in the car.who just randomly talks about really funny things. He has no spontaneous side to him. He's never bouncy. He never rolls out of bed and gets showered with a productive plan in place. I've been watching him this week. I've been poorly. He's been off work for a week. He has cooked tea and washed up once a day. He's done the school run. The rest of it he's sat on the sofa with the curtains shut watching crap tele. I've jokingly dug at him today about him being really unproductive this week. No walking. No painting. He cut the grass after I nagged him but he's not weeded so it still looks crap. So many little things he could have done. But he just doesn't want to.

Sometimes I think he's so nice and thoughtful. But he's too serious. He's so sluggish it irritates me. It takes him 45 minutes to poo. Another 40 minutes to shower. So when he goes to get ready it takes forever which irritates us. Yet he won't shower in the evenings or first thing so it doesn't screw the whole day up.

He's got so many lovely qualities.but I am craving some laughter and fun. I can't say he's done anything wrong. I'm not looking at other men either. There is no other man. But sometimes I think is this it? Did I settle for the wrong type. Is this some sort of 7 year itch? I don't mean to a bitch. Its all on me. I don't know what else I can try. Sometimes I pop the music on to e joy whilst I tidy up and he just keeps interrupting me to talk about something he's read and I'm like ughhh I'm in the zone.

Probably will be told I'm horrible. I don't think I can change him really. Maybe itsme who needs to change.i don't know!

OP posts:
peach1234 · 12/09/2020 16:41

I feel like I'm in the exact same boat. I feel like I've fallen out of love which is why I now find him so dull, we can't have always thought this otherwise it wouldn't have worked in the first place? When he talks I just think to myself "shut up shut up shut up"
We also have zero passion or romance, no affection or sex and yet he still tells me he loves me?! I don't get it how can you love someone who feels like just a friend...
There's got to be more to life than this but is it selfish to want to leave just for your own happiness? Sad

DisgruntledPelican · 12/09/2020 16:43

Watching with interest. I feel very very similar.

Iloveme30 · 12/09/2020 17:08

Me too 😒 unfortunately watching with interest too

schmalex · 12/09/2020 17:11

And me! Oh dear...

Amie45fhfh · 12/09/2020 17:27

That's the worst thing. I think I see him as a great friend. Not a lover anymore. He grabs my bum and always makes comments on sex. But it never happens. I don't look at him like that anymore. I think he chooses to watch Tele in the evenings and I go to sleep.

I know it won't last forever with anyone. Plus I have my lovely kids now. But I miss the passion and excitement of getting to know a man. The kissing and sex. But also the spending time together.

He really is a lovely bloke but I just think he's so emotionally invested in politics and conspiracies. Also when he rings his mum he will drone on for ages about work stuff. But it's so uninteresting. He's like it with me. He tells me boring stories about kit not arriving or systems going down. Starts moaning about meetings and what Barry in Bristol said about the new contract. But it's really dull.

I don't feel I can end it as we have the kids and I'm currently a sahm whilst ones in nappies. But I do sometimes think I'm burying my head in the sand. I just want more.

What are you all missing? Tell me more about your stories.
This reads really horribly. But I just want passion and laughter. I think my energy is also low these days because I'm grinded down by feeling so bored. I honestly can't remember the last time I belly laughed at someone. Really miss the old times.

OP posts:
peach1234 · 12/09/2020 17:44

Honestly you sound like you are in the EXACT situation I'm in. The droning on about work arghhhhh, I'm a sahm too but I just can't accept this is just life now forever?! I don't even get the sex comments or the grabs. Nothing sexual whatsoever. I've got friends that have been in their relationships longer and have kids and they still have loving relationships so it can't just be completely normal for everyone's relationships to go like this...

Amie45fhfh · 12/09/2020 17:55

I know. I've been feeling this way for ages. I had a builder around last year. He's my cousin's step brother, so he's not linked to me but we've known eachother years. He used to have a quick chat to me through the window or when he popped in to use the loo he would growl at the kids to make them laugh and run. He was so jolly and refreshing. I think that's when it started. I would never cheat on my oh. But I was doing my makeup and hair to look nice for this bloke. Took me a few weeks to stop missing the chats and things. I think in all honesty I was just flattered by the attention and the interaction with a male who had new things to talk to me about.

I'm 31 and feel my youth is slipping away too. I wish I was 21 again.

I don't know what the answer is. Because I don't want to rip my family apart. But we've become a team looking after kids and it's not good. Maybe it's an early midlife crises. Lol.

OP posts:
peach1234 · 12/09/2020 18:34

I'm 31 too, we're literally living the same life!! I just keep thinking I'm too young to live like this and it's only going to get worse with time, we've only been married 3 years and together 7, surely it shouldn't be like this so young and not been together that long!!

HottubbubblesX · 12/09/2020 18:47

@peach1234

It's rubbish isn't it. I get that kids can change things. I just feel quite envious of people starting out.

In hindsight I think I fell for his kindness. His sensitive side and the fact he's not a liar. He's nice looking in his face too. I don't know if coronavirus is making me feel worse.

Do you have children?

HottubbubblesX · 12/09/2020 18:48

P.s name change fail sorry. X

peach1234 · 12/09/2020 18:53

Yeah we've got 1, a 2 year old. I just keep thinking is it selfish to want to be happy when things aren't AWFUL or is it bad enough if you are miserable even if there's no huge arguments or cheating etc?? Is it better to put your happiness to one side for the kids? So frustrating and difficult. Don't want to live in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life Sad I feel so empty

nhsnamechange · 12/09/2020 20:35

Uh huh. I'm feeling similar except we're 5 years in. I'm young and no DC. I feel like I should run, but I love him.

Hope you get answers, watching with interest

HottubbubblesX · 12/09/2020 21:01

@peach1234
Mine are 2 and 5. This is exactly it. Or would we be unhappy with someone more like what we want because they'd lack in other areas?

It really is hard.

@nhsnamechange

Aghh if you don't have children I would definitely look into options. I know that sounds awful.

The thing is I am not the sort of girl who wants to cheat, lie and play games. But I have this fear that if someone came along and we clicked id struggle to not want to go further. I think that says it all really.

You only get one life. I don't want to waste it but I also know I'm very blessed to have such a caring kind man around.

CausingChaos2 · 12/09/2020 21:06

He can be a lovely man, but still not quite the right fit for you. Can you imagine the rest of your life with him? When you think about it how does it make you feel?

wheresthehope · 12/09/2020 21:14

Oh I’m right here with you.
Nearly 4 years in with a year old ds.
Omg the boring ass work stories every single frickn day... I feel like I’m losing myself

peach1234 · 12/09/2020 21:18

@nhsnamechange run!! Before you get tied in! Honestly I really think when the relationship gets boring it's only downhill from there with time and all the stresses of life. We had a break a few years back for the same reasons and I so so wish I hadn't given it another chance as i wouldn't be in this situation now.

HottubbubblesX · 12/09/2020 21:36

I just feel we don't have the right balance. I wish we had friends we could invite over for a BBQ. I wish he had the odd lads night out.

He has a dry humour. Or a humour where he will twist words. But he's not an excitable person. He doesn't particularly express a love for anything. He doesn't love Christmas, summer, bonfire night etc. I've never really seen him come alive about anything.

I sometimes wish I was with someone who would decorate the house at Christmas or plant some nicer flowers in the summer because it's something he loves to do.

Someone who just has energy to do more. I literally have always been the one that says the kitchen needs painting or we need to replace this carpet. My dad very much deals with all of that.

I definitely wish I was with someone abit more masculine and jolly. I sometimes find myself wondering what it would be like to be with someone who really is your soul mate.

SulkingRoomPunk · 12/09/2020 22:31

I definitely wish I was with someone abit more masculine

That’s an interesting choice of word given that the two things you said you’d like him to do - plant flowers and put up Xmas decorations - aren’t usually considered very manly Smile

Do you really want him to be like your builder - flirting with married clients and growling at the kids to make them laugh? It’s easy to act daft for a few minutes to show how good you are with kids to impress their mum.

Do you think he could be feeling as ground down and fed up as you are? Working full time and having 2 young kids?

What did you and him enjoy doing when you met aged 23?

sunnysideover · 12/09/2020 22:51

I think it’s ultimately comes down to compatibility OP. Someone can be nice, kind and fundamentally a good person but that doesn’t make them the right person for you.

I can’t offer much advice as I’m in a similar situation but I do believe that a relationship when you feel this way cannot last long term so it’s probably better end it before it’s to late for both to move on and be happy.

FunnysInLaJardin · 12/09/2020 23:00

Fun is what you are missing, a bit of get up and go, a bit of spontaneity. I don't think you can make people like that, they just are or they aren't.

I don't know what the answer is, but your posts have made me truly appreciate my DH, and so thank you!

PinkSparklyUnicorn · 13/09/2020 00:13

Sounds very familiar to me too... Confused

Same here.. as you want the story, here it is: oh is a lovely bloke, does stuff around the garden more than the house (I tend to do the painting and stuff), not overly great with kids but getting there - ie: needs to be prompted for EVERYTHING! .. once I was working and didn't pay attention to the time when he came to me saying "it's 7pm shouldn't they eat before going to bed?' DUH... yes? Please, do feel free to feed them...and whilst you are there, bath and bed would be great please and thank you...

And yes, I miss the fun, the laughter, the silliness.. It's all too serious, if I am having a silly moment with the girls, he generally leaves the room. I feel he has checked out emotionally ages ago and I don't know what to do either. I'm sorry that DD1 has picked up on it and has made a few comments which tells me she thinks he is a bit of a boring dad.

I went to see a counsellor, again with that idea of "What's wrong with me?": on paper we are an adorable family - cute little house, 2 gorgeous DD.. so what am I complaining about? Counsellor made me realised that OH is more than contented with what we have and how things are, and it will be very unlikely for him to change. And for me I don't want more, I want different. He made me realise that for a healthy relationship you need a good balance of predictable (to feel safe) and unpredictable (to have fun) elements. Too much of one or the other and your relationship may feel like a drain. He said "You need to work together to keep the flame burning, if one of you neglect the fire, then boredom sets in."

I have spoken to OH but he doesn't get what's the problem. He's happy, he doesn't need to go out, to invite people over. If I want to do something he always says "You go, I'll stay here if that's alright." So we share very little in the end.

Yes it probably mean that it is either the end of hope or the end of the relationship. With children involved it's no fun.

Sorry - I don't have any words of advice. Just that you are not alone...

Amie45fhfh · 13/09/2020 06:56

I know those things don't sound masculine. But I would find him much more fun and attractive if he bounced around with the kids and got them excited about Christmas and decorating etc. It's always down to me and I often have to say cheer up to him because he's not in the spirit.

Same with the garden. I wish he just smartened it up at the weekend and said let's go get some plants and get them planted. I wish he was able to get up with a productive plan. But instead he just has coffee. Watches rubbish on tele. Gets irritated if the kids are too noisy. Then if I suggest stuff. Hes like I'll go for a shower (then it's lunchtime)

I can't remember the last time he said let's go do this with the kids. He can drive and I've often said take them in the woods. Or take the five year old out to ride her bike. She is still learning! But he really cba. I wish he wanted to be consistent with bike riding etc. He will do it once then never bother again.

I think the attraction is gone because he never has any go in him.

When we didn't have children we went to the cinema. We went to London for weekends. We went for drives at night. Got a Macdonald's for no reason and went for a drive somewhere. Went shopping in different places. Went to the beach for the day in the summer. Visited his parents before they moved further away. Had pizza and film nights. Had sex.

Literally all the above has gone. But coronavirus has massively not helped. The kids didn't sleep for a couple of years. So that didn't help. No family to have the kids so we can have any sort of fun alone.

Even our holiday was cancelled this year. So we've done nothing now for so long.

I can't force him to do more. I probably bore him too.

I'm not saying I want a flirty builder. He wasn't flirting with me. He was just chatting about people we knew. Telling me funny stories about a scary man he had worked for. Telling me about his mate ruining his fishing weekend. Just blokey stuff. He was good with my kids which made him attractive to me. I just found his energy attractive. Plus he was cute lol.

OP posts:
peach1234 · 13/09/2020 07:29

I completely get what you're saying about the being more masculine and get up and go, my oh is exactly the same. Every plan is made and organised by me, every holiday, every outing, I choose and buy all of our DS clothes and toys, the same with Xmas I do all the decorations, I buy all the presents and wrap them all, I buy all DS little outfits for all the plans I make... i plan the birthday parties. I planned every single aspect of our wedding. When we bought a house I organised everything even down to organising viewings for houses I had seen on Rightmove and sent him for his opinion. He doesn't drive, he wouldn't even be able to put a picture up in the house, I find him more and more useless and passive as time goes on. I would be over the moon if he came to me and said oh I've seen somewhere I think we should take DS, I'll have a look and plan it.
And that's not even mentioning the fact he does absolutely F all in the house. I think I'd have a heart attack if he said oh "shall I make X for dinner tonight darling?" Instead of the standard "what shall we have for dinner?" Aka what are you planning on making...
He seems it's enough to just work hard at his job...

BraveGoldie · 13/09/2020 08:44

He made me realise that for a healthy relationship you need a good balance of predictable (to feel safe) and unpredictable (to have fun) elements. Too much of one or the other and your relationship may feel like a drain.

That so captures it! Cos of course the other thing the other half of women complain about is men who never grew up and are all fun and no responsibility/ reliability....

It's hard getting and maintaining that balance with people over years and years...... 😖

I hope you find a way to break the routine OP. I don't think it is all on you. It's good that you realize he's not doing anything awful. But he's definitely also not doing a lot to please you/ keep things satisfying in the way you want. Maybe you aren't for him either..... maybe you can talk to each other- not as a complaint/ nag but a 'how about we look for ways to refresh'...., could be fun if you both get on board.... I am sure life could be more fulfilling for both of you if you are both up for shaking it up a bit...

Ilovetheseventies · 13/09/2020 09:20

I would get the book by John gray... How to get what you want and want what you have.
I'm not saying this is the case but sometimes when we are not fulfilling things in life we look to our partners to do this.
If you want more fun make new friends. Tell Yr DP he's getting boring. If you still love your DPs then work on things
I'm on the other side 18 yrs married been split up for 3, the most painful thing ever. I still love my DH but emotionally he wasn't there for me.
Try and make things work.
Having said that I'm living the life I want to now but it wasn't easy.

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