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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do I do from here?

40 replies

LostInSpaceSomewhere · 11/09/2020 15:51

I recently discovered my husband has been using prostitutes - the last one a few weeks ago. 22 yrs of what I thought was a happy marriage - but unbeknown to me he's been leading a secret existence, and I had no bloody idea. I've found evidence where he rang a prostitute, had no response from her, so then rang another who he then visited, spending family money which we could ill afford. Having found this out (got proof), I then came across a mobile number in his car, which, when googling it, turned out to be the number of yet another.
I feel as if I have been hit by a bus. I can barely believe this was what my husband has been up to - the man I had 100% trust in, and a Mr Niceguy to me and the outside world.
He has admitted seeing one but no others, adding the number of the one I found in his car was only there because he had been thinking of seeing her but didn't (probably bullshit!) He lied over how much he paid the "only one" he visited, but eventually owned up when I told him I had found out what he had paid her because her rates are on her webpage! I can't look on his work's mobile phone to see what calls he's made, or his browsing history, as he changed jobs about 6 weeks ago and of course the work mobile and laptop was returned.
I am an utter wreck, can't sleep, can't stop crying, booked to see a counsellor as I have no family close by, feel utterly destroyed and distraught. We are both 54 and have 2 grown up children. He says he only did it because he didn't think I loved him any more (what a bastard....whilst he was looking for my faults I was too busy overlooking his!) He also says how sorry he is for the hurt he's caused me (prob only sorry he's been found out!) and that he'd never do it again.....I'm not so sure tho.
Do I give him the benefit of the doubt? (What I would give to see his work's phone and laptop browsing history and the calls he made!!!)
I just can't think straight.

OP posts:
Anothernick · 13/09/2020 17:45

There's no way back from this and he doesn't deserve you trying to find one. I often think people on here are too quick to advise women to LTB but in this case you have no alternative.

blanchmange50 · 13/09/2020 18:09

oh another typical ass who blames not feeling loved on going to get sex elsewhere. I dont feel loved sometimes but doesnt mean I head off and pay for sex...dont let him blame you for his behaviour....he is a cheat and a liar....

EKGEMS · 13/09/2020 18:26

Give him another chance?? I'd be rehearsing my 911 call and drafting his "suicide note!!"

LadyH846 · 13/09/2020 18:33

Not only has he cheated on you, he's done it with a prostitute.

unforgivable and there is no way past this. Unless you can live with massive cognitive dissonance. Sorry OP.

LostInSpaceSomewhere · 13/09/2020 22:35

@thefourgp When I recently found out what he'd been up to, he confessed that he'd also used prostitutes during the last year of his first marriage. It seems he has become addicted to this sort of behaviour or he simply gets a kick out of doing it. I am devastated.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 13/09/2020 22:39

OP It's my guess that he has been doing this for a very long time.

LostInSpaceSomewhere · 13/09/2020 22:45

@Anordinarymum That's just what I suspect but can't prove it as I'm sure he would have used his work mobile to contact them, and as he changed jobs a few weeks back, he no longer has that mobile, so I can't check it. Wish I could!

OP posts:
LadyH846 · 14/09/2020 07:17

[quote LostInSpaceSomewhere]@thefourgp When I recently found out what he'd been up to, he confessed that he'd also used prostitutes during the last year of his first marriage. It seems he has become addicted to this sort of behaviour or he simply gets a kick out of doing it. I am devastated.[/quote]
I suspect that too. You need to get an STD test.

LadyH846 · 14/09/2020 07:20

I also do not believe that he did this because he thought you "didn't love him anymore." That's a manipulative ploy to tug on your heartstrings. No-one visits a prostitute because they aren't getting enough love at home. It's for sex. He has desires he doesn't want to bring to you, or can't. So sorry OP, I don't see how you can get past this.

On top of all the lies and deceit, he's buying an underprivileged woman's body to use for sexual purposes. He's not the man you thought he was.

thefourgp · 14/09/2020 09:02

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. The fact he used them during the last year of his previous marriage makes me think he likes the feeling of power. A prostitute unlike a wife is unlikely to say no to whatever he wants.

LostInSpaceSomewhere · 16/09/2020 11:09

Well, today has not been a good day for me so far....I can't stop thinking about what my unfaithful bastard husband got up to when he visited prostitute, as well as all the lies and deceit involved. Been very upset and all he says is "I only visited the one" and "Oh you're not going on about that again are you?" I'm between a rock and a hard place as the house is in his sole name only and with no family close by, have nowhere to go if I leave. What the hell now? I am struggling to come to terms with what he's done and doubt I'll ever get over it.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2020 11:18

You are married so it doesn't matter who's name the house is in.
It is a marital asset and should be split 50/50
1st step is to see a solicitor to see where you stand.

I often think marriages can recover from infidelity (not me personally), but prostitutes!!??
Absolutely not - total deal-breaker.

For now I would be detaching.
Go out if you can.
Visit friends and family.
Lots of walks.
Don't do anything for him.
No cooking. shopping, cleaning, washing, ironing... nothing at all.
Start to live your life.

This will all take time OP.
I'm so sorry you have such a scumbag for a DH.
He isn't even taking responsibility.
It's just 'what he does' and you should accept it.
Fuck that shit.
Threaten to tell everyone if he starts with the minimising bullshit again.

Counselling may also help you.

ravenmum · 16/09/2020 11:38

He's trying to make you think you're nagging, so that you'll stop complaining as you don't want to be a nag.
You're not a nag, and he should be grovelling but instead he's acting like it's fine.
It was just the one? How many does he think is OK? Two or three OK, but ten bad?
Legal and practical advice is your next step.

yetmorecrap · 16/09/2020 14:11

Do you have money OP? If so , get to the lawyers ASAP. If not I would be calling woman’s aid . You will innall likelihood get 50% minimum of all assets, so if there is money in all the assets, The nowhere to go to is temporary, as you will be able to rent at minimum, even if you have to put down 6 months.

yetmorecrap · 16/09/2020 14:14

If you work and have some cash, I would be looking for an air b n b for a few weeks and finding a place to rent and filing for divorce ASAP. His response to you after 20 years is disgusting— who the hell thinks -‘ ah, it was only 1- I will just mentally move on’ - he is in cuckoo land

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