Ask new DP to move in with me?

[TheJuniperTree]

I would welcome any advice from you all.

I went through an awful divorce a couple of years ago ("D"ExH was abusive).

After the divorce I moved into my own little house. I was able to buy as I had just enough to put down a deposit and I am fortunate enough to have a fairly good job, so could afford to take on a mortgage on my own (just).

Moving to my new home was a real fresh start. Somewhere safe. Somewhere secure and mine.

I do not have any DCs, and I'm 38.

I have now met someone new and we have a really great relationship. I can see a long term future with this man and he wants the same. DP is 35 and had no DCs but wants them, as do I.

I have been thinking about asking DP to move in with me at Christmas or sometime next year. We have spent the last few months at mine as we "tested our relationship" during COVID. We have got on very well, even in these strange times, so I feel confident we would live together "officially" really well.

The thing is, I am trying to be super sensible (my divorce has made me very cautious).

I would love for DP to move in with me, into my home, but (due to the divorce) I need to ensure I protect myself, financially. My home is literally all I have.

DP currently lives in a rented flat with a friend.

At the risk of sounding harsh or guarded; Whilst DP and I are just dating (ie not married) I would not want him to acquire any legal interest in my home, incase our relationship doesn't work out.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to protect myself, financially? I'm not especially keen on getting a solicitor involved and having a cohabitation agreement. I would feel awful asking him to sign such a thing. But I'm not ruling it out completely (just voicing my initial feeling about it).

I was thinking about saying to DP (so it's clear) that I will pay all my mortgage repayments, and maybe he could pay for all of the bills and our food (just an idea as I know it's key he doesn't acquire an interest by contributing to the mortgage itself). If we did this, I think costs would be split 50/50 or thereabouts (I haven't worked it out in detail).

Any advice would be really helpful.

Thanks in advance, everybody.

How “new” is DP?

@NotaCoolMum sorry, should have said that. We have been dating about a year. As I said, I'm not sure exactly when I'd like to ask him to move in, just thinking about practicalities, when I'm ready.

It depends on the reasons why you want to live with him.

Why do you want to live with him?

All the bills and food sounds like a lot to me.

I was in the same situation and my DP signed a lodger's agreement. I pay the mortgage, he helps with food and we split bills, just like any normal lodger, and it's all documented so he shouldn't have any claim. If you can't discuss this then you aren't ready to move in together.

I'm not especially keen on getting a solicitor involved and having a cohabitation agreement. I would feel awful asking him to sign such a thing.

I don't understand at all why you would feel awful. You either want to protect your assets or you don't. If he can't understand that, perhaps he isn't as wonderful as you think he is. Don't be foolish. You need legal protection so see a solicitor to learn all the facts.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 I would like us to live together as;

1. we enjoy each other's company.
2. It's really nice having him here.
3. He spends all his time here anyway so it seems silly him paying rent somewhere else - although this isn't a major driving factor for me.
4. there the fact that I'm not getting any younger and i do want children. If that's going to happen (with us) we need to live together for a while first. I do feel like I'm perhaps running out of time so it would be good to see if this relationship going to be long term.
5. I would like to ask him as I know it would make him really happy

Would buying a new place together be an option?

Lodger's agreements are free off the internet. No solicitor required.

Since you've been with him for a year, there are no children involved, and he already spends so much time there, I fail to see why you wouldn't have him move in now. It's not like you're rushing to get married. You own the home so could make him leave at any point if you weren't happy. Given the fact you both want children and your age, you don't have time to waste. Your biological clock is definitely ticking. Sorry, but it's true. Just be smart and have him sign some kind of tenancy agreement.

@DrDetriment and @Aquamarine1029 you are both probably right. I should have it legally documented. He would be absolutely fine with this. I know he would. I just feel a little awkward about it (not sure why) maybe because I'd feel a little insulted if someone asked me to sign one (because I'm not after anyone's money). I guess I should just talk to him

My DP and I have the arrangement you’re suggesting - I pay all bills, he pays mortgage, we split food. It roughly evens out (though I’ve been paying a bit more to food recently because of Covid and his lack of earnings). I signed an agreement when he got the mortgage that I had no interest in the property and had no issue doing so! If you’d like your DP to move in and he’s someone worth living with, he’ll understand that you want to protect your asset and that a legal agreement is a fair way to do so.

Likewise when I buy somewhere, he will have no legal interest in my property (unless/until we choose to buy together).

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 yes, we have talked about buying somewhere together when my fixed rate mortgage period ends (but that's not for a few years unfortunately).

I've heard other people in my situation as their DP to pay "rent" into a joint account so it can be saved towards a joint property purchase. Perhaps that could be an option

@Aquamarine1029 lol the biological clock is certainly ticking. I wish it wasn't but it is. Thank you for taking the time to reply to this thread. Lots of food for thought x

@paddingtonbearsmarmalade thank you for taking the time to set out your situation. It's good to know you didn't mind signing something. Love your user name too!

I have this as boyfriend moved into my flat.
We split the bills (elec/council) and food.
I paid the mortgage (now gone) and any decoration costs /new kitchen if I got one,
He saves what he would have paid in rent before so we can buy together in future (or had a good deposit if I kick him out!)

I didn’t mind partly because I knew the arrangement would enable me to save hard myself - perhaps you could have a conversation about how you could work together to buy together in the future (or once married). Part of his side of the deal (really he’s getting a bargain!) could be to save hard to make his own contribution to a joint place in the future.

And thank you on the username. I’m rather proud of it

To me 18 months would be about right to think of moving in, so, early next year. But he's there already really. A lodger's agreement sounds like a plan.

I personally would never see the need to buy with a man- it means that if things turn nasty you're more trapped. But that's my own perspective.

We have been dating about a year.

Way too soon!

You also went into this relationship very quickly after your last one.

First 12-18 months is honeymoon period, plus I think biological clock is affecting your thinking.

I’d advise waiting at least another year before even considering.

That’s just emotionally.

And you’re right to be cautious of the potential financial/legal repercussions and to be checking how to protect yourself there.

He spends all his time here anyway so it seems silly him paying rent somewhere else - although this isn't a major driving factor for me.

To be perfectly honest this sounds like he’s already cocklodging anyway!

How much have your costs increased since he’s been ‘spending all his time here anyway’ and has he fully covered them?

Rushing into parenthood with ANYONE is a bad idea.

I would like to ask him as I know it would make him really happy because he wants to be with you in a genuine partnership or because he’d save money and have a lovely home he had no hand in providing?

I completely agree that if you can’t cope with having ‘difficult’ conversations with him it’s too soon to move in and definitely too soon to ttc

Just a word of caution OP. I had a friend who had her DP move in with her (this was a few years ago) and when they split, regardless of him not being on the mortgage, he still claimed a beneficial interest in the property (hired a solicitor) and she had to pay him an amount to get him out. If he signs something, then maybe that will secure your property, but I would ask advice from a solicitor first.

You should definitely seek legal advice.

Also i'm assuming anything like that would be null and void if you go on to get married in the future?

Some of these suggestions are really great and asking him to save what he would have given in rent into an account for buying in a couple of years time seems like a great idea. It would mean he would still be paying out the same as now and you would too so you don’t become reliant on additional disposable income.

Wow Graphista you definitely wouldn't approve of my situation then! I am also divorced from an abusive EXH although 4 years ago in my case.

I spent 3 years single and finding my feet again and bought my own little flat. I met DP just before Christmas and he moved in 'for lockdown' back at the end of March. 6 months later he's given up his own rented flat and moved the last of his stuff in. We couldn't be happier. He pays me rent as if he were a lodger which covers the bills, I pay the mortgage, we are completely open with each other about all important subjects (finances, life plans, hopes and dreams, regrets, relationship history etc).

We're 36 and 39. Should we have waited a year? More? Possibly, but life is for the living and after wasting the majority of my 20s and early 30s shackled to an utter loser I intend to do just that.

Why is he renting with a friend at 35? Why does he have no/few assets to buy his own place? The answer to that might give you insight as to why you seem reluctant to speak openly with him on this, it could show if you have similar financial attitudes, saver Vs slender.

I can’t help but I think you are being eminently sensible. I want a solid relationship eventually, but after a financially abusive ex H, and having done quite well housing wise, I want to protect what I have for my kids in case something goes wrong.

It’s difficult.