Ask new DP to move in with me?

[TheJuniperTree]

I would welcome any advice from you all.

I went through an awful divorce a couple of years ago ("D"ExH was abusive).

After the divorce I moved into my own little house. I was able to buy as I had just enough to put down a deposit and I am fortunate enough to have a fairly good job, so could afford to take on a mortgage on my own (just).

Moving to my new home was a real fresh start. Somewhere safe. Somewhere secure and mine.

I do not have any DCs, and I'm 38.

I have now met someone new and we have a really great relationship. I can see a long term future with this man and he wants the same. DP is 35 and had no DCs but wants them, as do I.

I have been thinking about asking DP to move in with me at Christmas or sometime next year. We have spent the last few months at mine as we "tested our relationship" during COVID. We have got on very well, even in these strange times, so I feel confident we would live together "officially" really well.

The thing is, I am trying to be super sensible (my divorce has made me very cautious).

I would love for DP to move in with me, into my home, but (due to the divorce) I need to ensure I protect myself, financially. My home is literally all I have.

DP currently lives in a rented flat with a friend.

At the risk of sounding harsh or guarded; Whilst DP and I are just dating (ie not married) I would not want him to acquire any legal interest in my home, incase our relationship doesn't work out.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to protect myself, financially? I'm not especially keen on getting a solicitor involved and having a cohabitation agreement. I would feel awful asking him to sign such a thing. But I'm not ruling it out completely (just voicing my initial feeling about it).

I was thinking about saying to DP (so it's clear) that I will pay all my mortgage repayments, and maybe he could pay for all of the bills and our food (just an idea as I know it's key he doesn't acquire an interest by contributing to the mortgage itself). If we did this, I think costs would be split 50/50 or thereabouts (I haven't worked it out in detail).

Any advice would be really helpful.

Thanks in advance, everybody.

My ex moved in with me and never contributed to the mortgage. He gave me money towards bills and for food. Apparently that entitled him to a claim on my house and when I kicked him out he refused to go. It took months and cost me thousands to get him out as he whined he didn’t have enough money for a deposit for his own place and after all the money he’s paid me over the years yada yada....

Is the first short appointment with a solicitor not usually free? He/she could give you advice and options and an idea of costs to do whatever.

If some kind of agreement was drawn up it could also give him protection against you kicking him out with five minutes notice so you could sell the idea to him as being to protect both of you from unforeseen circumstances? Not just you. Both.

You need legal advice. It would be money well spent.

@Spin66 the same happened to me. The cocklodger suddenly developed an aversion to work as soon as he moved in with me (got him out asap when I realised what he was up to but not before I'd accumulated considerable debt) then he had the bloody cheek to claim interest in my property Be VERY VERY cautious OP!

Mine has moved in with me, I have him paying 1/3 of utilities and the food bill, he also pays 1/2 of the council tax as children obviously don’t count in council tax. It suits me really well.

His 12 month lease on his flat share ended in May? My memory is terrible but I think it was May, we had been living together three months then so we had a few chats about whether or not it would be permanent etc before he gave notice on his flat.

You just have to both be honest and clear about what you both want, what suits, what doesn’t suit etc.

@HowFastIsTooFast well...I'm not going to be a hypocrite and backtrack! I hope it works out for you i genuinely do, I just always advise caution as for most women, most of the time moving in with someone so quickly doesn't work out and significantly negatively affects them.

Would love you to prove me wrong, there are always exceptions.

But generally speaking no I don't think it's sensible.

@Dontbeme makes some excellent points too

Is the first short appointment with a solicitor not usually free?

No that's a myth really

SOME choose to offer this as a way to drum up business - but quite honestly in my experience that tends to be less good lawyers, the good ones don't need to!

Your first MEETING with them to see if you're a match in terms of how they approach things is generally free, but they won't usually give advice at this point.

@SimonJT but how long had you been together total before he moved in? Was he contributing fairly when you were living together before May? Sorry not clear from your post

He paid the same before and after May, I probably should have clarified, we’d been together a year when he moved in.

Lodgers agreement is one option but we are simply splitting bills. House is his (I have one elsewhere my adult kids live in)

Going back a few years now but when DH moved into my house, we worked out that we would split 50:50 for the bills, plus slightly under the ‘going rate’ that he would pay if he was renting. We actually put most of his ‘rent’ money into holiday/highday savings.
We agreed that ‘if’ we split before my kids are adults, I’d give him £1k for every year together but he was in s very ‘poor’ financial situation coming in to the relationship so it gave him the security of knowing that in the worst case scenario, he would have enough to rent.
Seems a bit clinical but we both had financially abusive first marriages and it gave us both peace of mind.
We actually had a really tough time a while ago and came very close to splitting-we were both content to proceed with the agreement we had and I think it actually helped us recover from our wobble because it clarified that neither of us wanted to hurt each other financially if that makes sense?

@SimonJT good he paid fair from the start, must admit I do think a year is too soon though but again I really hope it works out well for you both

I think the timescale for living with a partner is really dependent upon circumstances.

I knew at 6 months that I could happily live with DP. It took until 2years and a change in circumstances for him to move in with me. We were both concerned about how it would work out with DC but as a couple it was clear that it could work.

@Midnightsky1

All the bills and food sounds like a lot to me.

I agree . ESP as he will have no say in the house .

Why is he still renting at 35?

But if you want kids then you kind of have to decide whether you want to stay with him or move on.

As PP said, payment towards bills can translate to a claim on your property. It happened to someone I know and she had to sell to afford to give him the money. At the moment you have the best of both worlds. He’s there loads but you are secure. Also, please don’t underestimate the affect your biological clock can have on decision making. Been there, done that!

A few years ago, my mum had arrears with her mortgage and i agreed to pay a certain amount in a month towards the arrears. The mortgage company made me sign a document stating that i had no interest in the property with the payments.

Yoilu can simply tell him that your mortgage company insists that he sign such a document as he is moving in.

OP when my ex husband moved in (pre marriage) he signed a lodger's agreement - think I got it from the post office. We ceremoniously ripped it up on our wedding day! We just split all the bills, he paid me rent for his room and I paid the whole mortgage. (For completeness, he was incredibly decent in the divorce and didn't try and stiff me but having that clear cut arrangement reassured me.) I think any man worth his salt would understand why you needed that certainty and would sign something similar.

@DrDetriment

I was in the same situation and my DP signed a lodger's agreement. I pay the mortgage, he helps with food and we split bills, just like any normal lodger, and it's all documented so he shouldn't have any claim. If you can't discuss this then you aren't ready to move in together.

Fully agree with "If you can't discuss this then you aren't ready to move in together." Have the discussion and his response will tell you all you need to know about whether he's the right person for you. Don't avoid the hard issues. If he's a decent sort, he'll have a reasonable discussion about it and you'll reach an agreement. If he won't discuss it, or gets angry, then you have your answer and can move on without him.

Just split the utility bills/council tax/etc 50:50 & go 50:50 on the food. Anything else to do with the property you pay for alone!

@femfemlicious

A few years ago, my mum had arrears with her mortgage and i agreed to pay a certain amount in a month towards the arrears. The mortgage company made me sign a document stating that i had no interest in the property with the payments.

Yoilu can simply tell him that your mortgage company insists that he sign such a document as he is moving in.

Don't take this advice. A lie is a very bad foundation for a new long term living arrangement. Just be honest - he'll respect you far more (if he's decent) than if he finds out you lied.

I'm not especially keen on getting a solicitor involved and having a cohabitation agreement. I would feel awful asking him to sign such a thing.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. If he asked me to move in and suggested this, then I'd be ok with it. No need to feel awful.

However, I think you should split the bills etc because your mortgage is contributing to your future security and he should have the opportunity to save towards the same.

You will still be benefiting from the bills and eating the food whereas he won't be benefitting from the investment you are making in your house.

From knowing other people who have done similar, their solicitors told them not to allow their partner to contribute to home improvements either financially or practically because he could, in theory, have a claim to the house then.

The “why is he still renting” comments are silly. The OP and her bf might not live in a part of the country where homes are affordable. I have numerous friends 35+ here in London who are renting either alone or in shared houses. But that’s beside the point.

I would get him to sign a legal document declaring he has no interest in the house, split bills 50/50 and you pay all the mortgage, with him saving what he would have paid in rent as PP have suggested. I’d have no problem asking someone to do this or signing something if I was in your bf’s position.

Thank you everyone for all your replies!

On one hand I do think it's fast to be considering living together, but on the other hand, as a PP said, life is short and I just wasted the best parts of my 20s and 30s with my abusive ExH so I think I deserve some happiness now and the chance to become a mother with someone who loves me.

I think you are all right, something formal should be signed and I will talk to him about this. As I said, I know he will be fine with it, he is a good person, I just need some legal advice on what would be best to sign; a cohabitation agreement or a more simplistic "lodgers" agreement.

I've done some research and a cohabitation agreement would be drawn up after me and DP agree on how to handle our finances so I need to have a think about what I'd want him to contribute towards and not contribute towards.

I now agree with a PP that perhaps asking him to cover all the bills and all the food isn't right. For context (as perhaps you lovely people of MN could give me your thoughts) my outgoings for the house currently are approximately as follows; mortgage (1,200) bills approx (400).

DP currently pays £700 for a room in a shared flat (including bills). In response to the question of why does he rent at 35.....we live in London.

As we think we do want to buy somewhere together in the future I do like the idea of him saving what he would spend on rent towards our joint purchase. However (and just thinking aloud here), what happens if we split up in say three years time and he has just been saving this money each month? Effectively he would keep all the money and have been afforded the opportunity to live rent free for three years! This doesn't seem fair. Perhaps he could save it into a joint account and the cohabitation agreement could stipulate what happens to that bank account in the event of a split. I don't know?!?

OP, it's common for women in abusive relationships to move into another abusive one (even though it may be a different type of abuser) . If you've been in an abusive relationship there are often characteristics you have (perhaps unknown to you) that make you vulnerable to abusers. Abusive men sense this and target such women. Freedom programme can be helpful.

You've moved relatively quickly from an abusive relationship to another relationship. You should make sure you've worked on yourself and your boundaries before another relationship. Abusers (as you've probably seen yourself!) are always wonderful in the honeymoon period. Not saying that your current man is necessarily an abuser but you need to have your eyes wide open and don't rush into anything or overlook anything, regardless of any ticking clock. You have an amazing asset right now, your house, which is immense security, and this will always be attractive to anyone without their own home.

Unless you've discussed this in detail already with him, you've skipped a step. Make sure you're clear with a guy about timelines around children, (and marriage) not just a vague agreement of 'we want kids'. This is a critical time for your fertility as a woman and too many women get strung along by men who 'want kids' but don't actually want kids with them, or are on a different time-frame in reality. I personally know women who've lost out on having kids of their own. Never be a woman afraid to voice your needs and desires, and to stick to them.

I'm not especially keen on getting a solicitor involved and having a cohabitation agreement. I would feel awful asking him to sign such a thing.

As PP pointed out, if you can't talk to him about these things, you might not be ready to move someone in.

Have a chat, explain if you haven't already, that the house is your only asset and that your divorce has brought home to you , how important it is for you to protect yourself.

If you think about it, the alternative to expecting him to support you in that, is that you expect him to be trying to gain such an interest. You can't possibly think that, so ... don't get yourself to hung up about it, just have the chat.

Before you have children, a lodgers agreement sounds a good way forward. It will be a great deal for him, you just need to protect yourself.

If you do decide to have children, time for a rethink. Marriage is a great protection for the financially weaker partner.

^^ what @lilywater said 100%

My friend has her DP transfer money each money as a "gift" and they split bills etc -but all in her name.