I’ve ruined all my relationships

[CareBearBrunch]

Everything has been so hard lately, I don’t know where else to turn.

I’d been seeing a lovely man for about 6 months, everything was going really well. I felt like it was going to be a long term thing and he felt the same. I’d been through some stress and ended up taking it out on him and he broke up with me.

I’ve turned into a horrible person trying to apologise to him and get him to change his mind. Harassing him so much he’s ended up blocking me on everything so I can’t get in touch with him anymore. I just want to explain and apologise to him.

I feel like I’ve reached breaking point. I have no friends, they all slowly drifted away because I have a long term illness. My mum has never really cared about me. She doesn’t ask how I am just has a go at me for feeling down and I always feel like everything I do is never good enough for her and that I’m a massive let down to her.

I have no one I can talk to. If I talk to my mum she just tells me to get on with it and stop bringing everyone else down. The man I was seeing was the only person in years who I’ve felt like I had someone who actually cared about me. I’m feeling so desperate to get him back because I don’t have anyone else and I don’t feel like I can carry on feeling like this. But I can’t talk to him now either and I don’t know what else to do.

Morning OP, I didn’t want to leave your post unanswered.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you must try to leave him alone now and focus on yourself. I feel like you might benefit from some therapy, is this something you could speak to your doctor about?

You deserve to be happy but you won’t find that in a relationship, don’t pin all your hopes on a man start to work on you and being happy alone and then when the right man comes along you’ll be able to build a much healthier relationship.

But he was the right man, he was everything I’ve ever wanted and if I can’t mKe it work with him what hope do I have of finding anyone else. Even my own mother can’t bring herself to care about me.

You need to deal with your own issues first and how to deal with stress and issues with your mother. Have you had any support or counselling?

You can't expect a man to complete you. You have to be the whole version of yourself first, and right now, I don't think you're quite whole. I echo FastAndCurious by suggesting therapy. It will help you untangle all the complicated feelings inside you and then maybe one day, after you've worked it all out, you can talk to your man about trying again. But definitely leave him alone for now - the more you try, the more desperate you'll seem and the less likely he'll be to listen to you.

What do other family members think about your relationship with your mum? Don't assume that you are the problem rather than her. Unfortunately some parents are not up to the job, and this can then leave the child feeling that they are unworthy of love.

And in any relationship where one person isn't abusive, both people have to take some responsibility for it's breakdown. He wasn't the right person because he wasn't able to give you the understanding and reassurance you needed. And perhaps the reason it got to the stage where you were harassing him was because you hadn't felt listened to when you were apologising. You need to let him go, I know it's hard. The relationship wasn't right.

Maybe think about things like attachment style and mental health issues like borderline personality disorder so you can do some self exploration and understand yourself better.

Stop focusing on the man. He wasn't right for you otherwise you wouldn't have taken things out on him, he should have brought out the best in you. Forget him.
Work on yourself and your negative feelings. Get therapy if you can.

But he was the right man,

No

He wasn't

If he was the right man you wouldn't have been unpleasant to him and he wouldn't have left you and blocked you

Get some counselling so that you can start to understand why you do this and learn to stop doing it

And leave him alone

Pestering someone who doesn't want to be pestered is extraordinarily unattractive

I know pestering him is wrong. I’m trying to stop it but I literally have no one. I feel so down and can’t see a way through it and I have no one that I can turn to or talk to.

I haven’t expected him to complete me. I was single for 5 years before I met him, I stayed on my own to work on myself and get myself to a better place, which I thought I had done but obviously haven’t .

He didn’t bring out the worst in me either. It was a horrible few weeks where everything went wrong. I reached breaking point and snapped with one message. I tried apologising straight away but he just blocked him. I want to explain why and have him back in my life because I’ve got no one else and everything before that was going so well.

You snapped with one message and he blocked you? That's harsh. Even more reason to leave him alone. He hasn't got your back. You'd be treading on egg shells if you stayed with him. Obviously he didn't think everything was going so well. You can't force someone to be with you. I'm sorry you feel so low and I hope you get help in whatever form you decide.

I would urge you to keep posting here.

I think your mother's own lack of love and overall care for you has played an overriding part in you feeling like you do now. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what did yours teach you?. It looks like your mother taught you wrongly that you are an unlovable person. BTW you do not mention your dad at all here; is he at all in your life these days?.

This man is not going to come back into your life; he was not the man you thought he was. He does not want to listen but he is turn cannot be your sole focus because you would otherwise be alone.

It probably isn’t just the one message, it also depends on what you said. You don’t reach breaking point without behaving differently, we don’t go from everything being fine and lovely to suddenly snapping and sending a text followed by harassment. It’s a process.

The message may have been the final straw and the escalation has confirmed his fears. We really don’t know how you present when stressed. Was the relationship any cause of the stress, why did you take your frustration out on him?

Is your long term illness MH?

What exactly happened OP?

Truth is that if you were so unreasonable that he ended the relationship and you have then stalked him to the point he had to cut you off you need to first work on yourself before looking at relationships.

I don’t think it’s fair for people to say here that he was unreasonable because we don’t know the situation and it really is possible for one person’s actions to end a relationship.

And if your explanation was that things have just been a bit rough, only the circumstances would determine whether that was an adequate explanation.

If you have no-one to talk to in RL then you need to seek some therapy so that you do, and so that you can work on yourself in order to be able to influence your relationships with others.

You need to forget about this man now. After six months he might not have been the man for you, and in truth you weren’t the woman for him if you are harassing him to the point he has had to block you.

You’re right that it probably wasn’t just one message but I honestly don’t know what I did wrong. I think I’d told him how I was feeling about some things and he didn’t reply in the way that I wanted so I snapped in the next message because I felt like I wasn’t getting any support from anyone and I just felt like I really needed help. It was probably me expecting too much. I’ve never had anyone that’s really cared about me and felt like he did and then felt really disappointed that I still wasn’t getting help when I needed it. I know how messed up that sounds and he was probably right to end it because of that.

I think I’ve made it sound worse than it was when saying harassment. He blocked me on WhatsApp after I’d sent that one message. I sent 3 texts trying to apologise which I assume he didn’t get because he’d have blocked my number already? Then I sent one message on Facebook to ask if we could talk and he blocked me on there too without reading it.

So it sounds as though you trusted him to support you and he didn't and that is why you snapped? And he followed that up by blocking you really quickly.

Obviously we don't know the dynamics but it sounds as though that has made you feel rejected and not worth it, similar to your mother and other friends.

That's hard OP, he wasn't the man for you. When you look back was the relationship actually good or did you just want it to be?

Yes fatgirlslimmer I think that was what made me overreact, it just felt like one more person I’d reached out who didn’t care enough to help me. And it was just when I was starting to feel like I’d finally met someone who actually did.

It was really good before then. He’d always ask me a lot about myself, treated me really kindly. He’d always make time to see me and would do little things that made me think he cared. I tried to apologise straight away for what I did. I know after everything and the way he’d been he didn’t deserve me snapping at him.

What was the one message?

He might have used it as an excuse to end the relationship. When I met dh I got drunk and said some horrible things. I was mortified the next day and he accepted my apology because he still liked me enough to give me a second chance.

What happened and what if you say?

It was mean of him to end it over txt and not face to face.
Did you actually meet and properly date him?

You spent 5 years on your own to work on yourself, but in those 5 years, did you not make any friends for yourself and build your own social circle? It sounds like that is what you missed doing. Your man should not be your everything, you should not be expecting a man to prop you up, it's too much pressure for one person. The only type of man that wants them to be your be all and end all is an unhealthy controlling one. Any sensible man would find overreliance deeply unattractive.
Overall it sounds like you do need more work, not by being on your own, but by forming platonic friendships and avoiding relationships for a while. Look into what you like doing, find a hobby and meet like-minded people.

No you’re right opentoooffers I didn’t make any friends in all that time. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. I’ve done all the things people say to do to try to make friends, I volunteer alongside my job, joined some classes. I’ve never found it easy to make friends.

He said he was looking for someone who was also a best friend. That’s what I want too, we both wanted the same things and had the same outlook on life which is why I thought it might have been different.

Usergroundzero I’ve deleted all messages now to try and stop myself contacting him so not exactly sure. But it was something like. I felt stupid for thinking it was different and that I felt like he’d led me on telling me we’d have a future but when I needed him and reached out he wasn’t there for me.

It was unfair of me because he was there for me and he probably felt unfairly attacked by what I said because none of it was really true it was just me acting out through feeling hurt.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much and feel so alone, it's a horrible feeling.

I agree with others that it doesn't sound like it's just about this man, but about the way you're relating to yourself which is making it difficult for you to trust and enjoy relationships.

I think some therapy would be really helpful. Have you had any treatment in the past?

You are exhibiting codependent behaviours, likely linked back to your relationship with your mother.

I am codependent too and have been through similar. Try googling 'codependent no more' and 'CODA UK's

I don't know why you're blaming yourself for the end of the relationship, when it was him who dumped you, and who then quickly followed it by blocking you. He doesnt sound very decent at all actually. You need to work on why you are blaming yourself for his unkind behaviour. Decent people don't immediately block and move on - they talk to each other and give people time. It is a trait of players and those who have a replacement lined up though.

Unsurprisingly he’s posted photos of him with another woman on facebook today. I feel so stupid, I really thought he was decent and wouldn’t treat me like that. I knew there was a reason why he wasn’t talking to me but didn’t think it would be because of something like this.

Guess at least I can stop blaming myself and move on.

I thought he blocked you? Stalking his page won’t end well. Best to leave him alone and move on

He has blocked me. He had my brother on Facebook, they’ve talked about a mutual hobby, and he told me. I haven’t looked and won’t be looking at it. Just wish people would be honest and say instead of being left wondering and feeling crazy for knowing it’s more than they say.