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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do I do from here?

40 replies

LostInSpaceSomewhere · 11/09/2020 15:51

I recently discovered my husband has been using prostitutes - the last one a few weeks ago. 22 yrs of what I thought was a happy marriage - but unbeknown to me he's been leading a secret existence, and I had no bloody idea. I've found evidence where he rang a prostitute, had no response from her, so then rang another who he then visited, spending family money which we could ill afford. Having found this out (got proof), I then came across a mobile number in his car, which, when googling it, turned out to be the number of yet another.
I feel as if I have been hit by a bus. I can barely believe this was what my husband has been up to - the man I had 100% trust in, and a Mr Niceguy to me and the outside world.
He has admitted seeing one but no others, adding the number of the one I found in his car was only there because he had been thinking of seeing her but didn't (probably bullshit!) He lied over how much he paid the "only one" he visited, but eventually owned up when I told him I had found out what he had paid her because her rates are on her webpage! I can't look on his work's mobile phone to see what calls he's made, or his browsing history, as he changed jobs about 6 weeks ago and of course the work mobile and laptop was returned.
I am an utter wreck, can't sleep, can't stop crying, booked to see a counsellor as I have no family close by, feel utterly destroyed and distraught. We are both 54 and have 2 grown up children. He says he only did it because he didn't think I loved him any more (what a bastard....whilst he was looking for my faults I was too busy overlooking his!) He also says how sorry he is for the hurt he's caused me (prob only sorry he's been found out!) and that he'd never do it again.....I'm not so sure tho.
Do I give him the benefit of the doubt? (What I would give to see his work's phone and laptop browsing history and the calls he made!!!)
I just can't think straight.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 11/09/2020 15:57

I don't think you can give him the benefit of the doubt - because he's continuing to lie to you.

He also sounds utterly lacking any genuine remorse, or insight into just how great a betrayal of your trust and this relationship he has committed with his actions.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

Um, sensitive question, but do you think you might need to get tested for STD's? Because I don't know that I'd be trusting his word that he always used protection. If he's claimed that, that is.

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2020 15:58

He says he only did it because he didn't think I loved him any more*

Riiight. That's what everyone does when they doubt their partner doesn't live them anymore. They don't discuss it, they don't challenge them, they don't split up with them (if it true they don't and nothing they discussed changes), they look up, boom and have sex with prostitutes.

Okaaay then.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that that reels of more bullshit than a large cattle farm.

And also nicely tries to shift the blame onto you.

I'm v sorry this has happened to you. An utterly disgraceful, disgusting way for someone to end a marriage and family (I doubt he intended to end it, but that is the consequences of his actions).

I'd consult a solicitor and make plans to get out, how you're going to.manage financially etc.

ravenmum · 11/09/2020 16:01

You poor thing. It's standard fare for them to minimise and lie, and you can kind of see why.

he only did it because he didn't think I loved him any more
He should be grovelling, not explaining why it's your fault.
When he felt unloved, did he try to communicate that to you? Or is his lack of communication also your fault?

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2020 16:03

He also says how sorry he is for the hurt he's caused me (prob only sorry he's been found out!) and that he'd never do it again.....I'm not so sure tho

Sorry he got caught.

I wouldn't believe that, bug even if I did .. I wouldn't advise anyone to continue a relationship with someone who has cheated on them repeatedly and with sex workers at that.

I think you'll just wreck your self esteem and happiness and security if you try to.continue, and end up divorced anyway.

Would he forgive you doing something like this with male escorts?

And when caught told him you thought he didn't love you anymore and that's why you did it ... But didn't talk to him to clarify that or try to find a solution before you went online, found some male escorts, booked them and followers through several times on meeting and having sex with them.

Truthfully (even if you put the question to.him and hd days he would), do you think he would?

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2020 16:08

Because I think 99.9% of men would be out of there within two seconds, in a flat on their own, dredging online dating, and getting a divorcee solicitor onboard (having told his wife she was a disgusting, stupid slapper and a disgrace of a mother).

LostInSpaceSomewhere · 11/09/2020 17:44

@mbosnz I am waiting for results of STD test which I did through the post. He hasn't had STD test (or so he tells me) even though I suggested he should. Also, when I asked him if he'd had protected sex, he replied "Oh yes, of course!" in such a tone as if I should be fucking grateful that he was so considerate!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2020 17:52

Do I give him the benefit of the doubt?

In the nicest possible way, don't be ridiculous. Your husband thinks it's acceptable to not only cheat on you, but pay women for sex. Your husband is a fucking horrible human being.

Dry your eyes and get a solicitor. I certainly hope you've kicked the bastard out. You're only 54, op, don't waste another second of your life on this man. I'm sorry.

yetmorecrap · 11/09/2020 18:02

And sadly it’s why I am cynical on mumsnet when many women like to say their partners are 100% good guys/ totally trustworthy etc— because I learnt that the good family men who remember birthdays, are nice to animals and seem to love their wives can actually be just as much of a shit behind your back as the ‘jack the lads’ out there. It’s a pretty horrible thing to realise is the rather depressing reality and I wish it were not the case.

WiserOlder · 11/09/2020 18:13

So sorry for your shock. One line stands out, you were busy over looking his faults.

He visited prostitutes and then turned it round on you. You weren't loving enough.

So, shocking as it must be, I could not love him. Forgiveness would hardly even be the point. I just couldn't love a man who despite all of his own faults (which I'd overlooked) repaid me by visiting prostitutes, minimising and lying and then making it my responsibility.

Eughghgh. You must be turned right off him.

Take your time and don't be talked in to putting it all behind you just to make a boring subject (for him) go away.

You can start again. You can have peace and freedom if your kids are grown up.

WiserOlder · 11/09/2020 18:17

Did the prostitutes make him feel ''loved'' ?

Apple222 · 11/09/2020 18:23

I’m so sorry. This must be an awful shock. Hold your head up high. You have done nothing wrong. This is his mess and his responsibility.

💐 for you and a big hug.

MyOwnSummer · 11/09/2020 19:50

I'm so sorry OP. So much hurt, and of course you don't deserve it at all. If there were issues then why couldn't he talk to you? Fucking ridiculous bullshit, gaslighting and blaming the innocent party.

In short, he did it because he wanted to. He sees women as a disposable commodity to be bought and discarded, to me that's worse than an affair.

No real remorse either - because its your fault. Fuck that noise.

Arse, boot, door. In that order.

MyOwnSummer · 11/09/2020 19:51

Also, have a look at Chump lady, and google "mumsnet the script" ...an old thread but very illuminating.

copperoliver · 11/09/2020 22:57

Get rid of him and get tested, he won't change he has crossed the line now. X

OldAndWornOut · 11/09/2020 23:02

It's text book behaviour.
Try to minimise what they've done, also may believe it was just a one off.

Then, start twisting it slowly around until the other person is now at fault.

mbosnz · 12/09/2020 15:54

I'm sorry, but reading your update, I thought, 'what an utter, bloody, PIG.' Then I gave mental apologies to pigs.

notapizzaeater · 12/09/2020 15:59

What does it matter if he admits to once or twenty ? He still needs kicking into touch. Once was too many.

LilyLongJohn · 12/09/2020 16:32

It doesn't matter if he's done it once or 100 times, it's still cheating, and using family money to fund it

Gamezup · 12/09/2020 23:15

Now found out he was using prostitutes towards the end of his previous marriage so no, it wasnt a one off. I feel dreadful, thought I knew him so well, when I obviously didn't know him at all.

Kel9 · 13/09/2020 12:13

This happened to me. I was married 5 years when he came out and told me... then told me I’d need to go for an std test at the doctors. We are divorced going on 4 years!

I’m now happy in a new relationship and getting married next year! This is betrayal and how do you come back from this.. not only is he cheating but also spending your money on call girls. I could tell we were not right and to be honest we drifted apart before he told me so the decision for me was easier. We also had a little boy but he was too young then to notice. I wish you all the best with this x

bumhead · 13/09/2020 15:39

@Gamezup have you had a nc fail? x

Midnightsky1 · 13/09/2020 15:45

Is Gamezup the op?

Gamezup · 13/09/2020 17:22

NC ??

LostInSpaceSomewhere · 13/09/2020 17:31

Comment should have been a PM with Gamezup but looks like its posted on here somehow instead!

OP posts:
thefourgp · 13/09/2020 17:39

How did you find out he was using prostitutes during his previous marriage? What’s your gut telling you to do?