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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’ve ruined all my relationships

44 replies

CareBearBrunch · 12/09/2020 06:53

Everything has been so hard lately, I don’t know where else to turn.

I’d been seeing a lovely man for about 6 months, everything was going really well. I felt like it was going to be a long term thing and he felt the same. I’d been through some stress and ended up taking it out on him and he broke up with me.

I’ve turned into a horrible person trying to apologise to him and get him to change his mind. Harassing him so much he’s ended up blocking me on everything so I can’t get in touch with him anymore. I just want to explain and apologise to him.

I feel like I’ve reached breaking point. I have no friends, they all slowly drifted away because I have a long term illness. My mum has never really cared about me. She doesn’t ask how I am just has a go at me for feeling down and I always feel like everything I do is never good enough for her and that I’m a massive let down to her.

I have no one I can talk to. If I talk to my mum she just tells me to get on with it and stop bringing everyone else down. The man I was seeing was the only person in years who I’ve felt like I had someone who actually cared about me. I’m feeling so desperate to get him back because I don’t have anyone else and I don’t feel like I can carry on feeling like this. But I can’t talk to him now either and I don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:

IncandescentSilver · 16/09/2020 15:58

Thats what happened to me a few months ago. My boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me, phoned me up to dump me in a 3 minute telephone call and then blocked me (even though I barely contacted him and only sent a couple of short messages to say I was shocked and saddened). Seems to be a well rehearsed path when they've got a replacement lined up and want to avoid hassle. I also got my belongings dumped on my doorstep when I asked for them back, and I was even blocked in whatsapp even though I barely use it when I went on it 3 months later to change my profile picture! I had known him for 15 years too.

Look on the bright side OP. Shrill, cowardly, girly little men who cheat and block are really easy to get over - it just takes 2-3 months. Who honestly wants a man that behaves like that?

chliing19 · 16/09/2020 16:08

OP - could it be he finished with you because it was all about you? I can't pinpoint why he would want you back because you seem to be framing the relationship exclusively in terms of your needs and how he can meet them. Could this be why you also find it difficult to make friends? Therapy could help?

Original poster

CareBearBrunch · 16/09/2020 16:29

Maybe you’re right chlling19. I did want him to meet my needs when I was going through a hard time. But I don’t think it’s always been like that throughout the relationship. I was happy going along with what he wanted to do. We both planned dates, spent time together and apart when we needed to. If he’d told me he wanted to end it or I was doing something wrong I would have accepted it. But he never told me anything was wrong. So how do I change if I don’t know what I’m doing/have done wrong?

OP posts:

Friendsoftheearth · 16/09/2020 16:50

I personally feel you don't need a dp or even a casual boyfriend - you need a very good therapist that can help you heal the gaping void left by your childhood op. You really need to get fixed before you can even think about moving onto relationships. You have managed perfectly well for the last five years, you can do so again, but really you must get some help otherwise this will keep happening over and over again until you understand it, until you are able to meet your own needs. He didn't want to be your therapist op. You wanted him to be something he can't be.

For the record he does not sound like the perfect man at all, so I would waste no further time thinking about him. He has gone, but there are many more potential men out there when you are ready, but you are not ready now. You will see this much more clearly once you have started therapy. Pls book therapy - and get a recommendation from your GP as to the best one for you.

Original poster

CareBearBrunch · 16/09/2020 17:10

But is expecting too much of someone that when you’re having a bad time they should want to help you? Would therapy help me talk about things in a better way?

I don’t think what I asked for was too much. I said this is what’s happened and this is how I feel. Only snapped because I was frustrated that every time I reach out for help I get nothing back. It’s always the same if it’s something small or something big. Should I never expect from people? Just therapy? Genuinely asking because I don’t know if I expect too much from people with how I’ve always been treated.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2020 17:18

Op this is hard to understand in your op you say you’ve turned into a horrible person, that you’ve been harassing him, that you’d been struggling for a few weeks. Taking it out on him. But then say it was one message. It doesn’t really tie together.

I’m sorry it ended this way, but I think you need to realise this wasn’t the one for you. Stop focusing on him and focus on yourself and your own healing.

Original poster

CareBearBrunch · 16/09/2020 17:25

Bluntness it was one message and he blocked me on WhatsApp, then I tried apologising/getting him back so I text and sent messages on WhatsApp.

I’ve realised he wasn’t that great. He’s said things to me that have made me see that. I spoke to him a bit today. My brother told him I was upset because I was wanting him back and he text me to say he’d done nothing wrong in the way that he’d acted. But he could have told me he was wanting to finish it, talked to me and told me what I was doing wrong, let me apologise even if it wasn’t going to change anything. Any of that would have made me feel better about it all, but it’s just like I’m wrong and nothing he’s done has made me feel that way, it’s just all my reaction.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2020 17:37

Agree he has behaved terribly. It was a very cowardly and shitty way to end it. 💐

Ilovetheseventies · 16/09/2020 17:47

What was it you said to him on the message? You may have said something which wasn't that harsh or it could have been abusive and a red flag for him.
You have to get yourself sorted out. If you are coming across as too needy then it's very off putting. I know I wouldn't like it
Therapy is a good idea otherwise this will keep happening. You can only really have a happy relationship once you are happy.
He has behaved in a shitty way by the sound of things.
If you cease all contact then you may never here from him again or you'll give him the breathing space he needs.

Original poster

CareBearBrunch · 16/09/2020 18:00

Ilovetheseventies I can’t remember properly but I think I said something like I was feeling stupid for opening up and thinking he’d care when he wasn’t interested in talking to me about it. That I’d been there for him when he needed me to be but he wasn’t willing to do that for me.

I know that comes across like I was attacking him but it wasn’t meant that way, I was upset with myself that I’d reached out for help once again and no one would help me. I just really needed someone to talk everything through with that day and didn’t know where else to turn.

OP posts:

Friendsoftheearth · 16/09/2020 20:05

Therapy allows you to offload and share everything in privacy and to have help dealing with it, so you don't need to offload to others (if you don't want to) Those needs are then met, and you can look to others for fun, excitement, shared experiences, life really.

Once the relationship is very very established you would then tend to trust them a little more with things that are more confidential, starting with very very small things to gauge reaction, test the waters. It could be too soon that you have skipped to this part, and scared him off - or he might simply be selfish and only superficially invested in your relationship (as appears to be the case, when we look at his FB posts)

It is about boundaries and maybe you have let him in way too soon, before truly knowing him, and he has been able to hurt you. Maybe your need to be loved and understood meant that you rushed this part.

I am not sure if he is just totally rubbish, or it is too much too soon but he isn't right for you, and has dealt with ending things in an appalling way. Either way you sound emotionally vulnerable, and need to establish stronger boundaries around your past and feelings, life in general (I had to as well, so that is how I know) and be content this evening that if that is the kind of person he actually is, you are well shot of him op!
I pity the next woman to be honest.

Friendsoftheearth · 16/09/2020 20:07

He sounds like a taker, willing to offload onto you, not so keen to be on the receiving end.

ALLIS0N · 16/09/2020 20:20

You’ve had great advice here OP, please listen to it. Therapy will help you.

Bellamybells · 16/09/2020 20:22

@CareBearBrunch

But he was the right man, he was everything I’ve ever wanted and if I can’t mKe it work with him what hope do I have of finding anyone else. Even my own mother can’t bring herself to care about me.

Then he would have understood.

Please get therapy, then you will be able to decide if you are ready for him or anyone else.

IncandescentSilver · 16/09/2020 22:46

Thats actually a perfectly reasonable thing to say on the ending of a relationship.

Although these days, I do wonder if we are all supposed to pretend to be emotionless automatons, never showing any emotion. You would be excused for thinking so anyway. I think that people who date a lot, especially on internet dating, can be quite hard faced when it comes to relationships.

You need someone who is loyal, not someone who is posting photos of himself with someone new on social media a few days after splitting up with someone.

Ilovetheseventies · 17/09/2020 13:03

Your message just sounded honest not threatening or abusive which is fair enough.

chliing19 · 17/09/2020 13:19

OP - once you feel secure in yourself (via therapy) you won't need to reach out so much, and won't take it so hard when people can't help you. It really does work and you will be much happier.

SandyY2K · 17/09/2020 23:46

You sound quite needy in a relationship and that's not something many people want tbh.

Some people also don't want to have to tell you what you're going wrong and would rather you knew this yourself as an adult. The mere fact that you need telling, is enough to put people off.

The way you speak is very similar to someone I know with aspergers. He also struggles to make friends and says pretty much what you did about wishing his DP told him what he should have done and he would have done it, but she ended the relationship and didn't give him a chance. Like you he is full of regret and a lot of self blame.

The problem is that because you have nobody else, you put too much on him and it's a lot of pressure. People want fun and enjoyment in relationships, especially 6 months in..still the honeymoon phase .....not someone who brings them down with their problems all the time or a lot of the time...life's too short to have a BF/GF who drains you like this.

You may not be aware of the effect you have on others and perhaps it's due to an undiagnosed condition.

LilyWater · 18/09/2020 01:39

@CareBearBrunch

You only knew him for 6 months which in the grand scheme of things is no time at all. Considering you took out your stress on him, you're most likely not in the right frame to have a relationship right now so see it as a useful thing to find out . The early part of relationships are about having fun and getting to know someone, so going through a hard time is simply not the right time for a new relationship with someone you dont previously know. You cant use dating to seek out men to use as emotional crutches - you will just end up heartbroken or attracting an abusive man.

I second getting therapy - speak to your GP who will be able to refer you. Theres also free/low cost counselling from mental health charities. Also try online websites or social media pages to find people who have a similar condition to you, as you will find like minded people who understand your situation. Unfortunately a lot of people dont have empathy for things they haven't experienced and it's no fault of your own. If you feel very low or just want someone to talk to anytime of the day or night, give Samaritans a call - they're there to help Hope things improve for you soon. Go easy on yourself, you've been through a lot so you've done really well to get to where you are now

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